Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa. No disrespect is intended with the creation of this work.
Note: May contain spoilers up through book nine.
After what had happened with Kimidori and Asakura, Tsuruya rightfully had questions. And as shaken as I was, there was no way I saw us hiding that something had happened from Nagato, anyway. I felt both of them deserved explanations, and for Tsuruya, a change of scene wouldn't hurt.
As confused as she was, she agreed to come with me to explain things to Nagato.
Nagato let us into her apartment, her eyes shadowed -- she hadn't been sleeping well. Or rather ... she'd been trying too hard not to sleep. Once we had assembled in solemn quiet around her table, eerily reminding me of the first time that Nagato and I had met....
Except, this time it was my turn to falteringly explain things to Tsuruya.
Nagato grasped things more easily than I gave her credit for. Her only real concern in everything was that Tsuruya and I could have been injured.
I did edit my retelling of events somewhat on that count. What had been done to me was chilling to recall -- no need to relive it. Tsuruya seemed to catch on, but agreed that she owed me a debt of gratitude. In her words she had the strength to fight for a friend, when she wouldn't for herself.
Except, this led to a new difficulty in that Tsuruya's troubles weren't over.
"The problem," Tsuruya told us very quietly, pressing her hands together in that meek, nervous habit she had gained from her time with her husband, "is that the alliances between our families is not considered done."
"Don't tell me it would be better for him to have survived!" I protested.
"M...maybe not," Tsuruya sighed. "Um ... but how to explain this?"
"Don't," Nagato interjected, blinking slightly.
"What, you mean, pretend he just doesn't exist?" I asked, wondering what she was thinking.
"Don't explain this," Nagato elaborated, looking between us. "There is no sign to explain where he went, or what happened to him. We can expect that no evidence will be found. When asked, say only when you saw him last."
"T...that might solves one problem," Tsuruya allowed. "If I understand what you're saying. But then, what about the alliances? With ... my husband gone, and no heir...." She shook her head. "I'll be considered bad lucks for the next heir in his lines, and then ... I've failed my family...."
I didn't personally see much value in family that demanded so much of a person.
"But," Nagato said, her speech pattern only slightly hesitant, "if there is an heir, then this is no longer an issue?"
Tsuruya sighed, setting her teacup down and resting her face in her hands. "If we are lucky," she agreed.
Nagato lost some of the tension that she was holding, saying--
"Uncle!" Kintaro chirps from the foot of my bed, rousing me from the dream.
I rub my eyes and give him a tired, apologetic smile.
"It's morning!"
"So it is," I agree with a yawn. Checking the clock, I see I've slept in, and we'll have to rush to make it to school on time.
Honestly, it's nothing short of a miracle that he's up when I'm not.
After a hectic, hurried morning, ending with a quick jog to Kintaro's school, I go to the Tsuruya estate for the day's work -- starting with the sand garden.
A sand garden does not need to have a poem before it is a design. Sometimes it works out that way, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the inspiration comes from anything.
First of all, upon a casual inspection, the previous design held up through the rain surprisingly well. The old tanuki prints are mostly blurred, but a new set of tracks covers the garden. Thinking about things, that means I can probably expect our visitor to return again, soon. The prints come from the direction of the traditional garden, and describe a wavering course between the central boulder and the two smaller stones.
I settle the sand back into the classical outline first -- combing from the walkway between the main building and the guest house towards the traditional garden. I keep the lines as straight as possible, taking extra care to cover over the old tanuki prints, but leave the fresh ones intact. After that, I trace lines describing the creature's path, little ripples radiating from each step. After re-grooming the sand to cover my footsteps, I trace new curves and arcs -- the two smaller boulders describe the nearer bank of a river, and the central stone describes the far shore.
Whorls around the trees lead back and away, suggesting a forested hillside above it.
I probably end up spending about four times as long covering my own footsteps as I do just laying out the initial design, but when it's done, well.... Clever enough for the time being. The underscored but critical design element is going to be the humane traps that I will set out underneath the walkway and in a few discreet locations throughout the hedges.
I could do something more intricate or meaningful, but unless I miss my guess, there will just be more prints over the next day or two.
"Oh, very nice," Tsuruya remarks from behind me, while I stand I on the walkway and survey my work. "So, 'primacy of nature' takes center stage still, huh?"
When I turn around, I see Tsuruya, with Nagato standing behind her, studying the sand formations intently.
"Yeah," I agree. It's short notice, but since the whole thing is silly anyway:
"Artists love nature.
"And how does the wild respond?
"With paw-prints in sand."
Tsuruya chuckles, shaking her head at that before her smile fades. "Um, Kyon-kun, come in for some lunch, won't you?"
I hesitate a moment.... While I am afforded significantly more leeway than any of the other staff, I do worry about anything that might reflect poorly on Tsuruya from her extended family. Then again, Nagato is here, so there's nothing to worry about. Before I can step up onto the porch, my cell phone rings.
If Nagato and Tsuruya are both here, the only other person who should normally be calling me should be my sister.... Or perhaps, Haruhi?
Two pairs of eyes watch me expectantly as I answer the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey, Kyon!" Haruhi cheers from the other end of the phone. She sounds strangely happy. "So, hey, let's get together -- I want to meet up with you, Yuki, and Tsu-chan! You're on great terms with them, so I know I can trust you to set it up! Let's say, next Monday?"
"Fine, thanks," I answer. "And you?"
