ECBKuyou: Last time, we reviewed chapter one of 'SOS Brigade's Greastest Actor'.
ECBKuyou: We continue with the second chapter of that epic saga. A little something we refer to as 'the ECB takes on Creepy Wish Fulfillment Author'.
Chapter 2: Conversations and Confrontations
In this chapter the love begins, and there some action. I like surprises I hope you do as well Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter. As promised more action, characters, and more information. Also I will reveal some distrustive characters, and some arguments. Side note I do not own the matrix style moves
ECBKuyou: Somehow, I didn't make the assumption you owned any intellectual property at all, actually.
ECBEnglishNazi: 'Distrustive'? Does he mean distrustful, or untrustworthy, or...?
ECBHateMachine: "matrix style"? There's an entire style, now?
ECBYoukai: I thought the Matrix thing was mostly related to camera technique. Given this guy's descriptive abilities, I can't imagine it'll matter at all here. Also, I think you got 'love' mixed up with 'hate' there.
Disclaimer: I do not own Haruhi Suzumiya series, or the adjacent character. I only own the story and my characters.
ECBKuyou: I think there's a profound irony that 'the adjacent character' is a comma. Because you sure aren't infringing on that.
ECBEnglishNazi: Who is it you're referring to here? The ANC you've placed 'adjacent' to the Brigade?
ECBKt3: The guy standing next to the Haruhi light novel stack?
"What is Mrs. Suzumiya, did I do something wrong?" Tyler asked with a little concern for being discovered as an agent to her.
ECBKt3: That's why they call it... the masquerade!
ECBEnglishNazi: Of all the possible ways to express the sentiments meant in this line, I think you've come across the least literate-sounding.
ECBEnglishNazi: 'an agent to her'? Is he working for Haruhi now? Rather than Nyancat five (The five Is Lowercase)?
ECBKt3: He's an agent of literary destruction.
ECBKuyou: Probably meant 'by' instead of 'to'.
ECBYoukai: I'd like to know what this "Mrs. Suzumiya" is. Certainly doesn't look like any character I'm familiar with.
ECBKuyou: If you do not have one, you clearly need a pre-reader to point out when you screw up and omit entire words, as you do frequently. A pre-reader could also help point out other flaws, such as you omitting any sort of plot, thus saving you the embarrassment of it coming up once posted.
"Well I just want to know one thing." Haruhi stated looking away from him, and fearing his answer.
ECBEnglishNazi: Here's the Attack of the Quote-Terminating Periods again. And whose POV are we using here?
ECBEnglishNazi: Haruhi's? Or the Male's?
ECBYoukai: Could be either! After all, the Male is a mind-reader. He'd obviously know if Haruhi's afraid.
ECBKt3: Haruhi: "Tyler, I just want to know. Why do you scare my face? Why are all my frowns fake?"
"What is that Haruhi?" He asked becoming increasingly worried. He was almost to the point of sweat worrying.
ECBEnglishNazi: 'That Haruhi' is a cardboard cutout that you've set up in replacement for a real character.
ECBKuyou: Why can't this guy be consistent? One minute it's 'Mrs.' and the next it's 'first-name-basis'. He did it to Mikuru last chapter, too.
ECBYoukai: He obviously can't tell what the author's talking about, either. Which is sad, given that he's the author avatar.
ECBKuyou: And how does this guy make his sweat worry?
ECBYoukai: It's another superpower.
ECBKuyou: Or he's got mind-control.
"What I wanted to know is do you . . . like me?" She asked with a small blush touching her cheeks.
ECBKuyou: This line prompted a moment of silence from the ECB. Silence except for the sounds of us throwing up, at least.
ECBYoukai: No. Just no.
ECBEnglishNazi: Those hatred forms from earlier? I think I want one.
ECBYoukai: There's a line.
ECBKuyou: I notice that Haruhi and the ANC are both divinity, because 'he' and 'she' are capitalized where they shouldn't be.
ECBKt3: It makes sense for Haruhi though, right?
ECBEnglishNazi: And the ANC is the Avatar. Of course he's a god.
ECBYoukai: When has Haruhi -ever- acted dere-dere like this?
ECBEnglishNazi: Never?
ECBKuyou: But this confirms the mind-control hypothesis.
He face-palmed mentally for worrying so hard and nearly fainted at the question. Once he regained his composure Tyler replied, "Well . . . um . . . that was not what I expected form you. You are always so happy and excited, no matter what is thrown at you, and well a fun person to be around. So yes I do."
ECBKuyou: Haruhi accidentally grabbed a love form when looking for a hatred form?
ECBYoukai: Always so happy and excited. Really? There's a reason the series is called "The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi".
ECBEnglishNazi: He nearly fainted at that? What kind of constitution does the guy have?
ECBKt3: I sure do enjoy awkward teenage fumbling. It reminds me of all the great times in life that... wait, no it doesn't. It brings to mind all of the wonderful romance stories I've read that... okay, wait, it doesn't do that either.
ECBKt3: Awkward teenage fumbling gives me such an in-depth view on the immaturity of the character and really deepens the connection and understanding I have of... okay that's a no-go as well.
ECBKuyou: Let us remind everyone of two critical factors, here.
ECBKuyou: One: Haruhi has known this guy for a day. She's talked to him for about 5 minutes, and then spent nearly 4 hours modeling lingerie/molesting Mikuru for his viewing pleasure. He's known her that same length of time.
ECBYoukai: And Mikuru didn't even bother to whimper about it, as I recall. But go on.
ECBKuyou: Two: The author was MAD that he had to write the last chapter, according to his author's notes. Which means logically ... this is where he wanted his story to begin.
ECBEnglishNazi: Well, there might have been off-screen interaction. Because of course you should put your critical character relationship development off-screen!
ECBEnglishNazi: "Just trust me, guys, it totally makes sense because they talked for a long time in the lingerie store last chapter!"
ECBKuyou: EnglishNazi is using a device we call 'sarcasm.' This is a clever way to say, 'what you are doing is called bad writing.'
"No I am sorry. I meant . . . meant like, like me." She said in a shy, meager voice, and taking a seat on a nearby park bench.
ECBEnglishNazi: A meager voice? Do you know what that word means?
ECBKuyou: Probably meant 'meek' voice.
ECBYoukai: Shy? Haruhi?
ECBKuyou: So he brainwashed Haruhi.
ECBYoukai: Yeah we're looking at either brainwashing or brain damage, and I haven't seen any kind of head trauma taking place.
ECBYoukai: Maybe at the lingerie store? I'd probably try to beat myself to death with a clothes rack if I was stuck in a store with this guy for four hours.
ECBKt3: 4 hours of modeling? Hardly. 1 hour tops, and then 3 hours of brain reconstruction.
ECBEnglishNazi: Add one to the list of the Male's powers?
ECBKuyou: Because that's so totally in Haruhi's character, even according to the Male's description of her one line earlier.
ECBEnglishNazi: We also have random tense switches in the middle of the sentence. Seems kind of minor compared to, you know, the rest of the sentence, but you should note it.
ECBYoukai: Also, something that seems odd to me. This guy mentioned that he might have to kill Haruhi to everyone else in the last chapter... and so they all just blithely walk off and leave her alone with him?
ECBKt3: I'd like to ask... are they *still* at the 'aboveground metro station'?
ECBKuyou: As far as the author has bothered to tell us, yes, they are. Why they have park benches in the metro station is anyone's guess. The story never has description in the right place for us to really understand what's happening.
"Oh you mean that. What is your take first? Do you like, like me." Tyler asked seating down next to Haruhi on a park bench.
ECBKt3: What is your what now?
ECBEnglishNazi: Okay. Definite vs. indefinite articles, 30-second version. That's not how you do it.
ECBEnglishNazi: If you're referring to a thing with a referent, use a definite article.
ECBEnglishNazi: That's 'the', in this context. 'THE park bench'.
ECBKuyou: Also, comma abuse. Which is really secondary compared to what you're doing with the characters.
ECBYoukai: "Oh hey. The mysterious power source that we were tracking (for some still-unknown reason) just attempted to confess to me. Eh, happens every other week."
ECBYoukai: Not that I want to -encourage- this abortion of a relationship to go any further, but seriously, the lack of emotion would be off-putting even if the content wasn't.
ECBKuyou: Is it supposed to be cute and flirting? Because I'm getting a sense of, "Fuck you; confess first, bitch!" from his commentary and general indifference.
"When I saw you at the school grounds on my way to the clubroom. I thought you had a mystery for me. When I away for a second time you were gone and I looked around the crowd for you. I could not find you. So you were the mystery. But I wanted to find because . . . because." Haruhi said before breaking down in tears.
ECBEnglishNazi: You wanted to find 'because'? In a dictionary, perhaps?
ECBYoukai: Yyyyeah, definitely brain damage. I've never seen Haruhi cry before, either.
ECBKuyou: So, Haruhi weeps over the realization that this guy mind-raped her to turn her into a drooling fan-girl. And there's nothing she can do about it.
ECBKuyou: You know, that's the most touching scene in the story so far?
ECBYoukai: Touche.
ECBKuyou: It's a surprisingly compelling drama/horror and-- Wait, what? This is tagged romance?
