Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No disrespect is intended with the creation of this work.
Note: May contain spoilers up through book nine.
Nagato's empty teacup slips from her fingers and bounces off the edge of the table, deflected on a spinning course into the kitchen. She stares at Haruhi intently, and I wonder what she's thinking.
It takes me a minute of thinking about things to react while she fidgets nervously, uncertain if she should chase after the teacup, or try and say something to Nagato. For myself, well ... Haruhi's behavior certainly makes more sense. Even if people on the whole have become much more tolerant than they have been, the life of an unwed mother in Japan is not an easy one.
I can imagine, then, her explaining her situation to her parents, hoping for support, and not getting it. In that state ... did she have no other friends she trusted for help in that situation?
"Well, that's explains some things, Haruhi," I manage to say, rising from the table. "Nagato?"
"I am surprised," she says quietly, turning to look at the table before her and bowing her head, seeming a little disappointed. "I did not foresee this."
Haruhi looks even more uncomfortable, shifting away from the table. "A...ah, well...."
I start, "I'll make some more tea--"
"No," Nagato decides, shaking her head. "I will."
I nod acknowledgement as Nagato rises, taking the empty tea pot and pursuing the dropped cup.
"S...sorry," Haruhi says weakly, looking strangely ashamed.
"For what?" I ask, retaking my seat.
"I--" She cuts off abruptly and makes a vague gesture. "Just for ... dropping in and ... well. Dropping this on you so suddenly."
"Yes, well ... hiding it until now was sure sudden," I reply with mild sarcasm, trying to give her a comforting smile anyway.
Her face colors at that.
"Now, now.... Alright. So, let me guess, then.... You're planning on keeping the baby?"
She nods, still not meeting my eyes. "I was ... really hoping that my parents...." She shrugs uncomfortably.
"Well, congratulations, at least," I tell her, leaning forward and resting my elbow on the table, and my chin on one hand. "Is that what all of your investigating Nagato and I was about, then? You're hoping for help with this endeavor?"
This is actually something I'm familiar with.
She gives an uncertain nod. "L...let me try and explain myself, because this is something I'm not really happy about, but I feel it's true.... Ah ... in the same way I figured out that ... I'm not the kind of person who could ever find someone to settle down with...." She shifts her shoulders, and I wonder at that sentiment from her.
More honest than some people I knew from middle school, but distressingly lacking in confidence, for Haruhi.
"It's not like I didn't try," she says, somewhat defensively at my silence.
I shake my head ... were my thoughts so obvious? "That's not it," I say, anyway. "What is this in the 'same way as?'"
"Well...." Haruhi sighs, looking genuinely distraught. "I'd make a terrible parent, Kyon," she says, shaking her head. "J...just like my own, really, except there's only one of me! T...that's what the problem is.... I know I want this," she explains, gesturing to her abdomen, "b...but.... Oh.... I don't even know what I want with my own life, beyond this! S...so, I'm afraid of this responsibility!"
"I can imagine," I agree. "Tsuruya-san was scared, too ... after all, with her husband absent...." I shrug as Nagato returns, her eyes flicking to me at that last statement before turning to Haruhi.
The quiet woman puts the tea set down at the table, then sits, refilling Haruhi's teacup and then my own before setting a clean cup on the table for herself. She glances between Haruhi and I, but has nothing to say for the time being.
"Well. Maybe it won't have to be that way; what about finding ... the father? Doesn't he at least deserve to be aware, as well? He might have some interest in helping...." Haruhi starts shaking her head midway through my suggestion.
"I don't know who he is," she complains, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Believe me, more than anything, I'd want to find him and tell him.... If I could -- I would be telling him about this right now!" She's so worked up it takes her a moment to calm herself down, her energy draining away over a few deep breaths as she blinks away the moisture in her eyes -- accepting another handkerchief from me with a half-hearted smile of thanks.
Once she's regained her composure, she continues, "But the whole point of the masks was anonymity ... the theme was fire, right? 'Here in a flash, and then gone.' There aren't any records, or anything like that. I mean ... I tried asking the owner, and I put some real pressure on her, but all I got for my trouble was an admission that they don't have any clue, and then blacklisted from further events."
"Surely, there's still some form of guest list?" I ask, frowning. I don't know about the legality of obtaining it, but there had to be some record.... "Or, couldn't you ask other people you know who were invited?"
"Fire theme was right," Haruhi says, somewhat bitterly, shaking her head and looking away. "I burnt some bridges pursuing that, and found that I'd reached a genuine dead-end.... As far as anyone I knew could tell, well.... T...this poet wasn't actually invited. So ... nobody knows who he even is! What am I supposed to do, take out a classified ad?
