Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No disrespect is intended with the creation of this work.
Note: May contain spoilers up through book nine.
I never particularly enjoyed waking up early. When I was in school, that was when I wanted sleep the most. When I was studying, well, trying to keep up with Koizumi's study schedule was pretty taxing, too. I was tired a lot, then.
There was a time I slept as much as I wanted....
Not today, though. I get up early, take a shower, then run water for Kintaro to take a bath. After starting breakfast -- and tea -- I enter the guest room, where he's staying. Somehow, tossing in his sleep, he's gotten tangled in his blanket and turned to lay sprawled across the futon sideways.
Thankfully he doesn't snore, but I wonder sometimes if I was as difficult to rouse as he seems to be lately. It's a recent habit, but a noticeable one. Soon enough, he's mumbling and blearily stumbles to the washroom to brush his teeth and clean up. On schedule as always, Nagato knocks on the front door once before entering.
She joins us quietly, her newspaper folded carefully into a tiny square and laid flat on the table as she accepts tea and toast. The three of us eat breakfast, Kintaro slowly waking up as he finishes his second glass of milk. After that's done, still on schedule, she exits to go downstairs -- to her work -- and I leave with Kintaro to walk him to school.
After that, I detour through the market district to gather the daily supplies.
I check back in with Nagato after dropping everything off, then spend a few hours sending back the books she's done with and processing the newly arrived packages. More simple patterns to try and distract myself from what's coming. Nagato can tell too, so takes a break before I leave for work -- we sit together in the small back area where I handle the boxes, and she pours me some tea.
I remember the first time she made me tea, a very long time ago now, and how I wondered what it meant.... Now, there's no need to wonder. She doesn't care to cook much -- to be honest, when it comes to domestic matters she's actually quite lazy -- but she does enjoy tea. For me, a break before heading to the Tsuruya estate, followed by ... well, a walk back home for lunch. With Haruhi and Nagato.
Yes, this is a good time to enjoy my break.
After I finish my first cup of tea, she pours another, then sends a silent, questioning gaze towards me.
There's not really much to talk about, though the tea is nice. While I'm contemplating finishing the second cup, she offers, "I will prepare lunch."
"I appreciate that," I tell her, offering a small smile. "I was thinking of sandwiches, so that's what I bought groceries for." That's probably enough time trying to delay the inevitable. I finish off the rest of my tea and rise, giving her a small bow before leaving.
Back at the Tsuruya estate, I spend a short amount of time actually doing my job -- today, there are a few small branches on the well groomed lawn to pick up; it reminds me of one of Kintaro's earliest haiku:
Rake lies on the lawn,
Cherry blooms everywhere!
Uncle drinks his tea.
Set more in spring, when the cherry trees became my personal nightmare and shed a carpet of fallen petals across the lawn. And the hedges, the surface of the koi pond, thanks to winds, the sand garden -- much to the complaints of the other staff, the interior of the house....
Branches that fall off in winter storms won't be blooming in coming months, so at least there's that. The ceremonial garden is fine, and the shrine garden is abandoned, so I light a stick of incense as usual before returning to the sand garden.
My streak of luck is broken by animal tracks running across the lines I was admiring only a day ago.
Once again appearing behind me silently, Haruhi asks, "So, how do tanuki prints change the work's meaning?"
When I turn around, I see that Haruhi has changed to a more relaxed outfit, a long skirt and blouse combination in understated earth-tones. Tsuruya is dressed in her traditional kimono at the moment, standing just beside Haruhi and chuckling. "I believe that what happens to a sand garden due to exposure to the elements is just an expression of the primacy of nature," she says. Then she winks and adds, "For a few days, at least! Then it stops being art."
"What is it, then?" Haruhi asks, turning to study Tsuruya curiously.
"A lazy gardener," I answer, shaking my head slightly. "Speaking of which, today I really should tend the bonsai."
"There are more of those?" Haruhi asks, raising her eyebrows and glancing at the set in the sand garden.
"In the greenhouse," I agree.
"Huh, can you keep orchids, too?"
Rolling my eyes, I gesture her to the step. "I'll show you the bonsai, if you like.... And I know how to, but we don't have any here," I answer.
"Ah, just as well," Tsuruya agrees, shaking her head apologetically. "I have a meeting I need to take care of...."
"Will I need to pick Kintaro up from school today?" I wonder.
"If it's not too much trouble, I'll have Munemoto-san bring him to your place," Tsuruya decides, nodding.
Well, whatever it is that she's dealing with, I'm just as happy not to participate in that realm. My one brief glimpse of that was nearly my last, as it was. So much the better if I'm also able to provide a sanctuary for Kintaro.
"I'll stop by for dinner and take him home after?" she suggests.
"That sounds fine," I agree.
Haruhi gives a slow blink at this, then shakes her head, hopping down and ignoring the step again. "I suppose I'll see you then, as well, Tsu-chan?" she asks.
Tsuruya nods, adding, "Though, you're welcome to stay here in any case." One of her attendants waits at the entrance to the hallway, and she quickly goes off to deal with the uniformed servant.
"I wonder what it is that she does," Haruhi grumbles very softly, crossing her arms over her chest before turning to look at me expectantly. "I'm sure you know?"
"I make it a solid point not to," I counter, stepping around her and leading the way to the gardening shed.