Haruhi's utterly silent for a moment, and I hear a distant speaker blare out the muted name of some train terminal before she laughs. "Yeah, yeah, sorry.... But, come on, Kyon, can't you do it? For me?"
I know I'll be free.... "No promises on anyone else, but I'll be able to make it," I agree. "I'll call you back once I work out the details, okay?"
"Great!" she enthuses. "My train just pulled up -- I'll talk to you later!" And then, just like the Haruhi of old, she hangs up.
Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
Shaking my head as I climb up onto the back porch -- leaving my shoes on the step -- I explain, "Haruhi called -- she'd like to meet up for lunch next Monday with the three of us."
I take a seat at the table after Tsuruya sits down, and her maid leaves. The entire surface before us is already covered with dishes. Nagato sits opposite me, with Tsuruya between us.
"Perhaps," Nagato allows quietly, turning a curious look to Tsuruya.
"If I'm free," Tsuruya agrees, shaking her head. "Um.... But, Kyon-kun, sorry to be so abrupt -- Nagato-chi has something she wants to tell you."
It's something of a surprise that she went to Tsuruya about something before me ... but I guess that's a sign of how much she's grown? "Um, okay," I say, turning to look at Nagato cautiously. "What is it, Nagato? Have you figured out what's going on with Haruhi?"
Turning her face towards me, but unable to meet my eyes for the moment, Nagato shakes her head and says, "Based on my recall of events prior to you and Suzumiya Haruhi parting ways ... my family had not told me of the risks that they related to Koizumi Itsuki, based on your performance on the college admissions test."
I try and process this for a minute, shaken too much to touch the plate before me.
"I don't understand much about Nagato-chi's family," Tsuruya says with a small shake of her head, "but I do know that if they wouldn't take care of Nagato-chi, they must not be very good people."
Tsuruya watches me closely, anxious for some sign of reaction. So ... all of that ... and in the end, my choice was based on a lie that some other member of the IDSE had given Koizumi?
Nagato finally turns her eyes to me, looking upset, uncertain of what she should say or do. "I am sorry," she says quietly. "I did not accurately predict the source of this attack."
Retrospect is a powerful view. I felt almost like I was observing my own body from the present, outside and above myself. Then my gaze went to the past, those years and years ago....
Both of us, not just trying our best and failing, but misled by.... Then again, when she had confronted me after I first ran away, what had Kimidori told me?
"I may not understand many of the details," Tsuruya says reluctantly, frowning, "but I would believe that they're responsible if Nagato-chi thinks so. All the same, before this becomes too much about what might have been-- As awful as it may be to say, I'm not sad that things turned out the way they did. Otherwise ... things would have been much worse for me."
That's a very good point. I couldn't think of trading Tsuruya's health and happiness away for it. That's enough for me to try and get a grip of my situation, though I don't have much appetite.
Tsuruya doesn't seem to care about that, setting food on my plate anyway. "Nagato-chi said you forgot dinner last night, and I know you rushed breakfast," she chides. "Eat something."
"It's still a bit to take in," I manage, forcing myself to pick at my food. It's very hard not to lose myself in that 'what if,' until I consider Kintaro. That helps settle me the rest of the way. "Ah, but ... that was a life ago." I understand why Nagato was troubled at Koizumi's grave now, at least.
"I couldn't blame you for wanting things to work out better for you, though," Tsuruya says quietly. "But since what's done is done...." She shrugs.
"What are you getting at?" I ask curiously.
"If you were tricked into losing an opportunity ... and then that same opportunity comes back into your life years later, shouldn't you try and take it, if you missed it the first time?" she suggests. "Things have turned out the way they have -- but what about the present, and new chances?"
Right. This again. I'm not sure if I want this just after trying to sort out that bit of confusion.... But she's right to point out the link. No, wait, wasn't it so long ago it didn't matter?
"My head hurts," I sigh. "Just to clarify...?"
"Come on, Kyon-kun," she says, shaking her head as she smiles. "Like Nagato-chi says.... You aren't going to settle down with ... anyone else you know right now." Tsuruya, naturally, is not a viable option; her family wouldn't accept me, even if Kintaro does. If I thought to ask, Tsuruya might not mind for herself -- but her family would see it as disrespectful to her husband, at best.
Now, these years later.... For Kintaro's sake it's better not to disrupt the arrangement as it stands.
Somehow, I get the idea that these thoughts are foremost in her mind, too, when she asks, "From here, would it really hurt to give Haruhi a chance?"
"What about Kintaro?" I ask. "I mean.... I don't like to imagine myself suddenly being less dependable for him. I can't see that you or he would like it much, either."
Tsuruya looks down at her plate, her smile fading. "What I think shouldn't matter, Kyon-kun. And Kin-chan...." She shakes her head. "Unfairly, we've already taken so much of your life--"
"'There is no debt, only gratitude,'" Nagato quotes, speaking for the first time in a long while.
Unable to deny those words, first spoken by myself to Tsuruya a very, very long time ago, now.... She gives me a guilty, reluctantly pleased smile, as though embarrassed to be chided by that phrase.
"That all being said-- Even if I have to reiterate it a thousand times.... Tsuruya-san, you know that it's you, Kin-chan, and Nagato that matter to me."
"And you have no other feelings?" Tsuruya asks doubtfully, giving me a happier, more sincere smile. "Well, fine. But you're not a devoted servant -- and when you are, you're not just that. If we're friends, can't I try and look out for you in this way?"