"'Me: One of two finalists in a poetry competition at a secret island gathering. You: A party-crasher and the other finalist. Also: I'm pregnant, call me'!"
"Possibly," Nagato murmurs.
Haruhi gives her a mildly surprised look at that.
"A joke," I remark, giving an apologetic smile. "If you say you've investigated, and nothing came up, it must be true."
"I did try!" Haruhi protests, her voice slightly unsteady. Then she sighs, hanging her head. "Stupid hormones...."
Which also helps explain why an experienced actress like Haruhi let as many clues slip as she had, ultimately.
"I'll apologize now if I bring up anything you've already considered," I offer.
"I have everything covered except actually being a good parent," Haruhi mutters. "T...that's what.... This is a lot to ask, I know, but.... It's so strange, just like in high school, Kyon is the most reliable person I can go to with my biggest problems.... U...um, what I want to ask is ... for y...you and ... maybe Yuki ... to raise my child."
I set my teacup down heavily and close my eyes, sighing.
This, too, is just like Haruhi. Dropping the work she can avoid on me and her other friends.
No! No.... That's not fair.
I've been nothing more than a cowardly run-away in my own past, regardless of the reasons why that happened. How much of Haruhi's outlook is my fault, anyway? My roots go deep at this point; I'll stand my ground and weather what comes.
But if I do ... she had better do the same.
"Let me just say that I feel you give up much of your right to call a child your own, if you can't even be part of raising it," I tell her flatly. "Long, long before there's any chance that I answer your request one way or another, you had better be damn certain that you're willing to give that up." I open my eyes and see her trembling, plucking at the edge of the kotatsu's cloth nervously.
"G...guess you can swear after all," she says shakily, forcing a smile. "I ... I do know...."
I sigh, rising from where I was sitting and moving to her side, setting a hand on her shoulder. The woman settles immediately at my touch. "Haruhi, I want to be your friend. I want to help you through this. I know you must be very conflicted right now ... and I'd like to be supportive for you. I don't mean to cause you undue stress, but can you answer a question for me? I'll warn you right now, it's a difficult one."
"Yeah," she says quietly, seeming to draw strength from our contact.
"If you want to make your mark on the world, why don't you want to be part of raising your own child?"
Her eyes tear up, and she gives me a heartbreakingly sad smile. "I can't," she whispers, shaking her head. "Don't you get it? I've put a lot of thought into this.... I know that ... sometimes I act too energetic for a lot of people to keep up with. Look at what happened to Koizumi!
"I'm not very patient, and I get bored easily.... Any child I tried to raise would have to raise themselves more than I would; I'd be an absentee parent at best, neglectful, short-tempered--"
She hiccups and shakes her head before continuing, "D...don't get me wrong.... I may never be the kind of person who can settle down with someone else.... And because of that, all I could ever really offer my child is love, and all the money I've saved -- and those two things alone are not enough! I want to give him or her the benefit of a proper upbringing with ... someone patient, kind, wise -- someone with a good temperament, and....
"To be honest, that's what I was originally going to beg Tsu-chan for help with. B...but.... I saw how important you are to Kintaro -- like the father he never met...."
She shakes her head as Nagato shifts in her seat, refilling Haruhi's tea with a look of intense concentration.
"I know that just because you can doesn't mean you want to.... But as always, Kyon is the most reliable person I know ... the one who ... through some miracle, happens to be the exact person I would look for, r...right when I need him most! I would ... want to visit, you know. And absolutely, I would do my part and cover all of the expenses -- like I said, those are the two things I know I can give.
"I know it for a fact, though ... that I would be awful at it," she sighs in conclusion.
"You absolutely believe this?" Nagato asks.
"Absolutely," Haruhi confirms, raising my hankerchief to her eyes to dab at her tears as she blushes, unable to meet my gaze.
Heaving a sigh, I go back around the table and take my own seat. If Haruhi has really convinced herself that it's true....
Well, no. You don't need any kinds of powers at all to fail at something you've come to believe you can't do.
If it's possible to change that outlook, it's not going to be accomplished in a single night. More than anything else, there needs to be a basis of stability for that to happen. Something Haruhi probably had not gotten much of -- especially after she parted with Koizumi.
"You have a place to stay for now?" I ask.
"I'm up in a hotel for the moment," she answers, shaking her head. "I'll get an apartment in town somewhere, I guess...."
"You don't have a home?" I ask in mild surprise.
"Legally, with my parents," she says, grimacing. "Because I traveled so much, it just made sense.... As things are now, that won't really work, though, will it? I keep all of my things in a storage locker in town."