"Fine, fine," she sighs, following just behind me. "Though, I must say I'm surprised that Tsu-chan has you watch over her son so much...."
I unlatch the shed door and step inside. The clear plastic panels overhead let enough light in to show the worktables and tools. Haruhi steps in behind me and examines everything with the intensity of a crime-scene investigator. I don't really know which part of that statement to respond to, so ignoring the question for the moment I go to the back -- the door to the greenhouse.
Opening that door and gesturing her through, I realize that she's changed her hair since yesterday -- now it's braided neatly down her back. Her eyes hover on me for a moment before she steps through, raising an eyebrow as she surveys my handiwork. Some of the bonsai I tend have been with the Tsuruya family much longer than I have, so I can't take all of the credit, though.
She strolls slowly down the aisle and examines them very closely, all the same. "I never had the patience for half of the stuff you do," she remarks, smiling at one of my favorite plants -- a cherry tree that was started by my predecessor. "So ... where do we even start?"
"You've read my books," I tell her, shrugging ruefully as I start giving the plants their routine inspections. "I don't know what you've been up to nearly as well. I mean ... I did catch your movies, when you were acting."
She looks startled at that for a moment, then grins, shaking her head ruefully. "Yeah ... that was kind of fun," she agrees. "But, hey, let's go out for that lunch, huh? I get the feeling that I'm imposing on Tsu-chan enough as it is...."
I'm hard-pressed to remember a time when Haruhi demonstrated reluctance to impose on others, but then, it's not fair to think she hasn't changed. She has calmed down, at least, and stopped cursing at me, which is nice.... The bonsai are fine, anyway -- conditions haven't changed, though two of them need water. Once that's taken care of, I can leave.
"So, where do you live, these days?" she asks, as I lead her out of the greenhouse. "And where's Yuki?"
"I'm cheap," I inform her dryly. "So, you're coming to my place -- and Nagato will be there, since she lives next door to me. Are you going to be warm enough to walk in that?"
She snorts, but detours to pick up a heavier coat, grumbling quietly about the indignity as she pulls it on. "After all this time, you still have to show off how 'sensible' you are," she accuses, stepping through the front gate. "But then, I guess that's probably why Tsu-chan would decide you were a capable caretaker."
"That's mostly it. But you know, I could have said you need a scarf, too."
She snorts again, rolling her eyes. "It's not that cold, compared to Tokyo. So, you've been working for Tsuruya the longest of everyone there, now? How is that?"
"Oh ... her husband replaced a lot of staff when he moved in," I answer, shrugging. "I'm pretty much the only one who made it through that."
"And what happened to him, anyway?"
I shake my head in response. "It's really not my place to answer that question. If Tsuruya-san hasn't told you...." I shrug. "But never mind that. I haven't seen him since before I saw you last -- how is Koizumi?"
She flinches at that, slightly taken aback, then shakes her head with a grimace, looking away. "Oh, well.... He.... Ah, let's talk about that later." In silence, she shivers a bit, then elbows me in the ribs. "Why aren't you wearing a coat?" she chides. "Lecturing me when you go without?"
"It's not cold enough to wear a coat while working in the garden." I can't help but smirk at her, wondering what sort of things had happened between Haruhi and her loyal yes-man.... Well, it's not like I've been that forthcoming about some details myself.
"Dummy," she sighs, grabbing my arm and leaning into me, startling me. "We're not kids anymore ... we can't run around all day like that, huh? Making me do this ... and now your lover is undoubtedly going to see this and get the wrong idea, setting a hilarious series of wacky hijinks into motion!"
That's impossible.
I'll admit, she's warm, soft, and the mild chill is completely dismissed when she grabs on to me. "Well, this does set a mood," I manage to answer, looking at her sidelong.
This startles her into giving me a quizzical look before she looks away, hiding behind that mask again.
"But I don't have one of those -- in answer to your clever probe."
"Oh, hush," she says rather absently, as though my answer doesn't matter, squeezing my arm almost painfully for a moment before relaxing to merely 'inescapable vice.' "Humor me. I'm pretty sure you don't really mind this, huh?"
Do I?
Instead of answering that question, I gesture to Nagato's place with my free hand. "This is where I live, now. Second floor. Nagato owns the building."
The front of the building has long display windows, currently showcasing whatever titles Nagato has seen fit to put up, underlined by a sturdy hedge (shamelessly grown from clippings from the Tsuruya estate, in point of fact). The windows are framed with somewhat faded blue curtains. The second floor windows are mirrored from the street, reflecting the cloudy sky -- Nagato's apartment. Above that is the trellis of the rooftop veranda, a nice enough place in spring, especially after the rainy seasons end, but a disaster area at the moment.
At least the climbing vines I started up there are hearty enough to withstand the cold, though they look a bit desolate, considering they've died back for the winter. Or maybe I'm judging myself too harshly, just because Haruhi is looking at it.
"'Northern Nishinomiya Books,'" she reads, glancing at the signs. "Inspired. Her name, I'm guessing?"
I frown at her as best I can, considering she's still clinging to my arm. "Yeah...."
Rounding the corner, the other street-facing side of the building is fronted by a stairway going across the windows, up to the landing where the apartment doors sit, side-by-side. A few heavy planters line the landing (more illicit clippings), housing a hedge that provides a small screen for the porch.
