Disclaimers: The paints, as always, are the property of Takahashi Rumiko; I'm merely a peasant with an easel.
I like the afternoons. They're the busiest part of the day, and give me the least amount of time to myself, but they're always the worst part of it. I suppose it's just that I like the feeling that I'm going to be done soon, and then no matter how bad it is ... I'll be free!
Free to be with my husband.
Sometimes, this isn't as reassuring a thought as I think it should be.
Lately he's taken to spending more time with that Japanese bitch at the Tendo house. I can't understand why -- it's not like I'm not better in every way. Great-Grandmother always tells me to be patient, but I'm worried that patience won't be enough.
But what else can I do to show him that I love him? I'm at a loss.... I tried to save him from a wedding to the bitch, but Great-Grandmother tells me this was a mistake. How can that be? He doesn't love her -- he loves me!
Doesn't he?
I catch another plate as Great-Grandmother flings it in from the kitchen, setting it before the customer who ordered it. "Chinese fried rice," I offer by way of explanation, giving a bright grin I don't feel before going back into the kitchen. That's the end of the evening rush, and now it's time to take a break.
There will be stragglers, and then cleaning ... but that's for later. For now I go through the kitchen and into the living room behind it. Great-Grandmother joins me after a few moments, and we both sit on the floor in silence.
She speaks first, and says, "Shampoo, have you considered what happened at the Tendo home?"
I wish she would let me speak in Chinese. The language of Japan is crude and barbaric in comparison, and I hate it. "Yes, Great-Grandmother," I answer. "Husband is upset because Shampoo interfere with ... mistress?" Maybe that was it. I supposed that the bitch might at least be good in bed -- that would explain some of it.
I couldn't see her offering Ranma much else.
Great-Grandmother snorts and shakes her head. "That's not it," she says flatly. "There would have been ways we could compromise, but I worry that you've crossed a line that Son-in-law may not be willing to overlook."
I'm not sure how to reply to that. Great-Grandmother has confused me since she's come to Japan, though. She's been supportive of my husband more often than myself. She also hasn't done much to help me get him to myself. I think it's time to find out why. "Why you not help me marry Airen?"
She actually looks surprised at the question! At first, anyway. Then she actually looks guilty -- I don't like this, and it's starting to make me feel very nervous. "Well," she admits slowly, "I don't think that Son-in-law is the kind who reacts to being goaded or forced into things well. My plan was to simply show him how valuable we are to him, so that he can't imagine a life without you -- married or not."
"Or not?" I ask, much more sharply than I intended to.
"Come now; you're already married to him by our laws. Making him add his own customs to that is a mere formality."
"But it show stupid kitchen-destroyer where she really is," I point out. That's important too. And of course.... "Real husband would give Shampoo children; Airen will not without stupid Japanese wedding."
"I'm afraid there's something you're not seeing here," Great-Grandmother warns. "Love is a strange thing, Shampoo, but one thing it never is ... is forced. Not true love, anyway. If Son-in-law had less worth, it would be a simple thing to compel him to come to China with us."
I suddenly remember that it may actually be a good thing Great-Grandmother hasn't helped more. "Shampoo not want that."
"Of course not. You want him willingly. But you've blinded yourself to something, especially if you didn't see it at Jusendo."
Ah, yes. Jusendo. For a moment, the house around us melts away, and I see again Ranma rising on a wave of fire, the Gekkaja's glistening curve throwing a trail of scintillating ice behind it as he battles Saffron. Then I remembered his impassioned cries -- both of them -- as he threw a blade of cold wind down, shattering the foundations of Jusenkyou and rebuilding them to get to the source of the cursed springs faster.
And Great-Grandmother is right, but it hurts to admit; I've spent so long waiting, trying to be patient ... and it's gotten me nothing. He cried out for her when he thought she was dead. He implored the heavens and Jusenkyou to return her, his booming voice echoing across the vault of the chamber that he and Saffron had exposed to the skies. He told her that he wished he could have said....