"I see...." I heave a sigh, and offer her the strongest smile I can. "This must be difficult. I'm not going to make any promises, like I said, but as a friend ... let me offer to let you stay here, at least for a while." I give her a small shake of my head at her startled look. "You may be fine, now, but having helped Tsuruya-san through this once already, I'm guessing I know what's in store for you better than you do, for the moment."
Her cheeks redden, like a much younger girl's, but she nods, managing a grin anyway.
Nagato looks briefly troubled, then says, "I have a spare room. This may be more suitable, as Tsuruya Kintaro frequently uses the guest bedroom here."
Haruhi looks much more surprised at this, turning to face Nagato. "A...are you sure, Yuki?" she asks hesitantly.
Nagato gives her tiny nod at that. "This is likely only acceptable as a mid-term solution, due to the stairs," she adds.
"Unfortunately true," I agree.
"Bah, I don't care how much weight I'll end up putting on, I can handle stairs," Haruhi grumbles, crossing her arms over her chest as her blush fades.
"You are making an assumption that we will let you," I warn her sternly. "If you can't be troubled to take care of yourself...."
She startles at that, then gives me a lopsided grin. "Alright," she acquiesces. "You're the expert...."
Hmm. I suppose between the two of us, I am....
Nagato rises from the table. "Wait here. I will prepare the guest bedroom," she announces, marching to the balcony door.
Haruhi watches her leave, then turns to look at me, giving me a grateful smile. "Um ... Kyon? I just wanted to say ... thank you for being so reliable."
"As much as you've been saying that, I'm not sure I'm very reliable," I answer, giving a mild shake of my head. "Given ... well."
"Bullshit," she counters, her smile gaining more of her characteristic confidence. "That's what Yuki said made her stick with you."
Come to think of it ... that's true, isn't it?
Haruhi isn't done, though, continuing, "Look at Kintaro; you're absolutely that! So you disappointed one selfish girl a decade and a half ago -- you've made three other people incredibly happy for almost that entire length of time. I can see that much.... And ... reading between the lines, Yuki wants to talk to you in private for a bit." She shakes her head before I can protest and adds, "That's fine, though; I am the one who came to you with my problems so unexpectedly."
All I can really do is shrug at that.
Shortly enough Nagato returns to escort Haruhi to her room. To my surprise, before she follows Nagato out, Haruhi lunges at me, catching me in a tight hug. "Thanks again," she whispers, before leaving.
Nagato watches wordlessly and returns a few minutes later, after I finish cleaning up.
The pair of us sit at the table in silence for a long while, lost in our thoughts.
This doesn't bother me. In fact, it's become comforting over the years; silences with Nagato aren't troublesome.
After a few minutes, she turns to look at me. "I am sorry," she says quietly.
"It's hardly your fault," I remind her.
"I am sympathetic," she says instead. Shifting slightly, she adds, "This was not expected."
"The clues were there ... we just missed it," I note with a shrug.
Nagato's head lowers slightly in contemplation. After a few minutes, she surmises, "You will attempt to help her."
"I seem to have a soft spot for pretty women in trouble and their children, don't I?" I sigh, hanging my head. "I'm really not at all certain I'm happy with the idea of Haruhi dumping a child on me and then running off to live the rest of her life, though."
Nagato gives a small nod at that.
"Really ... what I'd like to do more than anything else is try and convince her that she can raise her own child. She just said that she knew that just because you can do something, doesn't mean you want to, right? So ... maybe that's really the issue."
In response, Nagato gives a slow, thoughtful nod. Looking slightly away, she agrees, "There is time."
When the morning comes around, I wake up early from a restless sleep. With time to spare, I make breakfast for Nagato and myself, remembering only at the last moment to make an extra portion for Haruhi. The pair of them come over, Haruhi still rubbing at her eyes sleepily as they sit at the table.
After we finish eating, Haruhi turns to Nagato and asks, "Do you always eat at Kyon's place, Yuki?"
"I do not enjoy cooking," Nagato answers.
"She can, though," I note, gathering up the dishes. Winking, I add, "Our lazy little Nagato just doesn't like to. It's curry from her, almost every time."
"Kyon!" Haruhi yelps in protest, her eyes widening. "Saying something like that to Yuki -- to Yuki-chan!"
"It is true," Nagato says quietly, sipping at her tea, accepting the change in address from Haruhi without remark.
Haruhi's taken aback by that, looking at Nagato speculatively.
I explain, "She could probably be a better cook than me, but...." I shrug. "As it works out, Nagato wouldn't let me cook for her every meal, normally."