ECBYoukai: I find myself hoping that he has to kill her now. More merciful than where I expect things are really going to go.
"Why did you want to find me?" He asked her pulling Haruhi in closer to try to cheer her up. The hugs worked, and her cries slowed down to a sob.
ECBYoukai: I'll just be outside, throwing up about... something else.
ECBKuyou: How is he pulling her closer if they were never described as close in the first place? Your description back there implied that Haruhi sat on one park bench, and he sat on another (instead of 'the' to imply the same bench).
ECBKuyou: How the hell long are his arms?
ECBYoukai: Superpowers! He's also Plastic Man.
ECBKuyou: Why isn't she freaking out about it? Ah, right. The mind-rape.
ECBKuyou: And the Male is still divinity, because 'he' is capitalized where it normally would not be.
ECBKt3: Now I have this really disturbing image of Ulti-male using his stretchy, long fingers to carefully poke through Haruhi's brain.
ECBKuyou: That image is somehow more pleasant than what the fic actually evokes.
Haruhi continued, looking up into his eyes, "Because I love you and never want to leave you side."
ECBKuyou: Yep. Mind-control.
ECBYoukai: Can we get more information about this guy's enemies yet? I'm really interested in any life membership plans they've got available.
ECBKuyou: Note: You are failing to make your character 'likable' to anyone but you.
ECBKt3: Well, now Tyler Durden has accomplished his goal of attaching said mysterious energy or whatnot to his side permanently.
ECBKuyou: Generally, author, you want to make your characters interesting, not just so blatantly Marty Stu that no one cares -- or worse, prompts them to actively hate your character. If we could, we would cast this creepy space-psycho into the fires of Mt. Doom.
Tyler looked a little surprised at the comment. For once he didn't know what to do. His orders were crystal clear to talk to her, but they didn't say anything about dating. He replied, "Haruhi Suzumiya I have two questions for you. First what is your class schedule? And second, do you want to be my girlfriend? Because I would love it if you were."
ECBEnglishNazi: These are a stupid two questions.
ECBHateMachine: Well, mind reading doesn't extend to knowing her schedule, too.
ECBKuyou: This spy is terrible. He doesn't know her schedule? It's Japan. Every student in her classroom shares that schedule; he could have asked any of them!
ECBYoukai: The only information he'd need is her class number.
ECBKuyou: More importantly, since Japanese students stay in a single classroom the entire school day (outside of P.E.), what does he even need it for?
Her expression turned from sadness to pure happiness as she hugged him. She said, "Of course I will be. Thank you, thank you. I can get you my schedule by tomorrow."
ECBYoukai: Brain damage is so sad. Even -she- doesn't know her schedule now.
ECBKuyou: Because Haruhi cannot stand life without being at the side of this guy she's known less than a day.
ECBKt3: You know, since the author's just blandly Americanizing Haruhi's school, I'm fully expecting locker meet-ups between classes with and without bullies, hand holding walks between classes, and... something else.
ECBHateMachine: You just wait. This'll end with them locked in a PE shed, tenderly exploring their feelings... and bodies.
ECBKt3: No, because that's too Japanese.
ECBKuyou: But it is about the level of disgusting self-gratification we expect from this quality of writing.
"Good because I hope we can catch a movie tomorrow as a date. Along with dinner as well." He asked/replied to her hugging her back.
ECBEnglishNazi: Asked or replied?
ECBKt3: Conditional or?
ECBYoukai: I thought he was already hugging her.
ECBKuyou: From a remote park bench, yeah.
ECBHateMachine: Well, now he's hugging her back. Obviously, he felt her spine needed the hug more than anything else.
"Of course where should we meet?" Haruhi asked him.
ECBKuyou: I know the opening chapter mentioned that Haruhi was 'mildly OOC'.
ECBYoukai: This is mildly OOC the way the surface of the sun is mildly warm.
ECBKuyou: Haruhi's utterly docile and subservient to this guy.
ECBHateMachine: I'd hate to see "wildly OOC" at this point. I assume it would involve her sitting in furs around a fire, extolling what is best in life.
ECBEnglishNazi: No, wait. That's still not as far from canon as this is.
ECBKuyou: What next, she asks for permission to give him a back-rub and make him cookies? Before he gently, kindly, reminds her that she belongs in the kitchen, barefoot, and shouldn't need to worry about 'thinking' anymore?
ECBKuyou: Or anything at all, really.
ECBHateMachine: Also, forgot a comma there.
ECBHateMachine: I'm reduced to focusing on that, because anything else makes my brain hurt like a million tiny miners are all in there with pickaxes, trying to burrow through it.
ECBYoukai: Commas comes in colors of many!
"How about my place I can cook the meal, and say be there at five thirty?" He replied with smile on his face.
ECBEnglishNazi: "Be there at five thirty," Haruhi responded obediently.
ECBEnglishNazi: He's still a god, I see.
ECBHateMachine: "Trust me, I won't slip anything into the food!"
ECBYoukai: He doesn't need to. She's already -been- mind-raped. What more could he do with drugs?
ECBKuyou: I think that dialogue was three sentences. "How about my place? I can cook the meal? Does five-thirty sound reasonable?" he asked with a smile.
ECBKuyou: Yeah, the real Haruhi left the fic, hopefully escaping with Kyon and the others.
ECBYoukai: I'm not sure the real Haruhi was ever -in- the fic. Nothing in the first chapter looked like her either.
ECBKuyou: Good point.
ECBHateMachine: I think Kyon's still here, driven by some kind of morbid curiosity.
ECBKuyou: Nah, Kyon ran off and called us in.
ECBEnglishNazi: At this point I'd be more satisfied to bring in the PPC. But this works too.
"See you then!" she replied with a smile. Jumping up off the bench Tyler handed her pieces of paper with his address and telephone number on it. They went their separate ways for the night.
ECBEnglishNazi: Pieces of paper with his address and telephone number on it? You can't even make your pronouns agree.
ECBKuyou: Conit: "I'm an ALIEN SUPER-SPY. Have the directions to my SECRET HIDEOUT and my contact information. I carry them around with me at ALL TIMES."
ECBHateMachine: Her smile said that. Not her mouth or tongue or throat, but JUST the smile.
ECBHateMachine: It's five o'clock, right? Somewhere?
With Tyler (Conit) at the rented house with the other agents
ECBYoukai: Because one stupid name is not enough!
ECBHateMachine: Eventually, we'll find out he's got a nickname.
ECBKt3: If that was a bet, I wouldn't take it.
ECBKuyou: Let's spend a moment to bask in this eloquent description. It tells us so much!
ECBKt3: The other agents? We only met one other.
ECBHateMachine: Okay, when you have to remind your reader (I'll be generous) about who the guy actually is....
ECBKuyou: Perhaps we will be lucky enough to meet a whole slew of characters just as annoying as the Space Psycho!
"Conit you broke the orders by asking her out." Nolt Buler (Nate Zimmerman) said for the fifth time that night. He is a small, lightly tanned, brown hair, blue eyed man.
ECBAceAttourney: OBJECTION!
ECBAceAttourney: You just contradicted your own fic! There were no orders pertaining to dating Haruhi! And now this guy is claiming that orders were broken?
ECBHateMachine: ...did we just get more of a description from an ANC than we did from the actual CAST?
ECBYoukai: Nah, we have to show that the Male Scumbag is edgy and willing to defy authority for his Twoo Luv.
ECBEnglishNazi: And also establish that Authority is an asshole.
ECBKt3: He is definitely the worst spy, and the worst soldier, I think I've ever seen.
ECBYoukai: Fight the man! Actually, if we can change that to Fight the Male I'm totally on board.
ECBKuyou: I'm champing at the bit to join that rebellion. I think the real Haruhi might be in line in front of us.
"Quiet Nolt nobody wants to hear it. We know our orders, and they say for Conit to mingle with her while you observe from the sidelines." Versa Hins (Veronica Mada) said in complete hatred of the rule thumper. 'Or is he a rule humper,' She thought. Versa is a tall, black hair, green eyed woman with no tan. She continued, "And you know what happens to traitors. So don't try anything funny."
ECBKuyou: I have no idea what's going on here.
ECBYoukai: Rule... humper? You know, these sorts of fics do usually end up in the gutter, but the ANC is usually humping the cast.
ECBHateMachine: I'm going to assume traitors are.... shot?
ECBKuyou: Also: Well-formed team, since they openly hate one-another.
ECBKt3: Tons of professionalism too.
ECBHateMachine: Well, like any well-oiled machine, you have to have one or two parts that actively try to destroy the machine, you see. It's obvious you've never been an engine designer.
ECBEnglishNazi: If there are enough traitors, could they win the fight and then have the Male executed for the crime of his existence?
ECBKuyou: Why do we care that all of these characters have two sets of full names? How do you, author, expect us to tell them apart and keep track of them?
ECBKt3: Maybe by not having them...?
ECBKuyou: ...or do you not anticipate readers and wrote this only for yourself?
ECBYoukai: Look, if you really want to write bad wish-fulfillment fantasy fiction, that's your call. Just KEEP IT TO YOURSELF if you do.