How dare that bitch steal my husband like that! "No," I groan, rubbing at my eyes. "Airen would do same for me!" I wonder if this is true as I say it. I think it is, but a small part of my mind warns me that while he would ... he wouldn't feel so strongly about it. He wouldn't weep as long if he thought I had perished. He would voice no regrets for not admitting his love to me.
"Perhaps," Great-Grandmother replies neutrally.
"But the reversal jewel!" I protest. "Airen...." I'm not sure what else to say, then. He did love me, didn't he? He couldn't possibly just challenge me to string me along.... Or was it that he saw me as the mistress, second to that stupid bitch?
I think that hurts worse, and the dull ache in my chest I've been trying to ignore since that failed wedding redoubles.
"Your impudence may have cost you much." Great-Grandmother looks pensive. "I'm loathe to let Son-in-law slip through our fingers at this point, but I don't think either of us want him as less than he is. If you'd been more patient, it would be a small matter to remind him who helped save Akane at Jusendo. Convincing her to accept you would have been harder work. But now I wonder if that's a choice."
"No," I reply reflexively. "I will not share Airen with kitchen-destroyer." And I can't; it's hard to imagine granting her second-place to me. But accepting that from her? Never. I want my husband to myself -- I might share him with some other woman, maybe, but it would need to be clear that he was mine, first and foremost. The kitchen-destroyer wouldn't accept that either ... or if she would have, she won't now.
"I is doomed," I realize aloud quietly.
More than simply losing my husband to her, I was going to lose my right to go home. The shame of my failure would make me an outcast ... cursed and unwelcome.
"There are other ways," Great-Grandmother says darkly. I almost choke when I realize what she's suggesting. If Ranma will not take me, who will he sentence me to? Tears come to my eyes at the thought of a marriage to Mousse, rejected by Ranma.
"No," I whimper, wishing I could be a warrior and not a little girl. But it hurts ... it hurts so much to think that my husband would do such a thing. Fear quickly turns to anger. I'm strong -- strong enough to take matters into my own hands if I must.
But it's not Mousse I'm angry at. He wants to marry me, but he wouldn't be the one making the choices. It's Great-Grandmother who I am furious with. "Why?" I demand. "Why you let this happen?" She understood what was going on well enough and simply never saw fit to tell me?
"Child," she says in a warning tone, "I tried to stop you. I arrived too late."
"Before!" I protest. I curse the Japanese tongue, and almost scream at her in our native Mandarin, but I restrain myself. Barely. "Why wait so long?"
She sighs and looks away. "I don't know," she admits. "I thought you understood. And.... Well. Think not of what's lost, but what can be saved."
"What you mean?"
"While this is a failure, you're a young woman, and there's more to life yet, isn't there? I don't think you can hope to win Son-in-law now ... not from what I've seen. Oh, Akane's affection for him is less than his for her, but he's really the heart of the matter, isn't he?"
I nod, wincing. So Ranma loves Akane. And not me. I realize blaming my great-grandmother for not warning me is futile. It is not her I should be furious with -- it's him. He has been stringing me along.
Somehow, the admission that he does not love me hurts worse than the fact that he chose that stupid, clumsy.... Well, fine, then. He deserves her. I hope they suffer long together. "Revenge?" I ask, frowning. "If no husband, no shame?"
Great-Grandmother looks surprised. "I thought you loved him."
I do. She's right. But that doesn't make me any less angry! "What else I do?" I ask bitterly. "Wait for life to end as exile, or worse, marry Mousse? Shampoo not just wait for end! Must do ... something." But how could I really get revenge on Ranma? Akane's beyond my reach -- and if I did anything to her, my life may as well be forfeit. He's well beyond my own strength.
Great-Grandmother might be able to do something, but I can already tell she's not willing. I stare at her for a minute longer, and then tiredly say in the Mandarin I'm not supposed to use anymore, "I give up. If I was going to guess it, I would have figured out your plan before his ... wedding."
