Disclaimers: The paints, as always, are the property of Takahashi Rumiko; I'm merely a peasant with an easel.
I can't stop thinking about it. It was a mistake, right?
That's a thought that stays with me. Chases itself in circles around my head, allowing me to occasionally distract myself. But it always comes back to me, and this time when it does, I have to fake a cough to wipe away the tears that come to my eyes.
Because her sister is here. I don't hate Akane. I just hate that she's between me and Ranchan. The two of us could be great friends, if she didn't play along with her family and pretend to want to marry Ranchan. I know she doesn't....
...but maybe that's why Nabiki came? I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have....
"Tendo," I say, thinking that for once I've hidden the quaver in my voice. "What brings you here?"
Nabiki smirks, taking a seat. "I have some good news for you, Kuonji," she says after a moment. "I think it'll cheer you up quite a bit."
"Who says I need to be cheered up?" I ask warily. I don't trust Nabiki, not further than she could throw me.
"You looked down," Nabiki said with a shrug. "Anyway.... Ranma sent Shampoo packing. Back to China."
"Really?" But he hasn't come to talk to me; he's not trying to send me away. And if that's the case, then maybe it wasn't such a mistake after all?
Of course not. It was possibly the stupidest thing I could have done. Hell, I worked with Shampoo to do it, and Ranchan sent her to China!
"Really," Nabiki replies coolly. "In fact, to try and set things straight, I talked to Ranma."
"And?" I realize only after the fact that my face is an easy read to Nabiki. If she's trying to play me for a fool, she may have me exactly where she wants me. But it's true ... Ranchan and I haven't even talked since then. And that was three weeks ago.
My stomach is upset all the time, and I'm always afraid he's going to tell me how he really feels -- that he hates me for what I've done. Shampoo being sent away makes that feel like it could be the truth.
Nabiki hesitates for a moment, then shakes her head. "Okay," she says. "Here." And then she reaches into her purse and produces an envelope, which she hands to me.
The handwriting spelling out my name is too neat to be his (sorry, Ranchan), and it looks like a girl's, anyway. "Who wrote this?" I ask, before opening it. The paper's white, and feels soft. It looks like high quality, expensive stuff. Very formal, anyway.
"Ranma's mother," Nabiki offers. "Well, you read that. I think I've delivered enough good cheer for one day."
"Okay. Um, thanks, Nabiki." I watch her out of the corners of my eyes and pretend to be totally absorbed in the envelope. She looks hesitant again for a moment, when she thinks I'm not looking, then gives a tiny shake of her head.
"Don't," she says quietly. "It was nothing, really." Then she's gone, and I open it.
The letter is beautiful, elegantly written, and Ranchan's mother has even drawn little bells tied together with a bow. It's an invitation to an engagement party.
For a minute, I think my heart stops. But when I frantically read the entire thing, I see that Akane's name isn't mentioned anywhere. And neither is Ranchan's stupid father's school. It's just got Ranchan's name on it ... and mine.
My heart stops again, then starts so hard that I sit down heavily. "I was right?" I mumble. "He...." I swallow and stare, reading it all over again.
But it's an invitation for me to go to Ranchan's engagement party.
Maybe I just did what Ranma wanted? Maybe I didn't do something wrong, after all?
The party is going to be held at a pretty swanky establishment uptown; I have to take a train to get there. But before I arrive, I've made sure I look my best. With Konatsu's help, I picked out a new dress, I put up my hair, and I think I'm ready.
He thinks I'm cute.... He has to, or he wouldn't have invited me!
Then I remember that it was Nabiki who gave me the invitation. I still haven't actually talked to Ranchan ... so that upset feeling doesn't go away. What if I'm wrong? Nabiki gave me that invitation three days ago, and I must have read it a hundred times by now, but it doesn't tell me any more.
So I arrive early and look it over. Big building, huge, expensive looking mural on the outside.... Classy. I don't think that Ranchan picked it out. It doesn't really seem that romantic to me either.
