ECBKuyou: In the last exciting episodes of the Greasetest of Suzumiya Haruhi, we were introduced to local hero and can-do-no-wrong Male Conit (Tyler), of Nyancat five (the five is Lowercase).
ECBKuyou: We watched Haruhi fall in love with him, and confess, after ten minutes of knowing him, and four hours of him watching her grope Mikuru. This amazing specimen then took her on an exciting first date, filled with more terrorist-fighting action than any one and a half Die Hard movies, which simultaneously managed to not impress and to spit on the recent tragedy of the shooting that occurred at the opening of the Batman: the Dark Knight Rises movie.
ECBKuyou: Now let us read the exciting follow-up to this, in which I am sure that due to the staggeringly low rate of gun-crime in Japan, super-spy Tyler (Conit) will become the center of all Japan's media for the next few weeks.
ECBKuyou: Certainly, being involved in an act of terrorism, even if only while thwarting it, brings down the kind of scrutiny that any spy would do their best to avoid! How will our designated hero handle this riveting twist, and sudden shift towards political intrigue? Let's find out.
Chapter 3: Distress of the kind sir
ECBEnglishNazi: Wow, there's a chapter title for you.
ECBYoukai: Kind? Wait, maybe it's foreign. Kind is German for child, and I have to admit the Male seems to be one.
ECBKuyou: The suck starts fast and hard.
ECBArakawa: And the capital letters peter off into oblivion.
ECBHateMachine: Along with the punctuation.
This chapter is a sad toned. But it shows the events after the kiss. Not all are nice. More time for the club is here and in Chapter 7 (I don't really like them). The time has time to test the loyalty of Haruhi towards Tyler.
ECBEnglishNazi: Is 'a' sad toned? Seriously? I don't know where to start with that.
ECBKuyou: 'A sad toned...' what? A sad toned entry? A sad toned chapter? Or maybe just 'a sad toned pile of fail'.
ECBEnglishNazi: 'A sad, toned...'? Some sort of depressed bodybuilder?
ECBArakawa: So we see that
ECBArakawa: (a) the author does not like the Brigade, by own admission
ECBArakawa: (b) Haruhi doesn't even deserve him, and needs to be tested
ECBYoukai: This author should never be allowed within six feet of a keyboard again, but seriously... if the only character you care about is Haruhi, why is this not taking place on Nyancat five after the Male has clubbed Haruhi and dragged her off by her hair?
ECBKuyou: Secondly, while it's great that you admit you don't like the club, this raises the question of why you bother writing characters you don't like.
ECBKuyou: Or -- why not just write a fic about Haruhi going to Kouyouen, not involving the rest of the Brigade, and then having the mighty author avatar sweep in to rescue her from her dreary life in a whirlwind of romance and adventure?
ECBKuyou: The point being, there are much better ways to handle this story than the one you've chosen. Then you don't need to bash or write about the characters you don't ever use.
ECBKuyou: ...of course, it's debatable, based on what I've seen so far, that you're actually using the characters anyway.
ECBKuyou: But I digress.
Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Haruhi Suzumiya series. I only own my characters, their background history, and their skills (to a point).
ECBEnglishNazi: You own their skills? Then, by extension, these people are all absolutely terrible authors.
ECBArakawa: NO. You do not own their skills. Unless you refer to your skills of producing writing so bad that it *warps the fabric of reality*.
ECBHateMachine: I'd try to return them, if I were you. You got cheated on that deal. These characters are the story equivalent of warped Tupperware lids.
ECBYoukai: That's an insult to warped Tupperware lids. THOSE at least do the job they were designed for.
Haruhi looked out the window of her classroom bored as ever. 'Kyon is actually paying attention to the teacher, and Tyler hadn't shown up for school yet.' Haruhi thought still looking for Tyler to arrive. After class dismissed for lunch she headed for the clubroom to eat when her phone went off with a text message. It read;
ECBEnglishNazi: So Haruhi is now thinking to herself in the past perfect?
ECBYoukai: Picking tenses is not a game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
ECBArakawa: Sloppy writing makes even the parts of your writing that could make sense into complete gibberish. For example "her phone went off with a text message".
ECBArakawa: Ordinarily, I would understand that. However, after seeing "distress of the kind sir", I am tempted to assume that her phone has eloped with an email.
ECBKuyou: Why exactly is Haruhi waiting for Tyler to arrive? It's not like he will go to her class, unless he's somehow so cool he can cut classes whenever he wants.
ECBPax: Does the Male actually go to classes? I think he just showed up to join her club, but I don't think he's ever attended class, has he?
ECBPax: Since he's obviously an author avatar Avatar of wish fulfillment, I doubt the author would have him go to class.
ECBEnglishNazi: Also, colons vs. semicolons, 30-second version. If you want to lead into a list of something, use a colon (:).
ECBEnglishNazi: If you want to conjoin two related complete sentences, use a semicolon (;). Since you're obviously leading into something, you want the other one.
ECBHateMachine: Okay, I'm going to try to be helpful: you shouldn't put internal thoughts into quotations. They should be expressed as part of the narrative.
Haruhi
Sorry I couldn't make it Today. On the bike Ride home I fell And broke my leg.
Other bad news Is that The chain had cOme undone and cut my left knee fRom the back.
I am really sad I could not make it today. But do not tHrEat the doctors said that I may return in two days.
I miss you. If you wish to visit me I am at the hospitaL on Kíkén Street ten miles from your house.
Our love is as sweet as a freshly baked Pie.
Yours in love,
Tyler Ensis
ECBYoukai: What. The hell. Was that.
ECBPax: Oh, that's clever. IT'S A SUPER-SECRET CODE!
ECBKt3: This is such a painfully "coded" letter.
ECBPax: Apparently the message is "traitor help." So, help the traitor. Got it.
ECBArakawa: Okay...
ECBEnglishNazi: In addition to your ordinary complete failure to write helpful, aesthetic or indeed particularly intelligible sentences, you repeat your utter misunderstanding of how Japanese is romanized.
ECBHateMachine: So... you fell, broke your leg, AND ham-stringed yourself. Normally, I'd ask 'HOW?!', but instead I'm just going to ask "DO YOU HAVE VIDEO?"
ECBYoukai: There's a small, almost microscopic argument for breaking capitalization rules if you're showing a text message, since the vast majority of people don't bother to capitalize things in a text.
ECBYoukai: And that's because it's a pain in the ass on a cell phone. Random capitalization like this is CERTAINLY nothing you'll see in a text.
ECBKuyou: I'm curious about the text message that comes through in letter format instead of ... a line of text.
ECBYoukai: Agreed. Texts have a 140 character limit.
ECBPax: As a general rule, if your secret coded message can be decrypted by the person on the receiving end with no prior knowledge of the code you used, it can be decrypted by anybody.
ECBHateMachine: If it can be decrypted by Haruhi after the kind of brain damage she's already gotten in this fic, it can be decoded by particularly clever ROCKS.
ECBKt3: It also really detracts from how serious it's supposed to be, when it's surrounded by flowery and almost nonsensical happenings and well-wishing.
ECBPax: It could also mean "TRAITOR HELKSP" thanks to street names.
ECBHateMachine: Actually, "TRAITOR HELKSPYTE"
ECBKuyou: Makes as much sense as anything else in this fic. Let's not even get into how OOC it is for the entire club to just shrug at the whole 'romance' reveal here.