It's a bit to take in, but Tsuruya's viewpoint.... Well, she's right, at least a little bit, but for how I feel? I think about this for a minute.
"I'm not about to leap into anything without thinking about what I'm doing very carefully, at this age," I warn the pair of them. Nagato immediately begins to break into her amused 'triumphant' expression, and Tsuruya catches it too, her grin widening.
Am I so obvious, really?
Well ... I suppose to the pair of them, I must be.
"We'll see what Kintaro thinks of it, and then ... well, I've already resolved that I want to try being Haruhi's friend, first. From there ... who knows?" I ask, shrugging.
"Okay!" Tsuruya says cheerfully. "Then enough of this gloomy sulking! I like a bright, happy home, and cheerful friends!"
"Yes," Nagato agrees, losing some of the tension that's been haunting her since the trip to Koizumi's grave.
After lunch, I get a late start on my other responsibilities -- cleaning up the handfuls of loose branches from beneath the cherry trees. Ostensibly, they are 'wild' cherry trees, meaning I don't tend them much. As long as they're free of pests, they grow however they wish, and I never prune them.
On a slower day, I might go through and check for loose falls that are still tangled in the trees -- that can happen. Otherwise, I let the winter winds decide which branches need to go. Thanks to the rainfall, there's quite a bit to clean up, but that doesn't bother me.
After taking care of that, I check the shrine garden, which is still in order, and restock the depleted incense. Stealing a glance around, I also take the cleaning cloth from the lowest drawer of the shrine supply chest. For her own reasons -- which I approve of, considering things -- Tsuruya does not clean her husband's portrait.
All the same, it would be trouble for her family if they visited and saw dust on his picture. And worse, if his family were to come by. I light incense for him, too. There should have been a solution that didn't have to result in death.
Was it Kimidori and Asakura's meddling? Just to prove a point?
It doesn't matter or bear further thinking about, from more than a decade ago. I feel guilty, so I clean his portrait once a week, and burn incense every day. Tsuruya's family sees the signs and attributes it to her.
In the end, she's not quite the devoted widow her family thinks, but they respect her all the more for it. I respect the fact that she doesn't care for her husband. Another instance of things not working out the way we expect, I suppose.
But they did seem to work out.
After finishing up in the shrine, I go back to the traditional garden. Everything seems to be in order, once I feed the koi.
Then I spend some time going around the hedge, noting any places that branches have been broken. More wild animal damage, it looks like, but nothing severe.
Done, I round up all the gardening tools and put them away.
I don't know that it's any proper meditation, but you don't need to be a monk to reflect. Thinking while working, well.... That's where the vast majority of my poems usually come from.
Trying to put everything in perspective, I couldn't deny that I was still upset with what had happened. There was no point in being angry at the agents of the IDSE, though -- they'd established how far above me they were.
My thoughts go back to Koizumi, another victim of their scheming. And how long ago was that? When had it happened that he finally passed away? I suppose, actually, only three seasons or so after Tsuruya's husband....
A strange thought.
After watering the bonsai, I check myself in a mirror and see how grimy I've become.
I hurry back home without saying anything to Tsuruya -- or Nagato, if she's still visiting. When I reach the building, the store is still closed, so my guess is that must still be the case.
Today is a day for barely keeping schedules. I manage to wash up and change in time to jog to Kintaro's school, thankful for the winter chill and not the summer heat. I get to the gate just in time to catch up with Tsuruya, who looks amused at me before turning her attention to her son.
After Kintaro cheerfully greets the pair of us, we walk back towards the estate. "So, that's where you ran off to, hmm?" she asks.
Kintaro looks curious, then blinks. "That's not what you wore this morning!" he realizes. "Are you going on another trip?"
"No -- but I was making up for missing a day, and the rainstorm muddled things up a bit, too," I answer. "Sometimes clean clothes just mean clean clothes."
He pouts briefly before brightening. "But that means you'll still be here. Oh! Is Suzumiya-san going to visit us again, soon? She seemed really nice!"
"Oh-ho-- Does Kin-chan have his first crush on someone?" Tsuruya gasps, grinning at her son.
"W...wha..." he starts out, his face suddenly turning bright red. "N...not Suzumiya-san!"
Tsuruya bursts into laughter while I grin and pat his shoulder comfortingly. "Be careful," I warn him, "she's broken a lot of hearts!" Then, while the mood is still there, I tease:
"Though I go to you
"ceaselessly along dream paths,
"the sum of those trysts
"is less than a single glimpse
"granted in the waking world."
At his confusion, Tsuruya clarifies, "Kokin Wakashu, number six hundred fifty eight, written by Ono no Komachi."
"Maybe we can make a club, then," Kintaro suggests weakly, despite his embarrassment.
It takes me a moment to catch his implications, and when Tsuruya catches my expression at that, her laughter completely escapes containment.
Except ... I can't help but laugh, too.
Over the next few days, I have a series of adventures, most of them involving captured stray tanuki, which provides a distraction that lets me avoid thinking about things.
First, I find my traps have caught a large, sullen, male tanuki. I put his humane trap -- a cage itself, really -- in the garden shed and study the creature for a bit, contemplating what to do next.
Without better ideas, I give him water and a handful of dried nuts. Then, realizing I'm tempting fate by closing him in the gardening shed, I make sure the bonsai are secure before heading home.
