Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No disrespect is intended with the creation of this work.
Note: May contain spoilers up through book nine.
Clearing my throat at Haruhi's expectant stare, I refill my teacup and explain carefully, "I spent time running away, Haruhi. And not much else. I think I went a little crazy for a while ... to be honest, as a person who writes poems, I don't know that I consider myself an 'artist' -- but if there were a 'starving artist' phase of my life that would have been it. You want to know how I met up with Tsuruya-san and Nagato, right?"
"Well, yeah," Haruhi says, frowning. After a moment she takes an orange slice from the platter in the middle of the table and nibbles on it thoughtfully. "You mean, Yuki didn't find you right away?"
"It turns out that I caused Nagato quite some problems with her family," I say, which is truthful in many senses.
She nods at me in return, giving me a sad smile. "I remember she always went to you with her family problems," she agrees. "Unless I miss my guess, Yuki's family isn't very tolerant.... Is that right? You already mentioned they cut her off."
That doesn't sound unreasonable. "Absolutely correct," I agree. "I've never met her family directly, except for some distant relations who happened to be nearby. All the same, I'm just as happy not seeing them anymore, and so is Nagato."
She looks somewhat more satisfied with herself for reaching an accurate conclusion, but also unhappy for Nagato. "Well ... that explains a bit."
"Ah ... so, I was running away and generally causing troubles for people. During that time, since you let her know I was in trouble, Nagato was doing her best to watch out for me. Her family didn't really see the point of her spending that kind of time away from her studies, so.... Well, ultimately what happened between her and her family was my fault."
"How could that be?" Haruhi asks me, somewhat doubtfully. "Your fault?"
"If I'd been more responsible and thoughtful about how I handled things, well...." I shrug. "But those choices have already been made and taken root. Really, that was what returned me to sanity, more than anything else.... One day, I was senselessly causing trouble, like I always did at that time, and Nagato wanted to help me -- but didn't know how.
"That was near Kyoudai. Tsuruya-san wanted to know what was happening with the pair of us, since...." I leave it at that and shrug, uncertain of how Tsuruya and Haruhi patched up their differences. "Anyway, as a sort of formal 'goodbye,' Nagato's family gave her this property and left her on her own, but she hadn't learned how to manage it, yet.
"Tsuruya-san spotted the pair of us and helped slap some sense into me -- though she got the idea I wanted to learn about plants...." I shrug at that, refilling Haruhi's tea yet again.... I suppose she must be very thirsty. "Anyway. Having failed at getting into college, I agreed to her offer to work at her estate as an assistant gardener for the venerable Hakase-sensei."
"Your teacher, I'm guessing?" Haruhi asks, shaking her head.
"Yeah.... Now, what's that look for?"
Haruhi's curious frown deepens to a look of intent concentration. "You know, that's really a load of crap," she warns me. "I know now that I was asking for too much -- but that doesn't actually change the facts! Do you know what the admission rate for Toudai is?"
"Koizumi told me something about that," I acknowledge. He was the one coming down to give me updated study guides and reminders about admission guidelines when Haruhi wasn't able to come, after all. And considering he had access to more money, that ended up being more often than her, too. I try and ignore the strange void when I think back to Koizumi and realize more than just being back there in the past, he's actually gone....
"Something like, ten percent of students who go to Toudai fail their first exam?" I hazard. That seemed right. I tried not to obsess about it, but as much as Koizumi reminded me, that tidbit stuck.
"What? No, much higher than that!" she protests, looking at me with a frown. "A lot of people don't get in their first year -- and most of them never have the courage to retry!"
"I suppose.... Well, numbers aren't my strong suit." Glancing at the clock, I add, "That's why Kin-chan's downstairs going over his homework with Nagato, instead of me."
"So ... your first year, you were four hundred and twelve points short of admission," Haruhi notes.
Why do we have to go over this again? I suppose it's my due, having upset her.... It doesn't make it fun, though. "And the second year, I was eighty six short. What are you getting at?"
"That was an improvement of over three hundred points!" she protests. "You only needed to bring your score up another ninety or so, and then...." She sighs, staring into her teacup. "It probably seems to you that I can't let go of that ... but more it's that I can't believe you really thought you were going to fail."
She looks me in the eyes then, and I can see that she's still conflicted about this internally -- there's something more, somehow, unvoiced. Her gaze flicking away, she explains, her voice slightly thick, "I can accept that you didn't want to go to Toudai ... but never that you weren't good enough."
Hadn't we been over this, though?
Well.... According to what Koizumi told me, she's right; if I had taken the test, one way or another, I would have passed.
"I'm not sure how to answer that," I tell her truthfully.
"I just...." She hesitates. "I thought your first book was ... well, what you called it -- depressing. It was full of sad things, all about things that had gotten lost...."
"Yeah," I agree, frowning. "Um ... that was working out ... what happened to me while I was running. While I was in training."
"Training? Like, at a private academy?" she asks, surprised.