"This is actually pretty charming," she remarks, once we top the stairs and she finally lets go of my arm. "You take care of all the plants here?"
Naturally.
I open the apartment door and step inside. Haruhi follows, looking around eagerly.
The walls are lined with short bookshelves, then stuffed with books. One corner has space for the television, and the beloved kotatsu takes center stage. I love winters for a lot of reasons, but the kotatsu is one of them. I have a few wall scrolls, and she studies them thoughtfully. Most of them are calligraphy, but I do have a reproduction of a Hokusai woodcut, which she spends a longer moment perusing.
Noting the tea set at the table, I guess that she is quietly working in the kitchen, so call, "Nagato? I'm back, and Suzumiya Haruhi is here to visit."
"I know," Nagato answers as she turns the corner from the kitchen into the living room, carrying a tray laden with small sandwiches. She pauses when she makes eye-contact with Haruhi, the two seeing one another for the first time in years.... Well, no different from myself yesterday.
"Yuki!" Haruhi exclaims, showing no trace of that brief anger I saw earlier. She hovers over Nagato's shoulder until I take the tray from her and set it at the table -- then Haruhi grabs onto the smaller woman and hugs her tightly. "I haven't seen you in so long -- you still look so young! I'm amazed -- what prompted you to stick with this guy?"
"Reliability," Nagato answers without hesitation, blinking.
Well, I learned something new today....
Haruhi breaks the hug and looks at Nagato curiously.
Nagato cocks her head slightly to one side, giving her small smile. "It has been some time," she says, before nodding at the table.
Taking the prompt, Haruhi and I sit at opposite sides, Nagato between us. Haruhi looks uncertain as I pour the tea Nagato already set out. Nagato takes one of the sandwiches and begins eating mechanically, staring straight forward.
"So!" Haruhi remarks, taking a sandwich but not eating it. "Um ... how did you two end up getting together, then?"
Nagato stops chewing mid-bite, then furrows her brow as though seriously considering things. She finally turns a curious gaze to me, requesting clarification.
"Ah ... Nagato and I are friends," I explain. "We aren't, um ... a couple."
"I should have gotten that, but all the same ... you live together?"
"My apartment is next door," Nagato explains, turning to look at Haruhi. "Our balconies adjoin, but living space is separate."
Haruhi starts to frown, but hides it behind a bite of her sandwich. "I shouldn't pry," she allows, after a thoughtful silence. "Um ... I guess primarily, I just want to know -- however it works out, you seem happy, right?"
"I am as happy as circumstances permit," Nagato says.
"What's that mean?" Haruhi presses, frowning slightly.
"Nagato's family ... cut her off," I offer. "So, more-or-less, I'm the only family she has left."
The smaller woman turns to face the platter of sandwiches, bowing her head slightly as she takes two more, then refills her tea.
"O...oh," Haruhi says, frowning. "Shoot.... I had kind of hoped that meeting would be more cheerful than this. Is it that I am somehow responsible for this unhappiness?"
"No," Nagato answers, blinking into her teacup. "I cannot assign that responsibility to you. However ... unpleasant ... memories are evoked."
Haruhi stares at Nagato for a long minute. "Um ... okay. If there is anything I can do to help, well ... we used to be friends, at least, so, let me know."
The shorter woman nods.
"Thank you for making lunch, Nagato," I remark, changing the subject.
"No problem," she replies.
Following my prompt, surprisingly enough, Haruhi asks, "So, how is your bookstore doing these days? You own the building, so that's your store, right?"
Nagato quietly explains what her job is, and I eat a few of the sandwiches. Nagato's quite capable in the kitchen, when she can be bothered to put effort into it -- better than me, no question. Except for the void of Koizumi, and the more familiar absence of Asahina-san, it takes me back a little. Reminds me of what it was like, though I guess another meeting like we used to have back then will never really come to pass....
After lunch, I tell Nagato I'll take care of cleaning the kitchen, and she nods, telling Haruhi that she's heading downstairs to work, and me that Kintaro can do his homework with her. An easy enough hint to take. Nagato won't really explain her situation, and I'll have to elaborate on our established excuse.
This seems distantly familiar, and I can't help but think that either Haruhi has mellowed, and doesn't mind that I'm doing a poorer job of it, or that the second Nagato is out of sight, I'm going to be bludgeoned with questions.
It's the latter, naturally, though she does hold out until she finishes her tea. "Okay," she says with a sigh. "I'll tell you what happened to me after you ditched me, but you have to tell me how you met up with Yuki and Tsu-chan." She grimaces, shaking her head. "Nagato-san, I guess, now."
"I don't think she minds that," I tell her, shaking my head in return. "You have yourself a deal, though. Let me make a fresh pot of tea, first."
"Yeah, sure," she answers, rummaging in her purse and frowning. "Ah, could you get me a cup of hot water, too? I'm supposed to be taking supplements, now."
I can't help but jibe at her:
"Who needs vitamins?
"Young and old, small and great, and,
"Even Haruhi."
She actually blushes very faintly at that for some reason, trying to give me a dark look. "'Great,'" she snorts. "Like that didn't get me into trouble.... That was cute, but fetch me my material needs, minion, or I won't share my story with you!"
I confess, that makes me laugh.
I get her what she wants, though.
