ECBKuyou: So-- To recap, in the last chapter of this train-wreck fanfiction, the space-psycho mind-rapist made 'Haurhi' feel better about killing someone by telling her about the time he himself murdered a 9-year-old boy. After this, he used threats of military force against her aunt to recruit the poor brainwashed girl into his organization.
ECBKuyou: At that point the fic ended mid-sentence, but obviously continues on. So, let's see what happens next, and if the creepy main character can get any creepier!
Chapter 5: Answers and Plans
ECBKuyou: I can't really get any meaning from this chapter title. "Answers" and "Plans?" Since last chapter was 'revelations', I'm not really sure where this is supposed to be going.
ECBEnglishNazi: You know, you might have come up with an interesting title scheme here. "<plural noun> and <plural noun>". But then you messed it up with "Distress of the kind sir" two chapters ago. So the overall effect is, in fact, you looking stupid.
ECBYoukai: Does the fic really -have- any unanswered questions at this point? Other than the meta-question of "why was this written", of course.
ECBKuyou: Unfortunately, it actually has a great number of unanswered questions -- just none that it meant to ask.
This is the last published chapter of this story (MAYBE). This is the story of the Agenzia series, Favorite me as an author to follow the series and Chean fries and/or Conit Fiset.
ECBEnglishNazi: If anyone ever wanted to read more of the dreck you write, it'd be news to me.
ECBPax: It seems like whether this is the last published chapter would be a matter of some certainty. Since it definitely is the last published chapter currently, and if another chapter is published it definitely would not be the last published chapter.
ECBKuyou: While this is a rule that a great many fanfiction authors fail to grasp, you should know this much: Writing a story when you have no idea where it goes is a bad idea.
ECBKuyou: You should know before you even start where your story will end. Absolutely, you should know by the time you're posting a chapter if it is the last one.
Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Haruhi Suzumiya series, I own my OCs and the story.
ECBKuyou: Going back, I realize I missed an important question. Perhaps even the one the chapter title might answer. "Who the hell cares about your space-psycho mind-rapist?" He's got so many superpowers there's no tension, because absolutely nothing is a credible threat to him, and he's an utter moron....
ECBKuyou: He's not an interesting or sympathetic character. There's no reason I'd want to read more, unless it's about people he brain-washed breaking free and extracting revenge!
ECBEnglishNazi: And not only that, but you haven't actually told us he has any superpowers, except the stupid Avatar stuff which he never used again. You just left us to infer this from all the utter bullshit that happens around him.
ECBKuyou: This is one of many symptoms of what we call 'very bad writing.'
"Well I guess we could possibly work something out for her to stay. But what did you mean by 'for the rest of the time that we are here'?" Ákì stated with a smile on her face.
ECBYoukai: Just to make it blatantly clear: 'State' as a verb is something you use when facts need to be relayed, and nothing more. It implies relatively little emotion attached to the dialogue it represents.
ECBYoukai: Granted, there's no emotion in your writing anyway, but you certainly don't use this for questions, of which this is one.
ECBYoukai: And no dialogue indicator, other than perhaps 'said', should be repeated as frequently as we've seen 'state' used here.
ECBKuyou: Wait. Is this ... part of what should have been in the conclusion of the last scene of the previous chapter?
ECBEnglishNazi: I think it is.
ECBPax: Aki is still grinning through the murder scene.
Hearing this, and ingoring the second part, Haruhi jumped up and ran over to her aunt, who was standing at the foot of the bed, and gave a hug so tight that you might think that Ákì was having the life squeezed out of her. Haruhi let go after about a minute. Versa Hins walked in through the doorway as soon as Haruhi stopped hugging her aunt. She asked, "Is everything ok I heard a shrill of excitement from downstairs?"
ECBKuyou: So they can hear Haruhi squeeing, and not a gunshot. Or even five gunshots and a body being 'drug' away. Wow, Versa is sure on the ball here. "The gunshots didn't worry me, but a happy schoolgirl did."
ECBYoukai: Of course the gunshots didn't worry her. That's just business as usual for the Anti-Nakama Wal-mart Super-spy Squad of Nyancat five (the five Is Lowercase).
ECBPax: Gunfire is the sound of new members joining the team.
ECBYoukai: And Haruhi is 'ingoring' the second part? Does this mean she's ramming some kind of horn into it? If she's 'ingoring' the Male, I can only cheer.
ECBEnglishNazi: Also, we're seeing yet another example of the Colliding Buses Theory of Sentence Construction.
Tyler replied with a smile on his face, "Yes everything is fine, but I need you to take Haruhi to her house so she can pick up the stuff she needs to stay with us. Please."
ECBKuyou: They go straight from 'no kissing' to 'living together'.
ECBYoukai: Also, why does Haruhi have to stay with them now? Just to ensure that there's no chance of her breaking past the mind-rape?
ECBKuyou: Probably. It sure doesn't help maintain the super-spies' cover.
ECBEnglishNazi: This story sure isn't managing to deliver on its promise of "major Kyon beatings".
ECBPax: I'm half expecting his face to show up on a milk carton at this point.
ECBEnglishNazi: Writing a bash fic is probably already an indicator of bad writing. Trying to write a bash fic and failing....
"Yes sir. I get it done. Come on Haruhi you have to show me the way to your house." Versa said after snapping off a salute. With that Haruhi and Versa left the room.