"Sort of," I agree. "I actually do have a certification -- it was a kind of apprenticeship, too. Um ... at Hakase-sensei's suggestion, Tsuruya-san had me go to Kurama-dera -- so instead of anything like a standard admissions test, I just took a referral from him. I stayed at the temple there for two weeks at a time, learning Sakuteiki and other ancient books -- all about the history and culture of garden maintenance. After that, I'd come back and spend one week with Hakase-sensei studying the practical applications."
Haruhi gasps in subdued delight. "Kyon -- you've worked the landscaping of a national treasure? That's amazing!"
"And you've starred in movies," I counter. "No one will remember a gardener who trained in a mountain temple for a handful of months, hardly -- not compared to how many people will remember 'Jade Pearl' as played by Suzumiya Haruhi."
She giggles, though the amusement in her eyes fades....
"That's it, though?" she asks, tilting her head to one side. "How did publishing your books come into the picture?"
"Ah ... well, actually, that's an interesting story," I acknowledge. "Wanting to help, Tsuruya-san found a retired bookstore owner who was familiar with the business to show Nagato the ropes. Nanase-san was more than just a retired bookstore owner, though; she was an editor as well.... So Nagato and Nanase-san became friends, and Nanase-san suggested that Nagato might enjoy editing and publishing more than managing a bookstore.
"After that, Nagato was only challenged by a lack of content to edit, so she turned to me. I had started writing haiku during my training at Kurama-dera, and it was either that, or trying to make some kind of official published study guide out of my notes. If I'd known when I began that it would be published, I never would have started out with those first poems."
"I see," Haruhi remarks, giving me a strange look. "I guess that makes sense.... And really, that's even better, because it means things started to get better for you even before I saw Withering Vines.... I have to ask a question of you, Kyon. I've been trying to figure this out but -- you're still.... You and Yuki are really only just friends?"
I can't help but wonder if she's comparing Nagato and I living together with her and Koizumi. Does she think maybe that she did something wrong by ending up dating him?
Or maybe that I did, by not dating Nagato?
"Losing her family left Nagato very alone," I say carefully, thinking about how difficult things were for her back then. There's a knock at the door before I can continue, so I shake my head, dismissing my explanation for a moment.
I am expecting Kintaro, so the presence of my sister surprises me for a moment. She grins up at me and bustles in without waiting to be invited, already eagerly launching into one of her energetic rants. "So! Kin-chan's downstairs with Yuki-nee, and you're all up here by yourself--" Her tirade cuts off with an astounded squeak as she sees Haruhi, her eyes wide and round with wonder.
"At any rate," I tell Haruhi, smiling, "if you want an answer, in all honesty I do care for Nagato a lot -- I love her like the sister I never had."
"Hey!" my sibling protests, launching a teasing jab at my side. "I am your sister, you jerk!"
"I know, but wouldn't it have been great if it could have been Nagato, instead?"
Haruhi can't help but giggle, staring at my sister and recognizing her. Well....
She has grown. From when she and Haruhi first met, my sister has gained at least fifteen centimeters in height, though this still leaves her shorter than Nagato by a bit. Her hair is longer and she dresses like an adult, but I couldn't ever gauge how attractive she was -- also like Nagato, I don't really think of her that way.
"Alright, Kyon -- get your butt in the kitchen and let me meet your new friend!"
As a mother of two of her own boys, my sister's skill at getting what she wants from males has expanded from 'unreasonable' to 'near-Haruhi.' I am not immune, and grudgingly agree to occupy myself with washing the vegetables while they chat. I turn the water down, curious as to what they're talking about, and only then do I realize that my sister didn't actually recognize Haruhi.
"So, Nee-chan," my sister says quickly, "let me tell you a few things about my brother, okay?"
"Sure," Haruhi replies, amused. "What should I know?"
Well, I agree with Haruhi's sentiment on this one; it should be amusing.
"He's a good family man -- responsible, and great with children! He watches over my Ryudo and Kenichi all the time! And what he's telling you about Yuki-nee is true, too -- he's been friends with her since high school. So don't think that she'd be a threat for you -- think of her as an extra future sister-in-law! I think you and Kyon will make a great match! And believe it or not, he's won awards for the poems he writes-- But tell me! Tell me! How did you meet him? I want to know everything about the girl that my brother likes enough to ask over for dinner with his family!"
Typical little sister.
"Well," Haruhi drawls slowly, "I actually met him a long time ago.... It just so happened that I sat behind him in class -- in high school -- and--"
My sister's shocked squeal of joy would have been heard even without trying. "Haru-nee!" she cries. I can imagine her practically kicking my kotatsu to one side as she tries to tackle Haruhi in a hug. "Oh, it's been so long-- Do you know where Mikuru-nee is?"
"I wish I did...."
Ah, there's still that.