ECBEnglishNazi: And don't steal our characters for it.
ECBKuyou: Or things like this ECB will happen. Your fic is really something that shouldn't be shared.
Daniel Bolt (Alexander Ceal) is a large buff man with a deep tan, and brown hair and eyes. Daniel is, without a doubt, the tallest of the group at six foot five. He states, "You know what Nolt? I think you're a little jealous of Conit. When was the last time you had a girlfriend or a girl friend. And the two seating at the table do not count for they are comrades."
ECBKt3: We already met Aledaniel or whatever his dumb face was. You don't need to reintroduce him like they're suddenly starring in an action show.
ECBHateMachine: You know. I've got to comment seriously here for a second. When you're going undercover, the usual thing is to pick fake names somewhat CLOSE to your real ones.
ECBHateMachine: So you can respond to them if they're called, instead of just standing there like a cow hit by a baseball bat.
ECBYoukai: Well, he's right about them not being friends. This squad of 'agents' appears to be some sort of anti-nakama.
"Thank you Daniel." Bethany Foris (Ashley Stone) said. She is the smallest of the group standing at five foot six. She has blonde hair, a small natural tan, and green eyes.
ECBEnglishNazi: Smallest. So she's lighter than the Male, apparently.
ECBHateMachine: She's five six, but only twenty-two pounds, you see. Also, does anyone know the canon heights of the cast?
ECBYoukai: Koizumi's the tallest around 5'7" or 5'8", Haruhi's something like 5'3", Yuki and Mikuru are close to 5' even.
ECBHateMachine: Great way to pick your undercover agents, people. Aim for the ones you can pick out from across a crowded park!
ECBYoukai: But see, knowing this would require a little something called "research". It's an amazing practice. Helps you avoid -all kinds- of stupid mistakes!
"Fine, but if he screws things up I kill him and Haruhi Suzumiya. Dinner was wonderful. Now excuse me I have reports to write." Nate said before storming off.
ECBKuyou: Evidently the Nyancat culture includes constantly reminding people that you're willing to kill people they care about.
ECBHateMachine: "I'm going to kill you both! Thank you for the lovely meal!" I've got to start ending dates like that.
ECBEnglishNazi: I'm honestly pretty much rooting for Nate/Nolt/Note/whatever-his-name-is here. Get rid of the Male, and put not-Haruhi out of her misery.
"If his father wasn't a council member and one of our higher ups he would have been dead three times." Versa stated with pure resentment.
ECBEnglishNazi: Dead three times?
ECBKuyou: This is just not making sense. It's so bad it's getting hard to really pick out the grammar flaws.
ECBHateMachine: Seriously, has no one every heard of "friendly fire incidents" or "accidents in the field"?
ECBHateMachine: I know they mean "superior officers", but I choose to interpret it as "pothead". Because I'm pretty sure you'd have to be high as a kite on a windy day to send THESE PEOPLE on an undercover mission.
ECBKt3: The nepotism is really not that bad, when you take a look at the people who made the squad under their own "abilities".
"Versa you must remain calm or you will overload your powers again."Bethany stated.
ECBKuyou: Reminder: Women are not as cool as men. They have unstable powers and don't count as people.
ECBKuyou: Thanks, author.
ECBHateMachine: Women don't count as people. Of course. It all makes sense now.
ECBYoukai: Not-Haruhi certainly doesn't seem to be one. Blow-up doll is about her speed.
ECBKuyou: And un-whimpering-while-being-molested-Mikuru seemed to get it, too.
ECBHateMachine: Hold on, I have to tell a few random women this, so they'll understand. "I'm not saying they're BAD PEOPLE... I'm saying they're NOT PEOPLE."
"I don't want that to happen I still have my scare from that episode." Daniel said ready to duck under the table.
ECBEnglishNazi: Does he mean 'scare' or 'scar'? Because the latter makes a lot more sense, honestly.
ECBYoukai: Well, it does go back to Haruhi's face being scared with a frown.
ECBKuyou: And the comma thing.
ECBHateMachine: I think we've all become numb to the comma thing.
ECBKuyou: And most of the other terrible grammar. This fic has a great number of flaws; our entire team literally cannot keep track of them all.
ECBHateMachine: At this point, we'd all welcome missing and abused commas as the worst thing.
The rest of the night went eventless as to prove the point of calmness.
ECBYoukai: Eventless?
ECBKt3: I don't even understand what's going on.
ECBHateMachine: Man, I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and SHIT a better sentence than that!
ECBYoukai: How about "The rest of the night was uneventful and calm."
ECBYoukai: Better yet? NOTHING AT ALL.
ECBYoukai: Just move on to the next scene, don't waste verbiage on telling us nothing happened.
ECBYoukai: Even better than that, don't waste verbiage telling us anything at all!
Meanwhile with Haruhi
ECBEnglishNazi: So Haruhi's hanging out with some person called Meanwhile, as well as Dismissed?
ECBKuyou: You really need to be consistent about your transitions.
"Why did he hesitate so much to my question?" She asked herself while lying on her bed still wearing her clothes form that day. This is a yellow blouse with a denim skirt, and white socks. She stayed there until she was called down for dinner, to which she got up lazily to attend and eat.
ECBHateMachine: Wait.
ECBKuyou: Wasn't she wearing flip-flops before? How did that work with socks?
ECBHateMachine: It horrifies me to remember this, but wasn't she wearing a green skirt earlier?
ECBKuyou: Yes.
ECBEnglishNazi: It's a green denim skirt. Never seen one of those in my life, but apparently it is.
ECBKt3: This just in: You can safely replace "Haruhi" with any generic female name and no one will notice the difference.
ECBHateMachine: Also, you'll notice that her clothes formed that day. She didn't put them on, they just kinda grew as she went, I guess.
ECBEnglishNazi: Here I was thinking she had to fill out a clothes form. To go with the love and hatred forms.
ECBHateMachine: This fic has a lot of paperwork in it.
When she sat down her aunt asked her, "Is everything ok darling?"
ECBYoukai: Her aunt? Since when does Haruhi live with her aunt?
ECBYoukai: Hell, if you're going by the anime/manga, do we know anything about her family?
ECBKuyou: So, we never see Haruhi's parents -- or hear about them -- in the anime.
ECBKuyou: That being said, I feel the author is trying to say, "Poor little Haruhi lost her parents and has only her aunt. If only the Male could rescue her from that sad, lonely life!"
ECBHateMachine: Because that's the most clichéd thing possible.
ECBEnglishNazi: I don't think this guy is actually smart enough to use clichés.
ECBKt3: I'm just going to mentally replace Haruhi's name with "Jane Doe". Everything will make a lot more sense.
ECBYoukai: No it won't. You're still dealing with the horrific grammar.
ECBKt3: I didn't say it'd make perfect sense, just that it'd make more sense.
Haruhi replied, with a smile, "Everything is just fine. I am just a little confused about something."
ECBHateMachine: Like where your ability to use contractions went?
ECBYoukai: I'd be confused too with that degree of brain damage.
ECBKuyou: Poor mind-raped Haruhi. Trying to break free of Tyler's control.
ECBHateMachine: Well, I'm honestly proud of her. After what The Male has done to her brain already, she's coping as best she can.
"What is it that you confused about? I can probably help you." The aunt asked worried.
ECBKuyou: Who is this 'worried' character, now? Did you mean 'worriedly'?
ECBHateMachine: Worried (Nervous) is the fifth secret operative.
ECBEnglishNazi: So wait. Haruhi made someone confused? And the aunt is asking her what about?
ECBYoukai: Whoever they are, they're the one confusing Haruhi, apparently.
ECBKt3: Haruhi: "Auntie I'm confused! I'm just a poor ol' helpless belle who doesn't understand the male gender or her own feelings!"
ECBHateMachine: It should be, "What are you confused about?", but who cares at this point?
"Well I met this boy at school yesterday and well I asked him today if he liked, no loved, me and he hesitated to answer my question." Haruhi said while looking down at her plate. After that she looked up and asked,"What does that mean?"
ECBKt3: It means you're a clingy, crazy bitch.
ECBYoukai: Speaking perfectly seriously? It would mean that he's a typical teenage guy.
ECBEnglishNazi: Aunt: "Okay, we're going to have to bring in some help here. Just sit there while I call 911, and hopefully they can reverse some of the brain damage."
ECBKuyou: Haruhi: "His hesitation crushed my self-image and confidence! I know I tore through three plus years as an unstoppable, elemental force, but now that I'm brain-damaged, I just can't keep it together!"
ECBYoukai: If some random girl came up and asked me if I loved her after I'd spent about ten minutes talking to her, I'd be pretty tongue-tied too.
ECBKuyou: Well, it was after spending the better part of four hours molesting another girl for his entertainment.
ECBHateMachine: Oh, that molestation was for EVERYONE'S entertainment. It's just that no one was entertained. At all.
ECBKuyou: Yeah, the only person who wouldn't have appreciated it was Kyon.
ECBKt3: "Kyon doesn't appreciate the finer things in life, like boobs. That's why I, the Author, have created this fine story."
ECBHateMachine: Well, he's still sane, which is just going to hinder him from this point on.
