ECBKuyou: In the last enthralling episode of ECBPiece theater, we enjoyed bearing witness to a young man's journey of self-discovery as he faced treachery, courted with romance, and were astounded at his mastery of intrigue.
ECBKuyou: Oh, wait. I'm sorry. I was thinking of an episode of Pokemon. Which really felt that awesome in comparison to the last chapter of what we actually went through.
ECBKuyou: In the last episode, an author avatar we didn't care about in the first place lay bleeding for most of the day and somehow still survived. Let's see if we luck out and medical malpractice renders due justice, freeing Haruhi from the horrible mind-rape.
Chapter 4: Retributions and Revelations
ECBKuyou: Yes, because it's always good storytelling to handle those plot elements in that order. Kill first, justify later. That way you don't risk your readers giving a damn.
ECBYoukai: He's never been at any risk of that.
ECBEnglishNazi: I'm not actually sure if 'Retributions' is a word.
ECBPax: I'm actually sure it's not.
This chapter reveals who the traitor is, and shows more history of Conit and Alexander. And for all of you who said Versa Hins (Veronica Mada) SHAME ON YOU! Her inspiration would have KILLED me. I want to live to see my eighteenth birthday. Those who said Nate (Nolt) hahahaha I got you. Yea he said he would kill him if he fucked up but think of this way it was a promise of a friend not a threat of the enemy. I am sorry, but this chapter is a tad slow. Next chapter the other club members come back in to the story. And now the big reveal:
ECBEnglishNazi: So we have confirmation that the Anti-Nakama Super-spies of Wal-mart are, in fact, based on the author's friends.
ECBPax: Oh hey, Tyler is 17. We know this because the author is seventeen. Or at least is pretending he is. Maybe he just thinks that's the cool age to be, which it is, when you're twelve.
ECBKuyou: What, do you think you're M. Night Charlatan, or something? "I'm so clever for revealing something I didn't foreshadow! Nyahaha!" As a writing convention, doing something without foreshadowing or adequate justification is called an 'ass pull'.
ECBPax: We know it can't be Nate, since Nate isn't a woman.
ECBKuyou: It'd be a halfway decent red herring, but it's overplayed, and if Nate were the bad guy, then he wouldn't have run out of the room in the final scene of the last chapter.
ECBEnglishNazi: And I love how you think that a healthy friendship is made up of people giving each other death threats.
ECBYoukai: Also, why are we -still- sticking to the idiotic two-name convention?
ECBEnglishNazi: Stop telling us the second name in parentheses. It's stupid.
Disclaimer: I do not own the items and people of the Haruhi Suzumiya series. I own MY OCs' history, knowledge, not completing the weapons.
ECBPax: At least he owns not completing the weapons.
ECBYoukai: The only "weapon" I've seen evidence of so far is the mind-rape/brain damage device. And if that's not complete, I don't want to know what it does when it -is-.
Bethany states, "Yes me. It is shame both of you are good people. Haruhi, you know nothing of our true workings. And Conit or should I say Tyler, you are a fool thinking you would be able to tell anyone of the 'accident' you had last night." She broke out into a small laugh.
ECBEnglishNazi: Last night? What happened last night, other than the Stupidest Terrorist Attack Ever?
ECBKuyou: Wait a moment. Is this telling us that Tyler was attacked on his way home from the movie with Haruhi?
ECBPax: He was bleeding out on the sidewalk for an entire day? Man, you guys weren't kidding when you suggested "infinite blood" as a superpower. Why did he wait until the next day to text for help?
ECBYoukai: Must have taken him six hours to put together that "secret message" text to Haruhi. People of Japan, your wisdom is great, but unfortunately your neglect wasn't enough to destroy the Male. Also, more states.
ECBKuyou: Also, why does Bethany want to be 'yes'ed suddenly? Author, you have written astoundingly bad paragraphs before, and also astoundingly bad intros to chapters, but combining them like this, you have surpassed yourself. And by 'surpassed yourself' I mean 'you fail it'.
ECBHateMachine: This is called "in media res". You're doing it badly.
"Why Bethany, why betray your friends and allies?" Tyler asked her. Haruhi just stood by Tyler stunned at the revelations.
ECBHateMachine: This is not a very good fic.
ECBEnglishNazi: So Tyler is being pointlessly and stupidly melodramatic. And Haruhi is standing there 'stunned' by the revelation that...someone she's met in passing a few times...is a traitor.
ECBKuyou: How is Haruhi stunned? Bethany is the only person in the crew who Haruhi hasn't seen since the Male was shot.
ECBHateMachine: Please. I've barely met these people and I want to betray them.
ECBKuyou: And she was told it was a traitor, so.... Oh, wait. I'm forgetting that Haruhi's brain-damaged and only has the mental capacity of a five year old.
ECBHateMachine: Five year olds would call BS at this.
ECBPax: So when these people are on good terms with each other they make death threats. How is betrayal even noticeable?
ECBYoukai: Death threats are just a way of giving friendly greetings on Nyancat five (the five Is Lowercase).
'Because your empire is no more than few squads remain, and civilian patrols, and the council is going insane. I was promised a whole brigade to command if I took you down and triple what I am being paid now. Conit you are a fool thinking I wouldn't betray you and this pathetic squad." She replies with her victory smile on a smug face. Raising her gun to bear down on Conit. But he had already closed his eyes.
ECBHateMachine: Tenses.
ECBEnglishNazi: "She replies with her victory smile on a smug face." This is the worst sentence ever written.