After taking a handful of vitamins (and to be honest, I recognized almost half of them from the ones that I took -- and insisted that Nagato took, too -- every morning), and adding some brown powder to her cup of hot water, Haruhi shifts around to find a comfortable position, and doesn't quite meet my eyes. "So ... after you ditched me on the train, I was really pretty super-pissed off. I mean ... I realize in retrospect that I was kind of ... pushy.... But that was one hell of an answer to me asking you to move in with me, you know?"
I stare at her for a while, my mouth dropping open slightly.
No clever poems, here.
She stares back at me, then groans and lowers her face to the palm of one hand. "Are you telling me you didn't get that?" she moans.
"It ... makes a certain amount of sense in retrospect," I cough out.
Well. Damn. My inner peace is entirely uprooted.
And here I thought it was Shamisen.... There's no way I'm letting her know that now, though.
As if on cue, he rouses from a nap and pads into the room, jumping on the kotatsu, seeming to realize too late that he missed a chance to steal sandwiches. Grumbling, he shoots me a sour look and promptly dives into Haruhi's lap. She stares at him, frowning.
I will, however, gratefully accept the convenient change of subject.
Because of his association with certain data entities, Shamisen doesn't really age much, if at all. I didn't know that was going to happen until my sister happened to remark that he was holding up remarkably well. He didn't seem old after seven years, even though he had to be at least five when I got him?
Suspicious, but not unreasonable. I bribed my sister to steal him for me (and from what she told me, my parents were grateful for that), and then moved him into my apartment. Some months later, bribing Nagato with more chocolate, I hid him in her apartment and mislead my sister into thinking that Shamisen had finally passed away. She was heartbroken, so I didn't really feel great about it, but by the next time she came to visit, she was delighted to find that I'd hunted down an 'almost identical successor.'
"This is Shamisen the third," I introduce him.
Haruhi nods, accepting that, and scratches him behind the ears. "You're a handsome one," she tells him, smiling. He slits one eye open in response. "Oh ... you're really an awful lot like the original ... much more than Koizumi's 'Shami 2.'" The one open eye slits open wider, giving the impression that the cat is raising one eyebrow in skepticism.
She smirks, still absently petting Shamisen, who begins to emit a low, audible purr. "Anyway," she says. "Um ... I guess ... you're really thick-headed, and somehow never figured out that I used to have a crush on you."
I have no idea what to say to that.
"Um ... though ... I guess ... I probably never really made myself clear enough...." She sighs. "Well, just believe that I was pretty broken up about it. Not just because you said 'no,' but because you stopped being my friend -- and messed up the brigade, too. When I got back to Tokyo and told Yuki about it, like I said, she just stared at me, shook a little bit, like she was about to have a fit, and then pretended to act normal. As soon as I lost sight of her, though, she ran off and I never saw her again until today!
"Add in the fact that I was, you know ... stuck with a year long lease on an apartment for two.... S...so, um ... Koizumi suggested that he help me out. And I was spending time trying to find you, and now Yuki ... so I said sure, because that meant more money to take the trains." She shifts her shoulders and stares moodily at the 'harmony' calligraphy -- Nagato's work, and knowing her, Haruhi recognizes the same character from our quiet friend's Tanabata wish. "Eventually, money got tight for Koizumi, so, well ... since he was paying half the rent on my place, it kind of only made sense....
"A few months after that, we kind of ... sort of just ... fell into going out, I guess. He stuck with his classes, but I couldn't really focus enough for school that year. Maybe if it had just been you ... or just Yuki ... but both of you, ditching me like that...." She sighs and drinks her hot water, making a face at it before washing the taste away with a mouthful of tea.
She takes a moment to reflect, which I'm personally thankful for. It's a lot to process, but I can see the idea of Koizumi having feelings for Haruhi. I think there must have been hints to that, looking back. If he wasn't trying to push me towards Haruhi, he certainly didn't mind admiring her aloud and at length.
"Actually ... in her case, she was probably trying to protect you. It was stupid, and I regret it now, but I spent an awful lot of time angry at you, wishing something bad would happen to you ... and then feeling bad about it, because we really did used to be better friends than that.
"Anyway, after that, Koizumi and I living together kind of just seemed to be the thing to do, and I started taking classes again. My first quarter back was pretty bad, academically. I mean, I was starting to really like Koizumi, though I think now a lot of it was just kind of sad, because I couldn't bear to give up on the last member of the brigade -- the one ... friend who...." Her calm cracks, and she scowls into her teacup, taking another moment to compose herself.
"You know, between you and him, Kyon..." she mumbles dully. "A...anyway, we started dating. He tried to cheer me up. Somehow, he always seemed to have enough money from his part-time job to treat me, though he never told me what he did. That always got on my nerves, but since he was the last one left, I couldn't really bring myself to push him -- to risk driving him off, like I did ... you. I tried to just get used to it, but I wanted honesty, and I felt like he was hiding something from me anyway. Still ... I wasn't going to give up on him like that.
"Instead, I was thinking of giving up on college -- for a change of pace, and to keep myself from taking things out on him. It was frustrating, though. Once, I remember we were on a date -- some stupid Italian restaurant. It was so exclusive, my copy of the menu didn't have prices -- typical Koizumi extravagance. He really did try his hardest, but ... oh, that stuff had gotten so boring already...."
She sighs in disgust, peering into the bottom of her teacup as though it were a portal to a distant time. After a minute of silent contemplation she shakes her head sharply, and I refill her cup.
