ECBKuyou: It has been almost ten years since the ECB has been assembled.
ECBKuyou: This is because it takes a special person -- or a special story -- to unite these forces, and the stars have not so aligned in all that time.
ECBKuyou: But today, after slumbering like Cthulhu in his house in R'lyeh for nearly a decade, we have been roused once more. And you will soon see why. So join us on a journey of discovery as the ECB takes on Creepy Wish Fulfillment Author.
ECBKuyou: Before beginning, let us remind all audiences (since it has been so terribly, terribly long) that as always, we allow a single response to the ECB. While we traditionally use e-mail for both sending the ECB and the response, in this instance, we do not have an e-mail address, and thus must use the forum.
ECBKuyou: We trust that if the author can navigate ff.net's uploading scheme, they will be able to create an account and post, should they desire. That being said, let us embark on a tale, something we call: Evil Commentary Bureau versus Creepy Wish Fulfillment Author.
Haruhi Suzumiya: SOS Brigade's Greastest Actor
ECBKuyou: Not a good sign when there's a typo in the title. Reads like 'grease-test'.
Author: The mind reader8-2
This story is of a group I work for that enter the world of Haruhi Suzumiya, completely made up though. One agent falls in with Mrs. Suzumiy and that is when things get weird from that point on the world is not the same for either of them. Read who falls in love with her. His secrets and past. Death, love, and hatred forms. Warning MAJOR Kyon beatings.
ECB: That...That is quite the summary. So we've got a Self-insert who is gonna fall in love...with 'Suzumiy'?
ECBKuyou: It does look like an SI based on that 'I', yes.
ECBKt3: Do note that it's 'Mrs. Suzumiy'. So she's already married at this point in time.
ECBYoukai: Not even being able to spell the name of your canon protagonist doesn't speak well of your respect for that canon, either.
ECB: So, we've got kind of broken grammar right off the bat, but maybe it's just a weak summary. FF.net doesn't give a lot of room there.
ECBKuyou: We're promised intense emotions; love, death, hate -- and a dose of Kyon ... beatings? Bashings, I guess.
ECBKuyou: Well! Let's see what intense emotions form from this epic journey!
Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Adventure - Haruhi S. - Chapters: 5 - Words: 10,743 - Updated: 09-25-12 - Published: 07-30-12 - id: 8374549
ECBYoukai: Short chapters. Normally one of my pet peeves, probably a mercy here.
ECBKuyou: Yes -- as a rule of thumb, it's best to aim for 5-7k words per chapter. Prologues can be different lengths, and there's leeway throughout; chapters can run shorter or longer, depending. But shorter chapters are typically a bad precedent.
Chapter 1: Introductions and Confessions
This is my first fan fiction. It is also a side project while I set on my book that I am writing. In this one I bring in a set and a few things that were not in anime or manga. I also tried to make the characters; Haruhi, Kyon, Yuki, Itsuki, and Mikuru; to their original personalities. It was hard, but I worked it to where only (or at least mainly) Haruhi was a little out of character.
ECBArakawa: Wait... this guy is writing a book? Seriously? A 'set' of what? Random semicolons? I am in all kinds of shock already.
ECBYoukai: I think we should probably frame this statement for later reference.
ECBPax: Oh, well I guess as long as only Haruhi is a little out of character it should be okay.
ECBKuyou: Surely everyone else will be in character.
ECBEnglishNazi: 'A side project while I set on my book that I am writing.' I'm getting a wonderful feeling about his competence to write said book.
ECBKuyou: Okay. I have enjoyed any number of works by aspiring authors. And from experience, nothing helps an aspiring author like pointing out where they make mistakes. I never would have gotten to have my own works published if it weren't for the feedback and criticism I've gotten over the years!
ECB: Well, I do hope our honest and direct criticism will help you as you prepare for the world of professional writing. Perhaps you might want to start with some grammar courses though. "It is also a side project that I work on alongside my book project."
ECBKuyou: I think there's a missing 'true' in that 'to their personalities' line?
In the beginning I had two options for my character. One was to have him leave a registration form taped to the door. Or two have him do what he does here.
ECBEnglishNazi: Well, that's a bit out of context. What is he filling out registration forms for? What does he do here? I am filled with curiosity.
ECBYoukai: And honestly, why are you telling us this? Is this a story about writing the story? How many levels of meta can we get into here?
ECB: Well, I suppose I don't really care. What you wrote should stand for itself.
ECBKuyou: So, Haruhi has forms for applying to join the club just lying around where anyone can grab them?
ECBYoukai: Wait, back that up. Haruhi has application forms -at all-?
ECB: Yes, they're right beside the hate forms. He mentioned it in the summary. At least it wasn't a red herring.
ECBKt3: So far, I've learned that this story is about forms. Forms that you fill out for beating, death, and love. Or maybe that's loving beating to death.
And now The Disclaimer: I own nothing of Haruhi Suzumiya series Characters included. Only things I own is the story, my characters, and where they came from.
ECB: Good of you to put a disclaimer up. Good form.
ECBKuyou: 'The' doesn't need to be capitalized there, though.
ECBYoukai: Neither do 'Disclaimer' or 'Characters'.
As Haruhi walked the school grounds in search of a mystery that was worthy of her expectations to be solved, and that is when she noticed another male student that standing off by his lonesome. She started walking towards the new student. He is five feet and six inches tall wearing the school uniform and sunglasses, sporting sharp looking tan and slicked back hair dew. The next moment after she had closed her eyes he vanished into thin air. Haruhi Suzumiya looked around the crowd for him, but couldn't spot him there was just too many people in the school's plaza to find him so went on to the clubroom, her original destination, so she could tell the SOS Brigade about the need to find and question the newcomer.
ECBPax: "Slicked back hair dew." I'm assuming this is early morning and somebody left this guy outside overnight.
ECBKuyou: He probably meant 'do', and couldn't be bothered to look up the correct word on the internet.
ECBEnglishNazi: 'Worthy of her expectations to be solved'? So what, she's sparing with what she deigns to be confident in herself about?
ECBEnglishNazi: Or are you just completely unable to put a sentence together?
ECBKt3: You know, by this point the school's pretty much already researched out.
ECBYoukai: Actually, do we know that? Do we even know when during canon this is even taking place? A bit of time describing the setting would probably help considerably. Although it might not.
ECBKuyou: "that standing" Missing a 'was' or something there. I'm a bit confused, because I could have sworn a few lines up this fic claimed it was going to be in English.
ECBKuyou: Also, we have tense confusion within the first two sentences.
ECBArakawa: For some reason, actions are in the past, while descriptions of characters are in present tense. There's no need to do that, one tense is enough, please.
ECB: You know, for a description, all I got is that the guy isn't very tall. Though I guess in Japan he'd stand out as...perfectly nondescript.
ECBArakawa: We do know *exactly* how tall he is, though.
ECBEnglishNazi: I'm wondering how, precisely, a tan looks 'sharp'.
ECBArakawa: It cuts off sharply at the part covered by his sunglasses, obviously.
ECBKuyou: In reality, this is an opportunity to describe your character and what catches Haruhi's attention about him. You missed that opportunity.
ECBKt3: Honestly though... who cares about this guy?
ECBKuyou: An un-compelling description makes us uninterested in your new character. He doesn't genuinely stand out in any way that makes us care, or believe Haruhi has a reason to either.
A few minutes later at the clubroom
ECBEnglishNazi: A few minutes later at the clubroom...what? Presumably something's happening here.
ECBEnglishNazi: Did you just forget to finish that sentence?
ECBArakawa: So, maybe you want to actually transition between your scenes? I mean, Haruhi could walk to the clubroom or something?
ECBKuyou: Try reading some other stories and see how they handle scenes. Your 'book' isn't going to work very well if your scene transitions amount to 'in other place at different time.' This feels like it's lifted from television shows or movies -- and it works there because they can use the screen itself to fill in the rest of the details.
ECBKuyou: Here, you're providing nothing and not using the tool at your disposal properly to show us what's going on and why we should care.
"Listen up gang I found yet another mystery for us to solve." Haruhi exclaimed as she barged into the clubroom getting the attention of everyone but Yuki Nagato.
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: Since when does Haruhi refer to the Brigade as 'gang'? Are you mixing this up with Scooby-Doo fanfiction?
ECBArakawa: Zoinks!
ECBArakawa: Anyhow, I wouldn't do anything for a Scooby snack, but I'd kill to have some punctuation.
ECBKuyou: Wait, another mystery? Since when has Haruhi ever actually found a mystery she cared about enough to announce it to the Brigade?
ECBKuyou: The author also said this was based on the anime/manga. The only actual 'mystery' that came up there was the one that Haruhi got bored with and abandoned twenty minutes into the search. She didn't 'bring' that to anyone; it was handed to her.
ECBYoukai: Since when is Haruhi the last one into the clubroom, anyway?
ECBYoukai: Kyon: "Penalty!"
"And we should care why?" Kyon inquired while having a bored expression on his face.