Haruhi ran to the clubroom, and as she ran there she started to cry. Haruhi got to the clubroom and sunk to floor next to the door, not even noticing Yuki sitting in her usual chair reading. Yuki stopped reading and walked over to the door and left the room knowing Haruhi wanted to be alone.
ECBPax: Wait, she just bolted out of class? And why is Yuki in the clubroom during classes?
ECBKuyou: Narrative convention that ignores the setting is jarring. It's bad storytelling. If you're not using the setting, don't bring it into the story. While we're on the subject, since you're not using the character either, you also shouldn't be putting them in the story....
Haruhi skipped the rest of that day's classes and just waited the day out in clubroom crying. When the school day was over Haruhi pretty much ran off towards the hospital blowing past Kyon, Mikuru, and Yuki. All three were on their way to the clubroom. When Mikuru and Kyon got there Yuki said, in her short monochromatic voice, "Haruhi has received horrible news about Tyler."
ECBKuyou: Instead of giving you a very long explanation on style, I'm just going to say: You are not ready to use stylism like that. For an author of your level 'pretty much' is forbidden to use in narration.
ECBKuyou: Maybe in a few years if we decide we can trust you with English, you can give it a shot.
ECBYoukai: Given the amount of comma neglect and tense abuse we've seen so far, we may have to keep the restraining order up for a couple of decades.
ECBYoukai: The author is not allowed within 300 yards of the English language.
ECBArakawa: And why is her voice short and monochromatic? Does the fic have synaesthesia now?
ECBEnglishNazi: I'd admit if anyone could manage that Yuki could, but really? And if she was going to skip afternoon classes anyway, why did she waste all that time lying around crying rather than, you know, going to help him earlier?
ECBKuyou: More importantly, why does Haruhi, someone who was called a person of action, even within this fic, just sit around crying all day?
ECBHateMachine: Crying is an action!
ECBKuyou: The only action that non-Male little brainwashed love-dolls are allowed, evidently.
ECBArakawa: If I were to have someone obsessively in love with me, I'd prefer that they do something more productive than mope around crying when I got in trouble.
ECBYoukai: I suspect it's interference from the real Haruhi, who's clearly the one that helped Kyon contact us about this thing in the first place.
ECBArakawa: So she may be subconsciously fighting the brainwashing. By doing nothing useful to help the Male.
ECBPax: Crying by yourself for hours is a pretty reasonable reaction to being in this story. I'm fighting the urge just by looking at it.
ECBHateMachine: If you want to write self-masturbatory fanfic where Haruhi is reduced to a brain-dead piece of meat that cares only about YOU, that's fine. It's a free country.
ECBHateMachine: ...just don't post them. Ever. Anywhere.
ECBPax: Some people need to have their fantasies validated by others. These people are always fucking creepy.
ECBHateMachine: Yes. And restraining orders are just another way to say "I love you"
What is it about I hope you know." Kyon said a little worried.
ECBArakawa: So far I give Haruhi's 'loyalty test' a C-.
ECBKt3: I, for one, am glad Kyon did not state that. Heaven forbid if he did.
ECBEnglishNazi: I don't know, Kyon. What is it about 'I hope you know'?
ECBHateMachine: I never knew Yuki's nickname was "I hope you know". You'd think they'd go with something... shorter than her actual name.
ECBYoukai: Also, why would Kyon be worried here?
ECBHateMachine: He's the Only Sane Man. Of course he's worried. He's worried that it's going to get WORSE.
ECBYoukai: He's right to be worried. Given the level of writing ability I've seen, I can't strain my credulity enough to believe that it might actually get BETTER.
ECBArakawa: ...Haruhi's behavior is especially stupid since she's Haruhi to begin with. If she actually cared about somebody, she'd bust down the Great Wall of China to help. ...and this means that the author doesn't even care about any wish fulfillment involving Haruhi, the actual character.
ECBArakawa: Instead he just wants a meat-doll with a tag saying 'Haruhi' on it for the fandom-tingles.
ECBKuyou: So the space-psycho really just wants a Haruhi-shaped-object. That's so creepy.
"I only got a picture of the message, here it is." Yuki replied throwing the message up on the computer screen.
"It looks like there is a coded message in it" Itsuki said scaring Mikuru and Kyon.
ECBEnglishNazi: She vomited the message onto the monitor?
ECBHateMachine: Welcome to the "This fic make me puke" club, Yuki.
ECBKt3: And here we have Scooby and the Gang puzzle this head-pounder of a riddle out.
ECBKuyou: Yuki, also bravely fighting the yoke of the Author's Will. Poor Yuki.
ECBPax: I'm so glad the author doesn't lust after Yuki. At least she's safe.
ECBYoukai: Man. Koizumi's a real bastard - all he has to do is state the obvious and he can frighten people.
ECBYoukai: Well, at least I can see why the author doesn't like the Brigade now. Writing about them means time away from writing about more fantasy wish-fulfillment with Haruhi.
ECBKuyou: You mean Haruhi's body.
ECBHateMachine: Don't call it a body. "Body" gives the false hope that she's died and is safe from further horror.
ECBYoukai: Is it even Haruhi's body, though? I mean, nothing about this 'Haruhi' has resembled the one in canon, so why would they even look the same?
ECBKuyou: You could be right, especially since the author gives us no descriptions to work with of the original cast beyond names.
"Yes it does have a hidden message," Yuki replied.
ECBKuyou: A hidden message. You don't say. What a shock.
ECBHateMachine: "Help me I must escape" Yuki stated "Oh I guess it's from the commas in this fic"
ECBArakawa: Hang on, has the fic at *any* point substantively shown the characters to be even the same *kind* of being they are in the original?
ECBArakawa: I mean, this Yuki is an SQL database. This Itsuki is an 'espier', whatever the hell that is.
ECBPax: Espier is a Mk. II esper, I think.
ECBArakawa: Mk. II esper -- twice as creepy as the actual Koizumi! He can scare people just by making random remarks!
ECBKuyou: And not nearly as creepy as the space-psycho.
ECBYoukai: Or is he scarring them?
ECBPax: A LOT of people in this fic can scare people with random remarks.
"Well what is it then." Kyon said annoyed at the pair.
ECBEnglishNazi: Wait. Just two lines ago he was scared. Transition your emotions!
ECBArakawa: Well, duh. He's annoyed that they scared him like that.
ECBPax: There is no emotional transition here. Ever.
ECBArakawa: Transition does not exist in the religion of the Male. Things Are and then they are Something Else.
ECBArakawa: Such Mysteries serve to distract the faithful from the True Scripture of the Male. Which, no matter how we dress it up, is a bad fanfic without any commas.
ECBYoukai: "ANNOYED!" Kyon stated in a level tone.
ECBHateMachine: Well... can you truly argue that Haruhi ISN'T dead in this fic?
ECBEnglishNazi: She's walking around. Also crying, which most undead don't.
ECBHateMachine: Can you argue that ANY of the original cast is actually in this fic? And not just non-defined vague bodies that could be anyone?
ECBEnglishNazi: Well, if this was a decent fic we could give him the benefit of the doubt that the characters named 'Haruhi', 'Kyon', etc., actually looked like Haruhi, Kyon, etc. But this guy abuses benefits of doubt.
ECBYoukai: Kyon might have been for a little while. I'm really hoping he made good his escape at the earliest possible opportunity, though.
ECBPax: "I will accomplish my mission of fantasizing about me shagging meat-puppet Haruhi, even if I have to kill her character to do it."