Giving me a quiet murmur of thanks, she nods, sipping before she continues. "We were walking on a different route back from the downtown district than usual, and we passed this bookstore.... In the window, I just glanced at it because some employee had put it on display -- someone's personal favorite." She turns a smile at me, then points at the bookshelf where I keep a copy of it.
"So, I thought, 'if Kyon's okay, then I can be angry with him, but I have to move on.' I guess ... that wasn't so fair to Koizumi ... but then, I'm getting ahead of myself. He wasn't very happy when he saw it ... I mean ... well, when he saw me grab your book -- he wasn't really obvious about it, but I could tell he was jealous -- he knew how I felt about you. But then, that's Koizumi for you; he insisted that I let him buy it for me anyway, just because it made me happy. I still have it, too."
"Oh, wow," I answer, still a bit dazed. "I'm in shock."
"What, still? Over me having feelings for you -- back then?" she asks, still petting Shamisen, though she quirks one eyebrow higher.
"No, that you read Withering Vines," I retort, smiling weakly. "That ... was a loud, angsty vent -- the worst thing I've ever written!"
She giggles, grinning widely, then seizes her teacup and raises it in a toast. "Award-winning tripe!" she enthuses. "Oh, I hated that book!"
"Yeah, I'm not sure I'm going to drink to that," I retort. "Now set your cup down so I can actually put tea in it."
She pouts, doing as instructed. "But ... I was really happy, because of what it represented," she counters as I refill her cup again. "It meant that you were alright. That part of it ... I really liked."
Oh.... Well, thank you, Haruhi. That's surprisingly kind of you.
"I cared about you a lot, you jerk," she reminds me. "That's why you got cussed out!"
"Sounds fair."
She snorts, shaking her head again. "Anyway, we stuck together through college. He took an internship while I made up the year I was behind, and then he'd arranged to get us jobs together. It was a really solid plan, too.... This institution we worked for would build a mathematical engine that would be able to accurately predict the stock market -- and probably a lot of other things, if you could just plug in the right data sets.
"In theory, anyway. Koizumi was really convinced that it was going to succeed -- told me that if we worked together, we would end up ruling the financial world -- or any other field we took the modeling engine into."
I set my teacup down and slowly digest that. I suppose that sounds like something that Haruhi might be able to do -- design a mathematical formula somehow flexible enough to be applied to almost any situation. For someone with her intelligence and capability, certainly ... but it does remind me of just what she could really accomplish, if she set her mind to it.
"I read that look," she tells me dryly, studying another wall scroll. "I didn't really buy into it myself ... I mean, the theory was sound, but if it really worked, I couldn't help but think it'd just ruin the stock market altogether. Plus, even if you model the market, people are harder to figure out than that. The other uses for predictive modeling seemed more interesting, to me.
"Corporate policy being what it was, we couldn't do anything with it until we turned a profit with the investors anyway, so we were stuck on what I considered the dullest application of the technology possible. Anyway, Koizumi was really attached to the idea -- I thought it was boring as all hell, personally.... Just like a lot of things about Koizumi were starting to feel to me. But then ... like I said, he was the last one left, and ... he was trying so hard for me ... had always been trying so hard for me, I guess...."
She shrugs morosely, and I refill her tea again. "Well," she says after a moment of thought. "We were dating, so I kept myself there, even though I wanted to quit so badly -- it's only fair that I made some sacrifices for him, too, right? And that's around when I remember your second book coming out -- Sprouting."
Which means it would have been around the time Tsuruya had her wedding -- the very first published copy of that book was a gift to her, after all. I offered it to Nagato, but she elected to keep my handwritten notebooks, instead. "I remember that time," I say, nodding.
Mostly, though, I imagine Koizumi doing his best, trying to satisfy Haruhi. Like he always had, I guess; I had done him no favors by dropping the responsibility I couldn't handle on his shoulders like that, had I? He was better equipped to handle it than I, but if even he fell short....
Seeming to sense my melancholy, Haruhi shifts in her seat slightly and continues, "So ... I wasn't ... being the best at communicating with Koizumi about how I really felt. He was ... actually kind of amazing at figuring out what I couldn't say, but I was getting frustrated all the time and I think ... he could tell, and somehow, internalized it, you know?"
Unfortunately, yes, I know exactly what she's talking about. Still, Koizumi had told me closed space was on the decline long before those days, hadn't he? What had happened?
"W...well, Koizumi.... I could tell he was hiding something from me -- avoiding me when I got frustrated. He was subtle about it, but I could tell; it was almost like there was a direct link! I'd get frustrated, not say anything to him, and a day or two later, he'd be worn out and exhausted, but insist on trying to do something fun and exciting with me anyway -- slowly wearing himself down.
"That ... kind of set a vicious cycle, and that was when I started to wonder if ... Koizumi and I weren't really ... that great of a couple. I wanted to be with him, but I wasn't sure I really wanted it to be that kind of relationship, you know? And for his part, well, he was just.... Ah ... I couldn't leave him when he was falling ill all the time, though -- especially since it was because he was trying to keep up with me -- that'd be unforgivable!"
I think I can see where she's coming from with that, though it sounds unpleasant. Weirdly enough, thinking of those times before Koizumi and I managed to truly grow closer ... well ... I regret wishing ill on him now -- especially considering those things seemed to come true. Really, he deserved better.