ECBYoukai: Kyon has a very good point.
ECBEnglishNazi: I'm picturing Kyon in deep concentration. "This is hard. I'm talking, and at the same time, I'm having a bored expression on my face!"
ECB: Okay, so Kyon in this fic is kind of a jerk. But also, somebody had to ask it.
ECBKt3: It seriously comes across as trying to look bored, rather than actually being disinterested.
ECBYoukai: It takes some effort.
ECBKuyou: Usually that's the kind of thing Kyon would think instead of say, but sure. Whatever.
ECBArakawa: Well, maybe it's the 'having' of the expression that takes so much energy. Could just use "with a bored expression on his face", you know.
"Let me get to that part." Haruhi replied giving a fake pout.
comma abuse count +1
ECBKuyou: Oh, yes. Because Haruhi pouts. I guess that's our 'mild OOCness'.
ECBEnglishNazi: FAKE pouts, nonetheless.
ECBPax: And now I'll spend the rest of the fic waiting for Haruhi to get to the part that explains why we should care.
ECBEnglishNazi: Okay. Punctuation at the end of a quote, 30-second version:
ECBEnglishNazi: You don't do it that way.
ECBEnglishNazi: "This is how you do it instead," I said.
ECBKt3: Let's just keep a tally for every time a period is used instead of a comma.
Kyon went back to a semi-interest state of mind, but keeping the bored expression.
ECBEnglishNazi: A semi-interest state of mind? So what, he's contemplating loans?
ECBKuyou: interest...ed? interest...ing?
ECBPax: Love the tense transition mid-sentence there.
ECBArakawa: So, logically speaking. This means that Haruhi announcing that she found a mystery made Kyon *more* bored than he was before she came into the room. Wut.
ECBKt3: That's dedication. Dedication to boredom.
ECBArakawa: This is why you think about the logical implications of what you're writing. As opposed to just putting down whatever BS comes into your head.
ECBKuyou: Yes, planning out your scenes to some degree helps avoid things like this.
"Anyway, we first need to find him then we need to bring him here for phase two." She continued with her happy expression.
comma abuse count +1
ECB: Find who? The group here isn't psychics to Haruhi's awareness. They can't go on just 'find some guy'.
ECBArakawa: Transition your facial expression. You were just now pouting! Or is fake-pouting just your happy face?
"Or you could just turn around and invite me in Mrs. Suzumiya." A calm voice stated from behind her. Haruhi jumped to her right turning around with a scared expression on her face. Kyon, Mikuru, Itsuki, and even Yuki looked at the new person leaning against the door frame. The male continued, "I am sorry if I was interrupting but I was just wondering if I could join you for a cup of tea and talk to you all. About joining this club of course and anything else that is possible."
comma abuse count +1
ECBArakawa: She must have got married during the 'several minutes later at the clubhouse'.
ECB: "I am here to congratulate you on your recent wedding!" "What wedding?" "Oh...Wait, I was talking to your mom. The married Suzumiya."
ECBPax: She eloped with Mr. Hair Dew on the way to the club room.
ECBKt3: I honestly would care less if he used something annoying like "Suzumiya-chwama", but to misuse your own language's titles...
ECBEnglishNazi: So he's going to talk about joining the club, walking to school, taking a plane to San Francisco, scuba diving, and everything else that's possible?
ECBEnglishNazi: And so far this guy is 'a calm voice' and 'a male'. Can we have some non-stupid nouns here?
ECBKuyou: Words that also describe Kyon, someone the author plans on 'beating,' incidentally.
ECBYoukai: We automatically know this guy is Important with a capital 'Im', though. I mean, even Yuki looked up! And everyone knows she's just a doll!
ECBArakawa: That raises a good point. Thanks to the lack of description, how do we even know it's the same guy she saw earlier?
ECBPax: Because he's the only other guy that exists.
ECBKuyou: We don't, because the author isn't doing a very good job with description.
ECB: Oh, we can give the nondescript Japanese boy the benefit of the doubt. It's probably him.
ECBKuyou: Because he's 'the Male'. Obviously Kyon and Koizumi are an esper and a Kyon, respectively.
"Oh yes, sorry, of course please come in and have a seat. Mikuru whip up this man a cup of tea. Hurry up now," Haruhi ordered.
ECB: Did Haruhi just say she was sorry when recruiting someone? Guess this is a very passive Haruhi in this fic.
ECBKuyou: Not only sorry, she said 'please'.
ECBEnglishNazi: So is the proper verb for preparing tea 'to whip up'?
ECBPax: Yes. And it takes precisely one jiffy.
ECBEnglishNazi: Because I think that would lead to pain and potential scalding.
ECBKt3: "Mikuru, aerate that tea for me! Make sure it's frothy!"
By the time the male sat down the tea was ready to go but when Mikuru got halfway to him she tripped on a cable. The cup and hot tea went up into the air and that was when it happened. Out of nowhere the male caught Mikuru and the cup, and quick succession the hot tea in the cup. Everyone was surprised at the speed he had traveled to do that they just looked at the pair. He helped Mikuru back up to her feet before he took a sip of the tea and stated, "This is quite divine Mrs. Asahina." With smile on his face that scared Haruhi's into a frown.
ECB: Ah, nondescript hero is...SUPERMAN. He's not even wearing his glasses.
ECBYoukai: Man, now Mikuru's married? Who's the lucky bastard this time?
ECBEnglishNazi: So wait, he can defy the laws of surface tension?
ECBKuyou: He's 'the male'. Maybe he's the only one in the entire world?
ECBArakawa: I have to admit, catching hot tea in a cup might look cool in your head. But once written down in prose, it's just kind of stupid.
ECBYoukai: And since when is Haruhi ever scared? Or is that supposed to be scarred? I'd be scarred if I was in that fic, certainly. I think I may be scarred just from reading it.
ECBArakawa: She realizes what kind of fic she's in now.
ECB: Just to hammer it in: 'Mrs' is when someone is married. 'Ms' is for not.
ECBKuyou: Or 'miss', if you like.
ECBEnglishNazi: So did he scare Haruhi, or did he scare Haruhi's face? Clarity in your nouns, Luke.
ECBKuyou: The sheer volume of missing words in this fic would probably expand it a few hundred words, if they were added in properly.
"Th-thank you-u." is all she could get out from the blushing.
comma abuse count +1
ECBKuyou: Why is Haruhi thanking him? The last person referenced was Haruhi, so this is her action.
ECBEnglishNazi: ...
ECBEnglishNazi: So now she stutters and blushes?
ECBYoukai: Because blushing causes stuttering.
ECBPax: A fresh new bride, blushing so hard it impedes speech.
ECBArakawa: Also, this fic teaches us that nondescript people are apparently so attractive that they cause blushing. Mere seconds after entering a room.
ECBEnglishNazi: If you're going to use a pronoun, order it with your referents properly.
ECBKuyou: I just can't understand why she's so happy that this guy prevented Mikuru from being clumsy and moe. Or why it makes her blush and stutter. What a mystery!
ECBYoukai: How do you stutter a u, anyway?
ECB: Remember, making sure that you declare which character is reacting is important to being coherent.
"Enough of those chit chats. How did you do you that? Who are you? Where do you come from? And why do want to join the SOS Brigade?" Haruhi questioned eagerly and rapidly.
ECBKuyou: Haruhi's mood sure changes in a flash. Eagerly and rapidly? It's hard for me to imagine Haruhi doing something eagerly and lethargically.
ECB: "Enough chit-chatting" would be the right way to say that.
ECBArakawa: Also, "the character did the character that" stuff.
ECBArakawa: According to Haruhi, at least. I think one 'you' might have sufficed.
ECBYoukai: Most of Haruhi's comments end in question marks. I think we got that she's questioning him.
ECB: You know, given the context earlier, you think she would ask: "Are you a space alien or do you have special powers?" I mean, he's demonstrated two possible examples right in front of her.
ECB: And given her normal interest in the unnatural, you think she'd ask.
ECBKt3: He's obviously such a prime hunk of beef that his testosterone gives him mystical powers.
ECBKuyou: That's true. He is the legendary Male, after all!
"I guess it is fair to answer those questions. First my name is Tyler Ensis. Second I am from Rome, Italy. Thirdly I want to join because I prefer to have an interesting club to work with." Tyler stated with a faint smile, and then continued, "Lastly speed and muscle control training. I can run a twelve point six for a mile flat before breaking a sweat nowadays."
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: So. 'Run a twelve point six for a mile flat'. What, pray, is it to 'run a twelve point six'?
ECBYoukai: Twelve point six what?
ECBEnglishNazi: This isn't really defined.
ECBKuyou: Minutes? Seconds? Days?
ECBYoukai: Twelve point six miles an hour?
ECBKt3: Wait. Twelve point six minutes for a mile? That's hilariously bad.
ECBArakawa: Also, he's supposedly a foreigner. You'd think you would have described that right off the bat, since it's literally the first thing anyone in Japan would notice about him.