ECBArakawa: I think all of the actual characters fled the scene, leaving cardboard cutouts of themselves and of Haruhi so the Male won't notice.
ECBYoukai: Mmm, doesn't work. Cardboard cutouts would at least -look- the same.
ECBKuyou: It's also a question, which Kyon seems to be 'saying' instead of 'asking'. And there's a missing question mark, and--
ECBKuyou: You know what? Give up on dialog. Having your characters communicate exclusively through mimicry, or even better yet, just summarization would be a vast improvement over all dialog in this fic.
ECBYoukai: The problem is that by that standard, he should give up on all narration as well. How would he write anything at all?
ECBKuyou: I like where this is going. Because that would be a vast improvement over what we're looking at.
"It looks like the message is the capital letters. Let's see," Itsuki stated staring at the message.
Itsuki wrote down all of the capped letters;
ECBEnglishNazi: "Staring at the message," said Itsuki in a level tone.
ECBEnglishNazi: Also, you fail at semicolons again.
HSITORIAOITORIIBHEIIILKSP
ECBKuyou: Why did you bother having Itsuki say what he was going to do, and then also spell it out? Wouldn't it be more efficient to have Koizumi say what he was going to do and then simply write, 'Itsuki then wrote:' or something similar?
ECBEnglishNazi: And wow, this doesn't even make sense on your own terms.
ECBArakawa: Clearly it is a Complicated Cipher. Requiring Moar Cryptography. And ensuring Haruhi will be more likely to read it. Rather than just assuming the Male's shift key has taken on a life of its own.
ECBHateMachine: Oh, hey! Our old friend "stated" just showed up again!
ECBPax: "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE," ECBPax stated.
ECBHateMachine: This fic is not very good.
ECBEnglishNazi: In the same way that the cosmic microwave background is not very warm.
ECBPax: There is no hyperbole great enough that it actually overstates how bad this fic is.
ECBKuyou: Going back a few lines, I'm really confused at Yuki saying she 'only got a picture' of the message, since it's pretty clear from context here that she got the entire contents, as well.
ECBKuyou: "Did you get the paper?" "Only a perfect copy." What the hell?
ECBArakawa: Not to mention, Yuki would be infinitely more likely to actually be able to decipher it.
ECBYoukai: If, you know, it actually required any effort to decipher.
ECBEnglishNazi: Yuki already did, she just refuses on principle to do anything which might help the Male. Good job, Yuki!
He then states, "Now take out the necessary capitals and add a space."
ECBKuyou: Amazingly enough, this makes sense, and yet, you managed to deliver it in a way that comes across as, "I can make up any bullshit I want." I guess I should say, 'this made sense before you got to it.'
ECBKuyou: Instead of 'taking out the necessary capitals' maybe just 'take all the inappropriate capitals'? Seriously, there were better ways to do this.
ECBYoukai: Wait, Koizumi's now a time traveler? He was in the past, then suddenly he's in the present!
ECBEnglishNazi: He's doing it RIGHT NOW. AS WE SPEAK.
ECBArakawa: Wow, I can also take out the necessary capitals, and then add some more necessary capitals, and then add a bunch of spaces: THIS FIC SUCKS
ECBKuyou: I think your decryption is superior.
TRAITOR HELP
ECBKuyou: The entire ECB is willing to help this traitor against Tyler. Just tell us where and when -- we're more than prepared to introduce a space psycho mind-rapist to our good friends, Mr. Crowbar and Sir Tire Iron.
ECBKuyou: And we also decoded the message much, much sooner.
"He's asking for our help." Mikuru asked.
ECBPax: You ask with questions. Mikuru is stating.
ECBEnglishNazi: So...wait. Is it a statement or a question? You're being inconsistent. And either way, it's superfluous, because it's COMPLETELY BLOODY FUCKING OBVIOUS.
ECBArakawa: Who cares? Mikuru is either stating the obvious, or can't tell what the message says.
ECBYoukai: Brain damage.
ECBKuyou: Somewhere, the English language lies insensate, 'alive' only by the virtue of the life-support machines that maintain its vegetative existence. And it's all thanks to you, author.
"Seems to be that way Mrs. Asahina." Itsuki said
ECBEnglishNazi: Koizumi is now manifesting the Spontaneous Marriage power. As well as the ability to omit periods.
ECBArakawa: Also the Incredible Obviousness power. THESE TWO LINES OF DIALOGUE SERVE NO GODDAMN PURPOSE
ECBKuyou: They do serve a purpose. They remind us that these two characters exist. It's just that....
ECBArakawa: IF YOU DO NOT LIKE WRITING THESE CHARACTERS THEN WHY DO YOU PROLONG THEIR SCENE LIKE THIS
ECBKuyou: Yeah. That. It would be much, much more effective to cut them.
ECBYoukai: Like I said earlier: masturbatory self-insert wish fulfillment/gratification.
ECBHateMachine: It's a masturbatory piece of drivel, hammered out by an idiot! And that insults drivel and idiots!
ECBArakawa: I would like these lines to also prove that these characters are not 90-year old cross-dressers.
ECBKuyou: That, they cannot do.
ECBYoukai: You know, that might actually make this more bearable. That could be why all the girls seem to be married - they're just assuming they are since they're all shriveled up old crones.
"Let's hurry she could be running into a trap" Kyon said starting for, but was quickly stopped by Yuki.
ECBKuyou: Starting for what?
ECBPax: Kyon was stopped in mid-narration by Yuki, apparently.
ECBEnglishNazi: This guy keeps running his sentences together and then hoping that they work together as one longer sentence. Which is kind of like crashing two buses into each other at top speed and hoping they work as one longer bus.
ECBKuyou: Don't get me wrong, I'm glad Yuki's trying to stop Tyler from getting any help-- I can't wait to see that guy die.
ECBKuyou: But why is Kyon consistently being shown as a concerned, generally supportive character? If this fic is supposed to bash him, why does he continually come across as reasonable pretty much every time he shows up?
ECBArakawa: It's apparently not so much about shipping with Haruhi, as it is also about spiting Kyon in the process. Because evidently the author cares about Kyon's character more than Haruhi's.
ECBKuyou: Kyon's just being a relatively cool guy, and one who -- surprisingly -- is looking out for his friends.
ECBYoukai: Kyon's the most sympathetic character in the entire story.
ECBKuyou: I get that he cares about Tyler because Tyler causes area-of-effect brain-damage and mind-rape, and everyone loves Tyler, because the autho-- because Tyler is so cool. But this is just failing to deliver on what it said it was.
ECBArakawa: It even says in the summary that "Major Kyon Beatings" will happen. If it's in the summary like that, I assume it's a central component of the fic.
ECBKuyou: There's no buildup for a tear-down. There's no setup for a later payoff.
ECBHateMachine: The author can't even do a bashfic properly. It's easy!
ECBHateMachine: "You know, I really hate Kyon, that simpering wimp!" Haruhi said, then molested Mikuru, causing the timid girl to sob brokenly.
ECBHateMachine: SEE? EASY!
ECBEnglishNazi: Hey, look, you wrote a better bash fic than this author can! Despite the fact that it's only one sentence long!
ECBYoukai: Usually, if you want to bash a character, you want to cast them in the most negative possible light, so the reader is inclined to agree with your reasoning for punishing them.
ECBYoukai: That said, bashfics are almost never good, since it's just another form of wish-fulfillment - "I hate this character, so you should too!"
ECBEnglishNazi: I've seen good bashfics. Or at least, good fics that happen to bash characters. It can, occasionally, be a legitimate creative decision.