"So, if this is your building," Haruhi asks slowly, giving Nagato a thoughtful look, "is it that Kyon does your housework and cooks for you instead of paying rent, Yuki-chan?"
Sipping her tea, Nagato raises her right hand and gives Haruhi a silent thumbs-up, which prompts the woman to burst into laughter.
After leaving the dishes in the kitchen, I return to the living room and check the clock. "Ah," Haruhi starts. "You have to get to work?"
Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I have to do some shipping for Nagato today, too. "I was thinking about meeting up with Tsuruya-san and Kin-chan before he gets to school," I say with a shake of my head. "If you were up to speaking with her, at least."
Haruhi shakes her head uncertainly, plucking at her outfit. "I'd like to get my things and wash up, first," she defers. "Um ... but I do have to tell her. Ah, I have some errands to run.... I can depend on you to find an opportunity for me to explain things to Tsu-chan, right?"
I force down a sigh. "I'll see what I can work out and give you a call," I assure her. "Alright ... enjoy your tea and have a nice day, you two. I'll be back later."
They nod at me as I leave them in my apartment.
After meeting with Kintaro and Tsuruya for the daily walk to school, the woman raises her eyebrows, looking at me sidelong. Once we're out of earshot of Kintaro, or any of his classmates, she adopts a slightly predatory smile and asks, "Haruhi stayed after dinner last night, hmm?"
I nod in answer, not meeting her eyes.
"Ah...." She sighs. "Your step isn't light enough for what I hoped, is it?"
I almost stumble at that.... Somehow, she has a knack for picking exactly the right words -- or exactly the wrong moments to deliver them. The amused glint in her eyes at my antics doesn't fade in the slightest, though her expression takes on a slightly more sympathetic cast.
After huffing a terse sigh of my own, I shake my head. "For the moment, my troubles increase, Tsuruya-san. She will explain things to you, but evidently I've managed to reclaim my ancient and hallowed position of Haruhi's 'odd jobs man.'"
Tsuruya's smile vanishes instantly. "I can't like how tense you are from that," she notes.
Am I?
No reason to really think about it; she must be right.
Trying to make myself relax a bit, I give a reluctant nod. "I'm in a bit of a spot.... It's nothing I can't get out of, though. Haruhi wants to explain things to you, and that's fallen to me to arrange." I shrug. "Then ... well. We can jump off that bridge when we get to it."
"Hmm," Tsuruya hums thoughtfully, her eyes distant. We walk in silence back to her estate, but inside the gate, where no one can overhear us easily, she shakes her head and says, "I especially can't like that. I will call Haruhi and arrange that meeting." She gives a judicious nod and smiles at me. "So! Let that responsibility trouble you no more!"
"Gladly," I agree, giving her a grateful smile. "Thank you for that much, Tsuruya-san."
Her smile is a bit more amused at that. "Haruhi should be visiting me this afternoon. Hmm, should Kin-chan go home with you, I wonder?"
Asking, in her own subtle way, of course, if there are things Kintaro should not hear.
"That may be for the best," I agree.
"Good," she decides. She pauses, about to say more, but then is mindful of the other staff and gives me an even brighter grin instead, before she retreats into her home.
That gives me some measure of peace....
Needing time, space, and to burn off some anxious energy, I take an early hike up the mountain, ostensibly scouting for areas where the foliage might need to be cleared to prevent fire hazards in the future. Without a wheelbarrow of caged tanuki to slow me down I take a meandering path up the side of the hill, agitated and upset that everything is happening at once.
I reach the clearing where -- long ago, so long ago -- Koizumi and I dug for buried treasure.
Hindsight is not my friend today.
I sit on that same gourd shaped boulder and contemplate the clearing.
On this very spot, Haruhi, Asahina-san, and Nagato had given me chocolates they had prepared themselves for Valentine's Day. One hand goes to my forehead as I think about what Asahina-san had told me then -- that Haruhi had insisted she write 'obligation' at the top, lest I think it was meant as a romantic gift, not just something for a friend. Nagato's cake had borne something similar.
But Haruhi's....
"Why was I so stupid?" I ask no one. "Years before I ran away...."
I get no answer at all, which is more comforting than Kimidori or Asakura offering their insight. Are they still watching us, I wonder?
Truly, I'm happier not knowing the answer to that.
I try and find my center, mulling things over:
Tangled together,
Despair, delight, and new life:
Haruhi is back.
I laugh at the absurdity of that, and a few minutes later I start to shake as my tears come, realizing so much more that I had always tried to deny to myself.
After all this time.... I'm still so stupid -- it's pathetic, really.
I ran away from her. And then, well ... my life went in unexpected directions. I have no ground to stand on, myself.