ECBEnglishNazi: You get it done? In the present tense? Because it looks to me more like you're standing there in a room. Maybe you mean "will get it done"?
ECBYoukai: I know this Haruhi is 'a little OOC', but seriously. Haruhi taking orders from anyone else? Just... had to throw that out there.
ECBKuyou: And the super-spies don't know where Haruhi lives? They've been seeking her out since their probes were destroyed three years ago, figured out where she went to school, had one of their number start dating her -- and walk her home -- and they still ... don't know where she lives?
ECBKuyou: These have to be the world's least competent spies ever. Possibly the world's least competent people ever, outside of the Male's evident skill at brain damaging mind-rape.
ECBYoukai: Area-of-effect brain damage. Centered on the Male. Yet another of his superpowers.
Ákì said with a smirk, "you know what? You never answered my question."
ECBEnglishNazi: ...'with a smirk'? Why would that be something you say with a smirk?
ECBPax: Facial expressions are just adopted at random and change from statement to statement. And they're all freaking STATEMENTS, aren't they?
ECBEnglishNazi: Impatiently, maybe. Or just don't specify an affect. But why on Earth is that something to say while smirking?
ECBYoukai: Also, capitalization has taken the hint from the rest of the grammar and started fleeing the fic, it seems.
Tyler stated in a calm voice, "Because of a betrayal of squad mate represents a relocation order from command. Haruhi must stay here with you. Unless I can at the very least train her to cadet first class level items. And still it is going to depend on what command says."
ECBEnglishNazi: 'Because of a betrayal of squad mate represents a relocation order from command.' Not only is that not a sentence, what it might be saying if it was a sentence makes no goddamn sense.
ECBYoukai: "Making sense" and this fic could not see each other with an array of deep space telescopes.
ECBKuyou: "We're going to be moved. So she should stay here, a location our enemies know and can watch. That way when we leave, if she has to go back with you, our enemies will know exactly where she is!" Followed by, "If I can train her up, then the whole 'time remaining' bit is utterly pointless."
ECBKuyou: It should not take an entire team of people to translate what you wrote in English into something meaningful.
ECBYoukai: Given his stunning mental faculties, watching him try to train someone else should be a laugh riot.
ECBKuyou: This is the guy who got his entirely squad (minus Feles) killed in a HALO jump.
Ákì states, "Oh. But how bad could that be. For the training?"
"Pretty bad, it took me almost three months to learn the physical aspects. Not to mention the mental and elemental training." Tyler replied.
ECBEnglishNazi: ...Use. Question marks. On. Questions. Seriously.
ECB: Naturally, traitors trying to kill us means that the important target should stay in plain view. Not moving. Where everyone can find her. This is military Tyler strategy.
ECBPax: Oh, right... the elemental training. They use that a lot, don't they?
ECBKuyou: No, really. Could you be little more insulting, Tyler? "It'll be pretty bad. It took me more than three months when I was younger than 15; for a genius prodigy like Haruhi, it will be extremely difficult!"
ECBYoukai: Actually, that's probably true. Given the degree of brain damage she's suffered. The Haruhi we know could probably knock it out in an afternoon. This one? Ehhhh....
ECBKuyou: Good point. She can't be allowed to beat the Male's record, can she?
Five days later, backyard of the rented house
"Come on Haruhi! You must complete all physical tests before we can even start on the basics of the elemental training." Versa exclaimed while keeping up a steady march around Haruhi watching try to complete the second test of that day.
ECBEnglishNazi: Hey. How about some description of what she's actually doing?
ECBKuyou: What the hell are these physical tests? They must be impossible for most humans, since Haruhi is a gifted top athlete. You've watched the anime even if you haven't read the books. So you know that Haruhi could get into any club on physical ability alone, and also was beaten only by one person in the sports festival. That person being Yuki.
ECBYoukai: Also, elemental -training-? How the hell do you train a normal human to do something that (at least in -this- world) is scientifically impossible?
ECBPax: This was clearly explained before: "Everyone on my home planet has a power that they may control the power."
ECBKuyou: That power is evidently 'bullshit'.
ECBKuyou: What I think is most impressive here is that if they've got her to join them.... Well, he was placed on that planet to observe Haruhi. If she enlisted, why the hell are they doing field training instead of bringing her to a secure facility to be trained by competent trainers?
ECBYoukai: So if this is some kind of indication that they need to go to ground... why are they at the same house FIVE FULL DAYS LATER?
ECBKuyou: This bears repeating: These are the worst spies. EVER.
From inside the house Conit and Daniel watched over the training. "You know she is trying her best so she can be on this team." Daniel commented not even looking at Conit.
ECBEnglishNazi: Yup. Poor brainwashed Haruhi, willing to do anything so she can stay with the space-psycho child-killing mind-rapist.
ECBKuyou: We already know that Daniel isn't looking at Conit because he's looking at 'the training'. Which we have no idea what 'the training' is, except that Versa is literally marching circles around it.
"I know, but I am afraid of what command will say. She is coming along quite well on the training. But we must remember that she is the second human to join our ranks. The last one died fifteen years on a pod retrieval mission." Conit replied while turning and walking towards the door.
ECBKuyou: Fifteen years ago? Twelve full years before the probes were destroyed, which was what brought you to this planet in the first place?
ECBYoukai: Why do these idiots even know anything about some operation that happened fifteen years ago, anyway? The auth-- er, Conit was all of four years old.