She frowns. "Fair enough," she replies in the same tongue. "Fair enough. Well, anyway. I think it best at this point to wait for him to make a move. You're too shortsighted, Shampoo. What if he does marry that girl? She could get tired of him, and then-"
"I take second place," I reply with a roll of my eyes. "Oh, lovely, Great-Grandmother. The pride of our village can be Ranma's silver medal. What does it matter? He doesn't love me." It hurts less when I make myself say it.
But it still hurts.
She sighs again. "Well. You.... Ah." For once the old woman looks unsure. I take some small comfort in that -- at least I'm not the only one lost, so far from home.
The last few days have not been happy. Mousse has become more annoying, walking with a confident gait, like he knows something I don't. He continually smiles at me when he thinks I'm not looking at him -- blind fool -- and then tries to mask it.
Ranma has not come by once in that time, which may be a good thing. I wonder what he's up to, and the old feelings rise. Love, followed by the dull ache of rejection.
I wonder sometimes why I chased him all the way from China, and wasted so much of my time trying to win him over. Then I remember that it wasn't really my idea. It was the law. But despite that, I did love him. And still do, probably.
Whether he meant to or not, the Ghost Cat proved that Ranma was my true love. I don't know how he didn't see that.
Maybe that's what hurts the worst. Being pursued by a blind fool, and chasing one who can see even less. I find that while I still love Ranma, these days I don't think he's as smart as I used to. Clever, and good in a fight. Strong, of course. Willing to stand up for what he believes in.
Some part of my mind tells me I'm trying to make myself stop loving him, so the truth will be more bearable. If Ranma is stupid and ugly in my mind, perhaps I can ignore him and.... And then what?
But there's no point. I look up to greet the customer who walks into the restaurant, and the words die on my lips.
It's not a customer at all.
It's Ranma.
He's wearing the same clothes he's almost always worn since coming to this country, Chinese shirt and pants. Yellow, today. I think that's her favorite color. I inhale shakily, unsure of what to say, and wondering what a spectacle I'm making of myself, standing and gawking..... But I'm drawn into his gaze, those deep gray pools, reflecting determination and ... and....
I look away silently and close my eyes. That small part of my mind is right, but I cannot make myself stop loving him. He's just as beautiful as he was when I thought of him last, and I despair that I can never let him go no matter how angry he makes me. For a heartbeat, I wonder if he would accept me as a mistress, second to the bitch.
But no, I doubt I could be even that, now. The look he gave me was sorrowful. I saw no love or affection there. I force myself to smile and turn to look at him again; he has not moved, though his eyes still follow me. "Hello," I say, glad my voice is smooth and unshaken. "Table for one?"
He blinks at that and shifts his shoulders uncomfortably. "Not today," he finally says, looking away, staring into the kitchen where I'm sure Mousse is glaring daggers at whatever he thinks is Ranma. "I ... gotta talk to the ol' ghoul."
"Okay," I reply. A spark of anger bursts in my heart; he wants to talk to my Great-Grandmother? Am I now some child who cannot be spoken to herself?
I force myself to calm. Great-Grandmother had overestimated me. Maybe I was doing the same to myself. "This way," I add, turning to the kitchen. Mousse is indeed there, though he retreats when I begin marching towards the doorway. Coward.
I do not hear Ranma moving behind me, and he's hidden himself from my other senses for the moment. Habit, I wonder? Or have I simply let myself slip so much I can't keep track of him? I suppose it doesn't matter; he's not really my husband, now is he?
In the kitchen, Great-Grandmother doesn't look the least bit surprised to see Ranma enter. Mousse is gone from sight and I wonder why. "Go take care of the restaurant," she orders before Ranma can speak. "I think that Son-in-law and I will need to speak in private."
A surge of temper threatens to fray through my restraint ... but who can I lash out at? I couldn't fight either of them. It wouldn't accomplish anything anyway. I might hit Mousse, but that fool would probably think it was a gesture of affection.
I leave.
When the rush ends again, I return to the living room. Ranma is sitting there, cross-legged and deep in thought. Great-Grandmother sits opposite him on a cushion, looking grim and expectant, though she breaks off long enough to give me a hopeful smile.
Somehow, that helps even less. Her, of all people, only able to show hopefulness, instead of confidence?