And ... being honest, didn't Haruhi, too?
Then again, after this long, I shouldn't be letting myself get stunned over these things.
"Well ... I know now that I was mostly just afraid to lose the one last member of the Brigade ... so I tried to keep us together a lot more than I would have otherwise," she sighs. "So ... that started our next argument -- our first argument, really and ... the last one, too.
"Koizumi, trying so hard...." She trails off, her voice shaking as she frowns. "He could tell I wanted something else and was staying with him for....
"And ... I don't know," she mumbles, bowing her head as her brow furrows. "I wanted to be angry that he was so calm and collected, always worrying so much more about me than himself.... That wasn't ... fair to him, and I felt I just ... couldn't properly return that. Well, I did find a reason to be angry at him, finally.
"He kept running off and vanishing more and more every time I got frustrated.... Like when I turned angry, he was running off to someone else! I didn't ... take the thought of that as well as I should have, I'll be honest. I accused him and demanded an explanation, because last member or not, he's always been the one I thought hid the most from me.
"Well ... I don't think that he was really cheating on me, but I know he was keeping something secret from me. He was practically in a panic when I confronted him! Whatever his secrets were, he wouldn't give them up, so we had a nice loud shouting match. He'd never argued against me, before, you know? Though ... really, I did all the yelling, and he just begged me to calm down and.... So ... instead of being patient and sticking with him, I blew him off...." Trembling, she gives a sick smile, one hand going to press against her stomach.
I'm not sure what to say to that, but she shakes her head and I offer my handkerchief, which she accepts silently, wiping at her tears.
After a minute, she shifts her shoulders and resumes petting Shamisen. "So ... after that, I gathered everything from the apartment that was mine and ... left. That was the last time we talked, and ... I was upset about him, but I didn't want it to end like that. Ah, but ... that whole situation, watching the last ... friend I had left slip away.... I was so frustrated!" She heaves a tiny sigh at that, then pushes her teacup around, though the teapot's empty, so I can't refill it.
Or maybe I can. This is a lot of heavy talk, after all. "How about we break here?" I ask, rising, then motioning her to stay, since Shamisen seems so comfortable in her lap. "I'll be back in a minute or two with some fresh tea."
She nods at that, and I leave, thinking about what she said, trying to ignore the unpleasant memories of my own that are sparked by thinking of that time.
I'm not really in the mindset that I can easily try and figure out what Koizumi was up to, but I can make a few logical guesses based on what Haruhi slipped to me. I can't help but feel for him, doing his best, but having things work out like that. Is there someone else watching over Haruhi now?
I suppose Mori might be around, somewhere, but I have no idea where she might be. It's probably none of my concern.
Really, if the Agency wanted to talk to me, they probably would have found me by now. While preventing the kettle from coming to a boil by staring at it, I make myself consider the idea that yesterday's slow walk was giving them a chance to do just that.
But maybe that's just not an issue, anymore? Maybe Haruhi's settled down enough that it doesn't matter?
She's certainly grown ... while still being recognizable to me as the same person. In a way, that's remarkable....
Or maybe that's all a big load of fertilizer. And maybe I'm still shaken by that confirmation I've spent nearly two decades ignoring -- the idea that Suzumiya Haruhi might have had affection for me. Not a 'might' anymore, in retrospect.... She absolutely had a crush on me.
That may have been a different high school experience ... and college, absolutely. If I'd known -- and known how to respond ... but that's something I've never gotten. She has to know that, by now, though.... She's read my poems, my collections of harmless haiku. Before that, a very long time ago, she read my impression of a 'romantic' story.
And maybe I'm thinking about this too hard. The kettle whistles, and I lose myself in the ritual of preparing the tea before I trot back into the front room. Haruhi hesitates before accepting the teacup, then shakes her head. "I have to use your washroom, first," she decides.
While she wanders off to do that, Shamisen pads over and climbs into my lap, giving me a very clear look to inform me that my lap is inferior, and only the fact that Haruhi is gone has brought him to me.
Many times I have thought that I would happily be a cat, living a life like Shamisen's. Shamisen doesn't have to worry about cats that he met in high school coming back into his life.... But then, that's probably not really fair. He's in his twenties. Healthy, but any cats he was friends with as a kitten are probably long since passed. I think some part of him is entirely cognizant of that, too.
"Okay," I tell him. "I can see why you would strive for the greatest possible lap variety, all things considered."
"Well," Haruhi remarks, stepping back into the room, "I guess that answers my question on if you ever found someone to settle down with!"
"Huh?" I reply, rather unintelligently, scratching Shamisen behind the ears. He gives Haruhi an apologetic look that explains that he would return to her lap, but he'd just gotten comfortable in mine -- her loss.
"Talking to your cat?" she chides, smirking, before shaking her head. "You live with Yuki ... but this doesn't seem like the house a woman lives in, even if she was over making you lunch earlier," she notes, settling back to the table and sipping her tea. "Um ... anyway, as to my story, after that, like I said, I never saw Koizumi again. It was just half a year later later at our high school reunion -- when I was hoping to run into you, or him, or Yuki -- that I found out he'd actually passed away -- about ... um ... three months or so after we'd broken up."
That shakes me more than Haruhi's admission of her crush, but then, thinking about what she just said, and who she is....