ECBYoukai: Good fics that happen to bash characters happen.
ECBEnglishNazi: Of course, nothing in this fic can see 'legitimate creative decision' with the Hubble Space Telescope.
ECBHateMachine: But bad fics that try to bash characters and end up making them look like the best character in the fic... That's a new one on me.
"No she must face this with no help." She states stopping Kyon dead in his tracks.
ECBPax: Considering her hours-long sob-fest, it looks like Haruhi's well on her way to resolving the problem.
ECBEnglishNazi: Yuki is now also divinity. Divinity who just came up with this out of fucking nowhere.
ECBKuyou: He was stopped by Yuki. And then she stopped him again.
ECBKuyou: Yuki: Now with DOUBLE the stopping power!
ECBHateMachine: Oh, hey. It's "states", not "stated", but I'm going to count it.
ECBKuyou: So, Yuki understands enough of what's going on to avoid interfering. This must mean that even despite her canon desire to protect Haruhi (and Kyon) from trouble, she understands that everything is going to work out.
ECBArakawa: Or she just thinks Haruhi is a lost case. And is focusing all her energies on making sure Kyon doesn't also fall to the Male.
ECBKuyou: Well, if she's still looking out for Kyon, that's something.
"Besides Kyon there is no hospital on that hazard street." Itsuki said in calm voice.
ECBPax: So Kyon is now a hospital.
ECBEnglishNazi: What, precisely, is a 'hazard street'?
ECBPax: A hazard street is one in which you jump the General Lee off of makeshift ramps to escape The Law.
ECBHateMachine: Well, it was about this time that the Suzimiyas started to figure they had a problem....
ECBYoukai: Old Boss Tyler was up to no good, causin' more brain damage.
ECBPax: I'm thinking this is going to end with an angry sheriff and his old hound dog crashing their tandem bicycle into the river. "DAGNABBIT!"
ECBEnglishNazi: I'm choosing to interpret 'hazard street' as 'any street currently occupied by the Male'. Hazards include brain damage, spontaneous inability to grammar, and wildly inappropriate love confessions.
ECBArakawa: And Kyon beatings.
ECBKuyou: Protip: When using words, try and choose ones that make sense. In this case 'hazard' can't fit in any way except 'hilarious'.
With Haruhi, a few minutes after the conversation in clubroom
ECBHateMachine: And a few minutes after she's spent a few hours sobbing. Sobbing over someone she's known... what, two days?
ECBEnglishNazi: You know, it would really help if you had scene breaks. I know FFnet makes that unnecessarily difficult, but thousands of authors have found ways around it! You can too!
Haruhi gets to Kíkén Street and looks for the hospital. She ran down the sidewalk not paying any mind to her surroundings till she tripped over something. Looked back at what had tripped her and saw Tyler lying there barely conscious. She said with tears in her eyes and smile on her face, "Tyler. Why are you out here and not in the hospital?"
ECBKuyou: all of my what the fuck
ECBYoukai: What the ring-tailed rambling -hell-.
ECBKuyou: I don't even know where to begin with this train-wreck of a paragraph.
ECBKuyou: Sir, let me explain to you that I am a paragon of hate. Not by my own description, but a title I have earned from giving scathing reviews across the last decade and a half. In all of that time writing (and reading) vitriolic reviews, I have never found any magical combination of words, quotes, even mystical symbols of elder gods, that allows me to put the amount of hate I feel for you right now into something that can be expressed in any two-dimensional format. My disgust for you and this fic has achieved a non-Euclidean form.
ECBPax: I think we've reached the state where the hate for this fic has morphed into shapes that can only be described as "Lovecraftian."
ECBKuyou: I don't know if that's even possible. BRAVO, SIR.
ECBHateMachine: Tenses. So. Many. Tenses. Sentence fragments.
ECBArakawa: The what street? Let's begin with "Kiken" being Japanese for Danger. Which explains what the deal was with 'hazard street'. But doesn't explain why the hell anyone would name a street that way. How would you like to go to a hospital located on Malpractice Road?
ECBHateMachine: Bad punctuation. Horrible grammar. Horrible EVERYTHING. As much as I complained about the "See Haruhi. See Haruhi talk. See Haruhi fall in love!" crap sentences earlier, I'd rather you'd stuck with them over crap like this.
ECBYoukai: Okay. So the autho-- "Tyler", that is, was shot at the end of the last chapter and sends a ridiculously long text with a 'secret' message encoded in it that a six-year-old could decipher.
ECBYoukai: Haruhi receives this message, then promptly spends -all day- in the clubroom crying.
ECBYoukai: While the autho-- "Tyler" is LAYING ON THE SIDEWALK BLEEDING TO DEATH.
ECBArakawa: Well, the author writes like a six-year-old. Why would his cryptography be any more advanced?
ECBYoukai: Six-year-olds have a better grasp of medicine than this.
ECBArakawa: Many six-year-olds are better at telling stories, for that matter.
ECBYoukai: On one side, this fic. On the other side, Axe Cop - which is written by a five-year old. One of these is hugely popular.
ECBHateMachine: If we start talking about things better than this fic, we'll never stop. We will literally have to talk about every other thing on the planet.
ECBPax: Stepping on a Lego is better than this fic. I banged my shin on the coffee table in the dark, and my reaction was "Thank God I'm not reading Greastest right now."
"Haruhi the message," he states in a weak voice.
ECBKuyou: Haruhi the message? Is that any relation to Ashley the problem?
ECBHateMachine: Let me give you a series of words: mumbles, whispers, sighs, whimpers, calls, exclaims... It took me five seconds to think those up. Please, buy a damn thesaurus and use it before you write anything ever again.
ECBArakawa: I really wouldn't trust the guy with a thesaurus. Imagine the exact same fic, just with randomly mutated vocabulary.
ECBYoukai: I wouldn't trust the guy with a sheet of paper. He might write something on it.
ECBKuyou: You can't really fault any potential pre-readers for saying, "I don't want to read this masturbatory piece of crap." Though logically, if the author was mad about having to write a first chapter when he didn't want to ... someone must have to point out he needed to write it.
ECBKuyou: Mysterious pre-reader, you have my pity. As far as I can tell, the author didn't even thank you.
ECBYoukai: No, but I can fault Tyle-- the author for publishing it anyway.
ECBKuyou: What shall we put on the tomb of the unknown pre-reader?
ECBPax: All the commas.
ECBYoukai: That'll be quite a cairn.
ECBKuyou: Or proceed directly to 'never write again'.
"Yes I got your message." She said hugging him.
ECBKuyou: Haruhi: "I then chose to wait and hope you would bleed to death, freeing me from your mind-control."
ECBKuyou: Good job trying anyway, Haruhi. Unfortunately, the author avatar has immunity. I'm just curious how Haruhi expected to find anything if she was paying no mind to her surroundings. But, whatever.
ECBHateMachine: Wait.
ECBHateMachine: Wait. Wait. Wait.
ECBHateMachine: Did we EVER get a description of what he actually looks like right now?
ECBEnglishNazi: 'lying there barely conscious'.
ECBHateMachine: I'm mean, I'm assuming that Tyler's bleeding to death in a horribly painful manner. Are we sure he's not just drunk? Like, REALLY drunk?
ECBKuyou: That would also render him 'barely conscious'. We have no way to really tell!
"No. Speed . . . call . . . two. Use this." He said before passing. Haruhi looked at the strangely shaped cell phone and quickly called the number by holding it down.
