Ranma 1/2 = (C) of Shogakukan "Interviews" by WebDragon ----------------- The scene opens with the interviewer, named 'Mr. Interviewer', sitting in a typical office, shuffling papers aimlessly to and fro....awaiting the first person to be interviewed.....and a certain lavendar haired cutie walks in. Mr. Interviewer gets right down to business. ------------------ *Name? Shampoo. *Last name? Shampoo *Umm...That's your first name. Shampoo know. Shampoo is Shampoo. Shampoo is NOT Pantene Pro V. Say Shampoo is Pantene Pro V, like last interviewer, and Shampoo KILL! *OK OK OK OK OK OK!! Phew. Sex? What you saying? Shampoo no look female? Shampoo no look like girl? KILL!!! *ARRGH!! OK OK! Female. And age? Stupid interviewer no can tell Shampoo's age? Stupid interviewer think Shampoo is no 16 years old?? KILL!!!! *Alright, alright!! Sixteen it is!! And....what position are you applying for, Shampoo Shampoo? What this about Shampoo Shampoo? Shampoo is Shampoo. Shampoo Shampoo is not Shampoo, Shampoo says. Shampoo is Shampoo's name. You no listen too well, interviewer? You no take Amazon seriously?? KILL!!! *Alright, alright!! Shampoo. What position are you applying for? Shampoo want to become Ranma's wife. * Well, Shampoo. What qualifications do you have? You no believe Shampoo is perfect wife for Ranma? You still ask Shampoo for....qua-lee-fictations? What word is quarrel-fixations? Shampoo no understand. KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *NO! NO!! You don't understand! Shampoo understand!! (pauses) Well....Shampoo no understand and Shampoo understand!! You no want Shampoo become Ranma's wife!! *You see, this information has to be processed by the subsection 34b/ff of the government, and the resulting form has to pass bureaucratic red tape and sent to the marriage counselling section, particle 445.r/fjkj of the subclause 554.b/g of subsection..... You make Shampoo dizzy. Get on with interview or Shampoo kill. * Ahem. Well...what qualifications do you have? Shampoo can cook. Shampoo know how to make *special* shuumai...make Ranma come back for more!! Shampoo know martial arts. Shampoo dedicated. Shampoo resourceful. Shampoo beautiful...(glares at interviewer) you no think so? *OF COURSE I DO!! OF COURSE!! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!!! You no say that so that Shampoo's heart no break? * Of course, Shampoo. Do go on. Shampoo know how wash Ranma's back in bath! Shampoo open. Shampoo....know how use bonbori! (whips out the bonbori) *Of course you do, Shampoo. Of course you do. Can you put those bonbori down, please? (puts bonbori down) That all. Shampoo qualifixate? *That's 'qualify'. Shampoo know!!! You think Shampoo not smart? You make fun of Shampoo accent? KILL!!!! *YEEAAHRGH!! No!! Stop twisting my arm like that, Shampoo!! Shampoo!! What interviewer say just now? Shampoo Shampoo? Shampoo told stupid interviewer that Shampoo Shampoo is not real Shampoo. Real Shampoo is Shampoo, not Shampoo Shampoo, Shampoo says. Get point, interviewer? (twists some more) *ARRGH! Pooh. You no fun. (releases interviewer) Now. Shampoo qualifly? *I'll get back to you in a couple of days on that, Shampoo. So Shampoo no qualifry? Do Shampoo's ears deceive Shampoo? *In two days, Shampoo. 48 hours. You'll receive a fax from me. Shampoo receive facts from interviewer? This facts for interviewer : If Shampoo no get Ranma, interviewer get meet maker. Is clear? *Crystal. Good. Now Shampoo go. (crashes through a wall with bike and takes off) -------------------- The next hour, Mr. Interviewer is again shuffling papers aimlessly on his desk. There is the click of high heels outside his office door to warn him, before a girl with short-cropped hair (is that a riding whip in her hands?) opens the door, steps in, and shuts it behind her - like that of a prison door shutting. ---------------- *Name? Nabiki Tendo. *click* *Sex? No thank you. You're not my type. *click* *Say...what are these *click* sounds? My tape recorder. You want to hear? *....Sure. I'll rewind first....(rewind). Now. *click* [No thank you. You're not my type.] Oh my, Mr. interviewer. What a bold statement. You know, there is a law against sexual harassment, isn't there? *Huh? What?! This is blackmail!! 10 000 yen and the tape is yours. *What!? This is an outrage!! If you don't want it....then.... *OK OK! I'll pay!! (rips out 10 000 yen and pays it. Then crushes tape into itty-bitty pieces with heel of foot) (smirks) Ok. Now, let's get on with the interview. (muffled *click*) *GRR.. Harumph!! Anyhow...how old are you? Old enough for you. *click* *What the...? You know the drill. 