After finishing the initial preparations for dinner -- getting out the pots and pans, washing the vegetables, and all of the other minor details, I go back to the front room, where Haruhi and my sister are still talking. Seeing an opportunity, I remark that both of them are more skilled in the kitchen than I am -- at least, assuming Haruhi's skills haven't degraded. Otherwise, my sister can manage a kitchen on her own with one hand tied behind her back.
"Well, that's fine with me," Haruhi remarks immediately. "I've just been a guest for Tsu-chan and Kyon, so getting to do something to help out will be fun!"
"In that case, I hate to be a poor host," I apologize, "but I've been making Nagato watch over Kintaro alone -- I really should check in on him."
"That's fine!" my sister chirps. "Haru-nee and I have so much to catch up on!" As I step out the door, I hear my sister ask, "So, Haru-nee -- do you have any children?"
"What?" Haruhi yelps, sounding horrified before the door clicks shut and I can't hear anymore.
I take a moment to enjoy the cool air, surveying the dimming horizon as the sun descends in the west, behind the skyline. It's gotten colder, though, and I'm still not wearing a coat, so I don't lurk for long, as amusing as it might be to try and eavesdrop on Haruhi. Come to think of it ... Haruhi and my sister had been fairly close at one point. How was it that they didn't stay in touch?
Was it my sister, avoiding Haruhi because I wouldn't speak of it once we started talking again? Or Haruhi, avoiding my family because I ran away from her? She said she had spent time looking for me -- and Nagato. Had she talked to my parents at some point, while I was lost? I suppose she must have....
Of course, my parents wouldn't have known where I was, then, and by the time I hesitantly contacted my sister, she was already in her own senior year of high school.... Like me, she never went to college, but I don't know that she ever wanted to. She met someone in high school while she was in middle school, and astoundingly enough, with relatively little drama, they dated until he finished college -- and then they married.
But I can't think about that now -- and I can't think about more discussions with Haruhi at the moment, either.
I'm nearly shivering before I realize I'm still standing at the top of the stairs, watching the sky grow dark. That's me, I guess ... just avoiding the inevitable as long as possible.
A youth runs away.
The problem is deferred, but:
Nothing is solved.
That's probably going to be a popular one, if I publish it -- I can tell because I hate it already.
I trot down the stairs to Nagato's shop and open the door. The bell jingles loudly, and Kintaro and Nagato look up from behind the counter as I enter.
"Hi, Uncle!" Kintaro calls, waving at me as he hops to his feet. "Is it time for dinner?"
"Auntie and Suzumiya-san are cooking," I answer. "But if you're done, you can go upstairs and wash up."
"Okay, can I watch some television? I want to see what's happening on Trope-Tan Next!"
I'm pretty sure he already has that series in boxed sets at home.... "Hmm. Well, you can watch one episode, but Nagato and I will be up soon."
"Okay!" he cheers, grabbing his backpack and streaking out the door, yelping at the blast of cold air. I watch until he vanishes at the top of the stairway, and a telltale splash of escaping light reveals that my apartment door has opened.
Nagato taps a few keys on her laptop, then closes it before rising.
"Nagato," I start, before she can move towards the light switches.
She turns to look at me inquisitively.
"Um.... Maybe it's all just me, and I'm thinking about everything too hard.... But these years-- Have you been happy?"
After blinking a few times, she lowers her gaze to her closed laptop. "That is the wrong question," she replies.
"That may be so...."
She shifts on her feet, and I can see her thinking about things. "You are not asking to determine my own happiness, but to gauge your own self-worth." After a pause, she adds, "This does not seem fair to either of us."
"You're almost certainly right," I sigh.
"However," Nagato says, even more softly. "Underlying that, you are seeking reassurance because recent events have disturbed your calm. I am sympathetic to you." Raising her gaze and meeting my eyes, she concludes, "But as long as you are here ... I am happy."
I nod at that.
There's no reason to push Nagato any further; expressing herself did not become much easier as she became more human. I understand that the entity tried not to change her outward personality much, now. Then again, that was because they wanted to see how she would handle it, not out of any desire to preserve the parts of her I knew.
After receiving Kimidori's ultimatum, I was treated to another awakening, though this time it was in a hospital. None of the convenience of my last hospitalization, though, where I waited one night and was released.
It was five days before they pronounced me fit enough to leave -- though I was only genuinely suffering from malnutrition. During that time, Nagato did not leave my side once, except when Tsuruya pulled her away to bathe and eat. I'll admit ... considering what I'd been through, and knowing what she'd done for me, I wasn't entirely sure what to do.
When I was released from the hospital in Kyoto, Tsuruya immediately settled the bill and took us into her care.
More debts I didn't think I could ever pay back....
It had fallen to me to determine what Nagato would need in her new life, and I had guessed she wanted a bookstore. The entity had therefore provided Nagato a building, some initial funding, and the proper paperwork to get started.