So, what right do I have to be heartbroken that she's carrying someone else's child?
Stupid.
Some time later, when I should probably be having lunch, I walk down the mountain. Not towards the estate, directly, but angling towards the river that flows through the property. I wash my hands and splash my face until I feel a bit calmer, then return.
I don't want to face Tsuruya until she talks to Haruhi. If I were to do so, I'd undoubtedly spill all of the details without meaning to. Or worse, she'd put two and two together without even needing to ask me.
After closing up the gardening shed, I leave the estate, feeling like I'm running away again.
Back at Nagato's shop, she looks up as I open the door, some expression flashing across her face. She closes her laptop silently and intercepts me as I cross the floor, heading towards the shipping room. I can't pretend she's not there.
"Suzumiya Haruhi's presence has caused you distress," she assesses.
I can only nod at that.
Her voice is softer, clearly disappointed when she says, "I had ... hoped ... for better. For you."
"Let's not be selfish," I sigh. "Haruhi has a lot of concerns and issues right now. Shouldn't we be thinking of her?"
"You may," Nagato answers. "I will think of you, because you do not."
I can't help but smile at that. "It's just a bit to wrap my head around," I tell her.
"You are unhappy?" she says, a tiny questioning lilt in her voice.
Am I?
"I'm depressed, a bit," I say. "But in my mind 'unhappy' means longer-term. So, I don't think I'm unhappy. Just very sad at the moment."
She blinks at me, seeming to realize something.
I feel even more stupid, but I have to ask.... "You've always known how I felt about her, didn't you? And how she felt about me? Even when I couldn't figure it out?"
She nods, her eyes shifting away from mine. "I was not permitted to relay such observations to you at that time."
And afterwards, what would the point have been? Making me feel even worse when she was trying to adjust to becoming human herself?
"I am sorry."
I raise one hand and gently pat her head. Her posture relaxes instantly, and I want to berate myself for not thinking of her. "Even after this long, somehow, it's surprising.... I really was starting to hope--" I cut myself off and shrug.
Nagato, ever the pragmatist, maintains her calm expression and level tone, despite my touch. "This development does not preclude the possibility of a romantic future," she notes.
"Right now, Haruhi seems to believe there are the two things she can't do," I return, dropping my hand to my side. "She thinks she's no good in a relationship, and she can't be a parent. Trying to ask her to do both at once...."
Very quickly, Nagato's head rises again, her eyes staring into mine. "You are open to the possibility," she presses.
We both know she's right, so I don't really answer.
"I've got to take care of the shipping before picking Kin-chan up," I say. "Where's Haruhi, anyway?"
"Shopping," she answers. "Then visiting at the Tsuruya estate."
In retrospect.... I didn't really think this through, did I?
"Well, alright. I'd better get to work," I say, shaking my head and moving to step around Nagato.
She doesn't step away, just raising one hand and gently pressing it against my arm. "No," she says quietly. "That is unimportant. Lunch."
I can't help but smile at Nagato for that. "Alright," I agree. "Thank you." She smiles back, and once again, that's enough.
I had said at one point I would broach a certain subject with Kintaro, and I haven't yet. Today may as well be the day that it happens -- even if there may turn out to be no real point to it.
After meeting up for the walk, I listen to his explanation of his lessons with a small smile. I'm not so distracted that I miss when he tries to tell me that he studied the first jet-pack invasion of the polar ice caps. "I suppose that wasn't history when I was your age," I remark. "Did it happen recently? When I was your age, jet-packs were notoriously unreliable -- and vastly overpriced."
He colors and chuckles at being caught, shaking his head. "Well ... you looked distracted, Uncle," he tries, grinning.
"Hmm. Not that much. Anyway.... Kin-chan, what do you think of Suzumiya-san?"
He looks at me curiously, then adopts an indignant pout. "I think she's really awesome, but I don't have a crush on Suzumiya-san," he grumps, sniffing. "She's old! Like you and Mother! Not like, super old, like Grandfather, but still old."
Just when his wisdom seems about to overtake his age, something like that pops out.
I can't help but smirk at the comment, but I let it pass unremarked. "You wanted to know if you'd see more of her, didn't you?" I ask.
He nods at that, now more curious than anything else. "She has neat stories! Is she going to live nearby?"
"For a while, at least," I agree. "It seems for a few months, she'll be staying with Nagato."
Kintaro looks genuinely confounded for a minute. "Why not with you?" he asks, giving me a curious look.
I almost trip again, but I resist giving him a dark look at that comment. Obviously, he has inherited this knack and sharpness from his mother. Is it so obvious even an eleven year old boy saw what I couldn't?