There's a man in a suit at the door who asks me for my invitation. I wish my father were still around to take me to this, and not just because I think he'd be happy. It would reassure me to know I still had him.
But I don't; all I have is Ranchan.
The invitation gets me sent to the bar to wait for the hall that the Saotome family is going to be using. That has to be good; if it were for Ranchan and Akane, her family would pay for it. Ranchan's kind of poor, though that's never bothered me. I could make enough for both of us, if I had to.
But Tendo seems to be wealthy. I mean, he owns that big house and doesn't work, as far as I can tell. If Ranchan's worried about money, I may not have as much as Tendo, but I can get us by.
After a few minutes, I glance around. I don't really know much about this kind of place, but there's a few people around who are all dressed well. I'm glad I chose a new dress instead of a kimono; no one else is wearing anything traditional, either. But they do look nice.
I hope I look good enough for Ranchan.
When the man behind the bar asks me what I want, I tell him water. I don't think I could keep anything else down, right now.
Another man sits next to me. A tall man with his hair slicked back, wearing an immaculate blue suit. "Hello," he says with a grin, making a small gesture at the bartender.
The bartender gives the other man a reproachful look, but wordlessly hands him a glass with some golden liquor in it.
"So, you come here often?"
"This is my first time," I answer. "My fiancee is supposed to meet me here."
"You're in the engagement party?" he asks, his smile widening. "Congratulations, Tendo-san."
I open my mouth to ask him what he's talking about -- I am most certainly not a Tendo -- when I look towards the lobby, to one side of the bar. There's Ranchan!
He's dressed up, too, and for a moment, everything the man was talking about vanishes from my mind, and all I can see is him. Even more handsome than he was in the suit at that stupid wedding; he's wearing something less formal, but still very nice. It's a white silk shirt with short sleeves, and as I watch he pauses, one hand rubbing his upper arm.
Just as I'm about to call out to him and jump down from the stool I've been perched on, I see her and my heart stops again.
There, right behind him, surrounded by her family and his, is Akane. "No," I gasp out. The man in front of me glances towards Ranchan, then back, raising an eyebrow.
"...feels like something is missing, is all," Ranchan says, in response to something I didn't hear.
Oddly, I can't keep my eyes on him. They keep sliding past to stare at her. Only ... not her, but her sisters. Nabiki looks just the slightest bit tired and worn. Kasumi though.... Kasumi looks upset. Her mouth is compressed to a thin line, and she tugs on Tendo Soun's shirtsleeve like a child trying to get her parent's attention. He dismisses her in the same way, and though I can't hear it, I can see his lips. "Not now," he says, ignoring her.
"Father," she hisses, loud enough for me to hear. "This is important!"
"It can wait until after the party," Soun says insistently, when everyone turns to look at Kasumi. "Come, enjoy yourself! The schools will finally be united!"
"But-"
"No objections," Soun says with a brilliant smile. "Akane and Ranma are going to be married, and today we're going to celebrate!"
Kasumi looks like she's swallowing something particularly disgusting, but she manages a stiff nod and says something back that I can't catch. Probably something like, "If you insist."
Soun does, though, so that's the end of that. "Now," the man says brusquely, clapping a hand on Ranchan's shoulder, and another on Genma's, "I think we're all here, aren't we?"
"Nabiki did ask me for one more invitation," Nodoka murmured with a frown.
"What?" Soun looks confused. "I only made reservations for seven."
"We're all here," Akane says quickly. "Come on, Ranma!"
Then she holds out her hand, looking at him expectantly. He smiles at her, and it feels like time slows down. The blood going through my heart doesn't stop this time, it just feels like it's turned into shards of glass.
I cover my mouth and whimper. The man in front of me seems to sense my discomfort and puts one hand on my back, pushing me towards the bar. I lean forward and both families vanish behind his coat, just as Ranma seemed about to glance my way.