ECB: He speaks fantastic Japanese for an Italian transfer student. Wouldn't an Italian stand out pretty heavily compared to the other students at Haruhi's school?
ECBEnglishNazi: The only thing I can think of for 'run a twelve point six' is run 100 meters in 12.6 seconds. Which would mean he's quite handily obliterated the world record mile run. Why haven't we heard of this guy?
ECBKuyou: Do they use miles in Italy, or kilometers? I guess it could be chalked up to localization.
ECB: They use kilometers in Italy.
ECBKuyou: And also Japan.
ECBKt3: He's just your standard teenage superstar Italian sex god.
ECBYoukai: If you're going to use random technobabble (of any kind), make sure it at least makes sense. Loading a shotgun with words that sound vaguely like what you want and firing never works out.
ECBPax: I like the totally undefined unit of measure for time/distance in his introductory "I run fast" statement. He also makes the Kessel Run in less than three parsecs.
"That is quite impressive, but I bet I could do better. Maybe even Kyon could do the same," Haruhi stated with a smirk on her face.
ECB: We are all super athletes!
ECB: SURPRISE!
ECBArakawa: No pressure, Kyon!
ECBKuyou: Kyon regularly breaks the sound barrier on a whim, evidently.
ECBYoukai: Or maybe he beats snails.
ECBYoukai: Hard to say.
ECBArakawa: Either that, or Haruhi wasn't even listening.
ECBKuyou: If the aspiring author were a bit better, we'd know!
Surprised at the comment, Kyon yelled, "Hey don't start bringing me into something I know I cannot do."
ECBYoukai: Well, at least Kyon knows what it is. Wish someone would clue the rest of us in.
ECBArakawa: Punctuation: "Hey, don't start"
ECBPax: Kyon's a yeller, definitely.
ECBEnglishNazi: Yup. Every second line, really.
ECBKuyou: Probably just shock at proximity to the Male.
ECB: So, Kyon is an honest jerk in the fic so far and Haruhi is...a passive bragger? Just trying to get a peg on the characters, since they seem a bit all over the place already.
ECBKt3: Haruhi went exploring the school for mysteries and found the greatest mystery - a foreigner!
ECBYoukai: She already had one of those, though.
ECBPax: The Male is beyond an alpha male. He is the Arch-Male.
ECBKt3: He is the Ulti-male.
"I see anyway when I can I start in club's activities." Tyler calmly said.
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: You see anyway? What does it look like?
ECBKt3: When what how what. There's also an extra "I" in that first sentence.
ECBKuyou: "Well, I don't have to tell you since you already know," Haruhi answered.
ECB: I think it's just more missing commas.
ECBArakawa: And he knows... how exactly?
ECBPax: Because he is the Male.
ECBEnglishNazi: It's two sentences appended to each other. Kind of like two buses that crashed into each other. The join is similarly awkward.
ECBKuyou: A sea of commas lies dead and wasted.
ECBYoukai: If I'm parsing this right, he's already assuming he's in the Brigade.
ECBKuyou: Well, he's the only Male around. That uniqueness gives him an automatic entry into the Brigade.
ECBArakawa: Oh don't worry, he *said* he can run his awesome undefined mile.
ECBArakawa: I'm sure the canon Haruhi would take him at his word without actually testing him in several grueling and arbitrary stages or anything.
"Well seeing as tomorrow is Saturday. How about tomorrow? Say the Metro station, and if you're late the penalty will be delivered." Haruhi said with a look of deep thought, and her finger on her chin.
comma abuse count +1
ECBArakawa: Okay, location research. I'm pretty sure that if he read pretty much any Haruhi fanfiction in existence (or hell, the *novels*) that referred to 'the train station', he would have cause to suspect that he should just call it... 'the train station'.
ECBKuyou: Train stations are clearly visible in the anime, as well.
ECBKuyou: "The metro station," Tyler answered, as ordered.
ECBKuyou: "Too late!" Haruhi yelled. "Penalty!"
ECBKuyou: The hazards of missing commas.
ECBEnglishNazi: This is eight, for those who care.
ECBKt3: I'm calling it now, the penalty will either bash Kyon horribly for no reason or it'll make the Male look so much cooler.
ECBKuyou: Undoubtedly.
"Sure I will be there." Tyler said with another faint smile.
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: Nine...
ECBKuyou: Where was the first faint smile?
ECBPax: Too faint for our scanners, which picked up a lot of static from the Male.
ECBEnglishNazi: It's hiding in the same place as the definition of how fast this guy can run.
ECBYoukai: You buy comma? 50 MSK! Comma very good quality!
Haruhi gave her signature smile before stating, "I am going home meeting dismissed." She grabbed her bag off the floor and left the room closing the door behind her.
ECBArakawa: Punctuation!
ECBEnglishNazi: Who's this Dismissed guy that you're meeting? And you're bringing him to your house already?
ECBPax: The guy she married?
ECBEnglishNazi: Must be.
ECBPax: "Oh, Dismissed!" "Oh, Mrs. Suzumiy!"
ECB: Wow, short meeting. She didn't even take the time to bug the guy with questions.
ECBKt3: Pretty soon she'll be swooning with thoughts of children.
ECBYoukai: I think that's the first time I've ever seen her not slam the door.
ECBEnglishNazi: She didn't close the door. The room did.
"Now that she is gone I am sure the three of you have questions for me, especially you Mrs. Nagato." Tyler stated boldly while taking off his sunglasses revealing bluish-green eyes.
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: She's married too now?
ECBPax: Hooray, another wedding!
ECBKt3: But now who will he seduce?
ECB: Everybody is married! Actually, why is he wearing his sunglasses inside? That's pretty dumb.
ECBPax: He wears his sunglasses at night.
ECBKuyou: If there's only one Male around, who are they married TO, anyway?
ECBYoukai: Three? What is Koizumi, chopped liver? Or is he even here?
ECBYoukai: Actually, he's an esper, so I suppose he could have gotten a clue this was coming and stayed out of the way.
The first one to speak up was Yuki. She asked/stated, "How are you here I have no record of you in my databases, nor of who you work for."
ECBKt3: Well I just threw up in my mouth.
ECBEnglishNazi: No record of him? In the IDSE databases?
ECBKuyou: Asked or stated? Pick one and commit!
ECBYoukai: She has no idea who he is or how he got here, but she knows he works for someone else.
ECBKuyou: I've never seen Yuki be so wordy! Well, except to Kyon that one time.
ECBArakawa: She's been replaced by an SQL server.
ECBKt3: Why is Yuki starting the questioning off, anyway?
ECBYoukai: Obviously because the Male said she would.
ECB: By the way, it is a bit striking when normally secretive characters reveal their secrets right away.
ECB: "Welcome to the Masquerade, people. Everyone, take off your masks."
"Hmmmm, we perceived as much. My real name is Conit Fiset. As for how I am here and who I work for is quite a story. I am from a place called by locals Nyenal five, and I work for a corporation that sent probes here over twenty years ago and up to three years ago we were getting information. After that we sent in field agents such as me and a few others. Our mission was to look into the disappearance of the probes and the massive power source that destroyed them three years ago. Which led us to Haruhi Suzumiya as the power source, and I was order to intermingle with her and this club."
ECB: If his real name is Conit, why did he give a fake one right away? I mean it isn't like Haruhi would know that Conit isn't an Italian name. Of course, neither is Tyler.
ECBKuyou: I'm not really clear on why this guy needs a fake name at all. If he's already outside the IDSE database, it seems kind of pointless.
ECBEnglishNazi: You work for quite a story? How does it tell you what to do?
ECBArakawa: "who I work for, it is quite a story"
ECBKt3: I can just see the slogan for Ulti-male's home planet. 'Nyenal five: The five Is Lowercase!'
ECBArakawa: These probes -- what kind of information were they getting?
ECBYoukai: Why were they sent?
ECBKuyou: In space? A chunk of cheese? Some remote planet?
ECB: So wait... Where have you been for the last 3 years? I mean if you were sent over here then, what have you been doing? Just hiding in the background?
ECBPax: Apparently their probe technology is so advanced that when they need to gather information, they send people instead of... more probes?
ECBEnglishNazi: If they can send people, why did they send probes in the first place?
ECBArakawa: Anyhow, the story he gives is out of order. The sequence of events is apparently:
ECBArakawa: (1) they sent probes to gather information of some kind
ECBArakawa: (2) three years ago they stopped sending information
ECBArakawa: (3) so they sent (apparently their most annoying) people
ECBArakawa: (to get rid of them, I can only assume)
ECBKt3: And with that information they... uh... um...
ECBPax: It could just be a plan to get rid of the Male. "We think our probes were destroyed. We need you to check it out personally."
ECBKuyou: Of course, the number after a planet should be in roman numerals, not a standard numerical value.
ECBKuyou: I'm fascinated by the people who named their planet only after they knew how many other planets there were in their solar system. That would be like us calling our home world 'Sol III' instead of 'Earth'.