ECBHateMachine: I'm... trying to think of a counter to that statement. I'm failing.
ECBYoukai: So she's got her smile on some generic smug face somewhere?
ECBPax: "You guys are retarded. I'm switching teams." It's possible that this person has joined Kyon and Yuki as a sympathetic character in this story.
ECBYoukai: Remember that whole "indefinite article" thing we mentioned waaaay back in the first chapter? You still don't have it right.
ECBPax: Have they actually explained who their enemies are, yet? Or is this just a betrayal out of nowhere to nobody in particular, who apparently has better pay?
ECBArakawa: This author just fails world-building. If you want to bring Nyancat five into this, introduce it in a way that's comprehensible and interesting.
ECBYoukai: Hell, this author fails -narrative-. You can't build a world until you can tell a story. Since doing so requires telling a story about that world.
ECBKuyou: The full extent of world-building is describing the agents' home as 'war-torn'. In an author's note.
ECBPax: Well, at least he apologized for making an author's note. I think we all deserve apologies for the story itself, not just the author's notes, but it's a start.
A gunshot rang out, and Tyler thought, 'I am going to die here.' Then he realized that the gunshot didn't come from a Bethany's Walter, but his Colt .45 snub nose revolver. He reopened his eyes as another gunshot rang and saw blood spurt from Bethany's chest. She looked surprised, and tried to aim for him. But another round caught her in shoulder and then in the neck just below the jugular. Bethany went to the ground as another three rounds hit her in the lower torso. He looked over at Haruhi and whispered to her, "Haruhi you, you just saved me. Thank you so much Haruhi." At the same instant as Haruhi got on her knees, after dropping the gun and started crying, Nate walked into room. Only to see a shot up agent, Tyler looking stunned, and Haruhi on her knees crying.
ECBArakawa: We have extremely detailed and specific description of times, heights, and guns. Everything else is just BS.
ECBPax: Wow, so much going wrong here.
ECBKuyou: Why was that one paragraph instead of the eight it should have been?
ECBEnglishNazi: So...wait. He had to realize that he didn't just get shot in the head based on the sound of the gunshot? As opposed to, say, because he isn't dead?
ECBHateMachine: Also, "Walther". 'Walter' is a character from Hellsing. 'Walther' is a gun brand.
ECBYoukai: Also, I am not a gun expert, but... a 45 caliber revolver is an -extremely- powerful handgun. You're not going to get a 17-year old girl, who's never handled a gun before in her life, firing one with any kind of competence.
ECBKuyou: I'm mostly impressed that Haruhi can curve bullets. That second round hits Bethany's shoulder, then loops back around to hit her neck.
ECBPax: How do you hit just below the jugular, anyway? It runs vertically.
ECBHateMachine: The MUCH more common concealed carry is either a .357, a .380, or a 9mm.
ECBArakawa: I also love the consistency about the agents' technology. They got the Male a local Colt .45, but couldn't be bothered to replace his alien-looking cell phone with a local cell phone in the previous chapter.
ECBYoukai: The Wal-mart Super-spies are from Nyancat five. Why do they have weapons made on Earth, by Earth-based companies?
ECBEnglishNazi: So did the agents get these guns on Earth? If so, where, given we're in gun-controlled Japan? If not, why do Nyancat guns have the same brand names as Earth ones?
ECBHateMachine: So, Mr. "I have eleventy-million super powers"... just sat there and let someone try to shoot at him? WHY?
ECBYoukai: More mind-rape testing.
ECBHateMachine: ...that, sadly, makes sense.
ECBYoukai: The Male: "Will Haruhi take a golden opportunity to make good her escape, or will she murder someone that's entirely justified in killing me?"
ECBEnglishNazi: Also, if someone has the presence of mind to pick up a gun and shoot someone with it, they're not going to go into combat shock three seconds later.
"What the hell happened," Nate asked with a frown on his face trying to make sense of the situation.
ECBPax: Gee Nate, I don't know? Do you know what gunfire sounds like?
ECBKuyou: And Nate once again returns to being our favorite character in the fic. Thank you for asking the question we've all been trying to puzzle out the entire time.
ECBHateMachine: We tried. I swear, we tried to figure it out. But there's magic bullets, and people with guns named after other characters, and someone with a gun I don't think actually exists....
ECBPax: Notice that earlier he simply walked into the room. You'd think gunshots would warrant a little more haste.
ECBKuyou: Rented bedrooms in Japan evidently have around a billion times the sound-blocking potential of standard Japanese buildings.
ECBArakawa: I would rephrase the question as "what the hell is still happening", though.
ECBYoukai: Granted, the question makes sense for the fic at large, but really. You walk into a room with one girl holding a gun and the other with multiple gunshot wounds, and the first thing you ask is "what happened?"
ECBPax: She fell down an elevator shaft! Onto some bullets!
ECBArakawa: Note that we are not even bothering to question why Haruhi would do this ludicrously drastic thing of shooting someone at this point.
ECBHateMachine: Bethany was just shot six times! She's got at least four, five good hours of bleeding before we have to worry about her dying.
Tyler was the one to speak up, "Haruhi protected me against the traitor. Bethany has been feeding agent location to the enemy for quite some time. And was about to be a defective." Quickly taking a sip of the glass of water that was handed to him while talking. Haruhi stood up walked over to Tyler and started to hug him for comfort. Nate took the glass so Tyler could be more help in comforting Haruhi out of her sadness. She eventually calmed down enough to say something. By this time Nate drug the body from the room and shut the door.