"Hey," the man says gently, quietly. "Are you okay?"
I nod, though I think he can tell it's a lie. He offers me his handkerchief and I take it, realizing that tears are running down my face. "Hey," he says, nodding at the barkeep. "Double whiskey neat for the lady here."
The bartender grumbles, but pours the drink
"Thanks," I manage. After I pick up the glass, hand shaking, someone approaches.
"I'm sorry," the man who had sent me to the bar in the first place says. "There appears to be some confusion. I'm afraid the Saotome party has all of their recorded guests." He says it in that, "And you should go, now," way that I've used on a couple of customers myself.
Before I can say anything else, the man who bought me the drink snaps, "Leave off," shooting the doorman a dirty look. "She's with me."
"I'm sorry," the doorman says apologetically, looking at the stranger with a nervous, sidelong glance. "I misunderstood." Then he's gone, and I'm alone with my drink and a friendly stranger.
"Kampai," he says softly, raising his glass slightly. I nod and clink my own glass against his. It must be the same drink ... they look the same, at least. It tastes foul, but I make myself drink it down anyway. It's not like Ranchan's going to....
And then the tears start again, and my new friend helps me up, guides me to a booth in the corner, and glares at everyone who stares. "It's going to be okay," he assures me, grinning. "Just tell me about it, huh?"
Before I can stop myself, I'm sobbing out my entire story. But while I'm talking to him, I feel ... numb. It hurts -- it hurts more than I thought it could. I realize as I'm talking to him, occasionally downing another of those nasty drinks, that what hurts the most is that he never even bothered to tell me about it. That's what I was worth to him -- less than nothing. Not even worth the time to tell off.
I spent a year in love with him, ten chasing him for vengeance, and another year trying to win his heart. I've spent more than half of my life on this boy, and what do I get in return? Total indifference.
So I understand why, as much as it hurts, I still feel numb about it. I finish catching up, somewhere around drink number six, though things are getting fuzzy then. "I just wanted someone to love me," I tell my friend. "Someone who cared!"
Everything is dreamy, hard to see. But it's okay, now. My stomach may still hurt, and my head may be swimming ... but I'm not alone.
"It's not as bad as it could be," my friend says warmly. "And your life is hardly over. What's happened to you happens to a lot of girls.... Life is not nearly as pretty as you are. So you fell in love with a jerk, but it's not the end of things. You still have a bright future ahead of you!"
"I do!" I say, nodding quickly, and then stopping. The room is spinning too much for me to keep nodding. "I do?"
"Certainly! Look, I don't normally do this, but I can help you out."
"You can?" I can't remember ... do I need help? I must; Ranchan.... Ranma. Ranma isn't there for me anymore. If he ever was.
"Just let me take care of you," he says, nodding. "I direct movies. I could make you a star!"
"A star?" I frown at that, then think about it a bit more. A movie star makes a lot of money. If I were a star, I'd be rich and famous. And that'd show Ranma what he was missing out on! "Okay," I agree, risking another nod.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
"Alright. Let's drink on it." He motions, and another round is brought for each of us. After I drink mine, things get dark for a while. I think my friend is holding my hand. But he can't be, because I think he's smoking a cigarette. I think I'm walking. For a while, I think I'm throwing up on the street. I think I'm in a room.... I don't know. Does it matter?
When things come back, I'm still dizzy, but it's like a dream.... My friend can take me from a bar to a shower. Bing! Magic.
He's not there -- I guess it's a hotel shower.... I've got something nasty on my dress. I guess I did lose it. That must be why I'm here. So, I take it off, and realize I got some in my hair, too.
I take a shower, and leave my dress on the floor. There's a robe on the back of the door, and I don't care about a dress I bought just for Ranchan. Ranma.
Doesn't matter. I got a new friend now.
The steam from the shower makes me dizzier, so I open the door and stumble into a hotel room. My friend is there and leads me to the bed. "Here," he says, sitting me down. "You rest. I'll be back in a bit."