"Well that could mean two things. One he could have thought about it for a minute. Or two, he is scared of you. All depends on what he said afterwards. So what did he say?" She asked being a little nosey.
ECBYoukai: And it's 'nosy'.
ECBKuyou: Nosy? Haruhi's got an issue and is bringing it to her aunt -- how is this nosy or prying?
ECBHateMachine: How DARE an adult show concern or caring!
ECBEnglishNazi: I think she's actually not being nosy, she's asking the question of a small nose.
ECBHateMachine: Have you never read or seen anything involving teen-aged hi-jinx? The best you should write adults as is a benign negligence! It's even better if they're openly antagonistic!
ECBHateMachine: You have to have something for The Male to save her from, dammit!
"He said that he loved me and asked me out to movie tomorrow and dinner at his place." Haruhi said with a huge smile on her face that would frighten most people.
ECBKt3: Hah. Her face would frighten most people.
ECBYoukai: Good thing the Male is taking the hit for humanity and dating her, then.
ECBKt3: Haruhi, the eldritch horror.
ECBKuyou: What exactly does this description add to the story? Because my takeaway is 'absolutely nothing'.
"Haruhi darling that is wonderful I want to meet him. Tell me everything you know about him. To see you with a boyfriend this early in the school is good hope for you." The thirty five year old aunt said with joy and happiness.
ECBEnglishNazi: Well, that's...a bit creepy.
ECBKuyou: Was she this thrilled when Haruhi was accepting anyone who asked her out over the previous three years?
ECBKuyou: Is she vicariously living through Haruhi, and glad to be free of that 'dry spell' of, evidently, a few months?
ECBYoukai: Everything she knows about him? That ought to take about two minutes. "He's a transfer student from Italy, he goes to my school, and he likes it when I make Mikuru model lingerie for him."
ECBKuyou: "That's wonderful! That Kyon boy never enjoyed her being molested like that, did he?"
ECBKt3: I'd like to point out that her aunt is really clichéd and bland. And I'm hungry.
ECBHateMachine: The only reason to include the aunt's age is to show how she's supposed to be a dried up old hag.
ECBKt3: Thirty five is dried up?
ECBHateMachine: Because EVERYONE knows that if you're not married by 18, you're worthless and will never know love, obviously.
ECBKuyou: 'thirty five' is all the description we get of the aunt.
ECBHateMachine: Also, I'm going to assume from this point on that any female mentioned in the fic has already been gotten to by The Male and is completely brain damaged, the poor dears.
For the rest of dinner Haruhi and her aunt talked about Tyler and the next day.
ECBEnglishNazi: Another usage of the "tell us something happened but don't go into any detail as to what" technique.
ECBKuyou: Maybe 'coming day' instead of 'next day'? That really is hard to read.
ECBHateMachine: Wait, did they talk about The Male for the rest of the night AND the next day or did they talk about The Male AND the next day?
ECBYoukai: I already covered everything she knows about him, and it took her an entire meal to go over all of it?
ECBHateMachine: Brain damage, remember?
ECBKuyou: They can forget the details and have to bring them up again. It's the only explanation.
Sunday, the rented house, 5:30 pm
ECBKuyou: What, you can't even be consistent about putting the time stamps in front of these little transitions?
ECBKuyou: Though, being serious for a moment. The 'brain damage' thing we joke about is because the author needs to make all of the characters less intelligent than him (and his avatar) or else his 'brilliance' can't shine in comparison.
ECBHateMachine: That's... pretty sad.
ECBKt3: Can't write Haruhi well enough? Make her brain-dead!
ECBKuyou: An easy fix for a terrible author.
ECBYoukai: The problem is that even the author avatar Fails at Logic, so to anyone with an ounce of critical thinking he comes across as equally stupid.
ECBHateMachine: If you only chase people stupider than you....
ECBKuyou: If you can't be clever, make everyone else less intelligent.
ECBYoukai: Except Kyon, at least so far. Everything he's done has made sense.
Haruhi rang the doorbell to the house. Her aunt was standing right behind her. Over the speaker a voice said/asked, "Hello. What do you want?"
ECBEnglishNazi: Said or asked? This really isn't that hard.
ECBYoukai: A teenage girl bringing her aunt along for a date. Right. Maybe you were on to something with that whole 'living vicariously through Haruhi'.
ECBKuyou: The aunt coming along should probably make sense, due to how creepy/strange the entire thing is.
ECBEnglishNazi: But it doesn't, because the aunt herself is a significant part of the creepy strangeness.
Haruhi answers, "I am Haruhi Suzumiya here to eat dinner with Tyler Ensis. My aunt, Ákì Suzumiya, is here with me as well."
ECBEnglishNazi: Never mind that romanized Japanese DOESN'T USE THOSE ACCENTS.
ECBYoukai: Or any accents at all.
ECBEnglishNazi: You just have to make the characters' names exotic.
ECBKuyou: When you try too hard to be clever, you are not clever.
ECBHateMachine: Well, this fic has really driven it home, then.
ECBKuyou: This also ties into the extra names thing, but whatever. If you can't write well, use random special characters and accents, I guess.
The voice replied, "Someone will be there in a moment to get you." Not a second after the voice ended his statement the door opened up to three story house.
ECBKuyou: 'his' statement or 'the' statement?
ECBHateMachine: So.... the house is inside the door?
ECBEnglishNazi: So what, they levitated up to it?
ECBHateMachine: Or there's a three story house INSIDE the house?
"Hello and welcome. Please do come in Tyler is in kitchen right now, but my name is Ashley Stone." Ashley said with a smile on her face. She continued, "You must Haruhi. Tyler told what happened."
ECBYoukai: "You must Haruhi." New dance craze?
ECBEnglishNazi: So she's an intransitive verb now, as well as an adjective?
ECBHateMachine: Yes.
ECBKuyou: There is so much wrong with this paragraph on so many levels I don't know where to begin.
ECBKuyou: Starting with "Please do come in Tyler" because-- No. JUST NO.
ECBKt3: On Nyancat five, dictionaries are also on the endangered list.
ECBHateMachine: So are hope, joy, and sanity.
"Yea that is me. This is my aunt Ákì. I hope you don't mind, but she is joining for dinner."
ECBHateMachine: "Yea"?
ECBKuyou: Yea that is Haruhi! She is come! She bears tidings of GREAT Tyler! Also she's hungry.
ECBHateMachine: Okay, I've got this mental image of Haruhi dressed up like a really stereotypical Italian mobster now. You know, to try and fit in with the other Italian transfer students here.
ECBKt3: I have the better image of a quaint, romantic dinner set for two... and Haruhi's aunt just sitting at the table on the third side, watching the two intently.
As Ashley led them to the dining room she replies, "It is ok Nate won't be joining us tonight."
ECBKuyou: So, Haruhi and her aunt have no context to know who 'Nate' is or care that he's not going to be present.
ECBKuyou: They've never met.
ECBEnglishNazi: Aw. I was hoping he would come in and kill everyone.
ECBKuyou: We, the readers, know of Nate. But Haruhi and her aunt do not.
ECBYoukai: Wait. So Conityler the Male invites her over to his place on a date... with the rest of the Wal-mart super-spy squad?
Ákì asks, "How many people are staying here?"
ECBYoukai: For once, I have nothing to say, other than 'why the hell is the aunt here at all?' But we've been there already.
ECBKuyou: Why is the aunt asking this? I mean, why does she care? Are there clues in the description that she's picking up on?
ECBKuyou: Is this place a total sty and she's appalled? Is she hoping there are other guys she can hit on? Is she ... the enemy?
As the three women sat down Ashley replies, "Five but we all have our own rooms because of work issues. And we are also foreign exchange students. For example I am from Los Angeles, California."
ECBKuyou: 'sat' and 'replies' -- tense confusion, but that's become a standard we're becoming numb to.
ECBHateMachine: I can't even notice the missing commas any more.
ECBKuyou: ...I think the fic's badness killed our comma-counter.
ECBYoukai: On a serious note, most foreign exchange programs - at least between countries that have different languages - don't do this.
ECBEnglishNazi: So wait. The Wal-Mart super-spies, as their cover, decided to act like a group of people from completely different places? Despite the fact that they would have to look and act more alike than different, coming from a different dimension?
ECBKuyou: These aliens look the same, live together, and claim to be from across the globe.
ECBKuyou: And, are they foreign exchange students, or are they working? Because they have 'work issues', but supposedly are students at the same time....
"And I am from the northern mountainous parts of Italy near the Switzerland border." A new voice said from behind the trio. "I am sorry. I am Veronica Mada, a friend of Tyler."
ECBKuyou: I am seriously losing track of things because of the mass of poorly introduced characters.
ECBEnglishNazi: Because we all tell people precisely what part of the country we're from on first introduction.
ECBYoukai: Does it actually matter?
ECBKt3: Do what I do, and forget absolutely everything about these characters, because it won't matter.
ECBKuyou: To me, they all blend together into a trio of entities that can be summarized as 'I don't care', 'the Male' and 'Nate, who I hope kills the Male'.
ECBYoukai: I have a sneaking suspicion that once we get past this 'date', we're going to see these characters maybe once or twice and that's it.