ECBEnglishNazi: Or over the course of fifteen years. Either way. You know, presumably both Tyler and Aledaniel know what happened to the last human. So why did Tyler feel the need to state it?
ECBYoukai: It's clear that the author has no inkling of what continuity actually is.
ECBPax: In this fic, there is no continuity. It has 'Conit'uity instead.
"Yes, but he wasn't trained by Versa Hins." Daniel said turning towards Conit continuing, "And I think it would be a bad idea if you went out there to observe."
ECBEnglishNazi: Ah, that potent unspecified training, makes people so competent.
ECBKuyou: Why is Versa so super-competent? My best guess is that because she's based on an author's friend, he's trying to score RL points with her. I'd be really curious to see how that went down.
Author: "Hey, check out this story I wrote! I meet an anime character, and I included you in the story!
Friend: "That sounds kind of neat. What do I do in your story?"
Author: "It's cool! It's about us being a team space-psycho mind-rapist child-killer!"
Friend: "That's fucking creepy."
Author: "No, it's cool! After the anime character who's body I like has her personality basically replaced by someone who loves me mindlessly, you train her to join us!"
Friend: "Hello, county courthouse? What does it take to get a restraining order?"
"You know that you're right, but command wants me to observe Haruhi while she trains, to make sure she progresses." Conit stated just holding on to the doorknob. "But nowadays I am no longer sure about anything. All of the lost because the traitor. Daniel, we are a command squad. You and I were up for promotion. Now command is going to question us and never promote us. But I am positive that we still will get promoted. Command finds us to valuable to restrict and destroy. Daniel we, the squad, as a whole must not forget who we are fighting. But I am afraid that we will get moved." He continued, turning away from the door and headed towards the communication room.
ECBEnglishNazi: ...There is not a single thing in this paragraph that makes any god-damned sense at all.
ECBKuyou: 'command squad'? Was that supposed to be 'commando squad'? Because I thought they were spies. Not commandos.
ECBYoukai: You're confident you'll get -promoted-? For what, exactly?
ECBEnglishNazi: 1. 'All of the lost because the traitor.' You didn't lose anyone. She managed to epic fail at trying to kill Tyler, and then she got shot.
ECBEnglishNazi: 2. 'Now command is going to question us and never promote us. But I am positive that we still will get promoted.' MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
ECBKuyou: Because people are always up for promotion just before being sent on long-term deep-cover assignments. Because that's totally sensible.
ECBPax: At least command finds them valuable to restrict and destroy.
Over the intercom, Nolt states, "Sir the rest of the SOS Brigade is here to see Mrs. Suzuyima. An annoying male voice stated something about an activity that was planned for today."
ECBYoukai: Suzuyima?
ECBEnglishNazi: So is she Mrs. Suzumiy or Mrs. Suzuyima?
ECBKuyou: Also, I see you're trying to bash Kyon! Exciting. But you want to bash Kyon through narration. What you're actually doing is describing someone being a dick to Kyon for no reason. And certainly not one backed by canon. You said you were writing the other characters aside from Haruhi 'in character', right?
ECBKuyou: What do you expect to accomplish by having your characters all just hate Kyon, who in your fic you have demonstrated so far is reasonable, thoughtful, and shows concern for others? This makes us think that your character and his twisted friends are horrible monsters.
"Tell them I will be there in moment to let them in." Conit replied mad that somehow someone tracked him or one of his squad mates here to their safe haven, their base. When he got to the front door Conit took a breath before opening the door and asking, "Kyon, what the hell do you want now?"
ECBKuyou: Okay, what 'safe haven'?
ECBEnglishNazi: Because you've been taking such precautions with its location so far. Really. Like inviting the person who's being monitored by three different extranormal factions over for dinner.
ECBKuyou: Did we not get just about a quarter of this chapter over how it was already compromised? Let's not even get into Conit just handing over the address to Haruhi in chapter two!
ECBYoukai: Not only that, but somehow he knew about the abilities of the rest of the Brigade in chapter one. Why would he show any kind of surprise at all that any of them could track him down? Hell, Kyon's little sister could probably track down this squad of bozos.
ECBPax: She'd likely be shot at as a suspected enemy combatant. She's military age on Nyancat five (the five is Lowercase).
ECBEnglishNazi: But given everyone on this squad's demonstrated incompetence at killing people, she'd probably be fine.
Kyon stated relatively surprised, "now is that anyway to guests and friends."
ECBKuyou: And Kyon still continues to be the most reasonable person in the fic. Even if that should have been 'asked' and ended with a question mark. And had the word 'treat'.
ECBPax: Also, stating. You can never have enough stating, apparently.
"Kyon as far as YOU are concerned. If MY Command did not see YOU as important, I would have killed you the first day I met you. Now then Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki would you three like to step inside."
ECBEnglishNazi: So we have more "Kyon bashing" that's really just people being a dick to him for no reason.
ECBKuyou: He just threatened to kill him, which on Nyancat five (the five is Lowercase) is a prelude to a declaration of supreme friendship and/or romance!
ECBYoukai: Or an implication that he's already part of the squad.
ECBEnglishNazi: You know, in a proper bash fic, you see things like turning people into rapist sex fiends or evil overlords.
ECBYoukai: But even taking this aside, the only thing this is showing is irrational hatred on the part of the Male towards Kyon. We haven't seen Kyon -do- anything, so what reason could the Male possibly have to hate him or want him dead?
ECBPax: He's a romantic rival. Definitely needs to be killed. Being "not deemed important by MY command" is grounds for murder.
