Arg.

I like begining my entries with monosylabic utterances.

I don't know why.

Yesterday, I went with Lord Buffington all the way to Merced, passing (by chance) through the lands where I spent my childhood as a wee lad.

I saw the house I lived in for nearly eight years.

It brought back a lot of memories. Even when I was younger, I always had issues with nostalgia. I don't understand that, either. I think I spend far too much time worrying about the could-have-beens instead of the still-might- bes.

But I can never let go of that nostaliga. Video games and books, these things are always something that's interested me. Anime and manga, too. Because you can look at it, and once it's over, you can watch it again. You never have to worry about losing a moment of it -- it's all going to be there for you to come back to.

And then, when that's done, you can explore the could-have-beens by writing ... fanfiction. Or just see where the story goes next. And I have to wonder, looking at it like that, if it's really a good thing for me to be writing fanfiction.

I want to go back to school....

So.

I go through these bouts. Depression, moodiness, etc. It all boils down into the simple fact that no one likes to feel stupid.

So when I feel stupid, I get upset, because I want to run from the shame, etc. But I can't blame someone else for being smarter than me, so who do I get angry at? Myself, of course.

I think, when I study this, I realize that I'm upset that I'm not smarter than everyone else, which when I actually stop to consider ... is really stupid. But that's how it is, I guess. Realizing this makes it easier to ignore, so that's a positive. Huh.

At any rate. This problem is sybiotic with my whiny attitude and constant clamoring for attention. So, my destructive tendancies drive me to do things like cut my arm with a box-cutter. 'Oh, how horrible,' you think. But it's not. See, I'm such a wuss I'm hardly even cutting myself. It's just a tiny scratch from someone who's too afraid of pain to even decently damage themselves.

And, anyway, offering sympathy for something that stupid only encourages the self-destructive cycle.

I wish my psyche couldn't be boiled down to that few lines. Then again, maybe it's better for me that I'm such a simple person; I'm easier for me to understand.

In later news.

I soloed Baal last night.

It cost me fifty cents.

Before you ask how, let me explain my Jar of Shame.

Which is rapidly consuming my laundry money.

Since I have (as it turns out) weak willpower, and not-so-impressive self control, I charge myself fifty cents for each swear-word I use (I don't count 'jebus' or 'crikey'), and put them in my prominently displayed jar of Planter's Shame.

I think, since Monday or Tuesday, I've built up nearly ten dollars.

And now you want to know why I've decided swearing is bad. No, really, you want to know how the heck the Vatican got ahold of an AI, and what they were doing with it.

Too bad for you I'm answering a different question.

Basically, I've found that I swear. A lot. Never in situations with people I think I shouldn't around (never with family, customers, etc). However, I do it without thinking, and that's not such a positive thing.

Aside from which, if I can beat this, I'll get something like a +5 points to WILL, and that gives me that much a better chance at taking half damage from EGO attacks.

Hum.

First entry of the new year.

I'm trying to pull myself up, so I think I'm letting myself slip because, "I can recover later, this is my last shot at X."

That's not good, so.... I think I'll instead say that tonight at midnight's the cut-off point. From there forward, it's all strictly enforced self- improvement.

Wish me luck.

1.) No more red meat, pork, or high-fat foods.

2.) No more swearing (or at least, far less).

3.) No more sodas, or anything else in junk-food format. That's stuff's so bad for you. >_<

4.) Profit.

5.) Get a laptop.

That's about it, since I failed to get into classes this year.

VCD Encoding.

I must learn how to do it again. I haven't tried in a few years.

Also, I need to figure out how to rip directly from video source into .gif image. I don't care how large the .gif is, I plan on making it smaller via careful editing. But I need that direct conversion, because otherwise I need to shut off hardware acceleration so I can screencap from media player, crop, save-as, etc.

And there's got to be a better way.

I mean, it'd be great to have some avatar images for the hell of it....

I feel angered and upset.

Good things happened today. I gave a gift, and recieved nothing in reciprocation.

I feel that this is positive. I did not expect a gift in return, and I think, ideally, that this is how gift exchanges should be done. The recipients expected no gift, and they appeared to be pleased to have it. That's what it's about. Doing something nice for someone not because of an obligation, like a holiday, or a birthday, but because you CAN.

Maybe we could cut down on commercialism if we did away with Christmas and just encouraged people to do nice things for eachother.

Anyway. Unfortunately, Lord and Lady Buffington felt the need to give me something in return. I don't like this because it gives me the idea that they wouldn't have, had I not given them something first. It makes me feel like I'm (in a way) imposing on them to get me something back.

I didn't mention this, of course. I just joked about how they didn't love me because they got me nothing (which is a stupid joke, in retrospect), and then we all laughed, and she said she'd have a present for me at their Winter Holiday party, so I'd have to come and get it.

Of course, this goes back to Rose. Yes.

So I simply said, "Well, my standard proviso still applies to attendance," expecting to get a dissaproving look and have the issue dropped.

Jackie, of course, did not know about the proviso, and asked about it. When she found out that my proviso was, "I will attend, provided that Rose is not there," Jackie retorted, "Well, that's really mature, guys."

Two things about this. First, I think that considering that I will not enjoy myself if I am made to endure her, attending would be stupid. Why bother going if I know I'm going to be miserable? I've never really fit in with the 'furry' crowd, anyway, so why not save everyone trouble and not attend. If I did go, I would get upset, I'd get annoyed, and eventually, I'd explode and yell at Rose because she's so self-absord it repulses me.

A brief digression. I don't hate her. Hate is too strong. Despise is not, because she inspires the utmost levels of revulsion and disgust in all that I abhor in humanity within a single being. Perhaps the reason I dislike her so much is because she reminds me of the self-centered, egomaniacal, controlling, and simple-minded person that I used to be. With one critical difference. I wanted to become a better person. She gets no sympathy from me, because as far as I can tell, she does not.

Secondly, "guys"? What, she's got issues with me, too? Well, that's actually somewhat comforting, if so. If she's aware that she causes some form of reaction from me, then maybe she isn't such a bad person after all, and maybe it's all a miscommunication.

Or maybe Jackie just thought that Lord and Lady Buffington agreed with me, and it'd be better for me to torture myself with Rose's presense/cause an ugly scene that cost me several friends when it escalated to violence (Rose's boyfriend is actually a cool guy, and I think he'd probably kick my ass if I insulted her, but that wouldn't stop me from saying what I feel would need to be said).

So, yes, Jackie, I think this is the mature response, and I hope you understand how angry I am at you being so critical without knowing the entire story.