ECBKuyou: Anyway, that sentence is horribly constructed. Well. All of them are.
"Oi that may be but I am his best friend. The name is Alexander Cael and I am from eastern Russia." Daniel exclaimed as he walked in.
ECBHateMachine: "Oi" is a thing they say in Russia, now?
ECBEnglishNazi: Are you having a competition over how close you are to the Male?
ECBKuyou: The author's avatar is much beloved by all things.
ECBYoukai: "Things" is a good word. I have yet to see an actual person in this fic.
ECBEnglishNazi: Except Nate. And his undefined enemies.
ECBKuyou: Oh, I'm sure Nate loves the author avatar, too, he just is willing to kill him. After all, the author avatar was willing to kill Haruhi, and look where they are! Anyway, even Kyon was trying to help him out last chapter; no one dislikes the author avatar.
"Training and patience, and good choosing the company's part." Veronica replied with a smile.
ECBYoukai: What is this I don't even. I have no idea where to even begin parsing this sentence.
ECBEnglishNazi: So are you from a company, or are you foreign exchange students?
ECBKuyou: 'company'? What 'company' is supposed to be funding this intercontinental student exchange program?
ECBKuyou: And if it's the company that funds the spies, then why did they just break cover? You guys are the worst spies ever.
ECBEnglishNazi: Good choosing 'on' the company's part, I think.
ECBYoukai: How about "a good choice on the company's part".
ECBKuyou: You'd get better constructed sentences by putting every single word ever written on a dartboard and throwing while blindfolded.
"Dinner is served everyone. I made a homeland dish. As well as desert, and it is quite a treat." Tyler said carrying in the plates of food.
ECBEnglishNazi: You made a desert? I don't think that would taste very good.
ECBKuyou: The author avatar is so modest, describing what he prepared as a treat. Also, 'food'? Could you be a little more generic? Is 'homeland' his cover of Italy, or is this Nyancat planet food?
ECBKt3: The desert caps off the dish made out of his homeland quite nicely, I find.
ECBKuyou: Also, it's not 'served' -- he's still carrying it in.
ECBEnglishNazi: So we're eating his homeland and then a desert.
ECBHateMachine: Man, I hope there's some water, my mouth is gonna be dry.
Haruhi said, with pure happiness and excitement, jumping up and running over to Tyler to hug him, "I missed you so much Tyler!" She hugged him after the food was set down on the table.
ECBKuyou: "It's just, I didn't miss you enough to go into the next room."
ECBHateMachine: "Let's sew ourselves together, so we'll never be apart again!"
ECBKuyou: In Japan, public displays of affection are very much frowned on. This is the point where the aunt would intervene and drag Haruhi home.
ECBEnglishNazi: But that would be realistic. And denote research.
ECBHateMachine: Also, brain damage.
ECBKuyou: Oh, right. Haruhi and her aunt are too brain damaged. I forgot that part.
ECBHateMachine: Plus, it's the Male.
ECBKt3: The author's taken a note from Twilight: no matter what it is, it's not creepy and obsessive when your love interest does it.
ECBKuyou: Too bad he couldn't have taken inspiration from something good.
"Hey Haruhi I missed you too. I am glad you could make it." He replied hugging her back.
ECBEnglishNazi: "And I cannot use contractions!"
ECBHateMachine: Again with the spine hugging! Is this some sort of new fetish in Japan?
ECBKuyou: "Hey, guys, don't mind us pretty much making out in front of you. Enjoy your meals or whatever, unimportant characters!"
ECBHateMachine: I find pretending that this is just a horrid, horrid fever dream nightmare helps a bit.
ECBKuyou: My fever dreams typically involve melting flesh and brain-devouring inescapable monstrosities. They are more comforting to deal with than this fic.
"I can't wait for the movie. But first let's eat." She said with a smile.
ECBHateMachine: "I can't wait. But first... let's wait."
ECBKuyou: That could have been rewritten so many different ways. "But I want to try your cooking, first," or "let's hurry up and eat so we can go to the theater," or better, written in a text file that was never posted where I'd have the misfortune to see it.
ECBKuyou: Just some suggestions.
ECBKt3: As long as the important details being left out includes things like graphic descriptions of their make-out sessions, I'm still doing good.
ECBHateMachine: "They kissed. They made out for several hours. It was great." Congratulations, I've just described it better than this fic would... and it makes me cry.
ECBKt3: If we were still keeping tally of improperly used punctuation, it'd be up to about fifty or so by now I'd imagine.
"So Alexander you said you were from eastern Russia. Where did you learn English and such beautiful manners?" Ákì asked after taking a bite of the steak.
ECBKuyou: What steak? Is the 'food' now 'steak'?
ECBEnglishNazi: Why are they speaking in English? They're in Japan.
ECBKuyou: Well, there are cattle ranches in northern Italy, so that stands to reason. The real fail is that the author doesn't realize that 'steak' isn't something you really get in Japan, unless you're fairly wealthy. The super-spy has a lot of better options to not stand out, here.
ECBHateMachine: Pasta, maybe. Some sort of meat dish with a fancy sauce. I'm not an expert in Italian cooking, but even I could pull up SOME sort of fake Italian dish!
After finishing his rather large bite of mashed potatoes stated, "At the University of Moscow. The class was needed to be a foreign exchange student."
ECBKuyou: Well, while steak could kind of sort of work as 'Italian homeland food', mashed potatoes doesn't.
ECBEnglishNazi: So it's a talking chunk of mashed potatoes? Why is his food talking about the University of Moscow?
ECBKt3: You bite your mashed potatoes? I don't understand how someone exactly 'bites' into mashed potatoes. It's not really a solid mass that needs to be bitten into.
ECBKuyou: So ... alien transfer students ... going to college .. transfer into Japanese high-schools?
ECBEnglishNazi: Of course. Because internal consistency is for people who care about quality.
ECBPax: I didn't know that Russian postsecondary education was a training ground for Japanese etiquette carried out in English.
ECBKuyou: They're super-aliens. They can do anything.
ECBPax: I suppose it makes sense for an author avatar Avatar from Nyancat five (the five is Lowercase).
Veronica stated after setting down her cup, "And we all are happy about that. I can only imagine what he would be like without it. No I do not a demonstration Alexander."
ECBEnglishNazi: So who's this Veronica person again? One of the poorly introduced people we don't care about?
ECBHateMachine: A demonstration Alexander, to be precise.
ECBKuyou: You don't want to mess with the production Alexander.
ECBPax: I'm thinking a demonstration Alexander is the one they leave on the showroom floor. You can't normally buy that one.
ECBHateMachine: It's just flawed and a little damaged. Like everything else in this fic.
ECBKuyou: Reinforcing the importance of commas to offset names. Otherwise, the preceding words are used as descriptors, instead of the name being a way to address a person.
"You know what I need to cook one day to show true Russian hospitality." He retorted with a smirk.
ECBKuyou: No, I don't know what you need to show her that.
ECBEnglishNazi: She may know what you need to cook one day to show true Russian hospitality, but we don't. And what's with playing up the ethnic identities here, since they're all actually from Nyancat five?
ECBEnglishNazi: Lousy trade-craft.
ECBPax: I think he's suggesting that innuendo is a Russian dish.
ECBKuyou: I'm also not clear on innuendo existing in this fic-universe. That requires some degree of cleverness.
ECBKt3: It's a bit hard to see with it going line-by-line, but I noticed that the author has a bad case of 'appending an action to every piece of dialogue'.
ECBKuyou: That's true; it doesn't feel organic or natural -- just forced and repetitive.
"Anyway Ákì are your steak? I didn't know how Haruhi and yourself liked it so I made every steak medium rare. Except for Alexander's, his is well done." Tyler stated with a smile. Hoping for a good response.
ECBKuyou: I think this fic would be much larger if all those missing words were included.
ECBPax: The steak is Aki! IT'S AKI!
ECBKuyou: So, did the author avatar just feed Haruhi her own aunt for dinner?
ECBEnglishNazi: He was hoping for a good response? No shit, Sherlock. What, were you afraid we would think he was hoping for her to slap him across the face and storm out?
ECBHateMachine: ...sadly, cooking the steak medium rare is the first sign of competence this schmuck has shown at ANYTHING.
ECBHateMachine: But I'm honestly not sure of the Japanese response to a steak that's still a bit bloody.
ECBKuyou: The Japanese do not typically eat undercooked beef.
ECBPax: I'm pretty sure the Japanese don't eat people either, but it's pretty clear that the author is playing by his own rules here.
ECBKt3: He's a trend-setter, that one.
"It is good. We usually don't eat steak." Ákì replied politely.
ECBHateMachine: See, because steak is expensive in Japan. Look at how rich the Male is! LOOK. LOOK, DAMN YOUR EYES.
ECBKt3: No, it's simply showing off his classiness, and how much he really cares for his twu luv, by providing her with such extravagance!
ECBPax: His apartment on Nyancat five (the five is Lowercase) smells of rich mahogany.
ECBKuyou: Because nothing says 'classy' like mind-rape.
ECBHateMachine: Oh, I thought it was some kind of weird wish fulfillment thing. Never mind, then.