ECBYoukai: "About" to be a defective? Every character in this fic is defective. And I use the term "character" as loosely as humanly possible.
ECBArakawa: "drug"? I mean, seriously, "drug"? How can you not know that is completely failed English? And before I could delude myself that you were at least *trying* to avoid the most incredibly stupid mistakes.
ECBArakawa: Heck, I don't know, maybe before you were, and now you're just getting lazier and lazier. Otherwise we would've seen 'drug' in chapter one.
ECBKuyou: How does Haruhi walk over to Tyler's side? She was there to begin with to get the gun. She only dropped to her knees, she didn't charge Bethany while firing. ...though that could have been part of the process that let her curve the second bullet. And why didn't she shoot the space-psycho mind-rapist?
ECBHateMachine: Hey, where DID Haruhi get the gun, anyways?
ECBKuyou: This fic has more holes in it than a sponge.
Haruhi asked, "Tyler, do ever forget the first time you kill somebody?" tears still welled in her eyes.
ECBKuyou: So ... so very close to being real sentences.
ECBPax: What kind of retarded question is that? Honestly.
ECBArakawa: What're you asking Tyler for? At what point did you realize he has extensive experience killing people?
ECBPax: Haruhi is supposed to be smart. Now she's wondering if she'll just blow it off later. Maybe with enough murders, Haruhi. Maybe with enough murders.
ECBYoukai: You can forget, Haruhi! Just put the gun to your head and pull the trigger! It'll all be so much better then!
ECBHateMachine: "Will I ever forget how close I came to shooting you... and then NOT doing it?"
ECBArakawa: Can your fic even try to track what your characters are realizing at what point?
ECBKuyou: If you can't even track where characters are, how are we supposed to?
He replies, "yes and no. I still remember the first person I killed, but is quite a story."
ECBKuyou: Uh, that's just 'no' not 'yes and no'.
ECBArakawa: Is the story of how he killed the first person as bad as this one?
ECBKuyou: Well, this is a chance to make the Male sympathetic. Let's see how it goes.
ECBYoukai: And such a hardened 17-year-old killer.
"Tell it to me it might calm me down." Haruhi ordered with a smile.
"It starts off when this squad was a part of a cadet company." He starts
ECBYoukai: Wow, that was an amazing recovery. She just shot someone less than two minutes ago and she's already smiling.
ECBPax: So that's what Haruhi needs. Stories about murder.
ECBArakawa: "Because listening to stories about people murdering each other horrifically really calms the nerves!" Is she turning into a yandere? That is the only imaginable reason why someone would be smiling at this point.
ECBHateMachine: Brain damage.
Three and a half years ago – yes story time, good background intel and bolded italic words are present day talk-
ECBHateMachine: ....what? No, seriously. WHAT?
ECBYoukai: Nice fourth wall break there.
ECBArakawa: If you need an instruction manual for people to read your story, at least put it at the top of the chapter. Or better yet, learn how to narrate things and write dialogue properly. Then you can have the Male tell the story with his *dialogue* and then *narrate* Haruhi's reactions in the present day.
ECBKuyou: Yeah, for fun, we're not going to use your formatting. If your story is readable, it'll be readable.
Fifteen year old Cadet first class (CFC) Conit Fiset stood at attention for what seemed like hours as he waited for his squad's first actual assignment. He thought excitedly, 'a real mission, no trainers, refs, or drill sergeants to scream at me if I screw things up. This is where my squad will earn their name.'
ECBHateMachine: I'm sure this will be a tale of how he was systematically taught to disregard the sanctity of human life as his free will was slowly but surely stripped down until he learned that only the mission was important, only orders were to be listened to....
ECBYoukai: Wait, he was 15?
ECBKuyou: So he's 18, going on 19, picking up a 16 year old high school girl? Man, he's getting creepier by the scene!
ECBYoukai: Even assuming that this math is accurate... how does a 19-year old foreigner pass himself off as a 16 or 17-year old high school student?
ECBKuyou: Superpower.
ECBPax: That's the bullshit superpower manifesting itself again. Either that or the invisibility. He uses his bullshit power about as often as Spontaneous Marriage.
The commanding officer (CO) of the base, a stout major, handed him a piece of paper and then dismissed him. Once Conit was outside he looked at his paper, and was deeply disappointed when he saw it was a simple defense mission of an evacuation site for civilians. He continued reading and got happier as he read.
ECBPax: Maybe he'll get to mind-rape somebody!
ECBHateMachine: "I get to marry someone, mind-rape them, and THEN kill them! Wha-hoo!"
ECBArakawa: A "stout major"? This combination of words is downright odd in that context.
ECBPax: That's a rank in his world.
ECBYoukai: Nah, the major's just a heavy beer drinker. You would be too if you had to spend time around the Male.
Your squad is to take out a ground-to-air missile site twenty miles from the actual evac site. Destroy these missiles and leave the area immediately a chopper by call-sign tailwing bravo will meet you. Grab any and all intelligence you can get. Below are code words needed for evac. And squad's call-sign every member must follow order of call sign for orders.
ECBYoukai: What. The actual fuck.
ECBPax: That doesn't sound like defense.
ECBKuyou: Okay. I can make no sense of the final sentence. Even being generous and trying to guess words. I think it was just randomly spouted gibberish from an on-line guide to 'military slang'.
ECBArakawa: "This is strictly a defense mission where you will... PSYCHE! Guess what, guys: You'll be destroying the hell out of a missile base!"