10 000 yen. *ARRGH!!! (pays 10 000 yen) I've got to watch my questions around you, you know that?! Yes, I do know that. Do go on, Mr. Interviewer. *What position are you applying for? Certified Management Accounting co-ordinator. (muffled *click*) *What? You mean you don't want to become a wife? Aren't you going to regale me with how good a cook you are, like.....huh? *click* Oh my, Mr. Interviewer. Is that sexual stereotyping I hear? Bad, bad boy! *(10 000 yen is handed over) How many tape recorders do you have on you, anyhow?! Care to look? Many, many places. *I won't answer that. Smart move. Anyhow...? *Ahem. Qualifricatitions? I mean....qualifications? I'm good at numbers. I like money, as you doubtlessly know. I'm resourceful. I'm smart. Do you not think so that I'm quite smart, am I not? *I won't answer that either. Just go on. Anyhow, let me at your accounts and I'll find ways to streamline and skim...I mean, trim your budget. *Too bad I don't have a tape recorder on me. Always be prepared, Mr. Interviewer. Well? *I'll send you the sex...I mean, the facts...I mean...the fax in two days. (wipes brow and peers at Nabiki) Don't worry, I didn't have a tape recorder going. Silly me, eh? Anyhow, I must be going. Good day. (Nabiki leaves.) *GOD, what a manipulative, money-grubbing.....female that was!! I wish I could....rrrghgh!!! (Nabiki walks back in) Huh? What are you doing back here? Oh yeah. Forgot to mention that I had bugged your office. For me to get rid of our taped interview, including your last outburst, I'll accept no less than 50 000 yen. In cash. Oh, and I DID edit out all my...mistakes, so no chance of using it against me. Well? *(Pays the money without a word.) Thank--you!! (Nabiki pulls out a bug from the desk and leaves. She tosses a tape over her shoulder and it lands near the interviewer's foot) *(Looks at it for a second. Then grinds it into powder. Does not say a word for the next two hours, looking fearfully in nooks and crannies for bugs....) --------------------- The door opens and Mr. Interviewer straightens up from the floor, after examining a crack in the corner for bugs of any sort. A...lady walks in with her hands behind her back. She has long hair and a perpetual-seeming smile on her face. She is wearing a dress and a pair of non-descript shoes. ---------------- *Umm....name? Kasumi Tendo. *Say, you have a nice voice! (Kasumi.....my friend told me something about Kasumi....but I can't remember what. Oh well.) Oh my. Thank you, Mr. Interviewer. *Anyhow, I'll skip over the next question for you are obviously female....anyhow...age? Nineteen. *Only 19? Wow. You sound so mature! (smiles) Oh my...! *Ahem. Anyhow...what position are you applying for? Well....it may seem strange, but 'homemaker'. *There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker, Kasumi. Oh, no. I didn't say that. *Ah well. Anyhow, what qualifications do you have, Miss Tendo? I can cook moderately well. I know how to run a home effectively, Mr. Interviewer. I've been learning so for the past 14 years. Oh, and I specialize in MSRT. *MSRT? Miscellaneous Stress Relieving Techniques. My follower, my only one I might add, thought that up for me. I originally give backrubs but people fall apart too often. *Fall apart? You mean, they got 'stressed out'. Yes. That's it. Though I can't understand why.....(hangs head a bit) *Why don't you give me a backrub, Kasumi? I'm sure you'll do it just fine. Just let me have it right on the back and I'm sure I'll feel MUCH better after. Thanks, Mr. Interviewer. Now, turn around. Just wait a few seconds, ok? *Ok. *SHING* *SHING* *SHING* *SHING* *SHING* *SHING* [DUM....DUM...DE-DUM....DUMM...DE-DUM DUM DUM DUM DUMMM!!!!!] --------------------- Mr. Interviewer falls heavily into his chair and heaves a sigh of relief. Luckily that Shampoo girl had smashed a hole in his office....otherwise he would never have gotten away from the last interview....the scrape of stone on steel was what had warned him.....(arrgh. Best not to think about it.) The door slams open and some guy...wearing a kendo...