To someone as brilliant as Haruhi.... I suppose it must have been my impossible stupidity that fascinated her. It must have seemed nothing short of miraculous that I could get passing grades and still not notice that.
"Uncle?" Kintaro asks anxiously. "Was that wrong to ask?"
"No," I say quickly, shaking my head. "Not that, Kin-chan. It's just.... Ah, well, there have been some very heavy thoughts looming overhead lately." I give him a weak smile.
He gives me a wondering stare for a few minutes. After a while he gives me a small nod, looking relieved before he lights up with that glowing Tsuruya grin. Turning his face to the sky, he says:
"Food, dance, song, and drink --
"give the poet strength because,
"laughter is the best!"
Then he glances at me. "Is it okay?" he asks brightly.
"I like it," I tell him honestly. "I think Suzumiya-san would like it more if instead of 'poet' you said 'artist,' but I agree with your message." Who wouldn't rather be happy?
He nods at that.
I absently drop one hand to his shoulder for the rest of the walk home, and Kintaro cheerfully continues telling me about his day at school.
A little bit of time in my apartment with Kintaro -- Haruhi being nowhere in sight -- is surprisingly pleasant. While he works on his homework, I pull out some of my notebooks and pore over older poems, bits of haiku that I never felt were quite good enough. Or just weren't complete.
Later, Nagato comes up and joins us. Kintaro is done with his homework, so I let him watch some television with Nagato while I take care of the shopping.
As I'm on the stairs my phone rings, and I answer it without checking who's there. "Hello?"
"Uh.... Hi, Kyon!" Haruhi says, a tiny bit uneasily. "I, um.... I'll be staying with Tsuruya tonight-- Sorry for not letting you and Yuki-chan know earlier."
"That should be fine," I reply. And it was before I finished shopping, so that saves me a bit of trouble. "Is everything alright?"
"Fine! Just-- Everything's going great-- Tsuruya has a lot of ... advice for my situation, you know? So, it seems like it would be a good idea to try and soak up some of that wisdom! That's why I'll be staying with her tonight, naturally!"
"I see...." I can't quite help but think that there's more to this then she's letting on. Still, it involves Tsuruya, and I trust her, so I'll let well enough alone. "Well, thanks for that update, Haruhi. Kin-chan says hello to you and Tsuruya-san -- I'll have him call his mother before bed. I'll see you tomorrow, then?"
"Yeah!" Haruhi says, almost too quickly. "Ah-- I've got to go. Talk to you later?"
"Yes," I agree. "Take care."
"I will!" she says, seeming slightly more cheerful. "You too, Kyon!" Then she disconnects.
I wonder about it briefly, but then decide it isn't worth thinking about. More likely than not, Tsuruya arranged things so I would have some peace. Why squander that with worrying about things now?
After the shopping, Nagato and Kintaro are engaged in a game of go when I return. At a glance, Nagato started Kintaro off with a six stone advantage, and that seems to be enough for him to hold his own. Kintaro always beats me at go, but is smart enough to realize that it's always close for a reason -- and he's a quick learner. Especially since I always win against Nagato, unless I give her a four stone advantage or better.
"I hope everyone's in the mood for donburi," I remark, heading into the kitchen after pausing to examine the board. This game should probably be finishing around the time dinner is ready.
"I am!" Kintaro says cheerfully. Then he pauses, looking thoughtful. "Suzumiya-san isn't here?"
"She had some business to discuss with your mother," I tell him apologetically.
Nagato gives a very small, unsurprised nod and with quiet deliberation places another stone. Her quiet voice notes, "Atari," as she pulls her fingers back from the board.
Kintaro is drawn back into the game at the threat of capture and carefully contemplates his next move.
I busy myself in the kitchen, thinking that I should do the same.
The next day, after seeing Kintaro to school, I get a somewhat late start on heading to the Tsuruya estate. I spend the entire day until lunch cleaning Nagato's apartment (and my own, of course), and then taking care of the shipping. These simple patterns, planted long ago into another garden....
When I finish with the shipping, boxes separated into neat piles, Nagato surprises me with a lunch she bought from a shop down the street.
After a few last tranquil moments, enjoying the meal quietly together, she tells me, "Have a good day."
I nod, thanking her and hoping I will.
At the Tsuruya estate, I finish my inspections early, and as I'm crossing the walkway by the sand garden I find Tsuruya and Haruhi sitting together on the rear porch. Haruhi seems absorbed in studying the design in the garden, while Tsuruya's eyes are initially on some distant spot in the sky. When I round the corner, Haruhi quickly turns to look away, fascinated by some detail of the walkway, while Tsuruya turns to look at me, a sad, apologetic smile coming to her face.