Ashley stated bluntly, "Did anyone else hear that." She turned around to see Nolt in the doorway.
ECBEnglishNazi: She stated it bluntly?
ECBHateMachine: She stated a question, as well.
ECBKuyou: I think the author meant 'suddenly' or 'abruptly', or perhaps 'irrelevantly'.
ECBEnglishNazi: 'Unintelligently'.
ECBKt3: I think the author needs to stop appending actions to every line of dialogue.
ECBHateMachine: I mean, there's no question mark, but I'm assuming it's in hiding with all the commas. Perhaps there's some sort of underground freedom organization trying to get all these poor punctuations to safety?
ECBHateMachine: Nothing in the English language should have to suffer like those poor things are.
ECBKt3: "Blah blah." Tyler did a jig. "Blah blah." Brainwashed Haruhi harrumphed. "Blah blah." The missing commas cried before revolting.
Nolt said, "I am for bothering your peaceful night, but we have a small problem. Name is Nate Zimmerman by the way ma'am. I am from Northern Germany. Anyway Alexander, Ashley the problem is on screen."
ECBKuyou: "On screen"? So, he gives exposition on his cover and breaks it in the same sentence?
ECBPax: Damn you, Ashley the problem!
ECBEnglishNazi: Because calling people away in the middle of dinner to look at a 'problem' 'on screen' is so totally the behavior of a group of foreign exchange students.
ECBKt3: Oh those silly foreigners, what will they do next?
ECBHateMachine: We can SEE you're for bothering their peaceful night, you idiot. You're doing it right now!
"If you two would excuse us," Ashley said as Alexander and she ran out of the following Nate to the security/communication room.
ECBEnglishNazi: Ran out of the following Nate?
ECBKuyou: What the hell were they doing inside the following Nate in the first place?
ECBHateMachine: Wait, there's a security/communication room?
ECBKuyou: Which one?
ECBEnglishNazi: They can't decide.
ECBKuyou: It can't be both, because if it were, it would just say 'and'.
ECBHateMachine: What, is it right opposite the bathroom or what?
ECBPax: Maybe they can decide, but the author can't.
ECBKt3: The secu/comm room is right inside this completely inconspicuous locked alien metal door. Pay no attention to it, citizens.
Tyler stated alter finishing his meal, "Haruhi whenever you are ready. We will head out."
ECBEnglishNazi: Alter finishing? So what, he's painting varnish on the steak? That's the only guess I can come up with.
ECBHateMachine: I'm trying to figure out what the hell that could be.
ECBPax: Everyone is always ready for the Male. *WINK*
ECBKuyou: 'stated alter' to 'stayed after'? Is this a homonym, and a spell-checker was involved?
ECBEnglishNazi: Haruhi is still an intransitive verb here.
ECBKt3: C'mon everyone, Haruhi with me! That dance craze is still going strong.
ECBHateMachine: Are they going to be taking the aunt with them?
ECBHateMachine: Or is she going to stay behind in the following Nate?
By the time Tyler and Haruhi got out the door it was six that it is an hour's bike ride to the movie theater. They rode on a blue Tandem bicycle. With Tyler in front and Haruhi on the back. The ride was a peaceful bike ride, little bits of conversation, and soft pedaling. They got the movie theater with time to spare, so the couple got in line at the snack counter. Haruhi and Tyler are fifth or sixth in line and the person in front couldn't decide on a snack. Haruhi stated, "What an idiot! He can't decide on popcorn size." She crossed her arms after her comment.
ECBEnglishNazi: Wasn't it at five-thirty that they arrived?
ECBKuyou: So it took them negative thirty minutes to eat?
ECBHateMachine: I wasn't aware that Tandem was a bike brand. I thought it was a style.
ECBEnglishNazi: I can't imagine they're common.
ECBKuyou: Convenient that this guy who never planned or expected to date Haruhi happened to have a tandem bicycle lying around.
ECBKt3: This poor author just keeps pulling out things that he thinks are romantic that he's seen in bad movies.
ECBEnglishNazi: If anything, it's actually more romantic doing the whole riding-passenger-on-a-single-bike thing.
ECBKt3: "It's just... y'know... in case we ever need to bike all together in a group to our mission."
ECBKuyou: "Well, just two of us, anyway."
ECBHateMachine: And who cares about their Adventures in Line? What, is it added just so Haruhi can make some sort of snide comment to show that she's still annoyed at people being indecisive? Or is it just Bad Storytelling?
ECBPax: Can't it be both?
ECBKuyou: No, it's just bad writing.
Tyler chuckled at this notion and statement. He whispered towards Haruhi, "That or he doesn't see that he is trying to lower the price of the large popcorn." Right after that statement was made the man in the front of the line drew a gun from a hidden jacket holster.
ECBKuyou: Notion and statement? And what's this about not seeing someone trying to lower the price of popcorn? I cannot pull genuine meaning from that pile of words.
ECBEnglishNazi: This would be more effective if you knew how to put a sentence together.
ECBHateMachine: The stupid, it BURNs. A gun? In Japan?
ECBEnglishNazi: Well, sure. Not like they don't exist.
ECBHateMachine: I know, but knife crimes are FAR more likely!
ECBKuyou: Japan has around 130 gun crimes a year, with a populated area several (dozen) times the size of New York City. So the odds of one happening right in front of him on his first date randomly are ... pretty fucking low.
ECBKuyou: I'd say about equal to the odds of me enjoying any part of this fic. But, hey. At least there's a chance for the super-spy to crush some poor mortal and show Haruhi how bad-ass he is.
ECBEnglishNazi: Well, someone's got to draw the short straw sometime.
ECBPax: They don't draw short straws in this fic. They draw red or blue ones.
The crazed gunman shouted, as other people drew out guns from various pockets and bags, "EVERYONE DOWN ON THE GROUND NOW! SLOWLY NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!" Everyone started down to their knees then slowly put hands behind their heads. Even the cashier, a girl no older than sixteen, was pulled over the counter by the first gunman. One by one you could hear the civilians being cuffed by packaging ties then being thrown to the ground. Tyler saw a young girl, probably nine or ten, crying uncontrollably from the events. Tyler whispered to Haruhi, "Stay down things are about to get ugly." Tyler then felt the cold sensation of a gun barrel being put to back of his neck.
ECBEnglishNazi: Well, this is an unexpected and completely stupid development.
ECBHateMachine: And now we have a hostage situation.
ECBPax: There's only one crazed gunman, but everybody's armed. Why did they put this guy in charge?
ECBKt3: So, I bet that gunman is going for the heist of his life, eh? Robbing a movie theater?
ECBKuyou: What are these 'stay down things' and why are they going to get ugly?
ECBPax: I'm impressed that this criminal SWAT team is knocking over a movie theater instead of a place that actually has money.
ECBKuyou: I'm impressed that the author thought a 16-year old victim wouldn't raise enough sympathy, and then decided to add a 10-year old as well. Both girls. This looks like a job for the Male!
ECBKt3: It's horribly clichéd and something Hollywood would do in a heartbeat.
ECBKuyou: Well, it does feel ripped out of a movie.
The woman holding the gun ordered, "On your feet NOW!" Tyler keeping his hands behind his head slowly stood up. She yelled at the leader, "Hey I got a hero here. He was going to try something."
ECBKuyou: ...maybe even specifically Pulp Fiction.
ECBKt3: I feel like I've been trying to point this out for a while, really. He's just blindly pulling clichéd movie elements, whether or not it's action or romance.
ECBKuyou: Well, you're right that the entire fic is slapped together shoddily.
ECBEnglishNazi: If you think someone is about to attack you, why order them to stand up, thus making it easier?
ECBPax: The Male needs to marry this woman as part of his combination attack sequence.
ECBKuyou: But let's give this guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the author has some strength in action sequences.
ECBPax: When we give him the benefit of the doubt, he abuses it. He'll get his benefit of the doubt privileges back when he can be responsible with them.
ECBKuyou: Oh, right....
ECBHateMachine: Seriously, I'm going to have to start a home for battered benefits of doubt.
ECBKuyou: Anyway, these gunmen are better established as bad guys and unlikable than Kyon has been.
ECBEnglishNazi: By virtue of the whole 'threatening to shoot people' thing.
ECBHateMachine: And they could tell he was going to try something because... he was talking? I guess?
Tyler moved faster than the woman could pull the trigger. He grabbed the gun aimed it at some support the gunman had and took them down - not death - as the blonde woman pulled the trigger. Tyler turned the gun on the woman holding it by breaking her arms and shooting her knees. Tyler threw the gun to the side and stated, "You think you're so powerful, but in reality you're a disowned child who was the least favorite of your parents. So you had to get support to do a massacre in a movie theater. How about you face me in hand to hand combat?"
ECBKuyou: Author: "And then, he used his gun and stopped them! Uh, without killing them, because he's SO COOL!"
ECBEnglishNazi: Wow, epic failure here. In so many ways.
ECBEnglishNazi: 1. You think you can reliably shoot to incapacitate without killing.
ECBEnglishNazi: 2. You feel the need to psychologically analyze your opponent during a gunfight.
ECBEnglishNazi: 3. You drop a gun when preparing to fight a guy with a gun.