ECBKuyou: It doesn't work to make the audience agree with you or see your point of view. And if you can't be bothered to even try and tell us why we should think Conit's justified, we just think, "Man, Conit's a douche."
ECBPax: I was thinking that already.
ECBKuyou: Which we will add to the list of 'space-psycho', 'mind-rapist,' and 'child-killer'.
Kyon exclaimed, as the other three walked past him into the house, "Hey! what about me Tyler?"
ECBYoukai: That implies that Tyler belongs to Kyon.
ECBKuyou: Actually, why does Kyon care? If he's getting turned down, he wasn't super into the weekend meetings anyway. What he'd probably do is get annoyed, turn around, and walk home.
ECBPax: Presumably he's here to rescue Haurhi.
ECBKuyou: That would make sense. She does need it, after all.
"Meh ok you can come in as well. ' Tyler replied to him with a twitching eyebrow.
ECB: Security, like swiss cheese.
ECBPax: Nice to see the Male taking security seriously.
ECBEnglishNazi: He's got some very articulate eyebrows.
ECBYoukai: Also, way to show the rest of the Brigade trying to reinforce the irrational Kyon-hate, since they didn't even bother to back him up.
ECBPax: They might have had dialogue, but the narration skips it because the Male's eyebrow had something to say.
ECBYoukai: It might have even worked, if... y'know, we weren't already convinced that none of the characters you're showing us have any relation at all to the canon, aside from their names.
ECBKuyou: And 'Haurhi' isn't consistently named correctly, either.
After the door was shut Itsuki asked, "So how is Miss Suzuyima doing today?"
ECBKuyou: Make that 'Suzuyima'. You know, in writing, no one is perfect. Mistakes are made. But if you're going to get something wrong, be consistent about it.
ECBEnglishNazi: Or, even better, go through afterward and fix your mistakes.
ECBYoukai: Oh, and apparently she's divorced now. I guess the Male turned off the spontaneous marriage superpower.
ECBEnglishNazi: Can't have her already married if she's going to be acting as the Male's sex doll.
"Come see for yourselves. I am sure she would love a break for the physical tests. I am also sure that Versa Hins could use something to drink." Conit replied.
ECBEnglishNazi: A break for the physical tests? So that's not what she's been doing already?
ECBKuyou: Haruhi doesn't get to drink?
ECBPax: Did he just use a super-spy's real name with random civilians?
ECB: And let in non-allied forces. And their enemies.
ECBKuyou: Worst. Spies. Ever.
When then group, minus Alexander, reach the backdoor Conit stuck his head out the door and stated, "Versa, Hurahi come on take a break. Haruhi has guests here."
ECBEnglishNazi: So wait. Is she Mrs. Haurhi Suzumiy, or Miss Hurahi Suzuyima?
ECBYoukai: You get it both wrong and right IN THE SAME DAMN LINE. They're SIX WORDS APART and you can't even keep it consistent, much less right.
ECB: I can't put it any better than Youkai is right now. That's impressively bad. That's not even bothering to watch what you're typing bad.
ECBPax: Proofreading this dreck is like stopping to stare into the toilet after taking a dump. I don't blame him for not wanting to examine it closely.
"Okay Sir. Haruhi let's take a break from this wave of training." Versa said to both people now standing in backyard.
ECBYoukai: All I want to know at this point is how soon will this be over, and can we break the writer's fingers afterward?
ECBEnglishNazi: 'Sir' is not a proper noun, and hence should not be capitalized. Just to point this out.
ECBPax: Do you capitalize it if the sir in question is a knight?
ECBEnglishNazi: If you're saying "Sir Whoever", then yes. If you're just saying "yes, sir" to someone who happens to be knighted, then no.
ECBKuyou: Also, what 'both people'? Unless Versa is addressing herself, Conit only stuck his head out the door -- he is not 'standing in backyard'.
ECBYoukai: "Both people now standing in backyard" consists of Versa and the poor brain-damaged sex doll.
Haruhi fell to the ground in a exhausted heap, before weary getting up to a sitting position catching her breath. The heat and constant excersing had left her tired, but with small satisfaction of being stronger. She got to her feet very slowly as Conit made his way to her and Versa had made her way to the door and inside. When he reached her she leaned heavily on him because she was so tired. "You know are working too hard. You must remember we come from a place where the atmosphere has thinner air. So we can train heavier and longer before breaking down. Just try Versa when you need a break she will let you take a breath." Conit tried to make her feel better by saying this, and carrying her bridal style inside the house. All she could do is rest her head on his shoulder. Once inside, he gently, as if she was made of glass, set her down on a chair at the table where all her friends were. He stayed next to her so she could continue to keep her head on his shoulder.
ECBPax: Haurhi "weary gets up to a sitting position." Adjectives are not adverbs. Don't use them as such.
ECBYoukai: There are so many things wrong with this section that I can't even bring myself to get started.
ECBKuyou: Being stronger than what? She was already at peak physical condition! Why does Versa -- the trainer -- just ignore Haruhi collapsing? Why doesn't Versa -- the trainer -- keep a closer eye on the person she's supposed to be training? Isn't she implied to be an awesome trainer?
ECBKuyou: Because she's coming across as being ... well ... as incompetent as everyone else in the fic.
ECBYoukai: I'd say everyone but the Male, since author avatars are usually the only ones that have any competence at all, but I can't even say that much in regards to this fic. Conit's just as brain-damaged as everyone else.