The next morning, the sand garden is obliterated, and one of the bonsai has been heavily gnawed. I've also caught three smaller tanuki (two in the same cage), and an inconsolable, larger, frenzied female.
The male gives a sullen little huff when his trap is brought down and put next to his mate. Her frenzy only subsides when she has a good view of her three cubs, settling into a series of warning growls.
Tsuruya steps out onto the porch as I contemplate the interlopers and try to decide what to do with them. "Oh, my!" she starts, blinking. "I thought I heard something last night-- But this!"
She sets her hands on her hips and studies the cages curiously. "What will you do with them, I wonder?" she muses.
"You just missed it," I apologize to her. Indicating the male's cage, I say, "See.... Father Tanuki here, he was upset about his intellectual property -- his footprints -- being included in a work without his express written permission. He intended to speak it over with me reasonably, but ran afoul of Tsuruya estate security -- which as you know, Tsuruya-san, is quite effective."
"And then...." She gestures to the scuffed sand garden. "Mother Tanuki and the children naturally got caught up too? Aww, did they kill that poor bonsai?"
I might have shaken some tanuki cages, were that the case.
"I'll swap it with one of the ones in the shed," I muse, not really annoyed enough to sigh. The tanuki were caught and contained for the moment, so they would have to settle for their uncomfortable prisons while I gave what emergency attention I can to the wounded bonsai, restoring one branch, at least. The other two ... time will tell.
Late in the afternoon, I round up the cages and check their water. The tanuki seem okay, so I pile the cages into a wheelbarrow and don heavy gloves, engaging in a very long trek around to the far side of Tsuruya's family's mountain. I release the animals there with a stern warning not to intrude into Tsuruya's estate.
The male ambles off with a single wary, backwards glance. The cubs flee in terror, vanishing after their presumed father, and the mother angrily tries to bite me through the heavy gloves before she runs after her young. I can't blame her, really, so let her think she's chasing me away from her children.
Admitting to myself that most of the exercise was just to keep myself busy, still trying to avoid thinking about things, I take a very long meandering path back home.
By the time I get back to the Tsuruya estate, it's been cold and dark for a good hour -- Tsuruya insists that I wash and warm up at her place before going home. Then, of course, I get a chance to see Kintaro and talk about his school day with him -- and tell him about my adventures. Realizing he's missed a chance to see some tanuki (and that I hid one from him in the gardening shed), Kintaro gives me a sullen look until I offer to read him another chapter from his new book.
The next day is spent readjusting the bonsai in the sand garden, and then needing a new design -- 'gardener wrestles tanuki into cages, then replants bonsai' wasn't quite a theme I really felt deserved extended review.
I guess you could say it was tired.
Still, with that convenient distraction, I had time to think about it before I had to start combing the sand. Given the disarray, and all forecasts promising clear skies, I thought that I might have chance to make something lasting.
From chaos, form.
So, I begin with my traditional lateral flowing lines. Then, because I've been doing that far too often, I flip the sand rake over and comb the entire surface of the sand garden immaculately, as flat and level as I can. That done, I switch the rake out for one with larger tines, further apart -- this creates larger furrows, but fewer of them. I use this to start defining rings that begin some distance away from the sand garden's objects.
Showing off a bit, I actually do make these large furrows in spirals, all of them uniformly wide -- each line circles around its object thirteen and one half times. Counting, this makes exactly one hundred and eight circles, the significance of which I'll leave to viewers to determine.
If they notice.
The space between them is hopelessly ruined by my own trampling, of course, so this calls for the original rake. After a moment of contemplation, I decide that in stark contrast to the order and regularity, that I will fill the remaining space with finer, meaningless, meandering spirals and curls.
It is only shortly after Kintaro returns from school that I finish, surveying my work with satisfaction.
"Hum," he muses studying it very intently. "That's an interesting design, Uncle!"
"Thank you," I acknowledge, moving to sit on the porch and catch my breath. I inadvertently skipped lunch, working on the sand garden.
Tsuruya realizes what I've really been doing, and is able to easily guess that I haven't eaten. Giving me a slightly warning look, though still smiling, she steps to Kintaro's side. "Wash up and eat," she orders. "Your sister is going to be over soon with Nagato -- and she loved the tanuki-print design!"
And that will never go into any book in my lifetime, if I can help it.
"Understood," I agree, doing as instructed.
For various reasons, I'll not go over my time much in Tsuruya's palatial bathing area -- suffice to say it's comfortable, and by the time I finish washing and redressing, everyone else has assembled for the weekly 'family' dinner.
It seldom ends up being on the same day from week-to-week, thanks to Tsuruya's business.
Tsuruya sits at one side of the table, with Kintaro to her right, my sister to her left, and Nagato opposite her. Beaming a smile at me, Kintaro scoots to one side, nearer Nagato, making a spot for me -- between himself and his mother.
I sit down next to him and accept a bowl of rice from Tsuruya, passing it down around the circle. "I've been thinking very hard about the new arrangement," Kintaro tells me, nodding studiously.
"Me, too!" my sister gushes. "I wanted to get more of the tanuki prints, though...."
"Oh, Kyon-kun has a story about a tanuki family for you!" Tsuruya enthuses, serving a portion of steaming chicken and vegetables onto my plate. "Come on, tell the story!" Reaching across me, she winks and serves some more onto Kintaro's plate. "You'll like this one, Kintaro."
