So.

I told Sterling I was dropping out of his Mage campaign tonight.

I guess he took it pretty well. Seemed more annoyed with me than anything else.

I suspect he sees me as whiny. Which I probably really am.

But there are issues that are unresolved.

I think, at the core, my main problem is that I really want to be able to have fun and play Mage with my friends. But I can't have fun with the character I've got. I was locked into it early on, though, and Sterling wasn't flexible about changing things around after the fact (which is fair, reasonably), but I don't think he understood my reasons for wanting to change my character.

My character was, and I guess technically still IS just another Walker. Except that Walker's character does everything bigger, better, and with more flair. I can cause agg damage by cutting string! Walker carries a sword of flaming holy energy around at all times!

Jim's character is more demeaning, though. I think that the worst part about Jim's character is that the player could be really helpful to me, a relative newbie to the system. But the player won't because the character wouldn't, and when Jim is DONE playing, he immediately goes to play online, and is really too busy to help me out.

He offered tons of great helpful advice AFTER I got horribly screwed over. But really, my character can cut string and throw rocks. Jim's character has energy pistols.

I just can't stand up to a fanatic (Walker) and Jim's super-awesome- everything-is-coincidental-despite-my-better-efforts Technocrat with a Clarity of 5. I really want my character to be something. But all he can be is Walker's shadow, and when I do something different, Jim will always do it better anyway. So why bother?

I tried to come up with ways to change my character, but those changes, I realized, were essentially trying to ignore everything my character can do, and everything my character IS, just to make a new character. I'd be throwing away literally everything my character is and can do, just for a few cheap tricks, just because if my character can't do SOMETHING (anything!) that everyone else in the party can't already do better anyway.... I don't want to play a game to have a character that's the same as everyone else. That's my real life. I play games to escape.

Being forced into a situation where I'm in the back seat? Fuck that noise -- I could put in overtime at the office for the same experience, except get paid for it.

The GM was unfortunately very unflexible when it came to asking him for help about this -- first off, I wanted rotes, and he never found the time to help me out with that. I eventually came up with some on my own, but what my character can do is really limited, and (as has been established) others can do it better anyway. He did lend me the Verbena clan book, which was nice, and had neat stuff in it. But Walker still out-did me on that front at every turn.

I tried other things to help round my character out ... but all he could offer was information. My character SHOULD have been able to bridge the gap in communication between Major's character and Jim's character, etc., but couldn't. And the reason for that is because Jim knows more about the game than I do, even though my character is supposed to know more than his. And Jim decided that because I knew less about the game than he did, my character obviously did too. Why would I want to keep on playing? Half of the characters in the campaign hate or mock mine anyway.

I have a single merit, actually, which no one else has. Green thumb. My character is good at making things grow. It cost me two freebie points. Jim's character actively builds machines to kill my plants. It costs him zero points to do so.

I give up.

That was my last shot at the entire Mage system, but with this much bad blood, it's not happening. Not now, not ever.

I'm pissed.