(ummm) skirt walks in. ----------------- *Name? I am known as the great Tatewaki Kuno, the rising young star of the Kendo world, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High. I, being fair of face and tall of bearing, am the only one worthy to bear that mantle, admittedly heavy ofttimes. Prithee....onwards, I say. Throw thy questions upon mine unbesmirched, and oft-challenged, self and you will find that the great Tatewaki Kuno will not be found wanting. Speak, my good man. * Umm....we'll skip the next question. What? Thou wouldst have the impertinence and the temerity to deny me the opportunity of answering the next query? Churl!! Knave!! Thou art almost as wretched as Saotome, he who keeps my goddess in pigtails captive. Speak, or face the full wrath of he who dubs himself the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!! (words echo and lightning lights up the sky, even though it is unclouded) * (sigh) What is your sex? Thou wouldst ask that question of the Blue Thunder?! Do you not see, my good idiot, the manly breadth of my shoulders? The short-cropped locks upon my august head? What in the Seven Hells had possessed you, clown, to ask such a question of Tatewaki Kuno? *Alright! Alright!! What is your age? I, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, the rising young star of the Kendo world, he who fought Saotome and bested him with a wound to the throat, am aged 17. 17 years on this earth, have I lived. Not so long a time, all things accounted, yet is not the prime of my life yet to come? *snorr.....huh? You're finished? Ok. What position are you applying for? I would date with the pigtailed girl and Akane Tendo!! *That is a fantasy, not a position. Position? Thou wouldst question my choice of profession, knave? (tip of bokken to interviewer's face) *Of course not!! Go on!! Qualifications? The pigtailed girl, gentle and sweet as the lily, and Akane Tendo, strong and fierce like the dragonness. Ahh...how apart these two seem, yet how they strike a chord in my soul! Truly, fire and ice are as one to me, and so are the pigtailed girl and Akane Tendo! Like the wind, the pigtailed girl comes and goes, and ever does she grow in her love for me. Akane Tendo, oft-seen yet cherished like one does to a polished diamond.....! The pigtailed girl, less-seen yet prized no less than the fierce dragonness of the Tendo clan. Truly, my good man, it would be seemly, would it not, to date with them both? *Umm.....yeah. True. Anyhow, time is of the essence for I must get myself hence and once more date Akane Tendo!! Am I not qualified? *I'll send you a fax in a couple of days. A fax? What be this new invention? Facts? FAQs? As unseemly as it may be, I must be taking my leave. In two days time I expect this....fax and I hope, for your sake, that it reads true and well. Farewell. Adieu. (Kuno leaves with a flourish) *Certified Nut. That's what he was. First his sister. Then Akane Tendo. Then Pantene...I mean, Shampoo. Then Nabiki, the bilker. Then Kasumi....damn was I ever lucky to get out of that one, or what. And now him. Time to start looking for a new job, I think. ---------------------- Mr. Interviewer sees a teenage girl with short, black hair, walk in. She is holding a Tupperware (tm) under one arm....rather tightly, he noticed, almost as if it might jump out of her grip and run amok....(nahh.) ------------------ *And what might your name be? Akane Tendo. *We'll skip over the next question. Stupid one, really, but they said that with some people you never know. Like that Tsubasa guy my colleague was interviewing the other day. Anyhow...age? Sixteen. *And what are you applying for? To.....*blush* become Ranma Saotome's.......wife. *Ranma Saotome? But Shamp...ahh... I mean.... anyhow...what qualifications do you have? Well.....I can cook. Real well. *Really? And what do you mean by 'real well'? People say it's fresh! Exciting!! It moves...I mean, it's moving! No, sorry, I mean...it moves the spirit! (pause) *Do go on, Ms. Tendo. It perks people right up! Really. Would you like to try a sample? (eagerly produces a Tupperware (tm) and opens it.) *Umm....excuse me, but did something move in there or is it just my imagination? It's probably the rice settling on the mayonnaise while the melted caramel and chopped up onions mix, you know? Anyhow, try this shrimp!! (produces chopsticks and picks up a....well..something that LOOKS like a shrimp) *Is this a shrimp, Ms Tendo? Of course it is. Can't you see? *Of course I can. Umm....SAY! Who's that I just saw falling past the window? Where? Where?! *(dumps the shrimp into a nearby plant and covers it over with soil.) Ahh, it's just my imagination. Anyhow, your cooking was excellent. Really?! Then try some more!! *(the plant shivers a bit) Ahh...no thank you, Ms. Tendo. I've already eaten before. Oh. Alright. (the stuff in the Tupperware moves just slightly, something the interviewer does NOT miss, and Akane clamps the lid shut on it.) Anyhow, I'm a good repairperson too. I have an abundant supply of mallets at hand, whenever I...need them. I can sew and knit real good. In fact, my sewing has been rated 'Industrial Strength Stitching' and my scarves are multipurpose. For instance, did you know they double as fishing nets? *(the plant starts to mutate and it begins to try and eat the interviewer, although with minimal success.) Ahh....