With a little embellishment, the tale of the Tanuki family and their problems with the irritable gardener stretches on for a good bit -- now it takes a full night of patient waiting to capture each of the creatures. In addition, each of them has their own bit of documentation for why they should be allowed to remain as good tenants of the Tsuruya estate.
My sister has a faraway look in her eyes as I recount the story, and I wonder what new schemes she might be hatching.... Tsuruya chimes in and picks up the thread when the story wavers. This works out very well -- I was just being silly, but she finds a clever way to tie the moral of compromise into the story. Which I find insightful again; I was just thinking it was good to move them elsewhere.
An animal control official likely would have done something similar, but Tsuruya's family land is private property, so it would have taken even longer. Still, I suppose I did give them a stern lecture, didn't I?
When Tsuruya ends the story with her characteristic aplomb, Kintaro and my sister both coo in delight and give mild applause.
"I still wish Uncle had let me see the tanuki," Kintaro grumbles, though he's not able to sound really upset.
"I took pictures with my phone," I tell him, which prompts a nod of approval from my sister.
"So!" my sister chirps, a gleam in her eyes. "Kyon -- how are you getting along with Haru-nee? She gave me a call yesterday!"
"Well, I was busy with the tanuki trials," I protest. "And before that, our trip. I haven't seen her since the last time we had dinner together."
My sister narrows her eyes at this, then gives a knowing look -- first to Nagato, and then to Tsuruya. Kintaro looks thoughtful, but says nothing.
Shrewd of him; I should probably have done the same.
Tsuruya and Nagato exchange a glance of their own, and then Tsuruya changes the subject. "Kin-chan, how was school today?"
The next few days are calm, since I have little to do at the Tsuruya estate beyond tending the injured bonsai. The branch I had thought I had saved is still doing well. One of the two questionable branches looks like it will hang on, too. The third is less certain, but the plant will survive.
The tanuki family doesn't return, so my work in the sand garden remains intact -- for now. In that time I do manage to arrange another lunch meeting with Haruhi, Nagato, and Tsuruya.
For old time's sake, since we're meeting at the train station anyway, Nagato, Tsuruya and I wait for Haruhi to emerge from the terminal and jog towards us. "Hey!" she cheers, coming to a halt a few steps away from the trio of us, grinning. She's overdressed for the cold -- wearing a heavy coat, scarf, and mittens.
"Hello!" Tsuruya chirps, giving Haruhi a brighter grin in return, unashamedly grabbing the slightly shorter woman in a hug. "Glad to see you again, Haruhi!"
"Aw.... Thanks, Tsu-chan," Haruhi giggles, when the taller woman releases her from the hug. "Kyon! Yuki!"
It's not like we were apart nearly as long as it was the last time we met, Haruhi....
At my side, Nagato watches Haruhi with something that looks like mild amusement. Haruhi seems to catch my unspoken criticism and sniffs, remarking, "Last time wasn't very cheerful -- I wanted to make a brighter memory of being reunited with some of my favorite people!"
"Fair enough. It's good to see you as well," I agree, smiling at that sentiment. It is a nice idea, after all.
"So, where are we going?" Haruhi asks, glancing about, as though some obvious clue were to spring out. As it happens one should have, and she misses it.
Nagato wordlessly gestures across the street to indicate the old cafe where we used to hang out.
Haruhi's smile falters for a moment as she sees it, before her eyes turn distant. "Wow, come to think of it," Haruhi realizes aloud, "we're really all that's left of the old SOS Brigade, aren't we?"
"Oh!" Tsuruya remarks. "I remember that! Your club?"
Haruhi had actually declared that Tsuruya's honorary membership had been revoked at one point. She hadn't told Tsuruya, because they weren't speaking -- and Tsuruya was in her first year of college, with us in our last year of high school. Haruhi doesn't quite look guilty, but looks nervously evasive. "Oh, but ... that old thing.... I suppose the SOS Brigade was gone when Kyon and Yuki left," she muses. "I guess maybe, really, it would have gone with them more than me.
"I wanted to build the kind of group that wanted to stick together always -- even if I might be busy with other things. In a way, I didn't do it quite right, but maybe it did work out! The three of you did just that -- stuck together without me." She hesitates, about to say more, then shrugs. "Well, it seems a little late to try and call it an SOS Brigade reunion right now, anyway. Instead, the idea of some friends together, that seems like it should be fine too, right?"
"It is ... exciting, but not distressing," Nagato allows quietly, when Haruhi's questioning gaze fixes on her.
"Right!" Haruhi says brightly, circling around and putting one arm around Nagato's shoulder. "So, Yuki! Today, you will be treated by me -- a pleasant change from being treated by this guy, huh?"
"Different," Nagato agrees, when Haruhi cheerfully hauls her forward, through the crosswalk.
Tsuruya chuckles, then falls into step beside me as we follow. Ahead of us, Haruhi's banter continues, occasionally interspersed with Nagato's concise commentary. "It's good ... Nagato-chi seemed nervous around Haruhi before," she whispers at me with a bright smile. "This is better, right?"
I think so, too.
After a peaceful lunch, which primarily consists of Haruhi giggling as Tsuruya recounts the -- now legendary -- tale of the tanuki family, and Haruhi enjoying restored familiarity with Nagato, Tsuruya stretches and checks her cell phone. "Oh, I have a meeting this afternoon," she says with an apologetic grin. "Um, Kyon-kun, it's short notice, but...?"