ECBHateMachine: This is a mission given to cadets. Raw, untested cadets, fresh out of cadet school.
ECBYoukai: Even ignoring the last sentence entirely... how do those orders even make any sense?
ECBYoukai: Number one, it'd be surface-to-air missiles.
ECBYoukai: Number two, why are you sending a squad of cadets to try to gather intel? And why would there be any at a SAM site anyway?
ECBYoukai: Number three... why the hell would you need code words for evacuation?
ECBKuyou: ...I think this author's military knowledge comes from the Medal of Honor series of games.
ECBYoukai: I know it's sad, but I'd almost rather not see Haruhi get past the mind-rape anymore. Even a five-year-old intellect would know how terribly wrong this all is.
ECBHateMachine: As long as she's too stupid to understand what's happening.... she's happy.
ECBKuyou: Poor, poor Haruhi.
CFC Conit then ran to his squad's barracks too tell them what to get for the mission, their roles and the call-signs of everyone.
ECBPax: Wait, so they didn't even have the whole squad at the briefing? It's just tell one guy and play Telephone with mission orders?
ECBKuyou: And they give the orders to the lowest ranking person in the squad?
ECBArakawa: So his squad is so big they have their own barracks? And this is his first mission? And he is leading this squad?
ECBYoukai: Not only that, but call signs are being -assigned- for this mission? If you've got a call sign, you've got one. It's not like they go around changing them on a whim.
ECBKuyou: I'm astounded that so much can be wrong with such a small sentence. You've got to be setting records for 'errors per word' here. Hell, you may have finally breached the legendary 1:1 ratio and gone straight into 'errors per letter'!
Haitan air space 0000 hours (midnight) inside a carrier aircraft
ECBKuyou: Okay. Hang on. Super-spy Tyler is doing something in Haiti? Half a year before Haruhi destroyed the probes? Meaning before the Nyancat aliens even came to Earth?
ECBPax: Yes, apparently so.
ECBYoukai: I know I keep saying this, but... wait, what?
ECBArakawa: They have Haiti on Nyancat five (the five is Lowercase). Nyancat five is not a planet, it's a state of mind. I already told you so.
ECBKuyou: It's a state of mind remarkably similar to 'concussed'.
ECBYoukai: How are you in 'Haitan' airspace inside an aircraft carrier? I'm presuming that's what you meant because there's no possible sense I can make of 'carrier aircraft'.
ECBArakawa: It's obviously a *flying* aircraft carrier. Just like in Avengers, Sky Captain, and a zillion other over-the-top action movies that this fic happens to insult by copying their cool stuff and failing to make it even a tenth as cool as it was in the original.
"Ok, squad we are going to perform a HALO jump or High Altitude Low Opening jump. This mission is of high importance, and a stealth operation up to the point we blow up the missiles, but by then though we will be halfway to the evac site. Remember your roles and call-signs. No do-over here it is do or die trying to save hundreds of civilians in the capital city of Haitan. Now who are we!" CFC Conit exclaimed.
ECBHateMachine: ...why do you have to explain to them what a HALO jump is? Are they even stupider than you?
ECBPax: Which implies they have not actually practiced this.
ECBKuyou: At least this confirms that they have a raw recruit in charge.
ECBYoukai: Not only that, he has to remind them what their roles are. Because obviously they have no training in anything specific.
ECB: Who sends an aerial drop team to deal with surface-to-air missile sites? They'd be blown out of the air or gunned down while doing their drop.
ECBYoukai: With this squad? Some very clever commanders that know who needs to be eliminated.
ECBArakawa: ... I am going to cherish the image of the Male teaching a bunch of rocks to do a HALO jump at the last minute.
ECBKuyou: You want to know something embarrassing? I didn't know what the capital of Haiti was. And then I took 20 seconds to Google it. It's 'Port-au-Prince', not 'Haitian'.
ECBYoukai: What's embarrassing about that?
ECBKuyou: I didn't say it was embarrassing for me.
"Shadow squad, as silent as the night air, and as deadly as it is cold" everyone said. They were dressed in all black, from head to toe.
ECBKuyou: It's great that they wore black. But black what? Because I'm envisioning backless sequined evening gowns. It's about as logical as anything else, and surely combat armor isn't as important as black when it comes to making a scene feel 'military'.
ECBArakawa: Shadow squad, as deadly as the air of a warm summer night.
ECBPax: Did they have a cue to do their little team-building exercise, or was this just spontaneous?
ECBYoukai: Also... have you ever been outside at night, ever? Silent it is not. And given that this is tropical, 'deadly as it is cold'? Oh, wait. That's probably accurate.
ECBPax: So really, their little squad saying is probably some joke foisted upon them by someone smarter than they are.
ECBYoukai: I'd say 'never mind, carry on', but I'd much prefer it if you just gave up now.
ECBArakawa: ... wait, this is a Haruhi fanfiction? Your terrible narration has totally destroyed my attention span.
"One minute to drop zone." The pilot said.
"Parachutes will deploy automatically, or a warning will come on your visor and you will have to pull the emergency cord. Remember to keep up with partners in air till parachutes deploy separate from that point." Conit before walked to jump ramp to open.
ECBArakawa: wut
ECBPax: Parachutes will deploy automatically, or not. Whichever! More evidence that command is trying to kill the Male.
ECBKuyou: If they can automate the parachute, why not the emergency backup parachute? And if the automation fails, why doesn't it say 'manual override'?
ECBYoukai: You're... suggesting they partner up -until- the chutes deploy?