The television's on, so I flop down on my back and roll over to watch it. He's gone, and I hear the shower running. A cigarette he left on the bedside table's ashtray smokes.... And then I see the television.
Haha! My friend is a pervert! He forgot to change the channel; it's something naughty. I watch it, unable to keep myself from giggling. Only, after a minute, it's actually worse than just naughty....
Something about this doesn't feel right, but I'm too dizzy to figure it out. Then he comes back, steam from the shower emerging in a billowing cloud, pushing the last of the smoke away. I sit up on the bed, and it takes a minute to realize my robe fell open. I tug it back into place, and he sits next to me.
"Are you going to take care of me?" I ask, suddenly nervous.
"I promise," he says with a nod, giving me a warm smile. "I'll help you reach as high as you think you can."
Then one of his hands pulls open the robe I just tugged back into place, and the next thing I know he's kissing me, and he's touching me, and I'm doing it back to him.... Who needs some idiot, when there're better people? People who know you're worth something? People who aren't afraid to show that they care?
Then he turns out the lights and our robes fall away. Then it hurts for a while, but I don't want things to start going wrong so quickly, so I pretend it's good, and then we do it again, and finally, I fall asleep.
When I wake up, my stomach hurts -- again. But this is a new way to hurt. The light is too bright. My head hurts. I think I'm going to be sick.
I get up, go to the bathroom, and throw up in the toilet. After a shower, I find I've got nothing to wear but my stained dress and the hotel's robes.
Damn. Damn it all.
Where is my friend now, if he was even a friend at all? Just like me -- throw everything away in a moment of drunken self-pity. What does he leave me with? A filthy dress, and a pack of cigarettes.
Someone pounds on the door, yelling, "Your time is up! Either get out, or pay up!"
"Just a minute!" I yell back. I still have the tiny purse that I got with my dress, but it's empty. I didn't think I'd need any money at....
Ran-- Ranma.
What the hell did I do? "Oh, no," I groan. From one screw-up to another....
Whoever he was, all I've got to know him by is a pack of cigarettes he left on the bedside table. It goes into the purse, and since there's nothing else to wear, I climb into the damn dress.
Then, since my day has already started off so well, I glance out the room's window. Fifth floor. No balcony.
"What the hell," I sigh, and open the window. I don't want to deal with this....
By the time I get back to my own place, Konatsu has been freaking out for a while. He starts crying over me as soon as I show up. "Calm down," I snap at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Ukyou-sama!" he wails. "I was so worried about you!"
"Why?" I ask closing and locking the door behind me. I don't think I want to open today.
"You...." He trails off. "You didn't come home last night," he says, forcing himself to still, kneeling in the corner like some dutiful servant and bowing his head. A servant is the last thing I need right now.
"And what, you're my mother?" I ask. "Leave me alone."
He doesn't say anything, just bowing his head lower. In my room, I shut the blinds, change into a clean robe, and flop down onto my futon. I just want the whole world to go away.
I get dumped by Ranma.... And now, after I've managed to let some idiot get me drunk and take advantage of me -- it really starts to hurt. He's out of my reach, and if he weren't, I'd be too dirty for him anyway.
Shit.
I hope that jackass didn't knock me up.
Just thinking about it makes me tremble. But can I really blame Ranma? He didn't hate me. He didn't even dislike me.
He just didn't care. Didn't even notice.
So I did this to myself.
"Ukyou-sama," Konatsu murmurs through the door. "If.... If you want to talk about this--"
"Go away!" I yell. "I don't! And not to you! Leave me alone!"
He protests through the door, "But-"
"Leave me the hell alone, you moron!" I snarl. "You don't know what's going on, so go away!"
"Ukyou-sama," Konatsu says, his voice near tears. He thinks he's got something to cry about? "I'm worried about you. I saw the way that you.... I mean...."