"Understood," I answer, nodding. Haruhi looks between us curiously, then turns to Nagato, just finishing the last of her bubble tea. Tsuruya winks, then bows, promising Haruhi, "I'll see you for dinner tonight, I'm sure."
Haruhi looks slightly startled, turning a questioning gaze to me. "I'll be taking care of Kintaro tonight," I elaborate to her.
She relaxes, nodding in satisfaction, then gathers her mittens and scarf. "But why does Tsu-chan think we'll be seeing each other at dinner?" she wonders.
I wonder why she left that bulky coat on all through the meal. Still.... Knowing something that Haruhi wants to know is a surprisingly fulfilling sensation. Even after all this time. "This is Tsuruya-san's guess that you will be having dinner at my place," I suggest.
Nagato nods. "Yes," she agrees, seeming to think that just body language didn't do it justice.
Haruhi blinks, and looks simultaneously embarrassed and satisfied. "So then ... back to your place?" she asks.
"Sure," I agree.
We settle the check and walk back to Nagato's building, and she leaves us to tend her bookstore. Haruhi hesitates for a moment at the base of the stairs, when the door swings shut and Nagato is striding between the aisles to her desk. "Did you want to visit with Nagato more?" I ask, suspecting that she does.
"Ah," Haruhi starts, shaking her head. "W...well...."
"It's alright," I assure her. "She does want to do her work, though -- how about this? Since I won't be much of a host dragging you across town to pick up Kintaro, why don't you visit with her once I have to go get him?"
"I'd really actually like to walk with you, instead," she defers, shaking her head.
Oh ... wow. Is what Tsuruya and Nagato have been telling me true?
No, no.... Calm down. One step at a time -- otherwise I'll trip going up the stairs.
"That should be fine, too." And then, even though I shouldn't tease Kintaro, and such a comment might well be a double-edged sword, I add, "Poor little guy's got a crush on you, I think."
Haruhi laughs at that and rolls her eyes as I unlock the door to my apartment and gesture her to the kotatsu. "Don't be silly!" she complains. "Really ... at his age, why would he have a crush on me? He's only seen me a few times!"
I decide not to push the teasing further. After turning the kotatsu on and preparing tea, I sit with Haruhi. It reminds me of those times very long ago ... but more, it reminds me of the last time we sat together, discussing our pasts. "So, what else did you want to catch up on?" I wonder. There's still things I haven't explained to her -- and some I probably never will -- but the vast majority of it has been disclosed.
"Well ... I guess I kind of had a question," Haruhi hedges, frowning. "But now that we're here, it feels awkward to ask about it." It seems unlike her to let a little thing like that slow her down. "I suppose there's nothing for it, then! Kyon, didn't you ever want to get married? Didn't you ever want to try and settle down?"
There it is.
Wait, why is that important?
"Um ... well, at first I might say it was because my training was tough, and then when I first started out ... working on the estate was surprisingly stressful, too. Add in the time I was spending working for Nagato...." I shrug, sipping my tea. "I was busy -- and in a situation that was difficult to explain."
And to be honest, I had much bigger concerns around then.... "I would guess ... around the time Kin-chan was born I realized that it might have been an issue, but the way my life was going...." I shrug again. "Well ... then I somewhat became stuck. I have Nagato, who is like a sister to me, and Kin-chan, who is like family, too-- And I'm not on good terms with my own family. That's not a good basis to approach a woman, is it?"
"Your sister made good arguments for it," Haruhi notes, smirking slightly. "And then, I suppose I'm asking things that I shouldn't -- it's not my business, is it? Let me explain myself anyway, though. I only asked that question because ... for most people, I think, that's a very important thing in their life, right?"
"I would say so," I agree, stifling a small sigh. This reminds me of another speech from Haruhi, a long time ago. "Companionship, right?"
"Well ... for most people, that's probably because that's what they think they need to be happy," she explains. "And who knows if they're right or wrong -- that doesn't matter. They're just looking to be ... well ... happy. And since you're important to me, I want you to have that. You really do seem happy now, too.... Like before we finished high school--" She cuts herself off with a fake cough as her voice thickens.
I pour her some more tea as she recovers herself. "S...so, there's that," she concludes, staring at the table like she wanted to say something else, and couldn't quite find the words.
"I appreciate that, Haruhi," I answer after a moment. Strange that less than a week ago, I was at Koizumi's grave, wishing he'd been happy, since he was my friend. "I guess that's friendship, though. What about you, Haruhi? Have you been happy?" Somehow, I think she deserves that, too.
She rubs at one temple and shakes her head. "The answer to that question is very long," she warns me.
I give her my best smile and nod at the clock. "I have time, Haruhi; you're staying for dinner, right?"
She chuckles at that, nodding -- some of her tension fades. "Okay, then. So, I don't want to say that I'm unhappy, because that gives a wrong impression. I've been happy, at various times, but for me, the hard part is figuring out what I want to be happy, right?"
I nod, thinking I can follow that. If you don't understand yourself, that makes things much harder, doesn't it?
"Well ... at first.... With Koizumi, for a while I thought what I wanted was to be successful," she says uncertainly. "Even if it wasn't in the business world. I mean, I still wanted more than anything to make a mark on the world -- to change it for the better. Koizumi ... he meant well, but just ... couldn't keep up...." She shakes her head and I refill her teacup, frowning to realize that the teapot is already empty.
Has it been so long already?