We spent a month trying to get things in order in the bookstore. I still remembered how to handle shipping and receiving from my part-time job -- but handling the entire inventory of a bookstore was an ordeal. Tsuruya came by to visit with Nanase-san, who helped show Nagato along.... Though, that worked out in a way I hadn't expected.
That wouldn't be telling the whole story, though.
From my perspective, I had somehow lost about eight months of time. It had been just over a week since I chosen to run from Haruhi -- and then, there I was, waking up in a hospital with Nagato hovering at my side, more uncertain and vulnerable than I'd ever seen her before.
One thing that Nagato had managed to explain to me, through all of that, was that when she was an interface, she was directly connected to the entity. Long and short of it, that connection meant that she was able to commune with the entity at will, and had been used to that connection her entire existence. Severing it had effectively left her in a world of silence.
In other words, with only her own thoughts in her head, she became very lonely.
I didn't understand entirely what it meant that she wanted to be 'with me.' What did that entail?
I found out the first night we moved into the apartments.
Nagato and I stood side-by-side on the porch, staring at our respective doors. Inside were the futon and blankets that we had picked up that day. That was our newly fabricated sanctuary, and the first chance I'd had in a long while to call a place 'home.' I knew I should have had the motive strength to open the door....
Maybe it was that I was still malnourished. A full day of shifting bookshelves and boxes of books around downstairs had worn me down. Why wouldn't she be tired, too?
At that time, she hadn't spent much time away from me since I had recovered -- no more than an hour or two. She was probably exhausted, being more human, but trying to keep herself running....
I turned to her, trying to force something like a smile. It was pointless trying to spend all my time guessing. I could just ask.
"Tired, Nagato?"
"Yes," she answered, her expression faintly apprehensive. Whatever else she was enduring, her emotions were more visible than ever -- and I could tell she was scared by that. It was a little scary for me, too, knowing that she was a fragile human like me, not the invulnerable being she had been.
That didn't sound right.
She was still the same person, but she'd lost her superhuman capabilities. And ... in some way ... according to Kimidori, she was dependent on me. So I had to watch out for her, like she used to watch out for me.
"If there's anything I can do to help you, you'll let me know, right?"
She didn't meet my eyes, and she looked troubled, uncertain of what to say. "I ... want ... to stay with you tonight," she forced out, her face heating up.
It did not take a genius to see what I though she was asking for. But then, as my track record demonstrated, this was something I consistently got wrong.
I realized that the door to my apartment was open -- that I had opened it. Shortly after that I realized we'd gone through the desolate, empty living room, and to my bedroom, which at that point contained an untidy pile of new clothes, and the futon. Whatever else I thought, neither of us had the strength to do much.
We both collapsed onto the futon, and I had the wherewithal to drag the heavy blanket across us before my awareness faded.
Which was just as well.
Of course, at that time, I wasn't staying with Nagato every day, as I was still being trained in the arts of garden maintainance. That was when I first was sent off to the temple to train.
Kurama-dera was an ancient, well-established temple, not just some remote shrine. And I wouldn't lie -- Hakase-sensei's suggestion that a troubled young man who was running from his own life should go to a temple was a brilliant one. Or maybe it was Tsuruya who thought that a quiet place would be good for me.
Not that I want to give the wrong impression of the area; it was very quiet at night, and through the early day. In the afternoon and early evening, the site was flooded with tourists. I suppose that's just a problem with any large temple ... I saw more of the people who came by just to pray or seek a moment of quiet and peace in the early mornings.
I learned a lot of the history of the mountain and the temple, and once was inadvertently mistaken for a shugendo, and asked to perform reiki. My knowledge was only sufficient enough to point out the site where the supposed healing art was established, but I was allowed to witness a fascinating ritual once the actual holy man arrived.
Mostly, it gave me structure, which at that time, I badly needed.
Every morning, I would wake up early with the other apprentices. And by 'early' I mean 'before the sun rose.' We actually shared dormitories with the novice monks. The monks were friendly enough, but also in a stage of their training that we weren't supposed to fraternize with them, which made the place seem more isolated than it actually was.
I appreciated that, though. Communicating with small nods and subtle gestures, spending so much time in places were everything was meticulously arranged....
And then, right when it started to become oppressive and frustrating, it was time to spend a week working at the Tsuruya estate with Hakase-sensei. The estate had a certain structure, too, but a much more relaxed one; Hakase-sensei would let me do the heavy labor while we discussed what I had been studying.
It probably sounds somewhat romanticized; that I was drifting towards the life of an ascetic.
Waking up in a dormitory full of monks reminded me personally of how much further I would have to go for that to be true. And, while my feelings on Nagato may have finally coalesced into something I could understand, spending one out of every three weeks with her sleeping next to me in my futon did not initially help to settle me -- even if I was glad to be able to help her in some small way.
Those were earlier times, though.... I do understand the relationship that Nagato and I have now, and while I explain it to others that she is like a sister, that may not adequately encompass the entirety of it. As time passed and Nagato adjusted to her changes, she came to sleep in my bed less and less.