ECBKuyou: Also, bridal carry. Resting head on shoulder. Sitting in a chair. Still resting head on shoulder. You know nothing of anatomy.
ECBPax: Am I to infer that Haurhi has been decapitated to manage all this?
ECBKuyou: I hope if so, she dies and is freed.
ECBYoukai: Agreed. I'm 100% certain that this isn't the real Haruhi, but even the poor sex doll that got left in her place doesn't deserve this.
Itsuki asked out of concern, "Miss Suzumiya are you ok?"
She replies in a raspy voice, "I have… been better… Itsuki… and you."
ECBKuyou: I like how Haruhi can't even be consistent to what Conit describes as her strengths and virtues of character from chapter two.
ECBYoukai: You know, I'd complain about the fact that she has literally never called Koizumi by his first name, but that would require you to actually know something about the Haruhi series.
ECBYoukai: Which you clearly don't.
"Here you go ma'am. Drink up." Haruhi looked up to see who was handing her the glass of water and saw that it was Nolt who had handed her the glass of water before walking off. She drank it with extreme vigor.
ECBKuyou: Because none of her friends can show more concern than to ask if she's okay.
ECBPax: So, Haurhi walked off?
ECBYoukai: So is he handing her a glass of water? I just want to make sure she's being handed a glass of water. Because I thought someone handed her a glass of water.
ECBPax: It needs to be stated three times. Mentioning it twice in one sentence provides insufficient clarity.
"So my friends why are you here today it is Saturday after all." Haruhi stated after finishing off the glass of water.
ECBKuyou: Okay, so 'it' was probably the glass of water. Maybe for clarity, you should replace that 'it' with 'the glass of water'?
ECBYoukai: NOTE TO AUTHOR: ECBKuyou is employing a literary device known as 'sarcasm'. You should not actually take this advice literally. Just pointing it out, since the brain damage might make it less than obvious.
ECBKuyou: Also, in your world, why are all questions stated?
"Um we were going to look for your 'unnatural happenings.'" Kyon replied.
ECBKuyou: Well, that seems to confirm Kyon is here to try and rescue Haruhi.
ECBYoukai: No, it proves that this is not actually Kyon. If Haruhi wasn't making them go on a city search, you really think he'd volunteer?
ECBKuyou: I think Kyon would try and rescue even Asakura Ryouko from the space-psycho mind-rapist child-killer douche-bag. And since the author is not familiar with canon, let me explain that Asakura Ryouko tried to stab Kyon to death.
ECBKuyou: Twice.
ECBYoukai: I'm quite confident he managed to escape with the rest of the actual cast when he called us in.
ECBPax: Since these monstrous doppelgangers are intent on acting completely opposite their canon counterparts, it makes sense for "Kyon" to do this.
ECBYoukai: Since these are all just poorly-trained stand-ins, quite clearly.
Haruhi relies in calm voice, "Well the only unnatural people in this town are sitting at this table. An esper, an alien who may I add is no more of an data entity, and a time traveler. I need no longer look for them. For they, but minus their enemies are in front of me."
ECBKuyou: 'relies'? So she depends on calm voices? I can see why they said Kyon's was annoying, then -- it's a threat to give Haruhi something other than the Male to rely on!
ECBYoukai: Wait, when did Haruhi find out about all of this? Or did the Male just break the masquerade as a prelude to hugging?
ECBKuyou: Evidently he did, and Haruhi is also so in WUV that she gave up her defining character motivation. Why have fun with the very people she was looking for when she can train to murder children along with the mind-rapist?
ECBPax: I suppose she's still unaware that the super-spies are also aliens? The story hasn't been very clear on whether Haurhi knows the anti-nakama squad is aliens or not. She heard the story from the Male earlier, but now she's not including them as aliens.
ECB: When did she learn that information?
ECBEnglishNazi: 'For they, but minus their enemies are in front of me'? Is that a sentence? I'm pretty sure that isn't a sentence.
ECBYoukai: Also, if you've only seen the anime, -they don't have enemies-. The only enemies for the Brigade are strictly from the novels, unless you count Asakura.
To say everyone was shocked would be an over statement Yuki and Conit were the only two whom were not surprised.
ECB: You know, some people believe in a bit of lead in before having characters suddenly realize world changing facts without anyone telling them. Other people are named Conit.
ECBEnglishNazi: The bus-colliding theory of sentence construction, plus you mean "understatement". Also, if you don't know the difference between "who" and "whom", don't use "whom", because it'll just sound stupid.
ECBPax: It's like he looked out over his steaming pile of ficshit and decided, "this needs to be worse."
ECBKuyou: Though, a serious question. How did Haruhi surprise herself with that statement? My guess? The Male has progressed from using her as a love-doll to a puppet.
"…" the other three remained silent for the next few minutes. Too have information they successfully hid for a year so easily found out. The mass of the fear was from now the world now collapsing in front of them.
ECBEnglishNazi: ...There is nothing about that line which is not horrible. 'The mass of the fear was from now the world now collapsing in front of them.' This is really not a sentence. At all.
ECBPax: Kyon told Haruhi what was going on, but she didn't believe him. She'll believe this guy she met a week ago, though, because he's the Male.
ECBYoukai: Okay, I'm going to take a bit of a digression here, because I really am going to throw up if I focus on this fic too much. Breaking the masquerade is a really common and popular theme in Haruhi fanfiction, because it's a very obvious way of shaking up the status quo and forcing some rapid character development among a lot of the characters.