"I-- Ah, I'll see you later, Kyon," Haruhi says hurriedly, one hand rising to press against the side of her face before she jogs into the house, giving no further explanation. For whatever reason, her host doesn't really move to follow her, except with her eyes.
Tsuruya sighs as Haruhi leaves, shaking her head and rubbing at the palm of her right hand with the fingertips of her left. Hopping down to the walkway, Tsuruya makes a small gesture that I should follow, ordering, "Walk with me."
I nod at her deferentially, not sure what to make of this shift. Tsuruya is capable of putting on an incredibly stern demeanor -- likely something to do with her family business. She's never turned that to me before, so unless I miss my guess, she's much more upset about this than I've seen her since her husband's death....
I follow her wordlessly into the shrine garden. She paces around the central formation restlessly, finally stopping before the steps of the shrine building after a dozen pensive orbits. "I am dissatisfied," she declares, turning to fix me with a level gaze.
With some effort, I manage not to flinch back, but I bow my head. How have I failed Tsuruya? I've been so self absorbed lately ... it must have been something. I resist the urge to apologize. I have to figure out what I did wrong, first; a meaningless apology is just that.
"Not with you," she adds quickly, sighing. I look up with surprise and see that she's pinching the bridge of her nose. "When Haruhi came back, I hoped that it was a chance to restore something wonderful, to -- to rekindle the dim embers of a once vibrant friendship! Or.... Or that maybe she'd come because she wanted to make amends....
"But, no, she came back just to burden and hurt two of my precious people!" She stomps one foot in pronounced irritation.
Even though I'm taken aback by all of this, I reach out and take her hand in my own; it's rare for Tsuruya to become so emotional she shows it like that. She heaves a sigh and closes her eyes, stilling herself.
"She hasn't hurt me," I say weakly.
"You may lie to yourself, but that won't fool me," she growls, locking gazes with me, a blazing fire shining in her eyes. "This is part of why I'm so mad! Haruhi doesn't want to take responsibility for her problems, and you're just going to let guilt that you have no business feeling strangle your heart until you agree to do it for her!
"Also ... in the interest of mutual respect, Kyon-kun.... You and Koizumi-kun seemed to be mislead into doing what hurt Haruhi, from what Nagato-chi told me -- it was Nagato-chi's family, wasn't it? Regardless of the reasons, causing her a season of sadness -- compared to what you've already endured -- does not obligate you this much. So if you try and be self-recriminating and apologetic, or say that you owe her this, I will slap the shit out of you, same as her!"
I've never heard Tsuruya swear once -- not even the night her husband died, so that stuns me almost as much as the rest of her message. I swallow and manage a short nod. Those are the same thoughts I tried not to let myself think, after all. It wasn't as though they hadn't occurred to me.
Some of Tsuruya's heat fades, and she hangs her head, sighing again. "Of course ... saying all of that, and knowing you.... Even if Haruhi has not realized it yet, you will agree to raise that child, because that's who you are. And ... on the basis that you would be a better parent than her, well, you have more experience and I believe you've proven yourself -- but don't tell her she gets a pass on being a parent!
"I can see those gears turning, and I know Nagato-chi still wants to try and make Haruhi be good to you. If that fails, then I will adopt the child. Kintaro won't mind a sibling, and my family, well -- that will be a problem I can settle." She waves a hand dismissively. "I'd like to see the future where Haruhi leaves happiness in her wake, not broken hearts. So give her a chance to grow up a little bit, and let us hope that adoption of any sort is a safety net she doesn't see until it's required."
There's a million things I should probably be saying right now. "You slapped her?" I ask, finding my voice, and uttering one of the things that doesn't, really, need to be asked.
She doesn't quite roll her eyes. "I didn't kick her in the stomach," Tsuruya says, mildly defensive. "And she was too self-absorbed in the fact that she'd found someone to take care of her child -- despite the fact that you haven't told her you would. When she didn't show enough concern for you, how should I have acted?"
It's not my place to tell Tsuruya she's gone too far. All the same.... That's a stinging revelation. "No concern at all?" I ask, feeling a bit pathetic.
"Oh, it was there ... just not enough to satisfy me," she clarifies, before she moves to my side and hugs me tightly, pressing her face into my shoulder. "In fairness, I may be too demanding on that count -- maybe no amount of concern would satisfy me. And that's because.... Well--
"Kyon-kun, I love you dearly, but you are deeply flawed. You devote yourself beyond reason to trying to take care of three people -- not even counting Haruhi and her baby, yet -- and not one of those people you worry so much about is you!" Then she laughs, though the sound is somewhat smothered as I hesitantly hug her back. "So, you're going to just have to deal with me and Nagato-chi doing what we can for you."