ECBYoukai: Command really does want the Male dead. Perfect way to get the chutes tangled and kill both partners.
ECBPax: "Conit before walked to jump ramp to open." - So Conit is opening at the jump ramp? I guess they have visors, too. Black ones!
ECBKuyou: And otherwise, black sequined backless dresses.
ECBArakawa: So, tandem jumping rookie ballerinas. In black.
The green light flashed on and the first two out were Lupus (Daniel Bolt) and Feles (Hes Mata) followed by Vulpus (Peter Dosan) and Flos (Versa Hins) then Aquila (CFC Conit) and Silent Peace, a sniper who was ordered to go with them.
ECBHateMachine: Oh, good. More parenthetical names.
ECBYoukai: So we're up to three names now. And a bunch more people that we don't care about.
ECBKuyou: The sniper doesn't deserve a separate name?
ECB: Let me now voice my suspicion that at least one set of these names will never be used again.
ECBArakawa: I don't know which would be worse. Not seeing any of these people again. Or having to sit through the author actually introducing them in the writing standards of this fic.
"Hurry up and get to the case." Haurhi Said impatiently.
ECBKuyou: Who the hell is 'Haurhi'?
ECBPax: That's kind of like the Spanish pronunciation of "George."
ECBArakawa: Clearly the author was too impatient to write this sentence even according to his own mediocre standards.
ECBYoukai: So... we went from shock at murdering someone, to smiling because it's story-time, to getting testy?
BrainwashedHaruhi: BRAINWASHED HARUHI WANT STORY TIME!
"Fine, you no fun, but I warn you this part gets a little violent." Tyler states before continuing.
The Male: YOU NO FUN! NOW STORY GET VIOLENT!
BrainwashedHaruhi: AAW...
ECBYoukai: "Bitch, you just shot someone and you want story-time? You no fun."
ECB: Just a little? Alright, does everybody die? Please say so.
ECBArakawa: No, at least three of them are guaranteed to survive.
ECBYoukai: Someone call Mikuru. Maybe we can fix that with time travel.
Lupus and Aquila had entered the base without a guard to stop. That was until they ran into a kid no older than twelve years old. The trio just stared at each other. Lupus finally raised his rifle and shot the kid with a suppressed round. The kid was quickly hidden behind the nearest building. The duo continued to their objective, which was to sabotage a couple anti-air guns. When they were heading out for evac, when a soldier stepped out of what appeared to be the lavatories. Aquila took out his knife while crouching he slid up behind the enemy, and when close enough. Aquila jumped him, by stabbing him in the side of the neck and putting his gloved hand over his mouth at the same time. When the enemy finally lay on the ground dead Aquila got his first good at the enemy. It was a boy no older than nine years of age, a new cadet in the enemy's army.
ECBPax: The base without a guard. Sounds like a secure place to keep 'GAM's.
ECBYoukai: And staffed by a nine-year-old.
ECBPax: The fuck is a child doing on this base?
ECBKuyou: There is not one part of that paragraph that is not horrible.
ECBHateMachine: So... big, important surface to air defense installation... guarded by a single preteen kid. Guys? Guys? I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, the Male ISN'T extraordinarily stupid for his people. I'm really starting to think that the Male is... well... pretty bright for his people.
ECB: He's the smartest cadet they've ever had.
ECBPax: Well, considering that the average age of the staff for this GAM site is ten...
ECBYoukai: Also, a little note about continuity. This can be defined as 'keeping your story straight'. The original 'mission' was to take out a 'ground-to-air missile' site. Missiles are not fired from guns.
ECBKuyou: If you can't keep critical details straight within even the same scene, why should your readers even care?
When they made it to the evac site they were the first group there. By 0300 hours everyone minus Feles, died because of parachute failure, and Vulpus, landed in the middle of an enemy patrol and was shot, was at the evac site, celebrations were going on in chopper. Except for Aquila he was more depressed than he had ever been, even thorough the training, so he just stared off into space not wanting to party. When the group got back to home base Aquila went to be debriefed and to report to the CO. When he finally got back to bed it was two hours till breakfast, but he couldn't sleep because of what happened that night.
ECBHateMachine: Okay, seriously.
ECB: Wait, was that actually the next line?
ECBHateMachine: "Everyone made it fine, except for two people who died!" That's horrible story telling!
ECBEnglishNazi: So two people we just met and have no reason whatsoever to care about died.
ECBYoukai: No, no.
ECB: Everyone died because of parachute failure.
ECBYoukai: Minus Feles.
ECBEnglishNazi: ...Seems so.
ECBPax: Yeah. Looks like a total party kill to me, except for Feles.
ECBYoukai: Man, I think this is the first time I've managed to smile this entire fic. Tyler, hurtling into the ground at terminal velocity...
BrainwashedHaruhi: BRAINWASHED HARUHI EAT UP MORBID STORY!
Present day
ECBEnglishNazi: Even if it wasn't completely inappropriate and horrible to tell to someone who's suffering combat shock, there was no reason whatsoever to actually type that whole narrative into this story.
ECBEnglishNazi: Since, you know, this story is (theoretically) about Haruhi.
ECBYoukai: Pffft, what fic are you reading? This fic is entirely about the Male.
ECBKuyou: And his lovable sex-doll, Haruhi. She can giggle!
ECBYoukai: And cry. And hug!
ECBPax: Mrs. Haurhi Suzumiy, sex-doll extraordinaire!
ECBArakawa: Well, I think the point is "my first time killing someone was even more random and pointless than *your* first time!"