While I rise to make more tea, Haruhi follows me into the kitchen. "This long in the past, I don't think you should blame yourself for that," I tell her as I refill the kettle. "He did choose to be with you on his own, didn't he?" Even if it was motivated by my flight....
Her face shifts to a sour grimace. "Maybe it's pointless ... but I still hope that somehow, he got a second chance -- maybe another life that works out a little better," she remarks. She sighs, shaking her head. "But if it's wishful thinking.... I'd like to think that you could have made it if you had tried that third time."
Sharp as always, Haruhi....
"A pleasant possibility and a distant dream, side-by-side," I remark. Then I shrug. "But this is how things are."
She nods moodily. "Anyway.... After that I tried to figure out what I wanted to be happy on my own. And that was trying to make my mark on the world. That's why I got into the movie industry, for a while."
I nod in return, setting the electric kettle on the counter and turning it on. "It seemed to me you could have continued, making many more movies, if you wanted," I agree. "But then, the Haruhi I knew would get bored of that fairly quickly."
"And I did!" she says, brightly. "But I tried it -- and I decided that even though I learned a lot about it, and it was fun, I wasn't going to be the ultimate actress and leave my mark that way."
"So, what did you do after acting, then?" I prompt her.
"I went over to Kyon's apartment and beat the stories he owed me out of him!" she said in warning, waggling her eyebrows before she began chuckling at my expression. "Haha! That face! Always, that face!"
I don't have a mirror handy, but evidently me looking unimpressed has special significance for Haruhi. Who knew?
She laughs harder, then tugs at the collar of the heavy sweater she is wearing. "Aha, oh, sorry.... Hehe.... But you do owe me a story, absolutely!"
"My business with the tanuki doesn't count?" I muse, giving her a teasing smile.
"Well, that counts, but you owed me more than one!" She shakes her head, still smiling. "Come on!"
"What story would you want?" I wonder aloud. "It's sad to say, but I haven't exactly led a life of adventure that would be more worth talking about." I pause to turn off the kettle when it's done, and she watches me pour the water in silence for a moment. "So ... after running away, I met up with Tsuruya and Nagato, and maybe it's a bit boring, but since then ... we've pretty much just stayed here -- anything else I have to tell, you've already read in my poetry books."
"What about Kintaro?" she prompts me. "I know that you and Tsu-chan are friends, but ... was it a request of her husband's? Plus ... I can't get anything out of her on what happened to him, either!"
I gesture her back into the living room, and we both sit at the table. Shamisen is sitting at another cushion between us, his paws on the table as he surveys it, searching for some trace of a snack he shouldn't be stealing.
"I've already told you it's not my place to explain that," I remind her with a shake of my head.
"Then just tell me what I'd find if I researched it myself -- or I will," she warns me.
Humph. This isn't that surprising. "If you insist," I sigh, shaking my head. "For what it's worth, he spent much of his time traveling, frequently unannounced. More, I can't tell you, because it's simply not known. He vanished, and no trace of him has yet been found. As it happened, until Tsuruya-san discovered she was pregnant and there was no way to reach him, there had been no real reason to report that he'd been missing."
That's close enough to the truth ... though, I feel more troubled than ever before, repeating this old story.
"So he's missing!" Haruhi says in surprise, her eyes widening.
"I believe he is gone," I say, shaking my head. "While Tsuruya waited more than five years, the law believes he is gone, as well. I hope that settles your curiosity; this isn't something we like to speak of."
Haruhi looks briefly stung, then looks away. "I can understand that," she says quietly. "I shouldn't have pried...."
"I really do wish I had more I could tell you," I apologize, rubbing at my temples. "Ah, when you finish your tea, we should head out to meet Kintaro." After I say that, I realize how true it is. I don't like having to conceal things from Haruhi like this ... I suppose it reminds me too much of those earlier times, back in high-school.
She nods in understanding and drinks her tea quickly. "Right," she agrees, rising and grabbing her heavy coat.
As we step through the doorway of my apartment I try to lighten the mood by teasing her, "When did Suzumiya Haruhi become so self conscious? Are you trying to hide your figure?"
I expect a scowl or a snort -- what I get is a briefly panicked look before she puts that mask into place and laughs again. "We're all getting older," she says in answer, stepping ahead of me before stopping, realizing she doesn't know the way. "Shame on you, though -- mocking a woman's figure! You have no class!"
I don't feel real heat in her voice, just mild anxiety. Still ... enough is enough.
"Putting aside fairness, I overstepped certain bounds to answer your question--"
"Okay, fine," she sighs, before I can finish. "I probably haven't been-- Augh!" She stomps one foot and shoots an annoyed, hurt look at me. "You were always the one who could see right through me. You've figured out there's something I'm not telling you, but let's make a deal, huh? Just let me keep this secret for the moment, alright?"
I stare at her for a while and mull that over. That's her standard directness ... but it's also somewhat surprising to me once I think about it. Have Haruhi's emotions ever been this visible to me before? Not knowing is worrisome, and I really do wonder what she's hiding.
"No," I answer, which startles her. "Haruhi, you can tell me, or you can choose not to. Whichever it is, I'd rather you told me because you felt I should know, not because I twisted your arm and forced it out of you." I shake my head and point out the road we're going to go down to reach Kintaro's school. "As long as whatever it is you're keeping to yourself won't hurt any of the people I care about, then it's fine, isn't it?"