ECBPax: You mean 'Sol three (the three is Lowercase)'.
"So what you are saying is that if need be you will kill Mrs. Suzumiya." Itsuki stated losing his smile.
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: Now where did this come from? No one's suggested it so far. Nor have any of the other factions investigating Haruhi apparently even considered it.
ECBPax: Koizumi makes a ninja appearance.
ECBYoukai: So Koizumi actually is here. I guess the Male is just bad at counting.
ECBYoukai: Or maybe the word for 'four' on his planet is actually 'three'.
ECBKuyou: Actually, I think that's the 'Kyon beatings'. Conit intentionally doesn't count Kyon. If so, the author is doing a very poor job of letting us understand this.
ECB: Wait...what? Besides the missing commas, when did killing ever come into play?
"Yes and no, such action might be too costly, and for my group is not only one interested in her, from my area. For us, the agents are from a war torn dimension. Isn't that right time traveler, or maybe you would like some proof espier." Conit stated taking a seat at the table and finishing off the cup of tea.
comma abuse count +1
ECBKuyou: So he freely admits that he might try and kill Haruhi? That's wonderful. I wonder who her romantic interest will be, to save her from this creepy space-psycho.
ECBEnglishNazi: He's taken one of the missing commas from earlier and dropped it into this sentence.
ECB: Espier! Spelling is a powerful art!
ECBPax: Koizumi isn't just an esper, he's espier.
ECBKt3: He's an esper who doubles as a spy. An espier.
"How can you prove those facts!" Kyon stated.
ECBArakawa: Why are we ending questions in exclamation marks!
ECBPax: With exclamation marks, Kyon deadpans. Truly a master.
ECBYoukai: Wow, Kyon already knows they're facts.
ECB: Is that really what you want to ask, Kyon? How about who the heck is this who is willing to say "Yeah, I am here so that I might kill Haruhi?"
ECB: I mean, it is a pretty violent way to introduce yourself to say you might kill one of the main characters right off the bat.
ECBYoukai: Particularly in front of one character that's practically a reality warper herself and another with a huge vested interest in keeping Haruhi alive.
ECB: "Hey, I miiight have to kill one of your best friends. Just maybe. It's all cool, right?"
ECB: They're all taking it pretty calmly really.
ECBPax: They're still in shock at meeting the Male.
ECBKuyou: I think they may be cardboard cutouts, not real characters.
"Mrs. Asahina may I please have more of the tea please. As for your question Kyon. I can do a small demonstration of my Nyenal powers." Tyler stated while Mikuru poured some more tea into the cup.
comma abuse count +1
ECBKuyou: So many missing commas here. Missing question mark, as well.
ECBYoukai: You buy comma? Only 50 MSK! Two comma, 75 MSK!
ECBArakawa: Your what powers?
ECBPax: This is where he turns into a rainbow-trailing pop-tart and flies around the room.
ECB: Aside from the super-speed you demonstrated already?
ECBEnglishNazi: And ability to defy the laws of surface tension? >_>
ECB: Anyhow, drinking game? One drink every ten missed commas?
ECBKuyou: No, ECB. We'll die of liver poisoning within the hour.
ECBYoukai: And I only have two bottles of wine and some rum, ECB. Oh, and the brandy and sherry.
ECBKuyou: Clearly wouldn't be enough.
"Then do it!" Kyon exclaimed.
ECBEnglishNazi: Wow, Kyon's excitable.
ECBArakawa: You think he might not be quite *that* eager for the guy who claims he might kill Haruhi to start using his powers in broad daylight.
ECB: Didn't several of them have vested interest in not having supernatural effects going on visibly at the school?
ECBYoukai: Not... particularly, just not around folks not in on the masquerade.
ECBKuyou: The club room neutralizes almost all supernatural powers anyway. It's over-saturated with the other powers, making it a 'safe' zone.
ECBArakawa: I really can't imagine how the author would know that detail. It's not like he pays attention even to any of the obvious canon details.
ECBKuyou: Fair point.
"I will before that an explanation. Everyone on my home planet has a power that they may control the power. Some are easier than other, and without a further adieu I give you mine." Conit said. He had the tea in cup lift up and swirled it around before placing it back in the cup.
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: He's a water-bender!
ECB: Everybody has a power that they may control the power? That's...pretty incoherent.
ECB: Maybe you meant: "And they train to control that power?"
Next he had a ball of wind form in his hand then shot it out of the window. Then a small flame came off the lip of Kyon's cup and danced around it before disappearing. Conit continued, "That was just some of the basics that I have learned as a soldier."
ECBEnglishNazi: No, wait! Air-bender! No! Fire-bender!
ECBPax: Okay, so the Male is the Avatar.
ECBEnglishNazi: Well, we already knew that.
ECBKuyou: From 'The Last Airbender', not 'Author Avatar'. Though, he's that, too.
ECB: But of course, you just showed off 3 forms of elemental manipulation and super-speed, so that's really not 'a' power.
ECBYoukai: So he's a soldier that works for a corporation. I thought those were called mercenaries.
ECBEnglishNazi: "Without a further adieu"? So he's not going to say goodbye to us? Pity.
"Well I see your point about you from a different dimension. Nobody here can do that here." Itsuki said with an upbeat tune to voice while his eyes were closed and a smile on his face.
comma abuse count +1
ECBYoukai: Except, you know, Yuki probably could.
ECBHateMachine: I am re-reading those lines again and again and they don't make any more sense any time.
ECBKt3: He is a super-special awesome soldier who learned all of these cool tricks and look how awesome he is and mature and all of that.
ECBPax: He is... Captain Nyenal Five!
ECBKt3: What he's actually doing is subtly showing off his real power. And that power is to hurt your mind through the computer screen.
ECBHateMachine: It's an effective power.
ECBKuyou: Different planet, different dimension, and he still speaks Japanese. Also looks perfectly human, evidently. Amazing.
ECBKt3: By the power and authority vested in my Maleness, I now pronounce all of you women hitched!
ECBHateMachine: That's another small trick he picked up as a soldier. They teach you that. It's true.
ECB: And comes from Italy for some reason as his cover?
ECBPax: Yes. And says his name is "Tyler" because that's a good cover for a fake Italian guy.
ECB: Wouldn't it be easier to just say he comes from somewhere else in Japan?
Conit finished the cup tea then stated, "Well I see all of you tomorrow and remember call me Tyler Ensis. I don't need my presence being leaked to the enemies of the Nyes" he stood up, put on his sunglasses, walked towards the door, and before he opened the door, he continued, "oh and Mikuru, I have not had that good of tea since I left Nyenal five. In fact you out do their skills, and that is the best as for where I am from. Kyon you will never get a date with that sort of mind. Clean it up and select a different girl, trust me." With that he left the room. Leaving Kyon taken aback at the last statement.
ECBKuyou: 'Outdo' is one word.
ECBYoukai: The Nyes? You mean he works for Bill Nye the Science Guy?
ECBArakawa: Is cup tea like cup noodle?
ECB: Because enemies of Nyes know you by name and not by face or magical powers? Also, that makes six magic powers: Mind Reading.
ECBEnglishNazi: He's also precognitive. "I see all of you tomorrow."
ECBPax: He's got the three elemental ones, super-speed, mind reading, spontaneous marriage...
ECBArakawa: Wow, he's kind of a jerk. "This is good tea Mikuru makes. Kyon, you will never be her boyfriend. Okay, bye."
ECBKuyou: Okay. Kyon-bashing isn't my favorite thing in the world, but that's not even bashing. That's just your main character being a dick without providing context.
ECBHateMachine: I like to read his lines as they're actually written. You know, one long burst of talking, without any stops for little things like breathing.
ECBPax: Is not breathing a power?
ECB: "Hey, you have dirty thoughts. Girls won't like you!"
ECBKuyou: Narration doesn't tell us that Kyon suddenly went from thinking about this guy maybe killing Haruhi to ... something evidently inappropriate. And 'different girl'?
ECBKuyou: What girl did he select? The Male is interested in Haruhi, so if it's Mikuru, which we get through context, why would the Male care?
ECBKt3: Of course he should find a different girl. They're all married now.
ECBPax: How can Kyon select a different girl if the Male keeps marrying them all?
ECBYoukai: It's all just an attempt to save the commas; they're an endangered species on his home planet.
"I don't trust him." Kyon stated coldly.
ECBKuyou: Well, shit, I wouldn't either.
ECBArakawa: The first line in this fic that I can't quibble with!
ECBEnglishNazi: Yeah, this is just Kyon being reasonable.
ECB: I mean seriously. Major League asshole talking about killing Haruhi right off the bat?
ECBYoukai: Kyon's two for two on good judgement by my count.
ECBPax: "Hi, I'm here to kill your friend and bust your masquerade."
ECBArakawa: "You'll never be with Mikuru."
ECBArakawa: "Okay, now trust my intentions."
ECBKuyou: Well, it should have a comma leading from dialog to narration, but whatever.