ECBPax: "Haruhi, you're feeling down? Let me tell you about the time I stabbed a nine year old in the neck."
ECBArakawa: "So you shouldn't feel bad!"
ECBKuyou: So, we got a story about how Tyler is able to overcome his humanity to kill children. Was this supposed to make him sympathetic?
ECBHateMachine: That can't be it. That's an incredibly stupid and cruel point. Only a complete and total moron would try and use that to...oooooohhhh, I see.
ECBYoukai: It was mental conditioning to get him to a point where he can use the mind-rape device without any guilt.
ECBKuyou: Because what I'm thinking, is that when I called him a 'creepy space-psycho mind-rapist', I wasn't being severe enough. We kind of need to add 'child-killing' to that list.
ECBPax: Does this count as a second date?
ECBArakawa: ... are they taking things too fast?
ECBEnglishNazi: Yes. Yes, they are.
ECBPax: Or was the "strip Mikuru and make her wear semi-sexy to sexy" outfits the first date, making this one the third date?
ECBArakawa consults dating manual on whether the girl is *supposed* to put six bullets into the boy's treacherous co-workers on the second date.
ECBPax: No, this is the third date. The first one was sexually abusing Mikuru. The second one was the Male shooting up a movie theater. Third date is Haruhi shooting a traitor. This isn't a romance, it's a crime spree!
"Nor would I ever forget that event for as long as I have lived." Tyler states with a depressed tone to his voice and a sad look plastered on his face.
ECBKuyou: Again: How the hell was this supposed to help things?
ECBYoukai: The clone that the real Haruhi left behind when she escaped is starting to show some defects.
ECBEnglishNazi: "a sad look plastered on his face"? I'm imagining someone using a trowel to slap spackle on his face. It's a wonderful image.
ECBHateMachine: A big pie pan full of spackle, smacking him in the face.
ECBYoukai: Man, he really -is- the greastest actor. With that depressed tone and sad look plastered on his face, you could almost -believe- he regrets killing a child.
ECBYoukai: Almost.
ECBPax: How could Haruhi's question about killing people be "Yes and no" when he has just declared unconditionally that the answer is "No?"
"I . . . I never knew. How can you suppress the memory?" Haruhi asked.
ECBEnglishNazi: You never knew? Duh. He never told you. (Before now.) Why is that a meaningful thing to say?
ECBKuyou: And, is 'suppressing' the memory being sold as the 'healthy' response, here?
ECB: Because suppressing the memory of the horrible things I've done allows me to do yet more horrible things. "I could never mind-rape you if I had to deal with a conscience."
ECBYoukai: Haurhi, dear, if he'd suppressed the memory he wouldn't be able to tell you about it. That's what suppressing it means.
ECBArakawa: Hold on. Is Haruhi supposed to know he is an alien at this point? Was there a line which signified her gaining that knowledge? Such as, I dunno, "wow, you're from an alien planet!"
ECBKuyou: No, there wasn't.
ECBArakawa: Or is Nyancat five conveniently identical to Earth down to having Haiti? Or is he changing up the story to pretend he's in an Earth military...attacking missile bases...on Haiti....
ECBYoukai: Missile bases with guns and twelve year old guards.
ECBPax: I'm pretty sure there aren't any militaries that have fifteen year olds used for para-drops.
ECBHateMachine: You know, I can't help but point out that they're having this heartfelt little tete a tete... in a room still covered with the blood from the woman Haruhi just shot.
ECBArakawa: Which means the characters in this fic have standards of hygiene I normally associate with Dwarf Fortress.
ECBEnglishNazi: And isn't the Male theoretically entirely healed by now? Since, you know, the broken leg was going to be fine in an hour?
"Simple I met you Haruhi. I fell in love. You may start calling me Conit, but not in public I still have many enemies to fight." He replies with smile towards.
ECBYoukai: "It's okay, bitch, I'll allow you to use my name. You should feel honored."
ECBEnglishNazi: 'He replies with smile towards.' Now this one I know isn't a sentence.
ECBArakawa: So to suppress the memory, Haruhi just has to find some other fanfiction character and mind rape *them* into her personal sex-bot. Is that what you're getting at? Good god, are you trying to start an eternal cycle of misery that will engulf all fandoms ever?
／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼ -- This is fucked up, even by my standards!
ECBYoukai: I'm quite sure the actual Haruhi cast evacuated this travesty a long time ago.
ECBHateMachine: "He" and "replies" are a subject and a verb, respectively. "with a smile towards" is just a dependent participle phrase that oh who cares I want to die
ECBYoukai: And despite their promises on the lone island, I imagine they're all getting thoroughly plastered to try to erase the memory of the time they -did- spend in it.
ECBArakawa: I have given up on explaining the grammar errors in this fic. Now I just want to mock them.
"I still love you no matter what I have to call you!" Haruhi exclaimed as she hugged him once again.
ECBYoukai: "You wonderful, psychopathic child murderer!"
ECBArakawa: "Oh? Call me Master, then."
ECBKuyou: Oh, hooray. Haruhi is cheered by the story of child-murder because it ends with, "I love you."
ECBEnglishNazi: This is the guy she's known for, again, about two days by now. Brain damage!
The door open up and in walked Haruhi's aunt. Ákì states, "It is good to see your doing ok Tyler. So what have you told my niece? I hope nothing to bad."
ECBEnglishNazi: Wait. Isn't the room still covered in blood?
ECBYoukai: Yup.