ECBYoukai: Usually, this requires some serious planning to figure out exactly how this will happen, what the consequences of Haruhi finding out are, etc.
ECBYoukai: YOU DO NOT DO IT OFFHAND.
ECBEnglishNazi: Even less, off-screen.
ECBYoukai: It's a serious enough theme for this particular 'verse that it should -never- be tackled lightly, outside of pure humor. And there is nothing comedic about this travesty of a fic. Not even unintentionally.
ECB: This is a blathering of words, bereft of grammar. At no point in this entire line did you ever come close to something that resembled valid English. You have continually failed to demonstrate even a second grade level of grammar and we should feel sorry for how completely inept you are. Let us have a moment of silence for the the blank space that has been slaughtered with your story.
"Don't worry I also have complete control over my mental abilities of controlling this world. Or at least what I can create and destroy in it." She stated answering their silent demises.
ECBKuyou: There is so much wrong with this.
ECBEnglishNazi: ...There is nothing about this line which is not horrible, either.
ECBYoukai: Silent demises? You mean they died quietly? Lucky them.
ECBKuyou: First of all.... Haruhi is a reality warper. She can do anything. Why is she training? She could make herself physically ideal instantly.
ECBYoukai: And arguably had done so even -before- she knew she was a reality warper.
ECBKuyou: Why does she give a damn about stupid 'avatar' powers? She could rewrite the world as she sees fit.
ECBEnglishNazi: Granted, it is cool to be able to throw fire, though the Male having the power may taint it irreparably by association. But Haruhi doesn't need to train to do that.
ECBKuyou: As well as not needing to breathe, to totally surpass the 'thin atmosphere' advantage the Nyancats have.
ECBPax: Haruhi being in peak physical condition would get in the way of the auth- "Conit" carrying her around bridal-style like a piece of glass. Therefore, Haurhi is now a wuss.
ECBKuyou: I think the way that the fic works is.... Haruhi can be as awesome as she wants. As long as she remembers her place and never surpasses the Male. I would put money on that being the case. Hell, I'd stake my life on it.
"Now that cat is out of the bag. On to the next one," Conit stated before pulling a gun out and pointed it at Kyon's head.
ECBEnglishNazi: ...Well, this is out of nowhere.
ECBPax: Hooray, Kyon gets an escape route from the fic!
ECBEnglishNazi: Also, tenses, and god-damned 'stated' again.
"What the hell are you doing?!" Mikuru exclaimed now scared out her mind. Kyon could only cross his eyes looking at the gun with a worried look on his face not able to react to it.
ECBYoukai: So he's not able to react to it, except that he crossed his eyes. That would be a reaction to having a gun stuck in his face.
ECBEnglishNazi: Because it's so in character for Mikuru to A. be articulate in the face of sudden surprising danger, and B. curse.
ECBEnglishNazi: Also, not that I'm expecting the Male to show anything like competence at...anything, really, but if you want to threaten someone with a gun, doing it from within arms' reach is moronic.
"Carrying out an order from my command, they only saw him as important as long as Haruhi remained untrained with her powers. The powers, of which each of the three that sit beside you now, have different opinions about, but they will never understand the power she has. She is trained and with her powers are under control and her training continues to intensify the powers abilities."
ECBKuyou: So ... Conit is lying. He's 'carrying out an order' and earlier 'was ordered not to kill him'. Which one is it?
ECBEnglishNazi: So wait, his orders were to only let Kyon live for as long as Haruhi needed him to remain stable? Do these people make a habit of just killing random people for grins?
ECBYoukai: Apparently -she- doesn't understand them either, and neither do you. Because if she did, she wouldn't give a flying fuck about your idiotic training. But we've been over that.
ECBPax: Okay, so now that Kyon is "not important" they need to kill him. Way to stay covert, super-spies.
ECBKuyou: I guess the only way this makes sense is if it confirms the Male mind-raping the revelation into Haruhi right then.
ECBKuyou: Because Conit/the Male hates Kyon so much, he's willing to violate Haruhi's mind for vengeance.
ECBEnglishNazi: He's willing to violate Haruhi's mind to make her into his sex doll. He's willing to violate Haruhi's mind at the drop of a hat, apparently.
ECBYoukai: Why would he stick at doing it again just to justify his hate-on for Kyon?
ECBPax: Why hasn't Yuki put a stop to all this? She certainly could. Even with the author avatar Avatar's laundry list of bullshit powers, she's far more capable than he is.
ECBKuyou: I think Haruhi just realized what was going on. With Conit's attention elsewhere, she cast Conit into a fantasy realm. A closed space just for Conit.
"You can't be serious about would you kill him!" Mikuru exclaimed wanting to hurt Conit, but she knows the bullet would hit her first then Kyon.
ECBKuyou: Mikuru wanting to hurt someone, instead of just wanting Kyon to be safe?
ECBYoukai: Nothing unusual about that. Anyone in their right mind would want to hurt Conit.
ECBEnglishNazi: So wait, the Male has the same bullet-curving powers as Haruhi does?
ECBKuyou: Yet another power for his stupidly long list. Also, Mikuru's dialog. Grammatical bus collision again.
"But I am. You see he is the key to the war isn't that Kyon? You have been bribed by the enemy of mine. Quite a large sum, close to thirty million yen and a slave wife correct is that close or dead on." Conit states barely pulling the trigger having the hammer lock halfway back.