"He may have just showed us those powers, but I need a little bit more proof." Mikuru said quietly while cleaning up the tea cup.
comma abuse count +1
ECBYoukai: Proof of what?
ECBKuyou: He's only shown off half a dozen powers.
ECB: That he's trustworthy? Going to kill your friend? Also hoping to break the masquerade?
ECBEnglishNazi: Well, he's demonstrated convincingly that he's a really pathetic Avatar, and also that he's an enormous asshole.
ECBHateMachine: Along with proper comma use, does Nyenal five also have logic, common sense, and 'not being a dick' on the endangered species list?
ECBYoukai: No, those are long since extinct.
ECBArakawa: I think Mikuru just wants a description of the guy, but is afraid to ask for it.
Yuki remained silent either thinking about the events, or reading no one knew which.
ECBKt3: Even the author doesn't know.
ECB: For being the talkative one earlier, she sure switched characterization fast.
ECBEnglishNazi: When he does use commas, he puts them in the wrong places.
ECBKuyou: More missing commas.... We don't have the manpower to handle the search parties we're going to need.
ECBYoukai: Comma not for sale!
"I, honestly, believe him to a point of place of origin, and the powers as well." Itsuki said with humor to his voice.
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: You believe what, now?
ECBHateMachine: Believe him to a point of place of origin and powers as well, duh. Weren't you listening?
ECBEnglishNazi: Of course. Now, what does that mean?
ECBYoukai: Rather unique sense of humor there, esper-boy.
ECBKuyou: "He just told Kyon off and threatened Haruhi; I can't imagine much funnier!"
The group stayed there a few more hours before one by one heading home.
ECBEnglishNazi: ...So, why are they just sitting around for hours?
ECBArakawa: Yeah, I mean, Haruhi is gone. That's usually the cue for them to leave as well.
ECBKuyou: Author: "Presumably they did stuff, but these characters are not important enough to go into details. Use your imagination!"
ECBKt3: Not mentioned in those hours: epic games of Parcheesi between Itsuki and Kyon.
ECBYoukai: "Some new dude just burst into the club, threatened Haruhi, and said I'll never get Mikuru. Koizumi, break out the chess set."
ECB: "Okay, Haruhi is gone, everybody, sit and stare at the wall!"
ECBHateMachine: "This is a good wall. I love this wall."
Saturday, 9:01 am
ECBArakawa: We're very exact about times and heights in this fic. Actual information we can use to picture what's going on, not so much.
ECBEnglishNazi: Just picture a guy who's five foot six! What else do you need to know?
ECBPax: I like the arbitrarily-precise time of day. Makes it feel like the Male is Jack Bauer.
ECBHateMachine: Not 9:00:54, but EXACTLY 9:01 am!
ECBKuyou: Scene dividers would have helped immensely. Also, note the very helpful location tacked onto that time. That helps us set the scene oh-so-vividly.
"Where is he? He is late." Haruhi stated impatiently. She is wearing a yellow blouse, green skirt, and a pair of flip-flops.
comma abuse count +1
ECBArakawa: Again, descriptions are in the present tense. Even as we speak, Haruhi is still wearing those flip-flops.
ECBYoukai: "Oh no! I have lost my ability to use contractions!"
ECBYoukai: It's probably the comma shortage. They've started pilfering apostrophes to try to make it up.
ECBKt3: They do look similar.
ECBKuyou: Guess this author is just scared of those strange-looking marks.
ECBHateMachine: Haruhi reads like she's in a grade school primer. I expect her to start talking about Spot and how he's running any moment now.
"I am sure he has a good explanation for his lateness." Kyon said, 'not I would want to be either lucky.' He is wearing a zip up t-shirt hoodie and jeans, with white tennis shoes.
comma abuse count +2
ECBEnglishNazi: 'not I would want to be either lucky.'
ECBEnglishNazi: Is this a sentence?
ECBHateMachine: How would you diagram that? I suspect if you tried, the pencil would stab you out of desperation.
ECBEnglishNazi: I mean...you typed it out into the fic, so presumably you think it means something. But...what?
ECBYoukai: Not just apostrophes, but they're stealing half the quotation marks now too. They must be getting desperate.
ECBKuyou: What's a t-shirt hoodie?
ECB: Maybe he means "a zip-up hoodie over his t-shirt and jeans, with white tennis shoes"?
ECB: That took some doing by the way. It really shouldn't be that hard to figure out what you're trying to say.
"Why would I need to explain myself? When I have been here since eight thirty," Tyler said calmly scaring the group. Who turn to see him standing under a tree that was giving shade to its sole occupant who is wearing a grey t-shirt and green camo pants and black boots. 'Whoa how is he that silent in moving?' Kyon thought, knowing what this meant.
ECB: New Power: Invisibility.
ECBHateMachine: "calmly scaring the group"
ECBPax: The Male's calm voice is utterly terrifying.
ECBArakawa: Why is he using different quotation marks for the two speakers? Is it to distinguish them since you can't be bothered to separate Kyon out into his own paragraph?
ECBKuyou: Generally, it's a terrible idea to have dialogue from two characters in a single paragraph. Admittedly, this fic is full of terrible ideas.
ECBKuyou: Even so, if one of those bits is thought instead of narration ... separate paragraphs.
ECBYoukai: It would have been good to know that single quotes were thoughts a bit earlier.
ECB: New Power: Making other people buy his bullshit.
ECBKuyou: I've lost count of his powers.
ECBEnglishNazi: My favorite power is still spontaneous marriage.
ECBPax: There are no single quotes. They're all married now.
"That means Kyon was the last one here. That means he is going to buy us lunch," Haruhi stated with a smile. She continued, "Ok now then that means we draw straws to see the teams."
comma abuse count +1
ECBYoukai: "Awesome, I get to penalize Kyon again!"
ECBEnglishNazi: Draw straws...to see the teams?
ECB: But he was here on time? Also, Haruhi just established herself as a jerk.
ECBKuyou: That doesn't actually strike me as Haruhi logic, actually. I would expect canon Haruhi to think that the last one she saw was the last to arrive.
ECBKuyou: I guess it's Kyon-bashing, like we were promised, it's just, it's not even set up well.
ECBKt3: "Teehee. Oh Ulti-male, because you were a dick and claimed you were there at 8:30, now you saddle the poor Butt Monkey with the bill."
ECB: Well, not like anything else is!
ECBPax: "Kyon, you'll never date Mikuru, and you have to buy us all lunch. Also you were adopted."
ECBGLaDOS: "And that's terrible."
ECB: This bashing is the worst!
Tyler drew a red one. Kyon drew a red one. Itsuki (wearing his school uniform) drew a blue one. Mikuru (who was wearing comforting fitting pink sundress and red shoes) drew a red one. Leaving Haruhi and Yuki (She is also wearing her school uniform) with blue ones.
ECBKt3: ...That's not how drawing straws works.
ECBPax: I guess you just pick the color of straw you want?
ECB: Ouch. Come on, use some separate sentences to describe people. Sure, it's nice to finally get some description, but that's just awkward.
ECBEnglishNazi: How would we ever survive if we didn't know precisely what everyone was wearing at all times?
ECBKuyou: Why is Koizumi in school uniform, anyway?
ECBArakawa: Can we just elide the part about uniforms? I can kind of assume their clothes aren't interesting enough to mention on my own, here.
ECBHateMachine: How can a dress be comforting?
ECBEnglishNazi: Maybe it's whispering reassurances in her ear?
We went our separate ways. After about half an hour later on a deserted part of sidewalk, Tyler stopped his procession and said, "Now both of you still need some more proof as for where I came from. Well I asked a squad mate of mine to help confirm it, for you two at least."
ECBEnglishNazi: We? Are we in first-person now?
ECBKuyou: Now, normally this could be a simple typo. But I have a suspicion based on the importance of the Male. This wasn't a slip in grammar. This is an accidental admission that this fic is blatant wish-fulfillment on the part of the author.
ECBKuyou: Conit, the Male, is not just an OC (or an ANC (Annoying New Character) as we old-timers call them); he is also the author avatar.
ECBKuyou: So this is a fic about the author saying, "I wish I had awesome powers and could bully Kyon."
ECBKuyou: I'm ... not sure where else you're going with this, author, but that's not impressing me so far.
ECBKt3: This was blatant wish-fulfillment since the first time the Ulti-male spoke.
ECBKt3: What it likely is, is that he says to himself, "well I'm so much cooler than this loser Kyon" and in addition "man that Haruhi chick is hot :)))". Mix and simmer over low writing skills, and you have this.
ECBYoukai: Gasp! How can you possibly make such an assertion?
ECBHateMachine: What baseless and foul slander.
ECBHateMachine: No, wait. That other thing.
ECBHateMachine: Completely correct and accurate assessment.
ECBHateMachine: Yeah, that one.
ECBEnglishNazi: Well, we already knew he was the Avatar.
ECBArakawa: The Male is so important, when he walks, it's called a procession.