ECBHateMachine: But that's okay! They're not *gasp* kissing!
ECBYoukai: Also, how did the aunt get here? And why? Oh, wait. Those details would involve a little something called 'telling a story'.
ECBKuyou: The aunt doesn't care about the blood. Or Haruhi glomping onto him. Or Haruhi's tear-stained face from 6+ hours of crying that day. She just wants to know: What did you tell her?
ECBEnglishNazi: For that matter, how would Aki have gotten the idea that he was telling Haruhi anything in particular, anyway?
He replies, with a serious tone, "Nothing, but the truth, and a small tale of my own." Ákì laughs at this, but he continued and now it is your turn for truth."
ECBEnglishNazi: Tenses.
ECBKuyou: A.) Missing quotation mark.
ECBKuyou: B.) That is the MOST bullshit response -- no chaperon worth their salt would laugh it off.
ECBYoukai: You should know better by this point! There -are- no logical reactions from any character in this fic. Other than Kyon, who wisely spends most of his time off-screen.
ECBHateMachine: I guess... that's how he's being bashed?
ECBPax: "I was telling her about how I murdered a child, so the murder that she just committed, which you can see scattered all over the wall over there, wouldn't seem like such a bad thing."
ECBKuyou: The only possible reason for Aki to laugh is because she's trying to play it cool because she's freaked out by the bloodstains.
ECB: She called the cops. And doesn't want him to kill her niece before they arrive.
Ákì looks back at him, and asks, "Oh you are completely serious about this?"
ECBEnglishNazi: That's a stupid clarifying question. What do you expect him to say? "No?"
ECBYoukai: This 'conversation' between Aki and the Male -has no topic-. Serious about what? Or is Aki (I refuse to use your stupid accent marks) a mind-reader as well?
ECBHateMachine: No, I think she's a robot.
"Yes ma'am now here is the truth. My true name is Conit Fiset, and I, and this squad are from the Nyenal planets. We have been at war with a group called the Spinas core. They are not from the same set of planets; they are from Speina planetary system alliance, or SPSA. Now that you know this you will be watched as so you can't tell anyone that. And I have one question for the both of you. Knowing this and the facts, may Haruhi join my squad for the rest of the time we are here? And please be honest."
ECBKuyou: Niiiiice. He doesn't even try and play subtle anymore. "Haruhi is my property. My people are watching you. Don't try anything."
ECBArakawa: Okay. How about you reveal that you're an alien first? *Then* tell the story about how you were killing people on Nyancat Haiti.
ECB: "We're gonna have to have a soldier here at all times to watch you in case you say ANYTHING. So, I'm taking your niece to replace them. Say yes?"
ECBEnglishNazi: "And please be honest." As opposed to what? Isn't this completely stupid?
ECBPax: I think this is the sort of faux-courtesy that the mob offers when asking for money so your house doesn't burn down mysteriously.
ECBYoukai: "Also, I want your niece to join my squad, even though she has absolutely no military training of any kind. She did just kill another girl, after all. Shows natural talent, just needs to shoot up a couple of playgrounds and she'll be set."
ECBArakawa: I am completely numb. We already finished with the mind rape of Haruhi. At this point, I am actually looking forward to the blatant Kyon abuse promised in the summary, if only it will make me feel some twisted semblance of emotional involvement with the proceedings.
ECBHateMachine: I... you know, I'm with Arakawa, here.
ECBYoukai: I have emotional involvement in this fic. I hate it with every fiber of my being, and would like nothing more than to see the Male die a torturous, excruciating death over the course of several weeks.
ECBKuyou: The perils of making a new character and doing it badly: the audience hates the new character. With passion.
"I will join you in this squad!" Haruhi squealed with delight hugging Conit.
ECBArakawa: So, brainwashed Haruhi can giggle, squeal, and hug. I would prefer a girlfriend that can think and act.
ECBArakawa: I mean... it's kind of sad, when your brainwashed fantasy sex slave is so lame that I don't even find the basic traits she has to be even remotely appealing. Actually having her around would be tedious and soul-destroying.
ECB: Wasn't Conit asking Aki the question? Shame her aunt doesn't get to answer the whole 'Taking my niece to a war' request.
"Yes Ákì she will have her own living quarters seeing as though I am down a member." He says answering her mental question.
ECBKuyou: "Also, she had some semi-sexy to sexy outfits; they'll probably fit Haurhi."
ECBEnglishNazi: So he's being open with the mind-reading, now.
ECB: Why not? He's already spilled other military secrets. To the folks watching him. At all times.
ECBHateMachine: The grammar is atrocious, the punctuation looks like it's been blasted onto the page with a shotgun, and the spelling is so hit or miss that a cross-eye Imperial Stormtrooper has a better "shots hit" ratio!
ECBHateMachine: None of the actual cast members are even close to their characters, except Kyon and that's just because he's NOT BEEN IN THE FIC! THIS IS NOT A VERY GOOD FIC. AND YOU ARE NOT A VERY GOOD WRITER.
ECBHateMachine: You should stand up, turn off the computer, go to whatever person who was supposed to be teaching you the rules of grammar, spelling, punctuation, and anything else involved with the English language and request that they hit you!
ECB: You know, every third line, I think "Wait, was that really part of the fic, or was the author MSTing his own stuff while it was going? No wait...still fic."
ECBKuyou: If this is 'IC, except for Haruhi, who is a little OOC'....
ECBArakawa: I really didn't foresee when I signed up for this that "a little OOC" means total brainwashing.