ECBPax: Before passing? He's dead, then.
ECBEnglishNazi: So wait. He's capable of speaking. He's capable of manipulating his phone. And yet, hours ago, when he was wounded, he chose not to call actual medical help, but to send a stupidly long text message to Haruhi, with an even stupider message encoded in it.
ECBEnglishNazi: And then, when Haruhi arrived, hours later, he chose to do nothing but tell her to call for the medical help he could have just gotten for himself.
ECBHateMachine: That's... that's some awesome super spy work there.
ECBArakawa: By the way, it's called speed "dial".
ECBPax: Spies apparently keep their other covert contacts on speed-dial.
ECBArakawa: On extremely weird-looking, conspicuous alien phones.
ECBKuyou: What 'strangely shaped cell phone'? The item hasn't been introduced yet, until this paragraph -- where it's treated as though we should be familiar with it.
ECBEnglishNazi: This fic is reducing me to a state of constant, headachey, teeth-grinding hatred which I only rarely achieve. Usually when contemplating major genocides or evil dictators. Congratulations, Author, you are, by my oh-so-objective standard, as bad as Hitler.
Someone picked up on the other line and said, "Hello Alexander speaking."
ECBYoukai: Wait, his last name is Speaking now?
ECBPax: No, that's not Alexander speaking, that's Haruhi speaking.
ECBEnglishNazi: "No, I'm not Alexander Speaking, I'm Haruhi. Who's this?"
ECBKuyou: Picked up on the other line?
ECBHateMachine: What about the line Haruhi's on?
ECBKuyou: So if I follow, Haruhi called someone, and someone else who had a cell phone which evidently ... shared a line ... picked up their own phone while she was still dialing outbound?
ECBArakawa: If you're saying "someone", that implies it's a character we haven't met before.
Haruhi states in a urgent tone of voice, "Alexander help Tyler is badly injured. We're on Kíkén Street. Hurry he has been losing blood!"
ECBKuyou: He's been losing blood? Why wasn't this ever described, I don't know, in narration?
ECBHateMachine: He's been losing it in a dice game!
ECBKuyou: Don't get me wrong -- I would love lurid depictions of this character suffering and bleeding to death. The space-psycho mind-rapist dying? I would put up with more of this fic to see that in greater detail! I really would!
ECBYoukai: I know. I was really disappointed that he didn't when Haruhi, the action girl, got his message and went off to the clubroom to sob all day long.
ECBArakawa: Now that I think of it, why do you need weird accent marks on 'Kiken'? Wait, could those possibly be some of our missing commas?
"Mrs. Suzumiya I'll be there in a few minutes. Don't move him, and keep pressure on the wound." Alexander replies before hanging up.
ECBKuyou: Tense shift.
ECBYoukai: I have a feeling that the auth-- "Tyler" may not just cause brain damage, he might also be a carrier.
ECBHateMachine: What wound? Where? Is it painful? Is it potentially lethal?
ECBPax: I hope so.
ECBKuyou: Alexander's diagnosis, over the phone, is that it is a single wound that can be aided with pressure, using no more description than 'has been losing blood'? That's astounding. I kind of want to read the adventures of Dr. Alexander much more than this fic.
ECBYoukai: He can take enough time to send a six page text to Haruhi with a 'secret' message encoded in it... but he can't manage to call his brother himself?
ECBPax: If he were captured and beaten or whatever, why did they let him keep his phone?
ECBHateMachine: Maybe he really did fall off his bike. I mean, it's got to be difficult to ride a tandem bike by yourself.
ECBYoukai: And I know it's kind of traditional for villains to carry the idiot ball, particularly in spy stories, but seriously. At least have them cook up some elaborate and easily-foiled plan if the hero's going to live. If you're going to shoot the spy, just shoot him in the head and make sure he's actually dead.
ECBHateMachine: That makes the assumption that there's anything in his head to damage.
ECBKuyou: Point.
Haruhi went down to Tyler and started to put pressure on the knee wound. Still crying she said, "Come on Tyler. Please don't die on me. I love you too much to let you die. Please don't die." When she finished her statement she heard car screeching along the ground. Haruhi continued, "Come on stay with me Tyler. Please. I love you too much to have you die on me now. A few more moments please stay with me, please. I love you!" When she finished with this statement she was being pushed out of the way by someone. She tried to get back to Tyler's side, but another person stopped her by stepping in front of her and hugging her letting her calm down asking/stating;
ECBArakawa: I notice I've given up on distinguishing between the author and his character. Completely.
ECBPax: He's going to bleed out from a knee wound? Also, 'asking/stating'? Decide.
ECBHateMachine: And I'd like to point out that she's only known him... at best three days. They say love is blind. In this case, I think love is blind, mute, deaf, crippled, and possibly dead.
ECBYoukai: I hope it's dead. This certainly seems like a shambling undead mockery of it.
ECBKuyou: So he sends an epic text, but doesn't bother to, say, put a tourniquet on his leg?
ECBArakawa: This is the 'test' he was referring to. Again, my personal opinion is that Haruhi failed.
ECBKuyou: I disagree. Haruhi is trying to break free of his mind-control. It's not a test of her, it's Tyler testing how strong the mental enslavement is.
ECBArakawa: Or, perhaps he is stupid enough to risk bleeding out to death to test Haruhi's loyalty to him.
ECBPax: My regard for Yuki has increased a bit, since she's suggesting that nobody help stop the Male from bleeding out on the sidewalk.
ECBHateMachine: "When she finished her statement." And then... the car was THERE. At normal talking speed, that's less than a minute. They were waiting nearby.
"Mrs. Suzumiya please clam down he is going to be fine. Let Alexander do his job. Hush now little one there is need to threat he will be fine."
ECBEnglishNazi: Clam down?
ECBYoukai: No need to threat? Haruhi's got every reason in the world to 'threat' someone in this.
ECBPax: How condescending can they get, really? I mean, ignoring all the bullshit spelling, "Hush now little one?" Aren't these assholes all about the same age?
ECBKuyou: Mentally, Haruhi's probably only five at this point. The mental trauma was pretty severe.
ECBHateMachine: This fic is already creepy enough. I mean, we've never had a description that says what age they are. ....argh, now I'm even MORE creeped out by this crap-fest.
ECBYoukai: So we can add pedophilia to the rap sheet for this abomination of a fic.
ECBKuyou: Our 'hero' is not remotely heroic, is he? In fact, this Tyler/Conit character is pretty despicable.
Haruhi looked up to see who comforting her. It was Veronica Mada the other Italian of the group. Veronica continued, "Hush now little one he will be fine. Alexander has medical training. You were smart to call him and not one of the others. Including me and that was a smart call."
ECBPax: Who comforting her, indeed.
ECBEnglishNazi: Well, you were apparently all together anyway, so it's not like it would matter. And Haruhi didn't make that decision, the Male did.
ECBYoukai: Well yes. Haruhi's too brain-damaged to make any decisions herself.
ECBEnglishNazi: And even if she had, it's not as if she knew Alexander was a medic, so it wouldn't have been 'smart', it would have been the luck of the draw.
ECBKuyou: Why repeat that Haruhi was smart?
ECBPax: Haruhi used a phone like a Big Girl!
ECBKuyou: Oh, right. Because she was following the Male's orders.
ECBHateMachine: You know who else has medical training? Doctors. At hospitals. Who you can call ON THE PHONE.