ECBEnglishNazi: Bribed to do what?
ECBKuyou: What gun is this? Because most of the other guns have been described in annoying detail. All we know about this one is that it has a hammer.
ECBKuyou: And was the slave wife Haruhi?
ECBEnglishNazi: What is Conit's hypothetical enemy wanting Kyon to do?
ECBKuyou: Was Kyon working with the enemy against the Male to try and free her?
ECBYoukai: Is Conit lying through his teeth just for an excuse to kill Kyon? I think he is. It's not like we have any evidence of any kind to support this claim.
ECBPax: We still don't know who these enemies are, other than that their ages apparently average around ten.
ECBEnglishNazi: Maybe his enemies are the Naruto world. I think a ten-year-old Itachi could wipe the floor with...pretty much everyone on Nyancat five (The five Is Lowercase). At once.
ECBKuyou: Also, while it's not perfect, you can always do a quick little trick to approximate the value of yen. Drop two zeros.
ECBYoukai: So he did this for $300k. Talk about your thirty pieces of silver.
ECBPax: And a slave wife! Pot: "Kettle, you're so black!"
ECB: What's silly about it is that if there are enemies around that have the resources to bribe someone 30 million yen and a slave wife, that they haven't simply come in and killed her. I mean that's enough money to hire someone to take a pot-shot that isn't a scrawny high schooler.
ECB: I mean the premise of Kyon's villainy here basically is that Conit's 'enemy' is incompetent and can't be bothered to hire a sniper.
ECBYoukai: It's sad to say, but that may be the best she could hope for. At this point I fear the brain damage and mind-rape are irreversible.
"Dead on, but they did teach me one trick and that was . . . This" Kyon stated bringing Conit and himself into the mindscape battlefield.
ECBYoukai: ...right.
ECBPax: More bullshit out of nowhere!
ECBEnglishNazi: The 'mindscape battlefield'? You mean closed space? If so, why not say it? If not, why the hell are you just pulling something completely new out of your ass?
ECBKuyou: Why are there spaces between these periods, but you used the ellipses special character earlier?
ECBYoukai: You know that closed space hypothesis? That's sounding -really- good right now.
ECBKuyou: Also, it looks like Conit is projecting the ability into Kyon to make it look like self-defense while he murders Kyon.
ECBYoukai: There's literally no other way I can see this happening, since Kyon -isn't- a reality warper and has been repeatedly confirmed by multiple parties to be 100% average normal human.
"Hahahaha, you now have a smaller chance of winning here than you did out in the real world. Hit me with your best shot." Conit stated.
ECBYoukai: Ah, and now we have the inevitable "SI shows how completely superior and untouchable he is" scene.
ECBKuyou: If I still thought you had a snowflake's chance in hell of improving, I'd give you a speech about boring invincible characters (Conit's a villain, here). Instead I'm just going to say, 'at least this will be fast'.
ECBEnglishNazi: Stated. This word. This word. This word this word this word thiswordthiswordthiswordthiswordthisword
ECBYoukai hits ECBEnglishNazi with a chair.
ECBPax: This word. It is an eyesore.
ECBEnglishNazi stabs the word 'stated'.
ECBKuyou: Congratulations, author. You've managed to make the word 'stated' have a foul taste in my mouth.
Kyon let a energy blast from his hands fly towards Conti. Who had massive shields and they took the majority of the blast. Conit stood up then at the near speed of light movement. He then hit Kyon into the air transmitted above him then he hit Kyon with an overpowered energy blast, sent both of back to the real world. At which time Conit pulled the trigger on the Desert Eagle pointed at Kyon's head spreading his blood across the wall behind.
ECBKuyou: Fuck, man! You can't even get YOUR OWN CHARACTER'S names spelled consistently? Maybe if you didn't have three names per character, you could keep them straight! There is no hope for you.
ECBEnglishNazi: You have a really bad habit of shoving action sequences into single paragraphs with no description whatsoever.
ECBYoukai: So the gun is a Desert Eagle.
ECBPax: They're horribly impractical as far as handguns go.
ECBEnglishNazi: Not to mention that they don't actually have 'hammers' in the sense that the author was describing earlier. Though do you really expect better from the Male?
ECBYoukai: And you can't even be creative in killing Kyon. You have twenty-three million and six different superpowers... and you shoot him in the head?
ECBKuyou: Another superpower I didn't think about. The Male can move at near-relativistic speeds without concerns like friction, inertia, or his body tearing itself into component atoms due to gravitational stresses. Must be nice.
ECBPax: Nope. It's just "suddenly I have energy shields" and then shooting.
ECBEnglishNazi: Also, that's got to be the stupidest way to say 'shot him in the head' ever. 'pulled the trigger on the gun pointed at his head'?
ECBPax: So, Yuki has demonstrated the ability in the past to intercept lasers before they hit Kyon. But a bullet? Nope, totally beyond her capabilities.
ECBKuyou: Closed-space Yuki doesn't care. This whole universe is full of puppets to protect the real cast from the brain-damage.
ECBYoukai: So. The Male has painted the wall with the contents of Kyon's skull. I can't -wait- to see how Haruhi and the rest of the Brigade react.
Conit then asked in a solemn voice, "Anyone want to join him?"
ECBYoukai: Also, that whole creepy-psycho thing just got ratcheted up another notch. "Here, I'm going to shoot your friend in the head, and I will shoot you if you give me even the slightest excuse."