There are occasions, here and there, when she still comes to my apartment at night, just to feel less alone.
It occurred to me to try and ask her out on a date once.... Sadly enough, after all we'd been through, I wasn't sure if I felt for Nagato that way. So I considered it, but never mustered the courage to ask directly. Make no doubts about it, she shakes the bell in my heart ... but as time passed, I realized there wasn't really any romance there.
"Nagato.... Is there difficulty between you and Haruhi?"
The sun has set completely, now, leaving Nagato and I in only the faintest lighting. She's still confident enough in that darkness to slip slightly closer to me. "Suzumiya Haruhi causes you discomfort and unrest. This is a difficulty for me."
"Mmm. Haruhi still wants to be your friend, you know."
Nagato considers this for a long moment. "I ... did not know."
"Well, what do you think she's here for, then?"
Her lips purse together tightly. I can see she's thinking about this, too. "You," she finally answers.
"So ... once again ... it's my fault?" I ask with a weak smile.
"Foolish," Nagato retorts, stepping forward the remaining distance between us, giving me a gentle hug. She turns her head to one side as her face presses into my shirt, and her voice is slightly muffled as she explains, "My presence would make the pursuit of romance difficult for you. Therefore, if there is fault, it is mine for preventing you from achieving your goals."
"Now that is foolish," I counter, and I'm glad that my smile feels more genuine. "Nagato ... we've been over this. Anyone who couldn't understand your importance to me wouldn't matter. And then there's...." But no need to discuss that now. Instead, I give her a hug in return. "I'm sorry if it's difficult for you to watch me near Haruhi," I tell her. "I did tell her about your family situation, at least."
Nagato gives a very tiny nod and moves away, but leaves her arms around me for a lingering moment. "Thank you," she breathes. I let her slip the rest of the way away from me.
"You'll be okay?"
"As long as you are there, it is fine," she says, sounding more confident.
The pair of us step outside while Nagato locks up her bookstore. Distracted with watching her, I hear the crunch of approaching tires before I realize that Tsuruya's limousine has pulled up. Nagato puts her key away and turns around as Kintaro's mother exits the vehicle with a tired, worn smile, waving at the pair of us.
"How is Kin-chan?" Tsuruya asks.
"He should be upstairs with Haruhi and my sister," I answer.
Nodding, Tsuruya dismisses her driver and moves to Nagato's side. "You look especially happy just now, Nagato-chi. Did something good happen?" She glances back at me, giving a teasing smile. "Maybe with Kyon-kun...?"
Nagato doesn't blush, just refusing to acknowledge the question.
Tsuruya giggles, then takes Nagato's arm in hers. "It's cold here," she chides, shaking her head. "Come on, let's say hello to Kin-chan!"
I follow behind the pair of them, the last one back to my own apartment. Kintaro is staring wide-eyed at his anime, breaking away from the ending credits to cheer and glomp onto his mother. At a glance, my sister is in the middle of recounting her wedding to Haruhi.
"Ah, there you are," Haruhi remarks from the kitchen entrance, waving a wooden stirring spoon at me. "Got caught up talking with Tsu-chan?"
"Yep!" Tsuruya agrees, twirling once with Kintaro in a tight hug before setting him down and beaming Haruhi her usual cheerful smile. "Sorry -- I didn't mean to steal your hosts!"
"Ah, that's not a problem," Haruhi insists, shaking her head. "Um...."
"Haru-nee," my sister calls from deeper in the kitchen.
Haruhi gives a tiny scowl before offering an apologetic smile and running back into the kitchen.
"Having fun?" Tsuruya asks Kintaro. "Good day at school?"
"Yep, yep!" he agrees. "Nagato-san helped me with my math homework, since Uncle and Suzumiya-san were busy talking."
"And you, Kyon-kun?" Tsuruya asks me, one eyebrow raised questioningly.
"I'm doing pretty well," I answer, realizing after I say it that it's really true. This is the 'family' night that Tsuruya wanted -- and I agreed to. More and more I'm realizing that Tsuruya's plan wasn't just for Kintaro's benefit....
Still, it's true. The family I care about is here -- Tsuruya, Nagato, my sister, Kintaro, naturally.... And having Haruhi join us somehow feels right, too. Except for Kintaro, who couldn't have known her, weren't all of these people Haruhi's friends?
"Ready!" Haruhi calls from the kitchen, making me realize I've done it again.
Just standing around like an idiot, thinking and not doing....
"What's with that face?" Haruhi asks, frowning at me as she reenters the living room.
"Haiku," Kintaro says knowingly.
I guess that tells me what I look like.
"Let's hear it, then," my sister says, bringing the first of the dishes out from the kitchen and setting it on the table.
No pressure or anything, right?
"Friends and family,
"Assembled at the table;
"Us in harmony."
No, that's just terrible....
My sister thinks it's cute, and Tsuruya and Haruhi both politely giggle at it.