ECBKuyou: Honestly, the real genius of this fic is it's impossible to tell who's more stupid. There's so much going around that there's no way to see any glimmer of intelligence at all.
ECBYoukai: See, Veronica's helping to reinforce the mental conditioning here. Haruhi would just commit suicide if she realized how much brain damage she's actually suffered, so Veronica is just trying to make her feel better about it. "See? You're smart!"
ECBHateMachine: "I'm going to put this drawing on the fridge with the rest!"
"He told me to dial Alexander. That was before he passed out." Haruhi said still crying not as much before.
ECBHateMachine: No, he told you to "speed call"
ECBPax: How can you "still cry not as much as before" exactly?
ECBKuyou: 'still crying not as much before' is a phrase that is about as awkward as explaining to the police why you're wearing nothing more than a jar of peanut butter at a kindergarten playground.
ECBHateMachine: It's more awkward than ten thousand nerds asking out ten thousand cheerleaders to homecoming.
ECBEnglishNazi: The hind-brain reflexes of decent authors do a better job of prose writing than you do.
ECBKuyou: The hind-brains of a million monkeys at a million typewriters probably would, too.
ECBEnglishNazi: That would certainly be less painful to read.
Surprised at this Veronica asked, "Did he tell you anything else?"
ECBYoukai: Surprised at this Veronica? There's another one here? I guess I'd be surprised too.
ECBYoukai: "Wait, since when are you twins?"
ECBKuyou: I fully expect if there were any twins, it would be Haruhi's long-lost twin-sister. Who was from planet Nyancat.
ECBYoukai: Nyancat five (the five Is Lowercase.)
ECBKuyou: And Tyler's mission would be to hook up with both of them. That's about the level of writing we're dealing with here.
ECBYoukai: It's been hammered a lot already, but with you apparently never enough. Try out a comma every now and then.
"Yea he said 'the message' I thought I knew what he meant, but he might have meant something else." Haruhi replied while breaking off from the hug sitting down on the sidewalk. She is crying just a little now.
ECBArakawa: Yea, for the Faithful are here to receive the Message.
ECBYoukai: So Haruhi received more Holy Writ from the Male.
ECBKuyou: To this day, Haruhi still weeps to think of how close she came to escaping the Male.
ECBHateMachine: So... the hug is sitting down on the sidewalk? Also, tenses.
ECBEnglishNazi: The colliding-buses theory of sentence construction, tenses switching around, dangling modifiers which would be unintentionally hilarious if they weren't in the middle of this fic, and a completely useless utterance from Haruhi.
Veronica sat down beside Haruhi and asked, "What message? This is important Haruhi. What message was he talking about?"
"I don't know, but he had sent me a message earlier today," Haruhi said getting out her phone to show Veronica the message.
Veronica read the message gasped saying under her breath, "This was no accident, and it was an attack."
ECBPax: No, this is speaking Haruhi. Important Haruhi is elsewhere.
ECBHateMachine: Hopefully getting very drunk so she doesn't have to think about what's happening to "her" in this fic.
ECBKuyou: Important Haruhi, meet speaking Alexander. He is a very good medic.
ECBArakawa: He possesses the power of magically diagnosing injuries over the phone.
ECBYoukai: And teleportation.
ECBEnglishNazi: Speaking Haruhi knows the past perfect. And uses it at inappropriate times.
ECBKuyou: It was no accident AND it was an attack? Well, crap, thanks for pointing that out, author.
ECBKuyou: Sarcasm aside, seeing as it's impossible for something to be an accident and an attack (because that's, you know, intentional instead of accidental), we kind of already knew that. It could be worth pointing out that Veronica may have made the mistake and is being stupid, but I'm thinking that's author error, not character error.
Alexander walked over and states, "I did what I could. He lost about a two and half pints of blood slowly though. It didn't kill him instantly, but if he had lost anymore he would be better off dead. The pain would have tremendous. As for his broken leg it should be better in an hour. Nothing bigger than a small break in the kneecap and minor cuts on his back from the crash and burn. Veronica what is wrong you look like he just died." Veronica got and whispered in his ear the message.
ECBYoukai: His broken leg should be better in an hour.
ECBKuyou: I'm starting to doubt Alexander's credibility as a doctor. Why is he pointing out that Tyler wasn't killed instantly? We kind of got that from the hours that Haruhi spent crying pointlessly while the author's character was bleeding to death.
ECBKuyou: Yes, we know he didn't die instantly. Even though we wish otherwise.
ECBPax: How is he recovering from being kneecapped in an hour? Right, adding another superpower to the list.
ECBEnglishNazi: Infinite blood, magic healing, and super-speed texting.
ECBKuyou: Let's not even go into how many words are missing from that paragraph. And also, Alexander mentioned a 'crash and burn'?
ECBEnglishNazi: Where's the 'burn'?
ECBKuyou: What exactly did Tyler 'crash'?
ECBEnglishNazi: He crashed a bike, apparently.
ECBKuyou: Or is this whole thing ... let me wrap my head around this. The super-spy was nearly killed in a lethal ... bicycle not-accident? How the hell does this even work?
ECBHateMachine: Everyone knows that bicycles are nature's perfect death machines!
ECBKuyou: Moreover, why is he lying on the street, not helping himself, and just sending a text to Haruhi? Well, no-- Why is no one in Japan stopping to help the guy who (over about four hours) is bleeding to death on the street?
ECBKuyou: In my mind it's because they all hate him as much as we do. But somehow, I think the story has a different reason.
ECBHateMachine: Duh, Japan is very sparsely populated!
ECBArakawa: And has lots of gun crime. Their density of gun crime per capita must be just staggering.
ECBKuyou: And the author fails to tell his story by not telling us.
"We have to get back to house immediately, and bring Mrs. Suzumiya with us. Right now it is too dangerous for us to be out. Hurry into the car." Alexander exclaimed as he got Tyler up off the ground was running for the car.
ECBKuyou: How dangerous can it be? Tyler laid there for four+ hours and no one came to finish him off. You'd think it would be trivial.
ECBEnglishNazi: They have to get back to House? Is he a better doctor than Alexander?
ECBPax: Hurry, there's not a moment to lose! After four hours of bleeding on the sidewalk.
ECBHateMachine: "up off the ground was running for the car"
ECBHateMachine: What. Just.... What.
ECBPax: The ground was running for the car.
ECBYoukai: Haven't you heard? Those earthquakes in Japan are something else.
Two hours later, the rental house, Tyler's room
ECBEnglishNazi: I'm not even going to harp on the horrible method of scene transitioning again.
ECBYoukai: I can't even summon up the effort anymore.
ECBEnglishNazi: Just know that's not the way to do it.
Tyler sat up quickly taking in his surroundings and noticed that he been moved from he was attacked to the rented bedroom. He saw Haruhi in a chair across the room fast asleep. He went for his communicator on the nightstand, but couldn't do to the straps either down or up his legs.
ECBYoukai: He was attacked all the way to the rented bedroom. That attack certainly crossed some distance.
ECBArakawa: It even crossed the distance between parts of speech.
ECBEnglishNazi: So what, he got there by getting punched foot by foot? I hope that happened.
ECBKuyou: Down or up, which one? Maybe just 'across' or 'on'?
ECBKuyou: Also, I like how brain-washed Haruhi fights the mind-rape to sit on a chair across the room, not lie down next to the bed, like she did for Kyon in Disappearance. Fight on, Haruhi!
ECBPax: True. Haruhi pre-brainwashing loved Kyon more than she loves the Male even after being subjected to relentless mind rape.