ECBYoukai: It took him half an hour to get to that point?
ECB: Why is the squad mate not watching Haruhi too? Weren't they just here to scout out the power source that blew up their probes?
ECBYoukai: Not that we have any idea why they care about our dimension/planet in the first place, but eh, who's keeping score?
ECBArakawa: This is ripped off from the mystery search in Melancholy. He has them repeat the setup down to the letter, because he can't be bothered to invent his own scenario for a Brigade outing.
ECBKuyou: Anyway, let's see what Tyler/Conit, the author avatar, does next.
"Conit I did not think you would bring two people." A voice from behind Mikuru and Kyon stated.
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: Here we have voices stating things again. Is this person a ghost? Some sort of disembodied echo?
ECB: HEIL PRONOUN.
ECBYoukai: Conit is a ventriloquist. Power... what, nine?
ECB: Yes, nine.
ECBPax: You can tell he's a coworker Wal-Mart mercenary from Nyancat five because he doesn't use commas either. It's a shibboleth among their people.
ECBKuyou: Also, if Haruhi is deciding the groups, how does the Male have any power over the makeup of the groups?
"The two worst trustees of the group so I am glad." Conit stated, "And please do remember we use our civilian names outside a secured location, Alexander."
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: The two worst trustees? So what, this is a company now?
ECBYoukai: They're trying to bilk the SOS Brigade trust for all its funds!
ECBArakawa: "You brought the two worst bozos in our army! This is a good thing apparently!"
ECB: These people don't trust me, so I brought them along into an ambush with more of my co-workers. This is to show I am a good person who would not commit murder. Now they will surely believe me!
ECBArakawa: "Don't worry guys, I brought *incompetent* coworkers!"
ECBArakawa: "So it'll surely be not threatening for you!"
ECBKuyou: I still don't understand the significance of extra names. I mean, you use assumed names when you need to blend in, or people can research your own name. In this instance, not even the IDSE can look up their information.
ECBKuyou: And they already failed at choosing Italian names. So this makes readers have a difficult time understanding these new characters' multiple names.
ECBKt3: Man, these guys are absolute balls at OpSec.
"Sorry sir, it is just that male doesn't seem that annoying." Alexander replied, he was wearing a dark blue t-shirt and blue jeans and black tennis shoes, "But the girl is as cute as a button."
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: So Kyon is a male too? Or is he referring to the Male?
ECBYoukai: Wait, that can't be right. The author avatar is the designated Male.
ECBPax: I think the Male is that annoying.
ECBKuyou: You know, I dislike Kyon-bashing, but I have to say.
ECBKuyou: YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.
ECBKuyou: You mean 'is annoying' or 'doesn't seem that dangerous', or ... hell, I don't know. I can't tell what's going on here anymore.
ECBYoukai: You mean you actually -could- at some point?
ECBKt3: "Sorry sir"? This turd has rank?
ECBPax: This turd *is* rank. Do-ho-ho-ho!
ECB: By the way, 'Girl' matches with 'Guy'. 'male' with 'female'. You should at least stay consistent to what level of complete inability to talk at them you're going to use.
ECBArakawa: Nyancats just call every guy they meet a 'male'. That's the designated pronoun on Nyancat Five. Which we've established the author himself is from, being practically a self-insert. So it even infects the narration.
"Hey we are right here and we have and want names you know." Kyon stated annoying the two Nyenal agents.
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: You have and want names?
ECBPax: That's borderline existentialist.
ECBYoukai: "We have names, but we always want more!"
ECBArakawa: I can't comprehend this sentence enough to comment on it. I'll have to settle for face-palming.
ECB: Apparently, Kyon now expects everyone to be mind-readers too. Dammit, why don't you already know my name!
ECBKuyou: I'm sure that's the worst of what we should expect....
ECBYoukai: This is because Mikuru is actually Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca the Third.
ECBKt3: Yeah, but you can just call her cute.
"And there it is. Anyways may I introduce Mikuru Asahina and Kyon. You two this is Alexander or Daniel Bolt." Conit stated with a polite tone.
comma abuse count +1
ECBKuyou: There what is?
ECBEnglishNazi: Is he Alexander, or is he Daniel Bolt?
ECBHateMachine: "Alexander or Daniel Bolt"? That's a weird name.
ECBPax: I think his name is actually Alexander/Daniel.
ECBYoukai: Wait. I thought you just chewed him out for using 'real' names in an unsecured location, then you just spill his?
ECBKt3: Alexander is his "alien" name. Because it's a very "alien" name.
ECBKuyou: You're right; his name is supposed to be SECRET. And he's supposed to be using a COVER name. So why the hell not just throw both out?
ECBYoukai: Bad form, sir, thumping bad form.
ECBArakawa: Actually, I'd be kind of confused which name is supposed to be secret at this point.
ECBKuyou: I honestly can't tell.
ECBArakawa: Is Bolt his secret last name or his cover name? Or, both?
ECBPax: They blurt them all out with roughly equal frequency.
ECBYoukai: I'm guessing Daniel, but does it actually matter?
ECBArakawa: Also, they were apparently just too lazy to invent a fake last name for Aledaniel Bolt.
"Look you two may want a long explained answer as to where we came from. I can do better. We are stepbrothers so everything that he told you is true. Now let's so them the tattoo." Daniel said without hesitation. The agents showed them a star with one half circles above the star. Tyler had two horizontal bars below his star. Daniel continued, "See only agents have a rank tattooed into their skin. Mine means Corporal, and his means Master Segeant."
comma abuse count +1
ECBKuyou: 'so' to 'show'? Nothing says 'covert' like 'identifying tattoo'.
ECB: It's been a long time since I've seen Appeal to Familia.
ECB: "My step-bro says it, so it must be true!"
ECBArakawa: Also, we have tattoos!
ECBArakawa: Logic fail!
ECBYoukai: Man.
ECB: Wait... they tattoo their rank indicators in a hidden location? Really?
ECBYoukai: Promotion would -suck-. "Yeah, I'm going from lieutenant to major, have to get my old tattoo removed."
ECBEnglishNazi: Also, wasn't he just calling the Avatar 'sir'? Why is the Avatar a corporal, then?
ECBKuyou: And where the hell are these tattoos, anyway?
ECB: Well, we just know they're somewhere hidden, so you can't tell what rank people are!
ECBPax: Trust him, he's a "segeant."
ECBArakawa: You'll just have to take our word that we have tattoos somewhere! And that somehow proves everything!
ECBHateMachine: Hell, give me a sharpie, I'm making myself General and ordering those two to soak their heads.
"Ok but that doesn't explain why you are here still." Kyon retorted to the pair.
comma abuse count +1
ECBYoukai: Wow. Kyon's three for three. Way to go.
ECBEnglishNazi: Lack of commas. But points for true statement.
ECBKuyou: Strangely enough for a bashed character, Kyon is coming across as The Only Sane Man.
ECBKuyou: That must be his crime. Being the only sane man in a mad world.
ECBArakawa: His sanity is an unavoidable obstacle to the author's wish fulfillment.
ECBHateMachine: Shun him! Shun the sane man!
ECBHateMachine: We'll run him into town on a pail!
ECBYoukai: You make a very good point.
Author: "And for this I will BASH THEE!"
ECBYoukai: Isn't that its own punishment, though?
ECBEnglishNazi: It's sadly common in bashfics to have the guy they're trying to bash—by having them question the Avatar, how terrible—come off as the most likable one.
ECBKt3: It's supposed to be more of a whining tone, but the author can't write that well enough.
ECBArakawa: Basically, if Kyon was OOC at this point, he'd be far less satisfying to bash.
"I told you that yesterday. Now Daniel must leave us or we will be caught." Conit stated to the group. With that Daniel left as quietly as he had arrived.
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: As quietly as he had arrived? So he left by ventriloquism?
ECBKuyou: Caught by ... who?
ECBYoukai: Wait, these guys have enemies? Do they have a website? Can I donate?
ECBKuyou: Is there an enrollment process? Do they have forms?
ECBEnglishNazi: They're next to the death, love and hatred forms.
ECB: Well, I don't know why the mind reading invisible super-speed guys are worried about being caught.
ECBKuyou: Or by who.
:
ECBKuyou: Oh, we do so love those transitions.
ECBYoukai: Nishinomiya has a subway now? Otherwise, why bother to point out that this is aboveground?
ECBEnglishNazi: ...and what's happening here?
ECBHateMachine: As opposed to the below-air metro station. And is this noon or midnight? I'm going to assume it's midnight.
ECBKt3: The scenery is amazing.
ECBHateMachine: In fact, I'm going to assume it's midnight and read everything that happens now to myself in a pseudo-noir tone.
ECBKuyou: Tell me if that improves things.
ECBYoukai: It won't help.
ECBHateMachine: Ah.
"So did you guys find anything?" Haruhi asked with a down casted tone.
ECBKuyou: Where is this scene taking place? We were told, but there's no description whatsoever.