"I haven't been at my best lately," I sigh, taking a seat at the table.
Haruhi takes the spot to my left, closest to the rice cooker, and begins serving out bowls of rice. "Well, I've probably been distracting you quite a bit," she acknowledges.
Kintaro sits to my right, opposite her, and Tsuruya sits next to him. Nagato debates for a moment, then sits next to Tsuruya, opposite me, leaving space between her and Haruhi for my sister.
After Haruhi hands out the bowls of rice, everyone murmurs the traditional gratitude. "Distracted by the next arrangement for the sand garden?" she asks me.
"Oh, a new one?" my sister noises, brightening. At Haruhi's inquisitive glance, my sister launches into an explanation of her current hobby -- something that began the instant she had a child of her own and a camera. She spent a few years photographing literally everything, since she'd never taken classes on the subject. Not to say she's bad at it -- I can take pictures of people, and some landscapes, but at this point she can tell me about composition, lighting conditions, subject matter.... To say nothing of her energetic rants about the various new digital cameras versus the antique film camera her husband gave her for their anniversary.
It seemed to me a relatively harmless pursuit, until she explained to Tsuruya that she wanted to do a photo book.... Tsuruya, naturally, took my sister's rambling seriously, and as a result, my sister is nearly obsessed with photographing my work in the sand garden, thinking it will make a great coffee table book with pictures of the gardens near the poems that they represent.
It still feels to me that somehow Tsuruya's estate should be more private than that, but Nagato isn't opposed, and Tsuruya herself doesn't mind. There's no reason not to let my sister have her fun, I suppose.
"I'll probably start working on the new design in a few days," I answer, serving a portion of tempura vegetables onto Kintaro's plate, then setting another on my own. "But I haven't actually picked it out yet."
Kintaro pouts at his dish as Tsuruya adds more vegetables and a serving of fish. "Aww..." he mumbles, before giving a resigned shrug and tasting his meal. "Um! This is really good!"
After giving a gracious nod and wink to Kintaro, Haruhi asks me, "How does the creative process work on designing a sand garden, anyway?"
"Do you really want to know?" I ask, giving a wry grin. "The foundations are phenomenally boring."
"Well, what else is there to talk about?" Haruhi protests, pouting.
"Why not tell us how your acting career started?" I prompt.
She gives me a hooded glance. "You are in serious story-telling debt," she warns me, almost hiding her smile. "But, okay."
"Suzumiya-san's a movie star?" Kintaro asks curiously. "Do you do voice acting, too?"
"A little," Haruhi admits, frowning thoughtfully. "Ah ... let's see. When I finished college, after spending some time working for the corporate machine, I decided to try and expand my horizons and, well ... live a more artistic lifestyle."
"What's the corporate machine?" Kintaro asks.
"Let Haruhi tell her story, Kin-chan," Tsuruya scolds gently.
"Oh, that's just a way of saying 'really boring work,'" Haruhi clarifies. "Anyway, how to say this...." Haruhi furrows her brow and gives Kintaro a tiny, slightly embarrassed smile. "You know, before college, I was something of a troublemaker. But that was only because I knew that no matter what, I was going to make a mark on the world."
"I knew it, too," my sister agrees, winking.
Well, they weren't the only ones.
Haruhi looks mildly surprised at that, but continues: "So ... in my last years of college, certain events started leading me into trying to live the same kind of life that any other generic successful person might. That's not really bad, but my old dreams of making a mark -- of doing something amazing and different.... I was kind of distracted from doing that for a while.
"Something came along, though, reminding me that the life I was starting to make wasn't the life I wanted to live." Her face turns slightly red, and she turns her gaze to Kintaro. "A...actually, I was really inspired by your uncle's books. I hadn't seen him in ... well, a few years at that point."
"Aww..." my sister coos, setting down her teacup. "That's cute!"
"Which books?" Tsuruya asks, thinking. "Hum ... Sprouting and Reach for the Sun, right?"
"Sprouting," Haruhi agrees. "I thought that making movies sounded interesting -- I'd tried my hand at it in high school, actually."
And with the exception of Kintaro, everyone in this room was in that movie ... including my cat.
"Well, since I didn't know how the big studios did it, compared to my style, I decided to infiltrate the industry from the ground up, and see what I could learn as an intern."
Yes ... that sounds like Haruhi -- more than her explanation that she worked in an office with Koizumi doing abstract math all day. I could easily imagine her dressing up like anyone else for an interview, marching up to some producer's desk, and then proudly throwing down a resume that listed her Toudai education -- while applying for an internship.
"After a few months, I'd worked my way up to production assistant, and my first project was the Bridge of Birds movie."
"Oh, the original?" Tsuruya asks with a sympathetic wince.