ECBKt3: "He grabbed the gun aimed it at some support the gunman had"
ECBKuyou: If you can't even bother to show me how he accomplished this, I sure as hell can't be bothered to care.
ECBPax: I like how he breaks a woman's arm and shoots both of her knees, then challenges her to hand to hand combat.
ECBKuyou: It's classy.
ECBHateMachine: Seriously, who brings stupid to a gun fight? Besides, weren't there MORE gunmen? Wouldn't THEY be shooting him right now? Please?
ECBKuyou: I also appreciate that he just gave away that he was a mind-reader in front of Haruhi.
ECBEnglishNazi: Yeah.
ECBKuyou: This guy is SO good at keeping his cover.
ECBKt3: Meanwhile, the lady is quickly bleeding out and will likely die in the next ten minutes.
ECBPax: I'm surprised he didn't tell the woman that she'd never have Mikuru.
ECBEnglishNazi: Just on general principles.
ECBKt3: With his Space Avatar Spy abilities that he didn't even need to use.
ECBHateMachine: That's super power... I've completely lost count.
ECBKuyou: Unfortunately at this point, it's just blatantly clear he has superpower 'unsubtle author fiat'.
He replied, "How about this you die now!" The gunman started firing his Mac11 submachine gun at Tyler. Tyler dodged one wave of bullets then another and another. Until he was in front of the gunman. Grabbing the overheating gun, and throwing it to the side he started the close range fight.
ECBKuyou: Which gunman? The one who was already knocked out by gunshots?
ECBHateMachine: Okay, the Mac-11 is a real gun, at least. Though it can't actually fire "waves".
ECBKt3: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MAC-11
ECBKt3: "Without proper training, the natural tendency of the inexperienced shooter is to hold down the trigger, discharging the entire magazine in little more than a second, often with poor accuracy due to recoil."
ECBKt3: But it's still an American military firearm in Japan.
ECBHateMachine: I really wish I could think this was deliberate and not just whatever gun the author was currently looking at on Wikipedia.
ECBKuyou: Well, Tyler can move faster than bullets. This gunman can't possibly challenge him in a fist fight. It's also really good that no bystanders were hit.
"Stay still you slippery hijacker." He yelled as he threw a punch.
ECBEnglishNazi: Hijacker? What has he hijacked?
ECBKuyou: Who says this? Tyler?
ECBKt3: He hijacked the story. He must die for this transgression.
ECBPax: That's a borderline "spoony bard" comment.
ECBArakawa: ... I don't want to know what 'slippery' means, then.
ECBKt3: He must die so the story can be about Jane Doe and Tyler Durden's true love.
ECBPax: He hijacked the date, and must die. Although I suppose that for the Male, this date is progressing perfectly.
"HA. Is that best insult you can come up with." Tyler stated before grabbing and throwing the gunman across the room into a support beam.
ECBEnglishNazi: So super-strength, too.
ECBKuyou: That's a question, not a statement, though this is an old issue with the fic at this point. Also, does this mean Tyler said both of the previous lines?
ECBKt3: Wait, the evil bad dude(tm) called Tyler a hijacker?
ECBKuyou: No, Tyler was the last person referenced and no speech indicators were used. According to proper parsing, Tyler is both speakers.
ECBArakawa: "Stand still, you slippery hijacker! Yeah, that was the best insult I can come up with, in case you were wondering."
ECBHateMachine: Completely across the room? Into a support beam.
ECBKuyou: Maybe the room is only five feet across. Maybe it stretches to the moon. We don't really know, and the author isn't telling us.
ECBHateMachine: Add super strength to The List, then.
ECBKt3: That makes absolutely no sense that the bad guy would call Tyler that.
ECBPax: It's almost like he's apologizing for the low quality of the insult.
ECBArakawa: Or maybe the author has the Matrix in his head.
ECBKt3: He did claim to not own matrix style moves in the notes.
ECBHateMachine: I'm pretty sure the author doesn't have ANYTHING in his head.
He got up ran at Tyler with pure hatred in his eyes. Once again Tyler dodged the punch. He grabbed the gunman's arm and gave it a sharp twist to break the elbow. Throwing the man against the backside of the couch he went to the ground in pain before getting back up just in time to receive a swift kick to the head knocking him out cold, and on his back.
ECBKt3: A couch in the theater lobby?
ECBPax: Surprise couch!
ECBPax: Maybe couch conjuring is one of his superpowers?
ECBEnglishNazi: We should add it to the list.
ECBHateMachine: What's next? Super-Weaving? This guy has more powers than Golden Age Superman. Also, just twisting the arm won't break the elbow!
ECBKt3: And breaking peoples' arms is kind of a rather brutal thing to do.
ECBEnglishNazi: How did he manage to get up again after being "thrown across the room" (which is, presumably, still a theater lobby, and so large)?
ECBArakawa: I needed to re-read that twice to tell that it's suddenly Tyler being beat up.
ECBKuyou: Yeah, I didn't see the sudden reversal coming, either. I didn't think the author would have his favorite character suddenly get beaten up like that. But unless it's -- gasp! -- some sort of typo, Tayler's now beaten up and knocked out.
ECBEnglishNazi: No, that's actually right. "He" got up [and] ran at Tyler. Then 'Tyler' dodged the punch. All the 'he's thereafter refer to Tyler.
ECBKuyou: So Tyler just suddenly got beaten up.
ECBEnglishNazi: Wow, this is very stupid.
ECBKuyou: I guess this explains the gunman's confidence! He's a superhuman too!
ECBArakawa: Either that, or he took advantage of the fact that not even the author can tell what is going on. So he managed to sneak a hit on Tyler in amid the confusing prose.
"Hands were we can see them!" A police officer shouted as a squad of police men and women poured into the room.
ECBHateMachine: So... the hands WERE "we can see them", but aren't any more?
ECBKuyou: Looks like the author avatar is going to be saved by the cops.
ECBHateMachine: And that's good response time! The gunmen are obviously idiots, trying to hold up a theater RIGHT NEXT to a police station. Because there's no other way the cops got there that fast.
ECBKt3: Holding up a theater anyway is a dumb idea. Seriously, who are they going to steal from?
ECBKuyou: Yeah, they had no chance of getting money out of this in the first place.
ECBHateMachine: Next target: That donut shop with all the cop cars in front of it!
ECBKuyou: If that happened, Haruhi would crave a donut just so the author avatar could save the day.
ECBEnglishNazi: Their motivation was to give the Male something heroic to do to fit with bad story logic.
Tyler raised his hands in the 'I surrender' position. He was cuffed and thrown to the floor with a boot on his back. Until some civilian eye witnesses told the officers that he was the one protecting them not holding them hostage. Tyler was then uncuffed and brought back up to his feet. The movie theater owner came up to Tyler and stated, "Son I want to thank you personally by giving you free movie pass for the next time you come here, and it's good for another person to come with you." He was shaking Tyler's hand. He continued, "This would have ruined my business."
ECBArakawa: Looks like the author avatar is going to be saved by the Keystone Kops.
ECBKuyou: So it seems. These cops are awful! Poor author avatar! He got beaten up by a rogue gunman, and they blamed him! He was even knocked out cold when they showed up!
ECBEnglishNazi: Wait a second. No one's dealt with the gunman. Tyler got beaten up, then decided to surrender for some reason. Where'd the gunman go?
ECBArakawa: The gunman vanished when he was no longer necessary to advance the plot.
ECBKt3: Good job super-spy, you've attracted the attention of the local law enforcement. Way to keep undercover, champ.
ECBHateMachine: He 'saved' the business... and gets two free movie tickets out of it.
ECBHateMachine: Also, "would have"? Dude, you just had a bunch of armed gunmen shoot up your lobby. You might as well just close down and turn it into a soap land.
ECBEnglishNazi: As much ruining as will go on has already gone on, I think.
ECBKuyou: Yeah, no one is going to go to the theater that had a crazy band of gunmen attack it, even if some bad-ass beat the crap out of them for it.
Three hours later, in front of Haruhi's house
ECBHateMachine: ....wait.
ECBKuyou: Author: "I could describe the date while watching the movie, or go into details, but the really important thing is how bad-ass my character was when he saved Haruhi from those terrorists!"
ECBKuyou: Except if he was so bad-ass, he could have taken them down without mutilation and grievous physical injuries, to say nothing of the fact that a typo in your writing had Tyler losing that fight -- badly.
ECBArakawa: But then he doesn't get to suffer in a bad-ass fashion!
"I am sorry for what happened tonight. I should have seen it coming, especially when Nate, a security nut, interrupted dinner and asked for Alexander and Ashley." Tyler stated while hugging Haruhi and looking into her eyes lovingly.
ECBKt3: How does that even have anything to do with the other thing?
ECBKuyou: Does your security system predict all crime?
ECBEnglishNazi: How precisely do you hug someone while looking into their eyes lovingly? Most of the hugging I've done kind of precludes eye contact.
ECBKuyou: Maybe his eyes are on stalks? Or he can stretch them like he stretched his arms last chapter.
ECBEnglishNazi: That would be creepy as fuck.
ECBKuyou: Like he hasn't been from the very beginning, with the whole brain-wash and mind-rape thing?