ECBEnglishNazi: A down casted tone? So her tone...is made out of cast metal...which is also, somehow, made of feathers?
ECBArakawa: I'm going to hurt myself by tallying up the time they spent. This is apparently when they reconvene with Haruhi.
ECBArakawa: So they met at 9am, immediately dispersed. Then at 9:30 they had the conversation with Daniel, and spent at least two hours staring at the sky doing nothing.
"Sorry Mrs. Suzumiya, but no." Tyler stated.
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: Here's that 'spontaneous marriage' again.
ECBArakawa: He needs to renew the marriage thing frequently for it to stick.
ECBHateMachine: It was a rough life, being a private dick, but at least she had the alcohol to keep her numbed.
ECBKt3: NOIR: It was nighttime. I had taken a case that had me out at the aboveground metro station past dark. That's when I saw them. Mrs. Suzumiy was meeting with some sleazy Italian mobster. Bingo.
ECBKuyou: Stop writing a more compelling story than the author. It's distracting us from how bad this is.
ECBKuyou: Actually, on second thought....
ECBYoukai: ...hmm. You may be onto something.
"Oh well, now to lunch. And remember Kyon you're buying." Haruhi stated returning to her usual happy self.
comma abuse count +1
ECB: Did they say they were hunting for anything?
ECBKuyou: Nope.
ECB: So why would they find anything?
ECBKuyou: They split up and that was it. At least picking on Kyon fills the void in Haruhi's soul.
ECBArakawa: Wouldn't Haruhi usually shout at them for not trying hard enough in this kind of situation?
ECBYoukai: Kyon needs to be reminded, since he so rarely has to buy the meal.
ECB: Hey author, you might want to give a goal to your characters when you want them to react as if they failed that goal?
ECBPax: I think Haruhi was just sad that the temporary marriage wore off. Note that immediately after the Male remarried her, she was happy again.
'What a drag. I almost got out of it.' He thought and then said, "Ok then lead us there." His frown lightens up a little. When the group got to the restaurant, and had ordered their meals. Yuki ordered a cherry lime soda, Kyon ordered a cup of tea, Mikuru ordered a small sandwich, Itsuki ordered nothing, Haruhi ordered a small meal, and Tyler ordered a small sandwich and a drink, and helped pay.
comma abuse count +1
ECBArakawa: Who thought what?
ECBEnglishNazi: So why is only Haruhi's order pointlessly vague?
ECBKuyou: Why is Koizumi acting like a robot? School uniform, doesn't eat....
ECBKuyou: I'm going to guess these weird actions are leading somewhere interesting -- somewhere very compelling.
ECBPax: Compelled to suicide, maybe.
ECBArakawa: Haruhi ordered a small meal. Very descriptive. Why do you waste time describing what she ordered if you're not going to actually... describe what she ordered?
ECBYoukai: Small sandwich isn't much better. Tuna salad? Pastrami? Knuckle?
ECBEnglishNazi: Oh, and don't forget our old friend, tense confusion. And sentence fragments.
ECB: Aww, so Tyler (Gonna kill Haruhi?) is revealing he has a good side by helping pay for the food?
ECBKt3: Tyler is showing off how rich he is. More wish fulfillment.
ECBKuyou: And how kind-hearted, yes.
ECBArakawa: Kind-hearted indeed! I would say patronizing even.
Haruhi stated, after finishing her meal, "Now when we go back out we will switch teammates. New teams are Kyon, Yuki, and Itsuki. The other team is Mikuru, Tyler, and I. Now let's get back out there."
ECBYoukai: That should be "Mikuru, Tyler, and me." If you're not sure whether to use "I" or "me" in a list, take the other things out of the list and see what actually makes sense that way.
ECBArakawa: Oh god. The Male is going to be left alone with Mikuru and Haruhi.
ECBEnglishNazi: Wait. Why is Haruhi now calling Koizumi by his first name?
ECBKuyou: So she arbitrarily just swaps places with Kyon. No draw, no roulette....
ECBKuyou: Come to think of it, why two three-person teams instead of three two-person teams?
ECBArakawa: Why not one two-person team of Haruhi and Tyler, and one four person team? I mean, just to be reeeeaaaaally blatant about where (I suspect) this is going??
ECBKuyou: I'm sure the author will show us that quickly enough.
ECBKuyou: Let's see.
Fifteen minutes later, in a women's clothing store
ECBKuyou: Well, that escalated quickly.
ECBKt3: Oh boy.
ECBEnglishNazi: Fifteen minutes later, in a women's clothing store, what?
ECBPax: Waiting for the Male to finish picking out skirts, I guess?
ECBYoukai: Actually.
ECB: Why is Tyler on team Go Into Women's Clothing Store? Why are any of the guys on that team?
ECBArakawa: Well, that was a random place for them to go.
ECBKuyou: I think that's supposed to be matching the 'timestamps' that were used earlier. Except they're totally inconsistent, so just jarring as all hell.
"Mrs. Suzumiya what are we do here I am pretty sure we won't find anything weird." Tyler stated while following Haruhi and Mikuru, who was being pretty much pulled behind by Haruhi, thorough the store. Although he looked pretty much neutral to this event and the happenings.
comma abuse count +1
ECBKuyou: As I am 'pretty much' not moved by your writing.
ECBPax: What are we do here, indeed.
ECBEnglishNazi: 'Thoroughly' pulled?
ECBHateMachine: You're in a women's clothing store and sure you won't find anything weird.
ECBKuyou: Oh, boy! The author avatar and two girls in a women's clothing store! What could possibly happen!?
ECBKt3: Haruhi: "Well gee, this is only my second day meeting you, and you have all the personality of a rock, but I'd really like to strip down and show you some lingerie!"
ECBPax: Spoiler: they get married.
ECBKt3: That already happened though.
"Silly we are here to look for new outfits for Mikuru to wear." Haruhi stated with a smile on her face before continuing, "And Kyon wasn't going to be any fun to bring here to judge the outfits. Besides I thought all guys liked to see girls wearing semi-sexy to sexy outfits?"
comma abuse count +1
ECBKuyou: I like how Haruhi states that Kyon's no fun and wouldn't enjoy this, directly contradicting the Male's proclamation that Kyon's too much of a pervert for any girl to like. I also like that it's implied that this is the mystery search, but Haruhi throws that away to provide the Male fan-service without hesitation.
ECBKuyou: Color me shocked.
ECBYoukai: I'm all out of shocked.
ECBYoukai: Will depressed work instead?
ECBEnglishNazi: 'semi-sexy to sexy'?
ECBHateMachine: I appreciate how she separates that, yes. There's that all important "semi-sexy" to "demi-sexy" to "mostly-sexy" to just plain "sexy" variation, after all.
ECBKuyou: So, Haruhi thinks Kyon isn't a guy?
ECBPax: Well, he isn't the Male.
ECBKuyou: Too true.
Tyler stopped in his tracks stating, "Normally yes, but only if they are willing to. That is just my opinion though."
ECBHateMachine: See?
ECBPax: "PS: I AM NOT A RAPIST."
ECBHateMachine: He respects women!
ECBEnglishNazi: Ah, he's building up his "good guy" credit. Going to take a bit to make up for the whole "might kill Haruhi" thing.
ECBKuyou: This is probably meant to imply that Kyon is a peeper or something. Which ... okay, if you're bashing, then bash.
ECBYoukai: Is this even bashing, though?
ECBKuyou: No. The author needs to actually show us that Kyon is the bad guy in order for your bashing to even work.
ECBPax: He's a bad guy because he didn't believe the Male until he saw the tattoos.
ECB: Well, I think he's actually being judgmental about Haruhi dressing Mikuru. Even though he's never seen that.
ECBYoukai: You forgot the mind-reading. He's got all of everyone's memories, obviously.
ECBArakawa: This attempt to show that he's better than Kyon comes across as amusingly desperate.
ECB: Because Tyler just arrived yesterday. And it's never happened since he arrived.
ECBKuyou: Well, the author avatar deserves the girls and their affection more than Kyon! Wish fulfillment being what it is.
ECBKuyou: It's technically the second day. Haruhi's talked to him for almost five minutes before this.
Haruhi not listening to Tyler kept walking to the back the store to find what she was looking for. She stated, "Well I am sure that Mikuru is willing to pose for you in these outfits. Right Mikuru?" Haruhi stood Mikuru up, turned her around, and gave her breasts a quick squeeze in front of Tyler. Mikuru looked at Tyler for some form of support. Both girls looked at him for support.
ECBKuyou: So ... why did she ask him?
ECBPax: I need support.
ECBKuyou: Secondly, what kind of support?
ECBKt3: They want him to support Mikuru's breasts. Duh.
ECBArakawa: Haruhi: "Tyler! You'll support my molestation of Mikuru, right?"
ECBKuyou: Are her breasts so big it takes a 3-man team to move them around?
ECBEnglishNazi: And if so, how is she managing it?
