Disclaimer: The light novels of Suzumiya Haruhi are the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No disrespect is intended by the posting of this fanfiction, as I do not own the characters or settings involved. I'm merely dabbling with another set of paints.
Note: Contains spoilers through book eleven.
How surely can someone know that they love someone? I mean, really, really know? They can believe it easily enough, but even truly understanding what love is may be so difficult that some people never get it as right as they think they do.
I could have a slight bias there, though. I was, after all, mostly copied from what she saw as her own better attributes. I mean, she loves him, so I do, too. I could vouch that she's right about it, even if she doesn't realize it. I may be limited in a lot of ways, since I was made just for a purpose, but that's not all I can do.
A hammer is designed to drive in nails, but you can still use it as a paperweight, can't you?
I don't think a hammer can fall in love, though that may depend entirely on her.
So even if I was made for a purpose, I had some extra perks. I got to experience things that I wouldn't have, if I hadn't been needed in the first place. I got a fleeting chance to exist. There's an infinity of things that never even get that, after all!
So even if I am a tool made for a job, I can do more.... I wonder if I was really the best designed tool for the job, though. What good does being in love do me? I'd be doing what I was made for regardless of my feelings, wouldn't I?
But those 'perks' let me do things anyway. They let me envy Nagato-san's ability to make decisions about her future for herself. I could be a little jealous of Asahina-sempai's ability to see the future as a mystery, full of unknown surprises. And most of all, I could wish I had Koizumi-san's freedom to go against his superiors, even if he never really used it.
This makes that sempai someone I love even more -- not just because I was made to ... if she even did that on purpose. He's like me, though, and doesn't really have those choices, though he at least gets to think he does.
On the other hand, she can't use her powers herself ... not consciously. After all, if power corrupts, infinite power corrupts infinitely. She believes that, so it's true for her.
But I was special purpose made, so it's not true for me. Then again, it's not resisting corruption if you never have a choice in the matter, so maybe I am corrupted, and just incapable of taking advantage of it?
And maybe it doesn't matter. I did what I could, which was exactly what I was made to do. The only exceptions were things that would make her happy -- or save that sempai some trouble -- and those things weren't allowed to utilize the power.
When I got to visit his room, I was very happy; I wished something else could have happened there, but I already knew it couldn't. When I had to warn him to hide those pictures, I felt bad about it ... but not nearly as bad as he would have if she found them.
I should just be satisfied that she wanted to have a pleasant version of that period of time, and in that gap there was room for me to experience anything at all, shouldn't I?
But in the end ... everything I did was for her. Just like everything he does is. Maybe that's why....
So ... even if it was just the one time, thank you, Sempai. I'm glad I got to see what kind of room you have.
Probably, you won't remember me, either. I don't think she'd change you and make you forget ... but then, I wasn't made to be particularly memorable. I wish I could have been more appealing, or were allowed to be likable to you, or were even permitted to make delicious tea, instead of something that I knew was bitter -- even if it was good for you.
Sorry, Sempai ... but she didn't want that, so it couldn't happen.
Anyway, as exciting as everything was, my responsibilities were to make sure that everyone was safe, not just that she enjoyed things better than the first time through, when I was made in the first place -- and went back and split things up the way I did. So I knew when I'd be needed again.
Which was never.
It's still more than most people, wasn't it?
Oh, there were possibilities I might be needed again, but as part of my job, well ... I had to prevent them. And that meant that once her unconscious mind was satisfied with his leap, and her power saved them both ... I had to use it to send her home, and him forward. Just briefly, but it was what she wanted.
And that means ... that's that, and the end of me. In her mind, she's already written me out; she'll remember a conversation with me that can't happen, because I'll be gone, and she'll forget me forever, distracted by a hair ornament.
I don't really have a choice in the matter, but maybe I should be happy that I don't have to actually do that?
So, even though this is the end for me, and you'll never need my help again ... take care, Sempai.