Haruhi laughs, rolling her eyes. "Yeah ... the studio signed this massive deal -- they were going to produce a whole series of movies telling the chronicles of Master Li and Number Ten Ox, right? Everything seemed to go off with only a few minor glitches, and then right after we were celebrating our release party, our lead actress--" She pauses, glancing at Kintaro as she considers what to say next. "Well, she did something that embarrassed the studio very much, and then the project almost died due to red tape for three years.
"To be honest, I'd given up on becoming a successful producer -- my boss basically dropped everything bad about the project on me and moved to the next film. There was still a lot I could do and learn, though, so I didn't let that bother me. By the time the paperwork was sorted out, I wasn't interested in being a producer anymore -- they were going to start the series from scratch anyway. I'd managed to establish a reputation for myself, so they wanted me on the project, but I was much more interested in trying out acting at that point, so ... they offered me a role as the lead as long as I was willing to co-produce."
"You voiced the ghost of Scented Hairpin in the original, didn't you?" I ask.
Nagato nods.
Haruhi blinks, more visibly surprised than before. "That's not credited!" she protests, unable to keep from grinning in satisfaction. "Not even on my IMDB profile! You recognized me, huh?"
One does not forget the voice of Suzumiya Haruhi. Even so.... "Nagato thought it was your voice."
"Ah," Haruhi sighs, nodding, her grin fading to a fainter smile.
"I think I remember that movie now," Kintaro says, pushing his plate away from himself. Tsuruya glances at his uneaten vegetables and pushes it back with a quiet chuckle. Pretending he hasn't noticed, Kintaro asks, "Isn't it about the story of Tanabata?"
"Yeah!" Haruhi says more enthusiastically. "I think a lot of people missed that, so you're pretty sharp to catch it! Tanabata used to be a very meaningful time for me, so I really liked getting to play Lotus Cloud and Jade Pearl...."
"I liked that series," my sister remarks, smiling. "You know, it's embarrassing now, but I actually didn't realize that you were the same Haru-nee that hung out with my brother when I was small!"
"Well, there was a lot of makeup," Haruhi says, shrugging, but still smiling. "It doesn't bother me that you didn't know I'm the same person -- I'm just glad that you liked the movie. Really ... if you're acting and doing it right, shouldn't you be unrecognizable as who you used to be?"
Except ... I knew it was still her. What did that mean, I wonder?
"Interesting," Tsuruya opines.
Some time after conversation breaks down into surprisingly comfortable, but mostly irrelevant small-talk, I excuse myself from the table to take care of the dishes. Haruhi quickly follows, insisting on helping, never mind my protests that she already cooked for us. "You'll have to dry them, because I don't know where all of your dishes go," Haruhi warns me as Tsuruya laughs at something from the other room.
"That's fine," I agree, getting a clean dishcloth from the cupboard. "Sorry, this isn't the most fun we could have while visiting, is it?"
"It's nothing for me to complain about," she counters, looking vaguely amused as she rolls her sleeves up. "You still haven't gotten that the whole point of us trying to catch up is to learn all about the kind of people we've become? What better chance than to see how you live your life, and do your job?"
"I don't have any secret gardening techniques for you to steal," I note as she hands me the first clean plate.
"Ever seen a washrag coiled into a whip?"
"Why, yes, I do have a sibling in the other room."
She chuckles, shaking her head. "Well, be that as it may...." She lowers her voice slightly. "I don't think I've been much of a guest to Tsu-chan, but it's just such a surprise-- I mean.... I had no idea that when I went to talk to her, I'd find you and Yuki, too. And your little sister -- still adorably tiny! But then...." She trails off and shakes her head. "Anyway, the point I'm trying to get at is that I should spend more time with Tsu-chan tomorrow, so ... can we visit again?"
"I don't see why not," I answer slowly. "When were you thinking?"
"Tomorrow I've got to find a good thank-you present for Tsu-chan, but I've already hit Kin-chan up for ideas on what to get. The next day, I have to go to Tokyo for an appointment, then...." She thinks for a minute, frowning. "Let's trade cell phone numbers. I'm going to be pretty busy for the next few days, but I'll call you when I get back into town?"
"That should be fine," I agree.
For a moment she looks about ready to say more, before she turns her head to the sink and starts scrubbing the last of the pots. Before I can really even consider asking her what it means, Kintaro pads into the room, asking for a cup of water.
In the quiet, after everyone has gone, I lay on my futon and stare at the ceiling. Except for my thoughts, I'm alone in the apartment that I have called home for nearly a decade and a half.
This is becoming an uncomfortable habit, reminding me of the times when I was younger -- when Haruhi had been a larger part of my life.
My wandering mind is interrupted by a knock at the balcony door. I roll out from my blankets and climb to my feet, my knees grumbling slight complaints at this unseemly haste.
When I reach the door and open it, Nagato is standing on the balcony in her pajamas, shivering. "I told you to wear that robe I gave you," I chastise her, taking her hand and leading her inside.
"Yes," she agrees quietly, still shivering. After I close the door, she walks to my room ahead of me, almost stumbling through the doorway in the dark.