She breaks the hug, and after a moment the pair of us sit on the steps to the shrine. Really ... what she said isn't much different from what Nagato told me. It's still incredibly reassuring to hear.... And then, maybe -- a little bit like Nagato -- it's okay that I don't look out for myself as much. We all look out for one another.
"Do you think I'm doing the wrong thing?" I wonder.
"No," Tsuruya replies without hesitation. "You're just too good."
She shakes her head abruptly, glancing at the sky again. After the pause, she says, "We should get Kin-chan. We're having dinner with your sister and her children tonight -- Nagato-chi will watch over Haruhi for the time being."
"I'm not certain it's me that's too good," I tell her, giving her a smile I manage to really feel. "Might it instead be you?" Then, because we need to laugh, and I know how she'll respond: "I feel that I owe you thanks for this."
She turns to me sharply, and simultaneous with her, I say, "'There is no debt, only gratitude.'"
For a heartbeat after that, she shoots me a scowl. But that's as long as she can hold out before she bursts into laughter. I'm not far behind her, and shortly after that, we both need to jog to make it to Kintaro's school in time.
After walking Kintaro back home, I return to the apartment, where Nagato and Haruhi are waiting. Haruhi is subdued and anxious, fidgeting nervously. Well ... getting on Tsuruya's bad side would put me on edge, too.
Once I step into the living room, where the pair are sitting watching my television, I greet them both, and spend a moment compelled to look for some lingering trace of Tsuruya's slap. One of her cheeks seems slightly redder, but she quickly blushes under my gaze and bows her head.
"I'm home," I announce, unnecessarily.
"Welcome back," Nagato greets me.
"Um, hi," Haruhi manages somewhat sheepishly.
At a glance, the pair are watching a news story -- something about an upcoming movie screening. I take my seat and ask Haruhi, "How are you doing?"
"I...I'm alright," she says cautiously, trying a hesitant smile. "U...um.... Tsuruya kind of ... pointed out that I was being really ... inconsiderate about this entire thing."
I'm not really sure how to answer that. On the one hand, I do somewhat agree with Tsuruya ... her thoughts were only echoes of mine, after all. On the other hand, I entirely agree with Tsuruya; there isn't any reason to let Haruhi have no worries at all. Especially if there's to be any chance of swaying her her to mind of raising her child herself -- or at the very least being a more active participant in its upbringing.
"Well ... let's set that aside for the time being," I tell her, offering a smile in return. "Nothing is decided yet, after all. So -- do you think it'll be a boy, or a girl?"
She blinks, then looks very thoughtful. "Boy, I think," she says slowly. "I don't know ... I thought for some reason it would be great to have a daughter -- maybe someone who could grow up with energy like mine -- but what are the odds of that? So, probably a boy. In any case, I don't want to know until it's born."
I can't really follow her logic on that one, so give her a nod. "Have you thought about names?"
"W...well, um.... If it's a boy, I think I like Kinnosuke," she says, not meeting my eyes. "I haven't really thought about names for a girl."
Nagato raises one eyebrow very slightly.
I'm not sure what to make of that, myself. Not my name ... but then, not far off, either.
"That's a nice name," I encourage, not asking which characters it would be written with. "Have you scheduled classes to prepare yourself? Or found a doctor closer than Tokyo?"
"Ah ... Tsuruya insisted I use hers, so I'll be meeting him next Tuesday. W...would you mind going with me?" she asks hesitantly.
That shouldn't be a problem. "Of course," I agree.
"I have ordered several books for you," Nagato adds. "I hope that they are helpful."
Haruhi recovers some of the characteristic fire I know her for, nodding brightly. "Thanks, Yuki-chan, Kyon! You have no idea how happy I am to have found you here!"
And then, unexpectedly, she moves with remarkable agility, scooting around next to me and giving me another of those surprising hugs -- but this time she hangs on for a long minute. Even with Nagato watching us -- trying to hide that small satisfied smile she rarely lets out -- I hug her back.
Now that I'm more aware, and she's not wearing the baggy, concealing coat, I note the subtle swell of her belly. So ... Haruhi and her child....
...but then, Tsuruya's completely right. Is there something wrong with me, to think that after all of this, I will still be able to care for that unknown child? The father may be an unknown to me ... but it will be a part of Haruhi. Something -- and maybe this makes me very small and petty -- that will cause Haruhi to return, even if it's only on occasions?
What hope do I really have?
I'm already willing to give my all for the pair of them ... just like Kintaro and Tsuruya.