ECBKuyou: I no longer remember what suspension of disbelief feels like; I think it died a slow, brutal death earlier in this fic. Probably in chapter one.
She replied, hugging him back not wanting to let go, "it's okay, but how did you move that fast again? To dodge that many bullets for any human alive." Being excited from the movie and watching him take down all of those people, she was stilled wired.
ECBEnglishNazi: 'To dodge that many bullets for any human alive.' Is that a sentence? I'm pretty sure that's not a sentence.
ECBArakawa: 'stilled wired'?
ECBKuyou: I'm not even convinced this is language. 'Stilled' means 'calmed', which makes for a face-palm inspiring typo.
ECBKt3: Haruhi: "I only feel just slightly bad for all the innocent people behind you who died horribly from the bullets you dodged."
ECBKuyou: Now, that's uncalled for. Haruhi's too brain-damaged at this point to retain the memory of those people.
ECBHateMachine: I don't think they were people.
ECBArakawa: Not even the people in this fic are people!
ECBHateMachine: I think they were aliens. If you read the subtext of the fic, it's obvious.
ECBPax: The only thing in this fic that is people is the steak.
"One day I will explain all of these happenings to you, but for now you need your rest for tomorrow." Tyler replied leaning in closer to her face.
ECBHateMachine: Sleeeep. Sleeeeeeeeeep.
ECBKuyou: It's a good thing for Tyler that this Haruhi doesn't have an insatiable curiosity and boundless energy.
ECBHateMachine: Isn't it, though?
ECBKuyou: Because canon!Haruhi would explode if being told, "Someday." I would expect her to quite literally beat the answers out of him. Love or not.
ECBHateMachine: Don't be silly. She'd just sit at home, patiently waiting for someone to come get her and explain everything to her teensy, tiny, little girly brain!
ECBArakawa: Okaay... what are they doing tomorrow that Haruhi so urgently needs rest for rather than asking the Male about his six zillion superpowers?
ECBHateMachine: Wait. There was a shootout in the movie theater... and they STILL showed the movie?
ECBEnglishNazi: Seriously? Wow.
ECBHateMachine: Damn, that's a hardcore theater owner.
FicTheaterOwner: "The show MUST go on! Half-priced tickets to all survivors!"
ECBArakawa: Not even the author cares about that detail. Does anyone care?
FicTheaterOwner: "I don't! Wipe the blood off the screen and SHOW THE MOVIE! I've got popcorn to sell, dammit!"
ECBKuyou: ...damn, that's a more interesting character than anyone we've actually met in the fic.
ECBArakawa: This is... really stupid given the Incident that actually happened recently in actual real life. It was on the news, you may have heard of it. >_>
ECBEnglishNazi: That is rather tasteless.
ECBKuyou: How can we really expect the author to be sensitive to a real-life multiple murder involving a crazed gunman at a movie theater? What matters to him is that the author avatar gets to show off to Haruhi. Poor, brain-damaged Haruhi.
They were about to kiss when Ákì opened the door to the house scaring before people. She stated, "Aww how cute, but not on the first date."
ECBPax: What's a house scaring before people? Is that like a barn-raising?
ECBEnglishNazi: 'scaring before people'?
ECBPax: Well, you do a house scaring in front of a crowd, really.
ECBKt3: Oh, I got it. A house scaring is like a house showing, except they show off houses of horror.
ECBPax: I can no longer brain today. This fic has given me the dumbs.
ECBKt3: So in this fic, we have
ECBKt3: A) Lots of forms and paperwork
ECBKt3: B) The absolute worst spies, soldiers, and team
ECBKt3: C) One of the worst action scenes I've ever seen
ECBKt3: D) And one pretty horrible date that everyone's treating as if it went great
ECBPax: It has more marriages than the third act of a Shakespearean comedy.
ECBHateMachine: Steak made of people.
ECBKuyou: Seriously, the word 'stated' is overused. If you want to use just one speech indicator, stick with 'said'.
ECBHateMachine: "Stated" is currently sedated and still sobbing from post traumatic stress disorder, in fact.
ECBEnglishNazi: Seriously. Brutal violence is not the kind of thing that civilians unused to it just shrug off. This should have Haruhi in much worse shape.
ECBPax: Her brain damage protects her from the trauma.
ECBHateMachine: "You just shot someone in the knees and broke their elbow! I'M SO HOT FOR YOU. LET'S DO IT. AND BY 'IT', I MEAN SEX."
"Auntie you are being no fun. Anyway I'll see you tomorrow Tyler!" Haruhi stated with a smile. Kissing Tyler on the cheek before running inside.
ECBHateMachine: Oh, stated. You poor bastard. Will your pain never end?
ECBKuyou: He's taking a shot for the commas. They will remember him always. That last sentence is a fragment.
ECBHateMachine: Many stated died to get these commas out.
ECBEnglishNazi: One-third of his sentences are fragments.
ECBKt3: I believe with the surety of a mountain that this story was written by a 13 year old boy.
ECBKuyou: It's plausible.
ECBHateMachine: Can we assemble them into other, different (and by definition BETTER) sentences?
ECBEnglishNazi: I doubt it. We'd need to melt them down for letters.
ECBHateMachine: I never thought I'd say this, but... this fic makes me miss Skysaber.
"Have a good night's sleep it looks like you are going to need it now." Ákì said before gently shutting the door leaving Tyler stunned on the doorstep.
ECBEnglishNazi: Why is Tyler stunned?
ECBKuyou: Tyler: "You're going to need your rest, Haruhi. WINK, WINK, NUDGE, NUDGE, SAY NO MORE!"
ECBKuyou: Creepy Aunt: "You hear that? Better rest up, Haruhi! Woohoo!"
ECBArakawa: Stunned, as in unconscious?
ECBKt3: He got kissed on the cheek. It was so intense he's stunned.
ECBArakawa: Yeah. But it's more amusing to take the author's muddled prose and pretend Aunt Aki gently whacked him in the face with a door.
ECBKuyou: Anyway, he was moving to kiss Haruhi on the lips. But she kisses him on the cheek. And he's stunned.
ECBHateMachine: Shooting someone in the knees, breaking their elbow, and getting kicked in the head? NO PROBLEM. Teenage girl kisses your cheek? STUNNED.
ECBKuyou: I don't think it's the kiss. It's that she initiated it instead of him. How dare she!?
ECBPax: Do we know how old the Male is? I suspect that the only way to know for sure is to find out how old the author is. Or how old the author thinks it would be cool to be.
ECBArakawa: We can only assume old enough to attend Kitago?
Sorry if this chapter was a little predictable and sappy. I thought Haruhi having a little love interest with someone else besides Kyon would be interesting. Next chapter is even sadder than this one, but di not fear I redeem myself in that chapter as well. The chapter will show a traitor within the group. Can you figure out who the traitor is? Leave a review as to who think that it is.
ECBKt3: Tips to fix this paragraph: Remove every instance of "little".
ECBEnglishNazi: Wait. He thought this was sad?
ECBArakawa: "Sappy"?
ECBEnglishNazi: Can he actually recognize emotional content?
ECBArakawa: Yeah, because when I think 'sappy', I think 'random guy with Mac-11 submachine gun shooting at people in a movie theater'.
ECBKuyou: And when I think 'predictable' I think 'utter lack of coherence or foreshadowing'.
ECBArakawa: And when I think 'sad' I think 'horrendously bad writing'. Because this entire fic is sad so far. According to that definition. And oh horrors, we've just been warned that it gets sadder.
ECBKt3: If Haruhi having a "little love interest" is her declaring her love on the second day, well...
ECBEnglishNazi: And three guesses as to who the 'traitor' is.
ECBKuyou: This isn't how romance works. But everything else has been wrong so far, too, so why not?
ECBPax: I think the reasoning is that "somebody besides Kyon would be perfect" and he has realized that he is, in fact, somebody besides Kyon. Therefore, he is perfect for her.
ECBKt3: That would require him planning the story out, instead of the story being a reflection of his wishes being fulfilled. Actually, that would require there being a story.
ECBHateMachine: It's stream-of-consciousness insanity.
ECBKt3: I feel like I ought to point out some things, such as the fact that he could have an actual, interesting romance going on if he had planned out the characters beforehand and had a strong idea of who those characters were, rather than have a jumbled mess of events. He seems to focus on events way more than having decent characters, and having decent characters would make decent events.
ECBEnglishNazi: I think the premise "Haruhi/OC romance while Kyon gets shafted" is pretty much irreparable as-is.
ECBHateMachine: It's hard to focus on things like grammar, spelling, and punctuation when the problem with the fic is the... EVERYTHING.
ECBHateMachine: Dear $DEITY,
ECBHateMachine: I know I've done horrible things in my life.
ECBHateMachine: I still say those orphans deserved it.
ECBHateMachine: I understand that I need to be punished.
ECBHateMachine: But... can I just get some sort of plague? Locusts? Rain of fire? Killing the firstborn?
ECBHateMachine: ANYTHING other than this fic?
ECBHateMachine: Please?
ECBHateMachine: Sincerely,
ECBHateMachine: Someone who's suffered enough.