"So," Ranma says, his eyes opening as he glances at me for a heartbeat, "you're sayin' that if I ... er ... go through this formal duel, that it's all off?"
I wince. Great-Grandmother is really giving up. I've been expecting this for almost a week, and trying to prepare for it, but there's not really a reason. My breath shortens as the sensation of a hot knife slashes through me; this is it. It's finally happening, and my husband, my lover, my.... My nothing.
He's going to do away with me, and all I have left is to cling to a merciful sentence. I have no doubt that my grandmother has a list of potential husbands from the village. And of course, Ranma can name anyone else he knows, as punishment.
"More or less," Cologne replies slowly. "Honestly, we can do away with the combat. It's a formality, and I'm already confident that you can beat her." I realize that Cologne is conceding my role in any fight. For my own safety? Or just to spare me the pain of being rejected and beaten?
I sink to my knees and watch expectantly, remaining silent.
Ranma looks at me for a minute, then looks away. "S...so, okay. Then, what next?"
"You choose who she shall marry instead," Cologne says simply, with so much casual disinterest that I wince.
Ranma shifts his shoulders and grimaces, turning to stare at a vase of bamboo shoots near the doorway while he thinks. "W...what if I don't want to choose someone?" he asks warily.
I bite my lip at that, feeling my eyes fill with tears. The worst of all possible fates; I've been humiliated and now cast aside. Not just rejected, but wholly scorned. "H...have I been so terrible?" I manage to ask, realizing that it's the first thing I've really managed to say to him in a week.
"What are you talking about?" he asks in surprise. "I just.... I was thinking.... I mean-"
"A Joketsuzoku warrior who is rejected by her husband has no standing in our society," Great-Grandmother says, and now there's the slightest hint of anger in her voice. She stands up for my role among the Joketsuzoku, but my personal pride matters nothing to her or Ranma. How has it been allowed to come to this?
"What's that mean?" Ranma asked, still staring at the vase.
Great-Grandmother sighs. "If she has no standing, than she would have to marry even a Joketsuzoku male who beat her. She would be too weak to bring in an outsider, since it would be obvious that even a pathetic one could do her in." I feel tears trickling down my cheeks, and am surprised at it. It takes effort, but by biting my tongue, I keep quiet, wiping my eyes before Great-Grandmother can turn around and see.
"Like Mousse?" Ranma asked, furrowing his brow. Great-Grandmother nods.
Then he begins muttering, so quietly I can barely hear. He probably thinks I can't: "But he said she'd be happy...." He cuts off and shakes his head suddenly, but his words cause a warmth in my chest; is it possible that he does still care? Could this all be cleared away and forgotten?
I bite my lip, realizing that if he asks for me to be his second, even to the bitch, I will take it, just to be with him. How is it that he can undermine me so? He made me break the laws by proving me unable to kill him, once. I suppose my pride is not as weak as the laws, but it breaks, too.
"I gotta think about this," is what he finally says. "I'm sorry."
"That's fine," Great-Grandmother answers. "I'd be disappointed in you if you didn't."
"Y...yeah. Um, let's meet tomorrow to work this out at the challenge grounds. I gotta talk to Akane about it."
I flinch, but my anger at the bitch cannot overcome my willingness to be a second at that point, so I say nothing, still biting my tongue.
"The challenge grounds?" Cologne asks in alarm. "Why there?"
"A promise is a promise," Ranma says, shaking his head. "See you tomorrow."
Before anything else can be said, he flees. I could follow, I suppose, though if Ranma does not want me to find him, I will not. Great-Grandmother could do it better, but tonight she merely bows her head and sighs. I find that I don't want to ask her why.
Unable to sleep, I spent the entire night trying to guess what my one-time husband is going to do. I am not hopeful enough to continue calling him my lover, but I am too alone to not still hope a little. I cried, several times, to my shame. Rejection is staring me in the face, and this will spell failure on a scale much larger than merely receiving a Jusenkyou curse. I will not be killed, but I wonder how close I might be to exile.