(shoos the plant away with hand) yes, of course. Multi-talented, yes? Yes!! I'm so glad you understand! Anyhow, that's just about it, I guess. *(now whapping plant with ashtray, the interviewer is kinda leaning AWAY from the monster-plant) Alright, Ms Tendo. I'll...send you a fax in two days, alright? Thank you. By the way, what's wrong with your plant? *Nothing!! (whapwhapwhapwhapwhapwhapwhap) Nothing at all! Alright. If you say so. See ya!! (she leaves, clutching her Tupperware under an arm) *(the plant leans in to engulf the interviewer but he scoots out of range, throwing the ashtray at it.) Damned shrimp. Now what am I gonna do? --------------------- The desk is as FAR away from the plant as possible, and Mr. Interviewer is nervously watching it writhe in its pot. (any moment now and it'll grow legs or wings, and it'll be the "Night of the Triffids" all over again!). There is a slightly maniacal chuckle from outside the office and the door opens. A teenage girl, with a ponytail...growing out the side of her head, walks in. ------------------ *Umm....don't mind my pet plant in the corner. Name? Kodachi Kuno. You have a nice plant, Mr. Interviewer...wa haa haa haaaaa! *Of course. Nice plant...niiiice plant....goooood plant....you won't try and eat me, will you...arrgh!! It just missed me by a few inches!! (indeed, the plant had grown an extra three feet in the space of five seconds) Wa haa haa haaa haa ha ha haa haaaa haa haaaa...ahh haaa ha ha ha ha ha. *Anyhow, we all know what sex you are... Dare you insinuate the rising young star of St.Hebereke's school of Rhythmic Gymnastics is anything but female? Insolent fool! Cur! *Gee, you sound like someone I know...ah. Yes. Your brother was in here. Get on with the interview. *Ahem. Yes. Age? Well....this one, named the Black Rose by all who fear her, was sadly imprisoned by an evil ogre in a MH until the age of 9. Then 'she' was reborn into the world. I would now be 7, since my rebirth. *Meaning you're sixteen. Ok. And what position are you applying for? Ranma-sama Saotome's wife. *Really? What a surprise. Anyhow, what qualifications do you have, Ms. Kuno? I'm an excellent cook. *So is everyone who had come into this office, except Kuno. (looks nervously at the plant) You wouldn't happen to work for a certain bioweapons division of a certain company, would you? No, what makes you say such a thing of the great Kodachi Kuno? Wa ha ha ha ha ha haaa haa haaa haaaaaaaa! *Umm...yeah. (slides sharp pencils, pens, scissors, papers-that-might-give-papercuts, anything, out of her reach) Do go on. I've been told my cooking makes people SWOON with delight. Or sometimes, they go stock-still with heavenly rapture! Such is my cooking that it can inspire such reactions from those who taste it. I have an excellent sense of humor, as you no doubt know already...wa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haa haaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaa! Fair Play is my middle name, I'm very honorable! Oh, did I mention how truthful I am? Really. I also have an indepth knowledge of gardening, particularly...'exotic' herbs and spices. (the plant growls and snaps at her) Oh, I do so love your plant, Mr. Interviewer!! Anyhow, I'm also an excellent chemist and I LOVE animals. Especially....'exotic' animals. *Umm...yeah. Ok. Got all that down. Now, do I qualify or do I not? *Sigh* I'll send you a fax in a couple of days. Unlike my brother, I do know what a fax is. I'll be awaiting your reply, Mr. Interviewer. (stands up and throws off her overcoat, revealing that she is dressed in a leotard. She pulls out a ribbon and twirls it, creating black rose petals out of nowhere) Wa ha ha ha ha ha haa haaa ahaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaaaaa!!!! You don't mind if I take your pet plant, do you Mr. Interviewer (it growls and snaps at Kodachi and the interviewer) *NO!! No!! Of course NOT!!! Take it!! By all means!! (her ribbon wraps about the plant and Kodachi leaps out the window, dragging the overgrown, mutant venus-flytrap behind her. The sounds of her maniacal laughter fade in the distance.) *Phew. One nut down. Now ONE more to go. Who's this...ah ha. Ranma Saotome. At last, I get to meet the guy who's causing me all these problems!!!!!!! -----------------