"Ah," Haruhi manages, her voice strangely thick. "T...that's...." She allows a sound to escape, somewhere between a giggle and a sob. "Okay.... Well, then ... thanks, Kyon." Then she grabs my arm again, just like she did the first time I walked her to my place from Tsuruya's. "You forgot your coat again."
I give her a sidelong look, unable to see her face, since she's looking away.
Maybe unsurprisingly, given my decision not to press Haruhi for details she didn't want to speak of, we pretty much just make small-talk after picking up Kintaro, and then on through dinner.
It's only when Tsuruya and her son leave, just Nagato, Haruhi, and I, that I get the sense she wants to reveal anything new. "So," she says, wrapping her hands around her teacup. "Um ... Yuki, I asked this of Kyon ... and I'll answer for myself, too, but I am curious."
Nagato turns to regard Haruhi with mild curiosity.
"What I'd like to ask is ... if you ever thought of having children?" Haruhi asks cautiously.
"I cannot," Nagato answers simply.
Haruhi's eyes widen, and her mouth opens in surprise. "O...oh," she says quietly. I suppose that is a bit of a shock ... but it's a fact that Nagato's been aware of her entire existence.
"Well, then, what about you, Haruhi?" I ask, shaking my head. "What's this all about, then?"
Shifting somewhat uncomfortably, she peers into her teacup. "Well, as it happens, I dated a little bit after ... things didn't work out with Koizumi. But none of that worked out, either. Strange as it may be to say, I kind of learned that I'm not really 'relationship' material." She gives a sad shrug. "By the time I was done with my acting career, ready to move on to other things, I kind of just quit worrying about it. I don't know. I moved into art -- I tried painting, sculpting ... singing for a while.
"When ENOZ broke up, Zaizen Mai and I formed a duet for a time, too." Looking up, she explains, "All trying to leave that 'mark' I wanted in the world.... I tried breaking records, trying to be the first person to do something." She gives a half-hearted smile. "I did get some accolade, I guess, but really, that didn't feel right, either.
"I mean, the point of making a mark on the world is leaving behind something that makes people look at it and recognize how amazing it is.... S...so, about, um, three months ago, while I was at a three-day artist's retreat -- at a privately owned remote island....
"Oh, it was amazing, though -- fire art was the theme. Entrance was fairly exclusive; only three hundred attendees, and no media contacts. In order to attend, everyone had to submit a work of art or some performance." She pauses for a second, seeming to consider something as she gives me a hesitant look. "H...have you ever gone to such a thing?"
"I've never left Japan, and the only other island I've gone to was, well, with you, actually," I tell her, shrugging. "Unless you count Hokkaido."
"You mean specifically that first summer break of high school, right?" Haruhi asked, raising an eyebrow. "Not some other time?"
"Of course." I laugh softly, shaking my head. "Why, did you think I was at your retreat?"
"Everyone was wearing a mask," she answers, shaking her head. "So ... who could say?"
"I absolutely haven't gone to such an event," I assure her. "I know I would remember it if I had."
She stares at me with unnerving intensity for a long, silent minute, her eyes boring into mine before she nods, seeming somehow disappointed. "There was ... probably one of the most brilliant poets I've ever seen," she finally says, her eyes distant as Nagato refills her teacup. "Even though the theme was fire, he engaged some twenty other people in a circle in a kind of round-robin poetry.... It was...." She sighs again. "I can't do it justice, and to be completely honest, well...." She turns and gives me a hesitantly curious look. "Do you know what kava is?"
It sounds vaguely familiar, but honestly, I don't. I shake my head apologetically and glance to Nagato.
Concise as always, Nagato answers, "A naturally occurring sedative; piper methysticum. Commonly consumed by grinding, pulverizing, and hydrating the plant root."
"Right," Haruhi agrees, frowning. "Though, that makes me sound especially foolish.... I don't much like drinking, but I tried to be open to new things, you know?"
"Hold up," I say, putting a hand out. "Let me get this straight.... You were doing some kind of drug at this event?" Given some time to think about it, I actually do remember the plant -- Nagato's casual memorization of the Latin name helps. I don't think it grows naturally in Japan -- or legally, for that matter.
How remote was this island? What kind of crazy artists were these people?
She winces, looking away from my face upon seeing my expression. "Well, it certainly affected my judgment," she admits quietly. "Don't ever think that's the kind of thing I'd do regularly -- but I won't really say anything in defense of it, either. Not at this point. At any rate, the poet who had coordinated the circle challenged anyone to match him ... it was almost a renga, actually.
"He met every verse with an answer in the same style. The theme was fire, so he said, 'burn my words, and watch art spring anew from the ashes.'" She sighs again, giving a terse shake of her head. "He seemed familiar, somehow, like someone I knew from ... a long, long time ago. You have no idea how much I wish I had a recording of those poems, now...." She's silent, wistfully remembering that time.
"Anyway," she says abruptly, returning to the present, "people came and went, but the inner circle got smaller as people slowly admitted defeat, and in the end, it was ... well, just him and I.
"I can't ... especially defend what happened after that," she says uncomfortably, looking away from both Nagato and I. "And keep in mind that this was after three bowls of kava, at least. S...so, after that, and because I still wanted to make a mark on the world, wh...what happened is, um...."
She heaves a brief sigh, then turns to regard me directly, giving a scared and simultaneously hopeful smile.
"W...well," she says, "I'm pregnant."