ECBYoukai: Haruhi is a 'little' OOC the same way that Stalin was a 'little' paranoid.
ECBHateMachine: Or I'm a 'little' full of hatred and rage. This fic is horrible! Every line makes it WORSE!
"Please auntie." Haruhi asks pleadingly with cute pout and puppy dog like eyes. Looking at her aunt and still hugging Tyler
ECBHateMachine: I didn't think it was possible, but I'm constantly being amazed by just how BAD a fic can be!
ECBEnglishNazi: Well, this line is quite possibly the least literate way to express its basic sentiment...ever.
ECBHateMachine: I've seen better written sentences by people who have to type them with a pencil gripped in their teeth! I've WRITTEN better sentences drunk and typing with my nose!
ECBYoukai: I've read better fiction after passing out on my keyboard.
ECBKuyou: Haruhi: "He's my very own child-murderer mind-raping space-psycho and I have killed for him and will love him and feed him and pet him and wash him and hug him and call him Conit."
ECBArakawa: I am make a cute pout and you mean I go with Conit! Seriously. When describing cute characters ... *try harder to be more subtle about it*.
ECBKuyou: I realized I glossed over this point earlier. But I'm also impressed that the other super-spies didn't warn Tyler that, 'hey, someone outside the trusted group is in the house' and she just kind of walked in.
ECBKuyou: Oh, wait, they don't have a trusted group.
ECBArakawa: Or they *all* hate Conit and want him to die. They are the anti-Nakama, after all.
ECBHateMachine: Thanks to little Mr. Space Psycho there, I'm assuming those eyes were stolen from some animal from Nyancat five (the five is Lowercase) that looks much like an Earth puppy, but feels much, much more pain!
ECBPax: Does making puppy eyes make you seem more qualified to join a band of murderers?
ECB: "Please Auntie, let me go off to War for a foreign planet!"
ECBHateMachine: Every time something new is introduced, it is more disturbing than the last thing.
ECBYoukai: You know what's really disturbing about this? This started out as a creepy wish-fulfillment fic. Given what we've just seen from our author avatar, I seriously hope he never goes near children. Ever.
ECB: A creepy wish-fulfillment fic about murdering children.
ECBHateMachine: If this were a horror fic, I'd be impressed.
ECBYoukai: Oh wait - it's marked as Romance!
ECBEnglishNazi: It'd be terrible even if it was a horror fic.
ECBPax: The kids on that base made fun of Conit for terrible writing when he was a kid! They deserved what happened to them! And they'll never date Mikuru, so they should just pick another girl!
Okay now that is done. Honestly I have to say that this was the most fun chapter to write and reread. Oh before I log off I will say that I am sure if Haruhi is living with her aunt or not but I thought it would help with of the later stuff as for the love. And asking permission for joining the squad can be trace back a ways as for asking the father permission to marry his sole daughter.
ECBKuyou: ...what.
ECBPax: Did the story just launch straight into author's notes with no warning?
ECBEnglishNazi: Okay, wait. This is the end, right? So not only did you not bother to finish the scene, you didn't even bother to finish the sentence?
ECBYoukai: 'This... was the most fun chapter to write.' A lengthy discursion into murdering children.
ECBKuyou: Are you telling us that for you, reading about your wish-fulfillment character killing a kid was more fun than reading about him rescuing people from a hostage situation?
ECBYoukai: There is no 'most fun' ANYTHING about this fic.
ECBArakawa: By the way. The author let slip that he is composing this dreck right in the ff.net on-line editor. As opposed to using a word processor, showing this torment to someone with a brain, listening to their feedback, and *then* uploading it.
ECBArakawa: And, I mean, it shows. It really shows. The first couple of chapters were offensive. The one after that was pointless. I can't tell if this one was pointlessly offensive or offensively pointless. Or, for God's sakes, both.
ECBEnglishNazi: I'd love to read a fic about Conit dying painfully, then coming back to life and repeating the process.
ECBHateMachine: The punctuation mistake counter started sobbing halfway through the first chapter! The grammar error counter is in therapy and won't stop screaming!
ECBYoukai: I strongly suspect that half the missing punctuation isn't actually there because it's trying to hide from the bad man that hurt it.
ECBKuyou: Anyway. That other thing. Military tradition where recruitment equals marriage? Where the hell did that come from?
ECBEnglishNazi: Does that mean that the whole squad is married to each other?
ECBHateMachine: Wait. So... the Male is already in a group marriage? Did Haruhi just shoot her potential sister wife? That's a hell of a messy way to get a divorce.
ECBPax: He's a squad leader. Battlefield commission = spontaneous marriage.
ECBYoukai: Nah, she has to kill her to take her place. Induction by assassination and all that.
ECBKuyou: Well, at the end of the day, Conit is an even worse person, and Haruhi becomes even more of a brain-washed love-doll. Her legal guardian, Aki, is totally unable to protect her from the bad man, who uses the threat of military action to keep her from protesting.
ECBHateMachine: But it's okay! They didn't kiss on the first date. That's all that really matters.
ECBPax: It's ok because she WUVS him.
ECBArakawa: Hey, shooting your sister-wives is very in the spirit of the anti-Nakama.
ECBKuyou: If the Brigade can't rescue Haruhi from this horrible fate, I don't know what to say.
ECBKuyou: Well, thank you for joining us again for another exiting episode of ECBPiece theater. Next time, we will enjoy the thrilling conclusion. With any luck, this story will somehow manage to improve.
ECBKuyou: I'm not holding my breath.