ECBHateMachine: Two hours. She couldn't stay awake two hours?
ECBKuyou: Crying evidently is exhausting.
ECBHateMachine: Also, I notice they apparently only rent the bedroom.
ECBHateMachine: I guess the rest of the house is leased?
– Left is being held down and right is being suspended –
ECBArakawa: Does this refer to the two halves of the author's brain? I think the two halves of the author's brain just tried to rebel against the author and ceased functioning.
ECBEnglishNazi: Because we really needed to know that. Good to know you have a sense of what to describe. The only thing we know about the main character is still his height and his name, but at least we know which leg is immobilized in which way!
ECBHateMachine: What is this, a game of Twister?
ECBKuyou: Only one of his legs was injured. Why are both restrained?
He laid back down thinking, 'I can't move, at least Haruhi is ok. I don't know what I would have done if she got injured in my attempt to keep her safe. She ran for me. Not away she is truly in love with me. I must find the traitor again and give her a piece of my mind. Or of my fist to her head.'
ECBKuyou: Not for the first time, the fic's batshit insane nonsense quotient has exceeded my capacity to determine where to try and navigate to the light of reason from this mire of madness.
ECBYoukai: Delusional much? She didn't run for you. She ran to the clubroom and did nothing.
ECBPax: "Not away she is truly in love with me."
ECBKuyou: That's pretty much Jim Carrey Cable Guy logic.
ECBEnglishNazi: And in what universe was sending her an obtusely long text with an obtusely short 'hidden' message an "attempt to keep her safe"?
ECBHateMachine: Also, attempting to help an injured person doesn't mean they love you. It just means they're not a horrible human being.
ECBYoukai: Actually, wanting to help the injured Male -would- make them a horrible human being.
ECBHateMachine: I want to help him bleed out. Does that mean I'm in love with the Male, too?
ECBPax: So, my faith in humanity is bolstered somewhat that the Male was left to bleed for hours on the sidewalk.
ECBKuyou: Well, Yuki's a paragon, then. She tried to help get the Male killed to free Haruhi.
Haruhi stirred and saw that Tyler was awake. She walked over to him and asked him, "Are you ok Tyler. You were heavily injured."
ECBKuyou: Tyler: "I hadn't noticed. I mean, I just felt fine, so I even texted you."
ECBHateMachine: He broke his leg. That's not heavily injured. I've seen football players WIN GAMES with that kind of injury!
ECBKuyou: He broke his leg and lost 2.5 pints of blood. How knee breaking leads to blood loss is beyond me.
ECBYoukai: And was still conscious when she arrived four hours later.
ECBArakawa: So he has infinite blood. It was just a flesh wound! Wait...
ECBEnglishNazi: So we can add "trauma medicine" to the list of "things this author doesn't know anything about".
ECBHateMachine: Why don't we just start a list of things he DOES know about?
ECBEnglishNazi: It's going to be an empty file.
"As long as you are okay, I'm okay. As it stands when I was hurt I could only think of you, and how I would miss you if I died right there." He said raspy voice, "Where is Alexander or Nate I have to tell them something important."
ECBKuyou: "I don't want to die alone, YOU SHOULD COME WITH ME!" Have I mentioned that the space-psycho mind-rapist was a creepy, creepy thing? Because it's worth mentioning, he is creeping me right the fuck out.
ECBHateMachine: Why is his voice raspy? Have they been shoving files down his throat to try and kill him?
ECBKuyou: Protip: You meant to use 'rasped', or 'with a rasping voice'.
ECBYoukai: "I would totes miss you if I died. Now, be a good bitch and run out to get my homies."
ECBHateMachine: "But not the girls. The girls are icky and have COOTIES!"
ECBEnglishNazi: "As long as you are okay, I'm okay." The one literate-sounding sentence in that whole line, and attributing the sentiment to the Male grievously insults a whole lot of much better characters by association.
ECBKuyou: Well, we do know that the traitor is one of the girls. And there are only two of them.
ECBHateMachine: In order to form plans to betray him, they'd have to THINK first. And, obviously, girls can't do that! Their little brains would overheat and explode!
"I don't want to leave your side not now and not ever." Haruhi said hugging Tyler. She was worried about and still wearing her school uniform.
ECBHateMachine: Ever. EVER. She's going to be there for all eternity. When he's sleeping. When he's eating. When he's regretting that $50 of Taco Bell he ate last night.
ECBHateMachine: Because that's TWOO WUV!
ECBEnglishNazi: She was worried about her school uniform?
ECBPax: Even if the grammar weren't awful, it's still a completely unrelated detail thrown into the sentence for no good reason at all.
ECBYoukai: Description should not be an afterthought, ever. It's not always necessary (like here; it's reasonable to assume she's in her school uniform, since she came from school), but if it's important enough to mention, give it the space that it requires.
ECBYoukai: Not just "oh yeah and she was in her school uniform".
"Could you at least you call down the hall for Nate he usually never leaves his room." He asked pleadingly
ECBHateMachine: "You're getting clingy, ho! Get off me! The Ty-man's gotta keep it real!"
ECBPax: Asking with periods. Keepin' it real. Dammit Tyblerone! Get your shit together!
ECBKuyou: Why use such painfully bad and mechanical constructions such as 'he asked pleadingly', when you can just use 'he pleaded'?
ECBEnglishNazi: Because he's a bad author. Duh.
ECBHateMachine: At least he didn't state it pleadingly.
ECBKuyou: Small miracles.
ECBPax: He has to specify that he's asking since his punctuation doesn't tell us this.
ECBYoukai: I know you want to try to offer helpful advice, ECBKuyou, and that isn't bad. But that's like giving a six-year-old tips for the GRE.
"Ok, but I am going to leave this room." She replied jumping up and ran to the door. Once she had her head out the door she yelled, "Nate come here quickly!"
ECBKuyou: I swear, this thing reads like some percentage of the words were just ripped out, utterly at random.
ECBArakawa: I think the various elements of the writing are fleeing the fic. First the commas. Now random other words.
ECBKuyou: She ... is going to leave the room?
ECBEnglishNazi: She didn't. She didn't even come particularly close.
ECBYoukai: She now thinks that sticking her head outside is actually leaving the room.
ECBHateMachine: Oh, poor Haruhi. That brain damage is getting worse all the time....
ECBPax: Does that count as leaving his side? I thought that wasn't going to happen "not now not ever."
ECBYoukai: Well, short term memory loss is a symptom of brain damage.
Hearing this Nate run out of his room, where he was working on a special project, and down the hall to Tyler's room. He got in room and asked, "\What is it Mrs. Suzumiya?"
ECBKuyou: Tenses. Again. Pick one and commit. It's not that hard.
ECBHateMachine: "It" is a pronoun, Nate. And why do we care about your special project?
ECBYoukai: I'm tempted to make a joke about the 'special project', but all I can think of is improvements to the mind-rape device. And my brain screams at the idea.
ECBKuyou: Odds on this 'special project' being a dropped thread?
ECBYoukai: Nope. I'm not going to just give you my money like that.
ECBHateMachine: I'm sure it'll come up again in Chapter seven. (The seven is Lowercase.)
ECBKuyou: Also, super-spy has no bro-points. His friend/ally is at last conscious, and he ignores the guy to pay attention to the girl he's stated that he wants to kill?
ECBEnglishNazi: We already know they're the Anti-Nakama.
ECBKuyou: That's for damn sure.