Part of me wants to make some cruel jibe about Koizumi playing with fire, but I bite my tongue, just petting Shamisen.
"I didn't know," I say quietly, trying to keep my voice level. "I.... How did it happen?"
Surely Haruhi's frustration hadn't built up so much that Koizumi had fallen in some battle in closed space? I can't imagine Haruhi being that frustrated, and there being no other side-effects.
"Some medical issue," she says moodily in answer. "There wasn't a representative at the school or anything like that.... No one from his family. They just had a list of students that had passed since graduation. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was glad your name wasn't there, but.... Well, his was. Cause listed as 'illness' -- so, I've wondered what kind of bitch I was that I had no clue about how bad it really was until after we broke up."
She pauses to grimace, shaking her head. "And how terrible it was that my last thoughts towards him before I found out were angry...." She shrugs, giving me a halfhearted, wry smile. "But then, considering that, and that I pissed off Yuki, too, probably the answer is 'pretty bitchy.'"
"Mind your language," I reprove, struggling to find some levity.
She doesn't look at all surprised at me, just -- for a heartbeat -- pained, and simultaneously happy, too. Then her mask is back in place and she chuckles, shaking her head again. "You stick-in-the-mud," she accuses.
"I can curse, too," I counter. "I just seldom find cause -- and being honest, well, when one is trying to stand in as a father for a child, as with Kintaro...." I shrug, nudging Shamisen out of my lap so I can uncross my ankles. He gives me a knowing, irate look, then burrows under the kotatsu, popping out near Haruhi and climbing back up into her lap.
"You'll have a chance to prove that to me when you tell me your story," she prompts me, lifting Shamisen up and setting him on top of the table before wriggling closer, adjusting the heavy cloth more tightly about herself. Settling in, she picks the cat up again, putting him on the edge of the kotatsu cloth to weigh it down at her side, which he grudgingly accepts once she scratches his chin. "Actually, the tea is nice and all, but come to think of it, are there any sandwiches left?"
"You'll get an orange and you'll like it," I tease.... But of course, I get what she asks for. Nagato went a little overboard, but then, maybe she overestimated how well she would handle being around Haruhi. She could have meant to eat more. I set some aside for her later, just in case. Buying myself a minute or two, I actually do peel and section an orange.
I've been putting this off long enough, I guess.... How much to tell Haruhi, though?
When I ran from Haruhi, even though it ended up working out -- sort of -- I didn't have any plan. And knowing now that Haruhi wished bad things happened to me ... that absolutely came true.
I didn't know what sort of ability she had to find me, and by spending time running away, I could avoid thinking about things. So when I say I ran, I meant exactly that. I literally ran....
Off the train platform, into the city.... I had a bag of clothes, a tiny amount of money, and nothing else. So, with that, I entered a state of delirium.
Or madness.
Or maybe it was a dream....
There were very few moments of clarity, here and there, but between them, my time was a mystery. I wanted to run, and I did. I wanted to escape, and that probably happened, too. From the station in Shin-Osaka, the next place I was really aware of being was the harbor.
I was standing by a railing, and tired. My feet hurt, and my mouth was dry.... And then I was laying in the grass in a park after sunset, listening to an aged voice mumble on about the recession. And again, I was sensate, but elsewhere -- sitting on the ground in an alley, leaning up against a wall and hearing the sound of traffic, the smell of food from a nearby restaurant....
This went on without any real sensation of time passing between my glimpses of reality. As poor as my memories of that time were, I think I was homeless. I know in the jumbled chaos of sensation that flowed between moments of clarity, occasionally I thought I glimpsed Nagato. Sometimes, someone gave me food, or helped me move away from something.
It ended, ultimately, outside the gates of Kyoudai, winter quarter entrance ceremonies. I didn't know about the ceremony, I just saw the planter outside of the main entrance. Normally, it would be immaculately groomed, but, absorbed in the minor details of the world around me, I saw where some student, or maybe just some vandal, had stuffed a bag of trash.
Someone else had tried to take it out, and then given up halfway, leaving shredded plastic and garbage everywhere. I still can't explain my impulses, what it was that prompted me to do it. It wasn't really respect for the institution, because I had no idea where I was.
Some part of whatever was still functioning of my permanent 'escape-state' mind told me that I needed to get that trash out of the hedge. My clothing was a mess, undoubtedly. Whatever I'd been doing before, bathing regularly hadn't been a good part of it. No mistake, I was a vagrant, digging in the trash in a hedge outside of the second most prestigious school in Japan.
A cluster of college students walked past then, chattering about things. I was still mindlessly trying to clean, but for some reason, I also tried to listen -- like there was a familiar voice. That was when the police caught up with me. I didn't have the coordination to put up a proper fight, just to protest and fumble at them weakly.
That was enough, though.
"I...is that ... Kyon-kun?" one of the college students gasped in shock, motioning the police to stop hauling me away.
Hearing that once-hated nickname shattered some seal on my proper awareness, and reminded me of who I was. I could only stare at her, suspended by my arms in the grips of a pair of policemen, uncertain if I was a menace, or the friend of someone important.
"Tsu...ruya-san?" I asked, startling myself with the rasp that my voice had become.
The worry in her comforting, familiar face turned to dismay. "Oh, Kyon-kun...." She looked up sharply at the policemen, and.... She must have said or did something, but I don't know what -- I passed out. Or something very like passing out.