ECBPax: He shoots people because they aren't important. My only hope is that he deems the rest of the puppet-brigade follows "Kyon" out of the fic.
ECBKuyou: This guy basically just used his mind-control to make Kyon claim he was a bad guy, so he'd have an excuse to kill him.
ECBYoukai: That's the way it's looking to me.
ECBKuyou: He couldn't be more creepy and possessive unless he peed on Haruhi to mark her as his property!
ECBEnglishNazi: Of course, it goes without saying that Haruhi doesn't react to this at all, despite the fact that she's known Kyon for about fifty times longer than she's known the Male and demonstrably felt more for Kyon than for said Male.
ECBYoukai: Well yes. Having turned back from rewriting the world for Kyon's sake obviously means less than mind-rape.
How was the story? Please a review. Not all of the stories I write will end in this style. The mystery is how it is finished on the note of a question or a death. Enjoy the stories you read. Please review, and favorite towards me
ECBEnglishNazi: 'Please a review.'
ECBKuyou: Also, since Kyon was shot in the head, how is that finished on a 'note of a question or a death'? He's dead. End of story.
ECBKuyou: This was a miserable experience from beginning to end, and every part of it that could be critiqued was bad. The only thing you got remotely right, was having separate paragraphs. And frequently, you diverged into massive eye-gouging blocks of text that were even more tedious to wade through than the rest of the fic in general.
ECBPax: My review: This is not a very good fic.
ECBKuyou: This is not a very good fic.
ECBHateMachine: This is not a very good fic.
ECBEnglishNazi: This is not a very good fic.
ECBYoukai: I'll amend that for mine: This is a very not-good fic.
ECBYoukai: So, to sum up:
ECBYoukai: Your main character is a psychotic, child-murdering mind-rapist, who has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Not. One.
ECBEnglishNazi: You replace Haruhi with a spineless, pathetic, dependent doll, solely for the sake of your own desires and wish fulfillment.
ECBYoukai: From the fact that you've described Haruhi as 'slightly OOC', you've either never read or seen anything related to the Haruhi franchise, or you're so lost in your own private set of delusions that you think -any- character in this fic bears even a passing resemblance to canon.
ECBYoukai: You could not find 'in-character' with a GPS, a team of surveyors, and a pack of trained bloodhounds.
ECBEnglishNazi: This fic is not only 'bad', it is aggressively, infectiously toxic, such that it has tainted the minds of everyone here nigh unto death.
ECBPax: This fic is blatant wish-fulfillment, but worse than that, your wishes are abhorrent. The character you wish you could be is awful in every way imaginable. I find the very fact of your existence offensive.
ECBKuyou: Was there anything good about your story?
ECBPax: I enjoyed the parts where, due to narrative incompetence, the asshole main character was shown being beaten and left to bleed out for nearly a full day.
ECBKuyou: Now, this will be reiterating a lot of the points that we went over in previous chapters -- they're being brought together here for a final summary for ease-of-reading, and also to benefit anyone who just skips to the end.
ECBKuyou: First and foremost, there is nothing inherently wrong or bad about writing a blatant wish-fulfillment fic. Many people do that in the form of 'fix' fics, where they want to 'correct' something in canon they didn't agree with. I've written a small number of those myself. Quite a few good fics have resulted from that premise!
ECBKuyou: There's nothing wrong or bad about writing a wish-fulfillment fic that's entirely self-serving or written wholly for personal gratification. There are any number of terrible self-inserts (like this fic) that are all about the author writing himself going to the Ranma-verse, for example, to bang the entire female cast. The mistake those authors -- and you -- have made, is assuming anyone else wants to read them.
ECBKuyou: The vast majority of self-insert authors these days are much more clever and ironic in their work, focusing on making their characters sympathetic instead of pathetic children who get what the author wants through author fiat. There's a reason that this kind of work (yours) is referred to as 'masturbatory'. Just like actually getting yourself off, it's something you should not share.
ECBKuyou: Your story is about as disturbing as the concept of someone dropping their pants in public to satisfy themselves in full view, and expecting some sort of positive response for it. There are probably places where such an action could be considered a bizarre form of performance art, or more likely, some disturbing sort of fetish fuel. The venue you have chosen is not such a place.
ECBKuyou: Aside from that, and pretending it was somehow a positive thing to share the foulness that you have, your story is atrociously written. Your grammar is offensively bad, and without question, every English-as-a-Second-Language author that I have ever worked with has done a better job than you. Grammar aside, and ignoring the terrible characterization issues, even your basic storytelling is abysmal.
ECBKuyou: Finally, and most disturbingly, just to hammer it home: Your character (Conit/Tyler/whatever) is a villain. He is unquestionably evil. You failed to make him heroic in any light, which is why we chose to call his effect on Haruhi 'mind-rape' and 'brain damage'. You are writing a book, and it's presumably about this monstrous main character (who appears to be a self-insert of yourself). Why should anyone care? He needs to be heroic; you can't just have him do whatever sounds 'cool' and say he's heroic.
ECBKuyou: In short, if you want to share a story, share an actual story, not something you write to wank to. In the simplest words I can find:
ECBKuyou: Your story was bad, and you should feel bad.
ECBKuyou: And so concludes ECB vs. Creepy Wish Fulfillment Author and his tale of creation's least competent super-spy, the Space-Psycho Child-Killing Mind-Rapist.