When the morning comes around, Great-Grandmother recognizes my distraction, and leaves me alone to wonder. I practice with the rising sun, putting more heart and effort into swinging my maces than before. Afterwards, I drill unarmed until I can't see straight.
Then a comforting soak in the furo to try and sweat out my depression. But exhaustion and the warm water's comforting embrace are no match for the dread I know now. At noon, I go to the challenge grounds with Great-Grandmother.
The challenge grounds are merely an empty lot near Ranma's school; he has fought many other foes there, though I've only seen a handful of those battles. Ranma is already there. The bitch is not in sight, which I am grateful for, though Ranma's father is. The two stand at the southern edge of the field. Great-Grandmother and I arrive at the northern edge.
"O...okay," Ranma says uneasily, not waiting for Great-Grandmother to explain the terms. "I've thought about this for a while. I don't really get why I should be the one to choose, and I don't want to."
My eyes water with unshed tears; I am to be cast aside.
"S...so you reject her?" Great-Grandmother asks.
"No!" he says, shaking his head quickly. My heart skips a beat, and I feel I may choke. What is this? "I want her to choose who she marries."
"What?" Great-Grandmother is dumbfounded, and for a moment, so am I. "That's.... That's simply not the way that this works, Ranma," she warns, catching herself. "You have responsibility, and you must live up to it. Who will you choose?"
"I choose to let her figure it out herself!" Ranma protests, shaking his head. "See, I don't know who else could make Shampoo happy. I don't think I should just pick someone, and while I think Mousse is pretty decent as a guy ... I know that Shampoo don't like him that much."
I nod quickly, still stunned.
"Be that as it may," Great-Grandmother says, shaking her head, "that is against our laws. You have defeated her, you must make a decision."
"Then.... Okay, fine." Ranma closes his eyes and thinks for a minute. "Shampoo.... When you find someone, send me a letter, or just come and ask me, and I'll say that whoever you choose is the one."
"Shampoo would choose you," I say, before I can catch myself.
He shakes his head quickly, glancing to his father for support. The bespectacled man is quietly considerate, apparently approving Ranma's course thus far. Ranma smiles weakly, and says-
"Saotome! You liar! Prepare to die!"
I can only gawk in surprise as Mousse leaps from behind one of the walls surrounding the lot. He must have been hiding in someone's yard, managing to sneak past Great-Grandmother! Not that it matters; I don't think for a heartbeat that Mousse can defeat Ranma. Not after what we've both seen at Jusendo. But Ranma is slower to react.
A swinging scythe on the end of a chain almost hits Ranma before he rolls out of the way, launching himself at Mousse's landing site before straightening himself out. The two collide, and Ranma's foot strikes Mousse's collarbone, knocking them apart. The man I wanted to marry gets back to his feet, watching Mousse warily.
Great-Grandmother and Genma both just watch, though I can't blame them if I don't do anything myself. "Mousse!" I yell, causing the fighters to pause and look at me. "You stop right now! Shampoo no want you attacking Ranma, stupid!"
"But, Shampoo," Mousse protests, "I was going to marry you!" He turns back to look at Ranma, while I shudder in revulsion. Was that Ranma's plan, after all? "Why did you betray me, Saotome?" he growls.
So he was going to give me to Mousse. But ... had something changed his mind? I turn to look at him, pleading him to explain himself with my eyes.
He flinches and then assumes a very steely gaze, focused on Mousse. "You said you'd take care of her," Ranma corrects. "I said that I wanted to be sure that after everything was done she'd be okay. I don't think she'll be happy with you."
I nod quickly, before Great-Grandmother raps me atop the skull with her staff. My eyes tear and start unfocusing while she hisses, "You can't speak of that, Great-Granddaughter. You've lost that right by our laws."
"What do you know?" Mousse spits. "I love her, which is more than you can say. I know that I can make her happy, and all you can do is destroy her honor!" With that, the two fly at one another, though this exchange is swifter, and much more brutal. Ranma allows one of Mousse's knives to sink into his upper arm, but in exchange, gets a firm grip on the back of my pest's neck. I flinch with the force Ranma uses to fling Mousse straight into the unyielding earth.