I dreamed then. At least, sometimes I like to think what happened was a dream. Nagato tells me that my mind interpreted events with more easily recognizable symbols, and that's why my memories of the experiences are so unclear. Why I remember the outcome before I remember what led me to it.
I didn't find this out until after the fact, of course, when it was done....
So, in this state that it was easier for me to think of as a dream, I was sitting on the floor in some vague, dark space. The sky overhead was just a murky void, and the surface beneath me was black and smooth, interrupted only by perfectly regular green lines sectioning it into grids, stretching off as far as I could see. Even though there was no clear source of illumination, I could see.
At that moment I was surrounded by all of the female 'interfaces' I had ever known and interacted with. Suou Kuyou stood to one side, looking mildly amused -- she had gotten a lot more from Nagato than Nagato had gotten from her, after my friend had almost died trying to allow communication between the two. She still wore her same outfit, but then, looking to the other side, Asakura Ryouko and Kimidori Emiri were wearing their school uniforms, as well.
Standing over me protectively was Nagato, wearing the outfit she had switched to once high school had ended -- a green jumper with a blue blouse. After that long, her clothing had become torn and tattered, and was every bit as filthy as my own.
That was my first realization that running away had consequences on people aside from myself. Here, I had wanted nothing more than to escape Haruhi, to flee from that unwanted responsibility.... And Nagato had been invisibly standing by my side, trying to deflect the worst of what all those other invisible forces around us might have intended? What other damage had I wrought, unaware of how my roots had intertwined with those around me when I tried to tear myself free?
"You will not harm him," Nagato said resolutely, her eyes surprisingly tired as they moved between the others.
"This being's awareness is no longer suitable for our purposes," Kuyou returned, smiling slightly wider. "Our analysis of its sensory input is complete. Our goals are accomplished. We no longer have any use for it, you, or your memetic constructs." She seemed to turn away and vanish, leaving no trace behind, as I'd seen her do before.
Nagato's gaze turned to the other two.
"There's really no point to killing him, anymore," Asakura said cheerfully, toying with the blade of her knife, eyes fixed on me. "Really, what we had hoped to accomplish, he has already set into motion. Your fixation on him now is a sign of instability; his value does not warrant your attention."
Nagato blinked again, seeming to realize something, but I couldn't imagine what it was. Her eyes went to Kimidori, and I sensed accusation in her gaze.
"We strive for compromise, and your behavior trended towards monopolizing communication channels. Your assignments are over; return with us and be accordingly re-purposed," Kimidori ordered, holding one hand out, palm up.
"No," Nagato refused, her voice unshaking.
"Why not?" Asakura wondered aloud, eyes going to me. "Could it be that killing him has some purpose after all? Would it free you?"
Time froze then, for Nagato and Asakura.
Not for me, though.
And not for Kimidori.
"You have previously refused my offers, but at this juncture, your choices are appropriately limited. Nagato Yuki's potential to remain in existence is questionable." She stared at me, her light green eyes luminous with intellect, but no trace of sympathy. "At present, she is no longer regarded as an asset to the entity. Your own ability to process information presently is questionable, so I will iterate the primary points to you:
"The entity has the goal of preserving Nagato Yuki for later use.
"Nagato Yuki has expressed no clear goal, but behavior indicates that she intends to stay with you, regardless of the risks to herself.
"Asakura Ryouko and her faction wish to serve the entity's goal by destroying you, thus freeing Nagato from her obligations." She paused then to look at me, but I got the feeling that she didn't need the pause, as much as she was letting it sink in for me. "The only form of compromise remaining to you is that Nagato Yuki be removed from previous functionality as an interface."
"How is that a compromise?"
"I am assuming that your goal in this instance is to follow your biological imperative," Kimidori answered. "That is, that you wish to continue living. You would also serve, effectively, as an interface for her with her surroundings and altered conditions."
I stared at her like an idiot.... Which I was, really. "Why?" I asked, stupefied. "How can you ask me to make that choice for Nagato?"
"I am not," she clarified. "Nagato Yuki was a colleague of mine, before events reached this point. My goal is to strive for the greatest measure of success between all entities involved. In this case, Asakura Ryouko will be prevented from acting against you once more, as you will return to the auspices of the entity's observation. The entity will be satisfied because Nagato Yuki will no longer be a component of the entity, while still potentially providing the insight that we seek."
"What about Nagato, in all of that?" I asked, as the reality of this conversation begins to set in on me.
"She wishes to remain with you. As a human, she may attempt to do that."
She paused again, for my benefit. Then she blinked slowly and said, "Alternatively, you can reject this compromise. Asakura Ryouko will eventually kill you, attempting to retrieve Nagato Yuki. Nagato Yuki will then be reintegrated into the entity and re-purposed, or destroyed in the attempt.
"This is our final offer."
"I don't know what else I can do," I ultimately answered. I'd run away from Haruhi ... but I couldn't run from Nagato, too. Somehow, Haruhi would survive. I might have given up on a lot of things, but Kimidori was right, too; I didn't want to die. "I feel I have no choice -- that this is what I must agree to."
Kimidori smiled then -- her real smile. The one that made me think that her and Suou Kuyou didn't belong in our world. The horrible grin that showed what a monster she truly was; shaped like us, but never human.
"We know."