While I do care for Nagato, her one real difficulty is acknowledging her own limitations. She can't see in the dark or go days without sleeping, like she once was able to. She can't ignore the cold, either. I don't believe that she forgets, as much as she just wants the reminder of what it feels like. Or maybe she just gets stressed and tired, and trusts me to take care of her.
Fair is fair; she's taken care of me more than enough in the past. Once we lay down on the futon, she curls up to my side, still shivering slightly as she warms up. Shamisen, long familiar with the ritual, trots into the room from wherever he was hiding and immediately hops onto Nagato's side before curling up and purring.
She warms up and stops shivering, but I can tell by her breathing that she's not sleeping. Not that I'm one to talk ... and Nagato's presence in my bed doesn't bother me like it once did. Now it just means that a winter night is slightly less chilly, and Nagato is less troubled.
Well ... I'd be lying if I said I didn't find some comfort there, too. More likely than not, all things considered, tonight is for my benefit more than hers. Shamisen shifts and stretches slightly before re-curling into an even tighter ball, heaving one enormous -- for him -- sigh before he begins to sleep. So, no complaints from him, either.
"You should pursue a romantic relationship with Suzumiya Haruhi," Nagato says very softly, breaking the silence.
Wait, what?
"Hmm," I answer, blinking. Nagato doesn't joke about things like this. "I don't know about that."
Nagato shifts, rolling to lie on her back next to me. Shamisen grumbles briefly about his warm spot moving, then settles down in the valley between us and almost immediately falls asleep again.
"Most likely she still has feelings for you," she says quietly. "While it seems unlikely that she consciously sought you out, the lack of closure has caused this reconnection with you to ignite those dormant feelings again."
I'm not sure I can handle this. Then again, if hearing it from Nagato like this is too much for me, then I can't handle anything at all. And didn't I make a commitment, those years ago, to stop running away?
Okay. So Haruhi might still like me -- though I have doubts about that, personally. I think she might have come to forgive me, but I doubt she still sees me as more than a friend. After Koizumi, and considering that she had trouble making friends in the past, well, I can see why she'd be so eager to try and rekindle that friendship. But the idea of her harboring some deeper feeling for me after how badly I failed her?
I don't know if I can believe that. Setting it aside anyway, I know my sister thinks that me marrying and moving into a proper house of my own would bridge the gap between me and my parents. And she likes Haruhi for her own reasons....
No, wait -- never mind what anyone else thinks. Even Nagato, for the moment.
Did I want to be in a relationship with Haruhi?
"I need to think about that very hard," I answer.
"As you delay, it seems diminishingly likely that you will encounter a partner who will meet the specifications you require," she says quietly.
This discussion is a bit more familiar. I like Nagato's delivery better than my sister's, "You are not getting any younger!" reminders, but....
"Those are non-negotiable points," I say. "The shapes I form my life around." Her, Kintaro, and Tsuruya.
Nagato doesn't say anything in response, though one arm comes out from beneath the covers to rub Shamisen's ears.
When Nagato initially had asked me for what I was looking for in a mate, I hadn't taken the question seriously -- though from long habit of living with her, I told the truth anyway. I didn't expect anything to come of it.... But anyone I did try to have a relationship with would have to tolerate what Nagato and I have. And I am not so stupid as to miss the fact that any respectable woman would find that quite difficult to accept.
Add in the agreement between myself and Tsuruya ... myself settling down now would disrupt Kintaro's life.
Or are those excuses?
I don't know.... It's late, I'm not getting any sleep. I have a strong urge to run away again, but that accomplishes nothing. Although.... "Nagato, what do you think about taking a trip?" I ask.
She turns her head towards me curiously, withdrawing her arm beneath the covers and saying nothing.
"I'm not sure if this came up, but some time in the past, Koizumi Itsuki passed away -- I was thinking of taking a day or so off and going to visit his grave."
Her eyebrows knit slightly closer together, and she makes a doubtful noise.
"Maybe the gardens there will inspire me -- wherever he is," I suggest.
She gives a reluctant nod. It's not running away, I tell myself. Yes, I am avoiding Haruhi tomorrow, but I am facing Koizumi's departure.
Looking at it as arranging events in time like elements of a garden.... A detour might be acceptable, and visiting his grave would let me at least let me turn those plots over in my mind, making room for new growths.
"You must inform Tsuruya Kintaro," she reminds me. "I will locate the site and manage travel arrangements."
"That's true." No running away, huh? "Thank you very much, Nagato."
"Good," she decides, her eyes drifting shut. "It is ... no problem...." Shortly after that, her breathing shifts, slows....
I rely on Nagato still, at least as much as she relies on me. I'm probably just fooling myself when I pretend otherwise. Maybe that's why I'm so reluctant....
No -- I will do my work tomorrow as I'm supposed to, early enough to meet with Tsuruya and Kintaro before he goes to school. This is not running away -- this is moving forward, even if it is in slow, painful steps.