The semi-blind one bounces a little, then groans and lies still.
"Screw you," Ranma spits, growling. "The deal was that you were gonna make her happy, Mousse." He tears the knife out of his arm and tosses it away, wincing. Then he turns his gaze to me and says, "So, Shampoo.... If the old ghoul don't like it, I'm gonna ask you to choose. You want to marry Mousse, or you want to wait until you find someone else?"
"S...Saotome," Mousse groans, before Ranma steps on one of his shoulders, pinning him in place. "Why are you doing this?"
"I'm somewhat curious myself," Great-Grandmother says. I can only nod numbly, afraid I'll get hit again. The laws leave me with little room to work.
"Because I owe her," Ranma says to Mousse, not meeting my eyes. "Because this is my fault, and I'd be lyin' if I said it weren't. I...." He hesitates, and turns to glance down the street, presumably towards that bitch at the Tendo dojo. But he's looking the wrong way, I think. Then he looks back at me and our gazes meet for just a heartbeat.
I see that I was wrong; there is affection in his eyes. And concern. And in the same space, I can see there's no hope for being second to that.... To Akane. I can tell that he cares ... but not enough. Not now.
"I want to do what's best for you," he says to me earnestly, still pinning Mousse in place. "That's.... It seems to me the least I can do."
He is trying, I suppose. He really is trying to make me happy, and does mean the best. He sentences me to losing face and class among my people, more by not choosing someone else to marry me, or definitively throwing me aside.
Then again....
I don't worry about Great-Grandmother as I step closer to Ranma, causing Mousse's feeble struggling to subside. "Shampoo doesn't want anyone," I whisper to him, close enough to reach out and touch him before I stop. "I will wait."
"I'll wait, too," he says, nodding. "Like I said. When you find someone, send me a letter or something. Then I'll say they're the one."
I smile at him, endearingly. He means that, but I won't find someone else. Not for a while, at least. I will be alone, but safe from some of the laws. And suddenly, thinking of how they've treated me, and him ... I realize that might be something I'd actually like.
My badge of shame; a parting gift from a lover I never had. Except....
"Shampoo thinks ... that maybe if there were no laws," I begin, before my voice cracks.
He shakes his head quickly. "But there are," he says sadly. "And.... I'm sorry, Shampoo. I.... I really messed up. Will ... you be okay?"
"Maybe," I answer. "One thing ... before we part?" I ask.
"S...sure," he says, nodding uncomfortably. "What is it?"
"Remember that I loved you," I say, not knowing why I did it. Before he can react I dart forward, entangling him in an embrace and kissing him soundly, deeply. I am not so fast that he couldn't have stopped me, so I know that even though he protests and makes as if to struggle, he wants it. He kisses me back, before seizing my shoulders and pushing me away.
I smile at him while he catches his breath, flustered and confused. "Bai lao," I whisper, turning my back to him.
That will be the last I see of him, I know. Great-Grandmother has no patience for these things, and won't have me wandering outside of the village with my new status. But that's okay.
I need to be closer to the heart of our laws if I'm to have any hope of changing them. And that goal, perhaps, will serve me where Ranma did not. I don't know if I can love trying to make my world a better place this way as much as I love him right now ... but we make our own futures. At least, thanks to Ranma ... I do.
"Take care of yourself," Ranma says firmly.
"We should not meet again," Great-Grandmother says coldly as I walk past her. "Even though she accepts it, you have chosen something that will make you very unwelcome near our lands."
"I don't see that as being a problem," Genma says, his first comment so far.
Great-Grandmother goes on about how Ranma and Genma will never be cured of Jusenkyou, but I ignore her, already heading back to the Neko-Hanten. If Great-Grandmother had been there at Jusendo, she'd know how silly her arguments sounded. I can only think about going back home, and focusing on a worthwhile quest. Great-Grandmother cuts herself off from berating Ranma and scurries to catch up with me.
Goodbye, Ranma.... Goodbye, my love.