My face goes cold. He can tell just by the way I walked? I'd heard that, somewhere. That some people could tell, just by that. So now the whole world knows what I did?
"Go away!" I scream. "I never want to talk to you again!"
"But-"
I throw open the door and Konatsu's kneeling there at the top of the stairs. One good kick sends him all the way down to the floor. "Go away and die, for all I care! I just want to be alone!"
The door slams on him and I throw myself onto the futon again, crying. Stupid, useless tears. Stupid, useless words. Stupid, useless Konatsu.
Stupid, stupid, useless Ukyou.
I feel a little better when I wake up. I've had time to rest, I suppose. But I'd give anything to go back in time just twenty-four hours, and undo them.
Anything.
When I get downstairs, I'm alone. My shop is quiet and empty.
Konatsu is gone. Konatsu's things are gone. Not that he had many.
"Oh, damn," I whisper. "Konatsu?"
Something else I did wrong. Now that I think about it, I seem to be really good at that.
I don't want to talk to strangers. I don't have many friends. It's not like I can talk about this to the other okonomiyaki chefs I know, either. They don't even know I'm a girl, except for Occhan, and he moved to Hawaii last month.
Now that I think about it, I don't have any friends except for Konatsu. And Ranma and Akane.
I guess that means I really don't have any friends, now.
And of course, I get to blame myself for that one, too. If it wasn't for me thinking that someone as stupid as Ranma could care.... But of course, he couldn't.
Idiot.
Then again, I believed in him, so who's the bigger fool?
Hands shaking, I collect the dress and the purse and the underwear I wore.... Then I toss them into the fire barrel in the alley behind my shop. Foom.
But not before I take those cigarettes from the purse.
I spend a little time after sunset thinking about it.
Why not add one more mistake to my collection?
Cigarettes taste bad. At least, these did. And I don't know if there's an art to smoking, or anything like that. But it can't really be that bad for you. I mean, Happosai and Cologne have to be a hundred at least, and they both smoke.
And it makes me feel dizzy, too, but not like drinking did. And for a while, once I learn to ignore the taste, it makes me feel a little better. For a while, anyway.
But it's too late to open. And I don't want to deal with people.
So I sit behind my grill, in my empty little shop, and think.
And think.
But I can't think of what I should do. I can only think of what I did wrong.
A lot of time to think can be a bad thing. Thoughts eat away at you, when you let them.
I don't know why people say smoking is bad for you. It gives you something, when you don't have friends. It reminds you that it's easy to feel good, and that feeling good doesn't actually mean anything.
And a pack of cigarettes doesn't leave you in the lurch the next morning.
But thinking....
So I had a few days to think things over. I tried opening the shop for a bit, but it was different. I used to have a drive to be a great okonomiyaki chef. I used to want to marry Ranma, too.
Once, I chose learning how to make good okonomiyaki over Ranma. Until I could both be a great woman and a great okonomiyaki chef. Now I'm not sure I care.
I'm an okay chef, and I guess I'm okay at being a girl -- I slept with someone. But what does it matter?
So now I'm looking out at the city. And maybe I've had something to drink -- it's not hard to get alcohol even underage, really. You could just find a shady shopkeeper, or you could go to a vending machine.
Or if you run a restaurant like I did, you could just order it. Deliverymen assume you're someone's daughter, and don't mind letting you sign for whatever you order, even if it's a large case of potent sake.
I don't like cooking okonomiyaki anymore. It used to be for myself, but I gave that away. To someone, whoever he is.
Asshole.
At least it wasn't Ranma.
Not that it'd make a difference; if it was him, and then he left me for her, I'd still be here.
The city lights below are like stars, which is good. It's cloudy, and I don't see any real stars. No moon to look down on me.
Screw it.
Screw everything.
I jump.
The wind rushes past me and I close my eyes.
I hope you're happy, Ranma. It may be my fault more than yours, but you had a role in this, too.
Jackass.