"Idiot I called for you. I may be lying down but don't count me out yet." Tyler states with a smile.
ECBKuyou: Very Anti-Nakama.
ECBYoukai: No no, it's okay! He was smiling when he said it!
ECBEnglishNazi: See, that could be a convincing vitriolic-best-buds relationship, if Nate hadn't already threatened everyone else in the room with death.
ECBPax: States. I hate states. Why does it always have to be states?
"Sorry sir, what is it that you needed?" He stated giving salute before relaxing.
ECBYoukai: Well, this fic definitely has no moving parts. It's solid state all the way. And it's definitely not moving its readers, except possibly to the bathroom to vomit.
ECBKuyou: Should be 'was' or 'need' (but don't change both). Or perhaps, better, change both of them into deleting the entire fic.
ECBHateMachine: Yes, yes.
"First off how about a glass of water and second the name of the traitor who attacked me in streets." Tyler replied with a raspy voice.
ECBEnglishNazi: He attacked you 'in streets'? So...he was wearing them?
ECBPax: There's the raspy voice again.
ECBEnglishNazi: I'm assuming his voice is abrasive and made of steel, here.
ECBKuyou: What? Tyler thinks that Nate already has the name of the traitor? Because he just told Nate to get it. Well, Tyler clearly doesn't know who betrayed him beyond the 'female' part. That's why he ordered Nate to figure out who it was.
ECBHateMachine: It's a traitor, it's a girl, there's only two girls with your Wal-Mart Super Spy Mercenaries from Nyancat five (the five is Lowercase), so....
"Yes sir I will be right back." Nate states before going to fetch the glass of water.
ECBKuyou: Now, this is just stupid. If Tyler wanted to confer with his fellow super-spy, why not have Haruhi get the water?
ECBEnglishNazi: Because Haruhi won't leave his side. "Not now, not ever", or however this less-literate fic put it.
ECBKuyou: I mean, she loves him and wants to help, right? So she could get water while Important Spy-business happened? Or if she cared, she could have had a glass of water ready for when he woke up! Or is she too brain-damaged to do anything but stand there and drool vacantly?
ECBKuyou: Oooooor....
ECBKuyou: Does Tyler realize that Haruhi's fighting the brainwashing, and doesn't send her away where it might be weaker, or she could poison the water? Or even better, is Haruhi refusing to get water because she still wants him to die so she can escape? Fight on, Haruhi! Fight on!
"I am glad to someone is up so they may tell my name, but I can't have you doing just that Tyler." A voice stated after the door was shut and the footsteps had faded.
ECBArakawa: "I am glad to..." "... someone is up?"
ECBEnglishNazi: ...Is that a sentence? I don't think that's a sentence.
ECBYoukai: It's some sort of mutant mockery of dialogue. How it survived this long is a mystery.
ECBKuyou: A voice belonging to a traitor that spent the 4 hours that Tyler was very, very slowly bleeding to death from a broken knee and the two hours he was in bed (even though his leg would heal in one, and thus, no longer needs to be in traction gear) ... hiding behind the door? In the closet?
ECBKuyou: Instead of just finishing him off in the streets. None of these spies are any good at their jobs.
ECBPax: He's glad that someone is awake to tell his name, but he can't have them tell his name. Why be glad, then?
ECBKuyou: I'm firmly convinced that the administration of Nyancat five 'assigned' them to Earth just to get the idiots away from their planet.
ECBArakawa: I said that back in chapter one!
ECBKuyou: Then I'm agreeing with you. It's the only thing that makes sense.
ECBYoukai: There's only one problem with that hypothesis. It assumes any sort of rational thinking process that actually makes sense occurring in something created by this author.
"You're the traitor!" Haruhi gasped out. All Tyler could do was look intently at his assailant.
ECBYoukai: How does Haruhi even know there was a traitor? With her brain damage, she never did work out the 'secret' message.
ECBKuyou: Haruhi's declaration is utterly pointless. She doesn't really know any of the characters other than Tyler for it to be meaningful. It would be more profound if she were to say something like, "Don't hurt him!" or, "I'll protect you!"
ECBKuyou: Is Tyler's intent gaze his brain-washing beam? Is he attempting to fry the traitor's mind? Also note that Tyler needs to be 'assaulted' for the person doing it to be labeled 'assailant'.
Look, I know that I did not reveal the traitor's name here buy I needed a cliffhanger but do not fear I have not forgotten about the other club members. I wanted to so the love between Haruhi and my OC Conit Fiset (Tyler Ensis). There will be Kyon beatings later.
ECBEnglishNazi: Love? If this is love, then... I can't actually think of a hyperbolic enough comparison. If this is love, then the entire universe is a single point and we all have to endure the horrendous torture of being co-located with you.
ECBKuyou: Through process of elimination and simple logic, the identity of the traitor is slightly easier to figure out than your 'code' was to decipher. That's a pretty crappy cliffhanger. There's also the problem that since your main character is an unlikable brain-washing space-psycho, you can't compel your audience to particularly care.
ECBKuyou: This was touched on earlier, but let's explore something here: You wrote, and published this, as a fanfic.
ECBKuyou: Which means people are going to be reading it to follow their favorite characters. You're barging into the scene and throwing those characters aside, then forcing your 'awesome' author avatar into the picture and saying, "Check this guy out!"
ECBKuyou: We sat down at the table and ordered steak. There's nothing wrong with soy patties! But we ordered the god-damned steak.
ECBKuyou: Serving us soy patties and saying, "Aren't they going to be great? Also, later, I will be throwing the actual cut of meat you like into the fire!" isn't appealing to us in the slightest.
ECBHateMachine: This is not a very good fic.
ECBEnglishNazi: It is, in fact, a very horrible fic.
ECBYoukai: Try "this is a abomination against all that is good in the world."
ECBArakawa: "He is awesome because he can bleed for hours in an alleyway without dying."
ECBArakawa: "He has Nyancat powers."
ECBArakawa: "And someone who is called Haruhi but clearly isn't is fixated on him."
ECBEnglishNazi: Every time I think I have plumbed the depths of human banality, stupidity and general creepiness, I come across something like this.
ECBYoukai: Also, I understand that the cool thing these days is for everyone to be a winner and to encourage the kids that fail? All I'm going to say is "don't ever even attempt to write again."
ECBArakawa: So, in summary. The primary task of the fic -- to get the Nyancat author avatar with Haruhi -- is done. All we have left is either (a) a lemon (thankfully not going to happen, I hope) or (b) character bashing, or (c) the sort of completely pointless dickery we saw in this chapter.
ECBKuyou: I'm betting on C before B. And B before A.
ECBYoukai: I suspect the only reason we're not seeing (a) is due to ff.net's terms.
ECBArakawa: Wherein a cardboard OC with no descriptive traits or personality beats up the author avatar so 'Haruhi' gets to spend hours on end weeping and angsting about it ... off screen.
ECBArakawa: What we actually *read* is pointless dickery *about* the pointless dickery. Such as the world's dumbest ciphered text message, Koizumi and Mikuru wasting space in the fic saying filler lines to each other, and the dumbest medicine I've ever seen in a work of fiction.
ECBArakawa: I think most of what happened in this chapter is ultimately so contrived and pointless it's difficult to care. It doesn't even serve the author's apparent goal in writing this fic.
ECBYoukai: The Brigade scene served no purpose whatsoever except to remind us that they exist.
ECBEnglishNazi: The first two chapters were at least a plot that might at some point have been a plot. This is just completely pointless.