ECBYoukai: The comma conservation campaign is obviously not working.
ECBKuyou: Bonus points for Tyler/Conit, author avatar, getting fan-service and pointing out that he's better than Kyon while it happens. And also not doing a thing to help Mikuru.
ECBPax: Well, he's only down with the fan-service if the girl is willing. Which Mikuru usually isn't.
ECBArakawa: He is better than Kyon. Because the girls *want* to give him fan-service.
ECBKuyou: Of course; the Male is present. They automatically want to show themselves off to him.
ECBArakawa: And they want to give him fan-service *because* he is better than Kyon. Logic!
ECB: Mikuru: "Don't feel bad about letting me be publicly molested in the middle of a department store. I won't be ruined for marriage."
ECBArakawa: ... but she's already married!
ECBYoukai: I'd cry 'double standard' here, but the Male is obviously above our puny morality.
ECBHateMachine: "I would NEVER objectify women's big, bouncy, bountiful, sexy breasts! Those luscious orbs, those perky peaks! I'm TOO GOOD FOR THAT."
"I admit defeat, lead on Mrs. Suzumiya." Tyler stated with a faked sad look. Haruhi smiled and lead the group onwards.
comma abuse count +1
ECBEnglishNazi: What happened to his 'opinion' from earlier?
ECBKuyou: This reminds me of an older ECB from long ago. As a shout-out to all the fellow old-timers?
ECBKuyou: "You have argued me to a standstill."
ECBArakawa: Kuyou: at least Skysaber had actual arguments instead of people squeezing boobs at each other.
ECBEnglishNazi: Skysaber stuff is at least interesting the first time.
ECBPax: Step 1: Squeeze boobs. Step 2: VICTORY!
ECBYoukai: "I will remain moral, until you tempt me!"
ECBHateMachine: ...why are we putting lead on Mrs. Suzumiya?
ECBPax: To stop a rape in progress, HateMachine.
ECB: And Mikuru was never heard from again.
ECBKt3: Still, everything sad or frowning is faked. This fic is so positive, no one is actually sad.
ECBKuyou: Most negative emotion: Kyon is bored.
ECBKuyou: Because KYON IS BAD! Not like the Male!
ECBEnglishNazi: Don't forget everyone being 'scared' earlier.
Four o'clock in the afternoon, aboveground metro station
ECBKuyou: The other times were all in numerals. This one's spelled out.
ECBYoukai: And why not PM? You had AM earlier.
ECBKuyou: Internal consistency, you fail it.
ECBArakawa: They spend three hours showing off to Tyler in their lingerie. I think I want to scream.
ECB: 3 hours, 45 minutes actually.
ECBKuyou: The Male just watching Haruhi molest Mikuru for nearly four hours has successfully made this guy creepier and more perverted than Kyon in canon.
ECBKuyou: Author, when you're trying to bash Kyon, don't make another character show up that's significantly worse, because you're so far bashing your own new character far more than Kyon!
"So did you guys find anything on your walk?" Haruhi inquired with a smile.
ECB: Because she's carrying bags of clothes as Mikuru cries quietly in the background. A broken girl, posed for four hours in various forms of undress in public.
ECBKuyou: Ah, but now Haruhi is happy instead of disappointed. Why could this be? Of course! Because she just spent her patrol with the Male!
ECBYoukai: Because Haruhi is always so cheerful and pleasant when she's looking for results.
ECBArakawa: Remember, nondescript people are sexy!
ECBHateMachine: Is "patrol" meant to be a euphemism here?
ECBYoukai: I DEMAND that this train of thought stop before leaving the station. Even HateMachine doesn't want to go there.
"No we didn't find anything Haruhi." Kyon stated with a bored expression.
comma abuse count +1
ECB: Kyon has other expressions? He's been bored every time he's said something this fic.
ECBEnglishNazi: They didn't find anything Haruhi? So what does something Haruhi look like? And why is Haruhi now an adjective?
ECBPax: Because she was modeling lingerie for the Male, of course they wouldn't find her.
ECBKuyou: He said something coldly once. Kyon sees where this fic is going. He's right to not like it.
ECBYoukai: I just wish I could be bored. It'd be an improvement.
ECB: "We didn't think to look in the women's changing room for you, because I wasn't a pervert. Like Tyler."
ECBPax: I like the idea that Kyon knows what's going on here on a meta level and is just suffering through it.
ECBEnglishNazi: Kyon, train of thought: "OH GOD I CAN'T SPEAK WITH ANY COMMAS."
"Ok then we are dismissed for the day. Tyler I wish to speak with you. Could you stay behind for a moment?" Haruhi asked Tyler.
ECBKt3: Tags: Romance
ECBKt3: Haruhi: "Tyler, I just want to let you know that blah blah blah feelings heart stuff i lub u"
ECB: Author, I wish to speak with you. I got a grudge about just how many commas you got going? They are angry about how little a part they have in this story.
ECBKuyou: Why is Haruhi asking instead of ordering? Or is it her role to always be subservient to the Male?
"Oh now you are in trouble." Kyon stated before leaving. The rest of the group shortly followed afterwards.
ECBKuyou: I ... what?
ECBKt3: Ooooooh Tyler's iiiin trooooouble.
ECBArakawa: Yes, he is indeed in trouble. Kyon just called in the ECB.
ECB: Well, damn. I didn't know that was where the request came from.
ECBYoukai: Seemed fair. He's been the most sympathetic character in the entire fic so far.
ECBArakawa: I mean, that's what *I* would do if a blatant author avatar walked into my life. I'd either call the ECB or the cops.
ECB: So everyone just spontaneously left the scene? Just like that?
ECBEnglishNazi: 'shortly followed afterwards'—I'm envisioning the rest of the group either hunched over or spontaneously shrunken for the duration of their movement.
Writer's notice
I am sorry I can't say Author's Note. So did you people like my characters that were added in. I thought also a little love can go a long way. Now as for this chapter, I am truly sorry it was a little slow but I was mad because I, the writer, had to do an introduction chapter. The ranks also may be a little mixed up, but I thought it would be funny, different area different rank order. As for where they came from it was a hard thing to describe so I went with a different dimension and I also made it nearly three thousand years more advance. To the point of superpowers of our mind being real, and the war torn bit was a drastic measure I added in to help explain the probes Next Chapter more people, more action, and more humorous content as well as more explaination. I promise all of that. Next time Haruhi Suzumiya: SOS Brigade's Greatest ActorConversations and Confrontations, and review please this is only the first chapter and the beginning.
ECBYoukai: You can't say author's note? I'm not sure you're even entitled to use writer's note.
ECBArakawa: Because this way he can delude himself that he doesn't have two rambling Author's Notes in a pathetically short chapter?
ECBHateMachine: So... we're being probed because of war.
ECB: Well, to be straightforward? No. No I didn't like your characters. Also, I don't understand why you'd be mad at all?
ECBKuyou: You were ... MAD you had to do an introduction chapter?
ECBArakawa: Time spent introducing the situation is time not spent on wish fulfillment, you see. That's why he's mad.
ECBEnglishNazi: Wait, different area different rank order? What? So that's why the 'Master Segeant' was sir-ing the 'Corporal' earlier!
ECBEnglishNazi: So wait. Did this alternate dimension evolve to be just like ours in every way, including languages, except for the words 'Master Segeant' and 'Corporal', which are switched? And why isn't this mentioned in the actual story?
ECBHateMachine: Wouldn't there need to BE a story first?
ECBEnglishNazi: Or do you just think it's a good thing when your readers can't follow along?
ECBYoukai: Let's start from the beginning.
ECBYoukai: First: You're right that you're certainly no author, but I'd hesitate to even call this writing.
ECBYoukai: Second: A little love goes a long way, huh? I guess so, it would explain all the marriages.
ECBYoukai: Third: You're mad at having to write an introduction? What, we should just automatically know everything about your story without you having to write it?
ECBYoukai: ...actually, that might be useful, I wouldn't have had to read it. But I'd still know about it. Damn.
ECBKt3: Long story short, we got probed but it's gone because of Haruhi. Haruhi might be killed by an Italian alien, who she spent 3 hours modeling lingerie for.
ECB: Also, Mikuru is ruined for marriage forever. But that's okay... Because Tyler is a Good Boy.
ECBArakawa: More people - that we won't bother to describe.
ECBArakawa: More humorous content -- much like the one in this chapter.
ECBArakawa: Um... there was humorous content in this chapter?
ECBKt3: Okay, my question is... who was SOS Brigade's Greatest Actor? Because right now that's looking like Kyon.
ECBKuyou: As an introductory chapter, this introduces us to the idea that the author doesn't really care for the original cast and is absorbed with his pathetic and creepily shallow 'oh-so-cool' new characters -- who we couldn't really care about. I could go further, but I'll hold off here until we finish the entire story to summarize everything that's wrong with this picture.
ECBKuyou: Hell, maybe he'll even manage to redeem this thing!
ECBKuyou: (I'm not holding my breath.)